Star Trek: Series ?, episode 14: "Untitled"

Last time, on Star Trek: Series ?...

*series of video clips from previous episode*

"...my excellent control of the helm..."
"...just doesn't have the same effect that..."
"...the Mysterious Red Butt..."
"...does."
"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"
"Remember?"

And now...

This time, on Star Trek: Series ?...

On the bridge of USS Relativity, Captain Braxton (whichever one it is that's in charge of that ship) was inspecting the dedication plaque on the wall.

"Hey, waitaminute..." he muttered. He straightened up and faced the bridge crew. "Who made this plaque?"

Lt. Ducane looked up from his console. "Er... I believe it was installed at Spacedock. Presumably, it was made there."

"Well, I just noticed something. We're the Relativity-G, but it says we're the seventh ship with the name. Now, math was never my best subject, and neither was the alphabet, but I count that the original Relativity, plus the A through the G, would be eight ships..."

Despite his astonishment that the captain had managed, not only to remember the alphabet in the proper order, but to count the letters correctly, Ducane replied, "Well, sir, that's true. However, there was a small temporal, er... accident... about eighty years before our time, and the Relativity-E sort of... became the Relativity-F. It's one of those things it's best not to think too much about."

The temporal mechanics involved in a ship's becoming its own successor had already given Braxton a headache, though, and he slouched back into his chair. "Are the calculations for the next time jump almost finished?"

"Yes, sir," replied Jadzia. "Controls are set to take us to the Bounty. We can go whenever you want."

"Good," sighed Braxton. "Engage."

"Hey!" shouted Yar. "That's Captain Picard's line!"

"Ugh... Fine, then... Take us out."

Sulu turned around. "Sir, I believe Captain Kirk already used that line, and I'd appreciate your not stealing it from him."

"Argh!" cried a frustrated Braxton. "Okay! How about 'Woogy-boogy-boogy!'? Is 'Woogy-boogy-boogy!' taken?"

The bridge crew glanced around at each other, and seemed to come to the unanimous conclusion that "Woogy-boogy-boogy!" was not, in fact, taken.

"Good!" Braxton pointed toward the viewscreen. "Woogy-boogy-boogy!"

Sulu engaged the engines.

Meanwhile, on the Excelsior, the Old and Young Psychos Braxton snuck into one of the medical labs.

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Well you may ask why we're here. And I shall tell you." Psycho Braxton the Younger walked over to a door and placed his hand on a panel beside it. "Identification Braxton iota nu sigma alpha nu epsilon." The door slid open.

"Behold! My plan!"

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Yes, impressive, isn't it?" The room was filled with tanks of transparent liquid, and each tank seemed to have a human male curled up inside it.

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Ah, very observant. Yes, they are clones. Clones of me. Soon, there will so many Braxtons on this ship, no-one will be able to keep them straight! Bwaha�!" He stopped suddenly as Galvatron knocked him down.

"No maniacal laughter!" screamed Galvatron. "That's my department! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...", he pasued to inhale, "...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha..."

Back on the Relativity...

"Sir, we're returning to normal space-time."

"Who said that?" Braxton exclaimed, looking around.

"What, sir?" asked Ducane, puzzled.

"Who said 'we're returning to normal space-time'? There was no name next to the line."

The crew looked around at each other, but no-one knew who had said it.

"Oh well," resigned Braxton. "As if there aren't enough problems w/ this story, anyway... Er..." He trailed off.

"Sir?" said Ducane.

"Where's... everything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at the planet! There's nothing orbiting it but the moon! No Spacedock, no ships, nothing!"

"Well, of course not, silly!" came Jadzia's voice from the back of the bridge. Everyone turned around to look at her.

"What do you mean?" asked Braxton.

"Well, there was no Spacedock in 1789..."

"1789?!"

"Well, yes... You said you wanted the Bounty. I figured I'd make the trip more interesting, and bring us right to the point of the mutiny. See, there they are, right off the coast of Tonga. Captain Bligh and his supporters are, uh... being put in the, er... boat, uh... What are you doing?"

The entire bridge crew had simultaneously stood up and begun slowly advancing on her, some clenching their fists, some growling, others just glaring menacingly.

Then, just as Captain Braxton was about to wrap his hands around Jadzia's throat, the ship exploded.

To be continued... (though not by me, I think...)

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

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"I rather strongly disagree, even if I share the love of Dick. Speaking of which, that would be the most embarrasing .sig quote ever, so never use it."