Captain Braxton stormed onto the Relativity's bridge, where everyone was loafing off. "Okay, where is it?"
Ducane sat up (as he was previously setting his feet up on Braxton's chair) and asked, "Where's what, sir?"
"The recap! The recap is supposed to be airing right now, but it's not!"
"What? That's awful!"
"I'll say! I was guaranteed at least one episode off per season!"
"I was too, but we can't just leave the rest of this episode blank. We've got to do something!"
"Maybe we can put together an episode really quick. All of us are here, and the Excelsior crew is right over there stuffing their faces at the snack table..."
Sure enough, just off the Relativity bridge set, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were pigging out on chips and pretzels. As soon as they saw the Relativity crew looking in their direction, they ran away as fast as they could.
Braxton sighed. "Well, that's just great... We can't do an episode without bad guys!"
What about me?
Also offstage, the Mysterious Red Button was just standing around.
"No, we can't use you. You don't show up again until next season."
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
"No!"
Aw...
"What about Gorei or Future Guy?"
Yar shook her head. "Nope. Gorei's vacationing in Hawaii and Future Guy is attending a Star Trek convention in Seattle."
"Fine. We'll just have to use a generic villain."
"We can't do that, either. The Generic Villains Guild is on strike."
Ducane, who had been thinking for the past minute or so, finally spoke. "Wait... This is supposed to be 'Recap III - The Search for Recap,' right?"
"Yeah."
"So maybe we're supposed to search for the recap."
"That's brilliant, Ducane! You and Sulu search the bridge. Dax and Damar, you search Main Engineering. Kes and the Doctor, you search Sickbay. Have the rest of the crew search the rest of the ship."
"Where are you going to be searching, sir?"
"Me? I'll be searching the snack table over there. Ooh... Nachos!"
***
Several hours later, the crew came back to the bridge. Nobody had found the recap. Braxton burped up some of the snacks he had been eating for quite a while, then said, "Well, I guess there's only one last thing to do..."
Ducane, expecting something stupid, sighed. "And what would that be, sir?"
"We're going to have to write the recap ourselves! Assign everyone a few episodes and then get to work! Dismissed!"
The last recap. Yes, this is a recap of a recap. In fact, this is a recap of a recap which contains a recap of a recap. If we have too many more recaps, we'll have some sort of horrific recap recursion anomaly on our hands!
Best. Episode. Ever. Why? Because Braxton quits Starfleet! Sure, he's back about a third of the way through the season, but for a few brief, shining episodes, I was rid of him! Oh yeah, the plot... The Excelsior makes it back to Starbase 47, where the evil former crew tries to make a break for it. Fortunately, Galvatron (who's had a bone to pick with his former crewmates since Season 1) showed up to stop them, and they are sent back to the Federation Maximum Security Prison. Braxton wants to go find the Plah D'Viz, and when I don't let him, he quits! Did I mention this is the best episode ever?
When Admiral Picard is told that Braxton may have to stick around Starbase 47 until he finds himself a transport, he gives us permission to take the Excelsior to help Braxton find the Plah D'Viz. Meanwhile, the evil former crew of the formerly evil Excelsior meet Admiral Janeway at the Federation Maximum Security Prison.
I boldly captain the Excelsior to Memory Alpha, where we could sift through Federation records to find the Plah D'Viz. Unfortunately, the Lights of Zetar got there first and wreck the place. When the rest of the crew leaves poor little me alone on Memory Alpha, the Lights' ally, Gul Madred, captures me and forces me to watch naked Ferengi women! The horror... The horror... The rest of the crew finally get around to rescuing me, but it turns out Memory Alpha has no info on the Plah D'Viz. I then begin boldly captaining the ship to Iconia, since the Iconians might have run into the Plah D'Viz at some point... Did I mention the horror?
We attempt to get permission to cross the Romulan Neutral Zone to get to Iconia, but we are stopped by are stopped by my great great great great great great great (edited by Patrick Ducane: Way too many greats) granddaughter, who also happens to be named Sela and who also happens to look just like me. Fortunately, Ducane tricks her into letting us proceed. Braxton gets severely beaten up by Kes for making a stupid comment, which is only a bad thing because I didn't get to do it. The rest of us go down to Iconia, but are attacked by Sela (who finally figured things out). Sela leaves us alone when she finds out we beat up our own captain, and Braxton's day is slightly bettered when we find the location of the Plah D'Viz. Unfortunately, it's deep within Dominion space...
After a brief stop at Deep Space Nine (where Dax gets to reminisce, but I don't), we head through the Bajoran Wormhole. On route to the Gamma Quadrant, Braxton gets to do what so many have dreamed of: Kill Sisko! (He thought he was Hawk.) On the other side, we resume our journey, but we are soon discovered by the renamed Happy Fun Dominion (which is neither happy nor fun). The latest Weyoun clone (#47) attacks with his pink ships, but we manage to get away when we remember we have a cloaking device. At the end of the episode, we finally reach the Plah D'Viz. About time, too.
3x5: Clotho (as written by Captain Braxton and heavily edited by Patrick Ducane to remove spelling errors, grammar mistakes, and references to talking chipmunks which obviously weren't there)
I finally enter the Plah D'Viz, and am shown by the Ghost of Christmas Past how the time loop with the Braxton Bunch was set up in the first place. Meanwhile, the Female Changeling and Weyoun try to hunt down the Excelsior.
3x6: Lachesis (as written by Captain Braxton and heavily edited by Patrick Ducane to remove spelling errors, grammar mistakes, and references to talking chipmunks which obviously weren't there)
While my crew pass the time by playing cards, the Happy Fun Dominion closes in on their position. The Ghost of Christmas Present continues explaining the time loop to me. The Female Changeling finally has enough of Weyoun and has him shot, only to be replaced with Mini-Weyoun! The Dominion fleet attacks, but the present the Ghost of Christmas Present gave me blows it up except for Weyoun and the Changeling.
3x7: Atropos (as written by Captain Braxton and heavily edited by Patrick Ducane to remove spelling errors, grammar mistakes, and references to talking chipmunks which obviously weren't there)
While Mini-Weyoun and the Female Changeling put together an even bigger fleet, I am forced to confront the most horrifying person in all of Star Trek: Wesley Crusher! I manage to outwit him (I'm told this is a miracle) and the Plah D'Viz does it's job and breaks the time loop! After being transported back to the Excelsior, I order the Plah D'Viz destroyed to keep it out of Happy Fun Dominion hands. The device's last act is to propel us back to the Bajoran Wormhole, far from the Dominion fleet.
We arrive back at Starbase 47, where Ducane manages to blackmail Admiral Picard into letting Braxton back into Starfleet. The Excelsior, along with it's evil former crew and Admiral Janeway, vanishes. Work begins on the Relativity-H. Yes, I know this episode doesn't seem like one I'd recap. But Kes got "sdrawroF dna sdrawcaB," so I'm stuck with this.
As construction of the Relativity-H continues, I accidentally blow up Damar's precious computer core with one of my new paradox torpedoes. If you ask me, it was a waste of a perfectly good torpedo. Anyway, Damar and Xaronna drag me along to get another computer core, which had been taken by the Breen. We get the computer back really easily. They didn't even try and stop us. Odd. Damar gets put down by Miss Nova (the ship's schoolteacher) yet again.
That's right. I'm doing the "Yggdrasil" two-parter. Since the Excelsior crew ran away, and Braxton and his dolts have way too many episodes to do, they gave me these two. Got a problem with that? Anyway, when the Excelsior is found, Braxton and his newly-completed ship go after it. It turns out that the Excelsior and it's evil crew were taken by the Vaadwaur, who have been hiding in subspace for centuries at the request of Future Guy. With Admiral Janeway now in command, the Excelsior's mission is now to alter history in the Vaadwaur's favor (or else), with Zo'or as the Vaadwaur emissary. But Janeway wants to kill Braxton first, and calls in the Vaadwaur fleet to help her do it.
The Vaadwaur decide not to help Janeway kill Braxton, so when Braxton destroys Janeway's coffee supply, she retreats. The Vaadwaur, however, have declared war against the Federation, and the Delta Quadrant is now a war zone. Admiral Picard sends the Relativity to stop a fleet of Vaadwaur ships, and the crew succeeds when they use a chain letter trick. The Vaad War begins.
Guest episode by MinutiaeMan. After the fight with the Vaadwaur, Dax comes up with an idea to help the crew unwind: A baseball game. The Relativity senior staff (Plus me, I'm always called in when they need someone extra. At least it's quasi-regular work) makes up the Timers, while a holographic Excelsior crew makes up the Anti-Timers. We're all having a good time when Admiral Picard interrupts, stopping the game.
The Excelsior crew goes back in time and uses their Shipclasschangeatron to alter the ship classes of the wrecks at Wolf 359. By doing this, they hope to drive every Star Trek fan insane. Fortunately, we're able to stop them by reflecting their weapon back at them, enabling us to steal the Shipclasschangeatron back. Unfortunately, the task of restoring the wrecks to their original classes proves quite confusing...
3x15: Enter: Enterprise, Part I (as written by Captain Braxton and heavily edited by Patrick Ducane to remove spelling errors, grammar mistakes, and references to mutant ninjas which obviously weren't there)
Admiral Picard sends us back in time to stop the NX-01 from messing up Star Trek history. Battle lines are drawn when Janeway and Daniels arrive on the side of Archer, while Picard and Kirk arrive to back me up. Daniels sets up a temporal deathmatch to resolve the situation.
3x16: Enter: Enterprise, Part II (as written by Captain Braxton and heavily edited by Patrick Ducane to remove spelling errors, grammar mistakes, and references to mutant ninjas which obviously weren't there)
After we beat each other up for a little while, Daniels reveals that Future Guy is the actual danger to the timeline. All of us (minus Janeway, who isn't having fun anymore since the carnage stopped) head off to confront Future Guy at the Suliban Helix. I remember I have a pet cat. Unfortunately, we can't destroy the Helix without damaging space-time, so we leave the 22nd Century in Daniels' hands.
Darth Vader, Mr. Morden, the Cigarette Smoking Man, and I arrive in the Star Trek universe aboard the Death Star to judge the evil crew of the evil Excelsior for an evil award. Vader and Yoda instantly start fighting (but later get drunk together), Morden offers Zathras and the Apocalypse Box a ride back to the Babylon 5 universe, and the Cigarette Smoking Man nearly sets off the ship's smoke alarms. I, not willing to return to the cancelled Farscape universe, escape thanks to Captain Braxton, but not before I implant a neural clone of myself in Harvey the Wonder Hamster. The villains (plus Zathras and the Apocalypse Box) are forced to leave when the reaction between redshirts and Stormtroopers threatens to destroy everyone.
When the evil crew of the Excelsior go back in time and trap the Enterprise-B in a time loop, Captain Harriman and his crew are powerless to escape (as nothing arrives until Tuesday). We finally show up and save them, and Braxton manages to cheer up the glum Harriman.
With the constant battles with the Excelsior interrupting my work aboard the Relativity, I come up with a plan to capture Janeway and her crew once and for all by using the temporal clone inside Harvey the Wonder Hamster. The Excelsior crew overpowers Harvey and regains control of the ship, allowing them to escape at the last minute. In retrospect, controlling a hamster might not have been my brightest move. Sick and tired of all this, I leave for Bajor.
The great Autobot hero Optimus Prime arrives in the Star Trek universe to capture me for my hideously evil crimes. After showing barely adequate evidence of my attempts to reform, Prime (in his infinite benevolence) spares me, and we decide to make money doing commercials together.
(Note by Patrick Ducane: Encoded message included in transmission, "Prime threatened to beat me up if I didn't portray him the best possible light.")
When the Relativity-E arrives in our time, we're shunted into an alternate timeline with Avon-selling Borg. (Is there any other kind of alternate timeline?) We repair the damage to the Relativity-E (except for a lack of paint changing it to the Relativity-F), and then send it home. Technically, I shouldn't know any of this, but somebody has to recap this episode, and it stretches believablity the least if the nearly-omnipotent one does it.
When I get close to solving the mystery of Nimbus III, Admiral Ross and Luther Sloan sneak onboard and make several rather pathetic attempts to kill me. It turns out Section 31 trapped everyone and everything associated with Star Trek V in a pocket universe to prevent another movie that bad, and the duo trap us in there as well to silence me. Sybok uses his mind tricks to get Ross to tell us how to escape, but we leave all the Star Trek V stuff behind. Hey, we're not that stupid...
Khan (apparantly rescued from Fantasy Island) is sentenced to return to Ceti Alpha V. After being dropped off there (literally), he finds the rest of his genetic supergoons still alive and almost done repairing the Botany Bay. He escapes to Risa, and hypnotizes the population into believing that 90's stuff is back in style with his chest. Braxton shows up and stops Khan, and he's sent to a nice planet where he can bring back as many 90's fads as he wants.
The League of Seldom-Seen Species forges an alliance with Future Guy and the Vaadwaur and prepare a fleet to invade the Federation. Picard sends us out with the Plaid Star Fleet to stop them. Several Babylon 5 jokes later, we're on the verge of being destroyed. Luckily, we convince the League that being seldom-seen is a good thing, and it stops its invasion plans.
***
THEY KNOW NO FEAR...
THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED...
AND NOW...
THEY'RE HERE!
*Shot of space battle between Starfleet and the Vaadwaur with Earth in the background*
THE TROOPS MUST NOW BE RALLIED
*Shot of Relativity dogfighting with Vaadwaur fighters*
THE EVIL MUST NOW BE CHALLENGED
*Shot of Admiral Janeway laughing evilly*
AND THE FATE OF THE FEDERATION MUST BE DECIDED
*Shot of Braxton with grim look on his face*
Episode 78: In Like a Lion
-------------------- "Kirito? I killed a thing and now it says I have XPs! Is that bad? Am I dying?"
-Asuna, Episode 2, Sword Art Online Abridged
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
I'm tempted to speculate that the next episode might involve Earth's "final conflict," what with Zo'or being on the Excelsior and all...
-------------------- “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov Star Trek Minutiae | Memory Alpha
Registered: Nov 2000
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