This is topic Not a flame, but potentially flammable... in forum The Flameboard at Flare Sci-Fi Forums.


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Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
 
Ever hear the one about the English baker who became a serial killer?

He killed two birds with one scone!

[rimshot]

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Carpe Canem!
 


Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :
 
*collapses*

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"That is the exploration that awaits you: Not mapping the stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possiblities of existence." - Q, All Good Things...


 


Posted by Diane (Member # 53) on :
 
*LMAO*

Goodness...you don't know how much that joke reminds me of my history teacher...

------------------
"A fellow's invented see-through film
He calls it 'cellophane!'
Another has built a parachute
For jumping out of an airplane!

Remarkable things flow endlessly
From out the human brain!
Indeed
And what a remarkable age this is!"
--Titanic: the Musical
 


Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :
 
What are you trying to say Ziyal.

LOL

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My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
 


Posted by Charles Capps (Member # 9) on :
 
*doesn't get it*

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"Okay, so I'm not "SANE" so to speak, but uh... I'm the lovable kind of psycho"
http://solareclipse.net/

 


Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :
 
*isn't surprised*

Scone = bready doughy pastrylike thing that you eat with jam and cream, it's the classsic British teatime snack. It has to be baked, hence the reference tho the Baker. Instead of killing two birds with one sTone - an expression even you must have heard! - he used a sCone.

It's actually a rather nonsensical joke, since the only lethal or near-lethal application of a scone in combat that I can recall came as a result of a certain young lady dousing me with cold water during a garden party. . .

Damn. . . I could really go for a scone now, I miised breakfast again. 8)
 


Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :
 
I got the joke - it's slightly funnier than the jokes that my housemate comes out with. And it also reminds me of a previous art teacher in school - What is it with teachers and their senses of humour?

I never buy scones for myself. Breakfast for me which is usually only on Saturdays and Sundays is a bowl of Cornflakes, some orange juice and some other crap that I rustle together. The only time I've ever eaten scones was in a hotel when they came as part of the breakfast package.

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"YOU SMEG!"



 


Posted by Siegfried (Member # 29) on :
 
*grabs the drum set and bashes it over Baloo's head*

I'm the only one here who can make corny jokes like that!

Example: A group of cub scouts were out camping in the woods. The mosquitos were terrible and the scouts were being eaten alive. So they decided to go into their tents until night fell and the mosquitos went away. Sure enough, night fell, the mosquitos left, and a herd of fire flies flew in. A scout peered out of his tent and saw the fire flies. He immediately told the scout leader, "Don't look now, but the mosquitos are back and they brought flashlights!"

*bud-dum-thud*

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"Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Yeah! Some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice. Whoo hoo! 'Cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love!" - Steve Miller Band's The Joker
 


Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :
 
Grabs the drum set from Baloo and smashes it onto Siegfried.

NO-ONE should be allowed to make jokes as corny as that.

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"YOU SMEG!"



 


Posted by Siegfried (Member # 29) on :
 
Why's everybody always picking on me? Thanks to the Pompatus Wars, I've been clobbered, cremed, and had body parts amputated. Now I get bashed by a drum set. There must be a "Kick Me" sign hanging on my rear end.

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"Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Yeah! Some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice. Whoo hoo! 'Cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love!" - Steve Miller Band's The Joker
 


Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :
 
Here's mine:

A boy goes up to his grandmother and asks her to make a noise like a frog. She refuses. A few minutes later, he goes up to his grandma and asks her to make a noise like a frog. She again refuses. A few minutes later, the boy goes up to his grandma, and his grandma asks "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?" And the boy says "Cuz my dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland!!!!!"

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation
 


Posted by Diane (Member # 53) on :
 
Here's one of the jokes that my last year's history teacher emailed me.

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even
when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He of course became known as a Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!

------------------
"A fellow's invented see-through film
He calls it 'cellophane!'
Another has built a parachute
For jumping out of an airplane!

Remarkable things flow endlessly
From out the human brain!
Indeed
And what a remarkable age this is!"
--Titanic: the Musical
 


Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :
 
I've heard Tahna Los's jokee way too many times.

Tora Ziyal's is very funny though!

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"Audaces fortuna juvat."
"Fortune favours the bold."

 


Posted by Siegfried (Member # 29) on :
 
Keeping in with Tora Ziyal's joke, here's a song I heard on a comedy show once. I wish I could remember the comedian that wrote the song, though.

Super frantic unproductive nothing legislation,
Want to improve your congressman: provide some lubrication.
SNL's cannot complain of over-regulation.
You voters get what you deserve: great procrastination!
Super frantic unproductive nothing legislation!

------------------
"Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Yeah! Some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice. Whoo hoo! 'Cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love!" - Steve Miller Band's The Joker
 


Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :
 
Anyone ever hear of the professor shooing chess contestants out of a lobby, after they were making a lot of noise bragging about their victories? His reason was that he couldn't stand "Chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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"That is the exploration that awaits you: Not mapping the stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possiblities of existence." - Q, All Good Things...


 


Posted by monkeyboy on :
 
Sorry about this next bad joke I heard!!!!.Many may have heard this.


How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb??

All of them, they are a collective.
Heard this one while waiting in line at Startrek the expereience.


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I did'nt do it.


 


Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :
 
So, if there was a Cardasian named Lible, who moved up in the Cardasian system to become a Gul...that would make him Gul Lible.

get it?? get it??

*ducks out of the way of the veggies thrown at him*

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My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
 


Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
 
There once was a doctor at a pediatric hospital who knew a little magic, so he thought he'd entertain the children (daily) with his magic ability.

Although he was a skilled magician, he was a truly awful showman. After several days of tormenting the children with his magical antics, one small child tricked the doctor into turning himself into an apple. He quickly scooped up the apple, stuffed it into a specimen cup and clapped a lid on it.

The children were afraid that when the doctor resumed his human form, he would be angry with them, so they elected one child (who was fortuitously being discharged from the hospital that very day) to take the apple/doctor to a local wizard to see if there was some way to keep the doctor from changing back.

The wizard asked many questions of the child:

"How tall was he before the change?"
"What was his income?"
"What color were his socks?"

He then examined the apple minutely (after extracting it from the cup). He looked at it through a magnifying glass. He polished it on his sleeve to see how well it would take a shine.

He consulted many large tomes of magic with indescribable writing on their covers, examining the apple and then the page he was consulting when he thought he had found something relevant. Finally he came to a decision.

He gave the apple back to the child, then he opened a small drawer and pulled out a balance beam and some weights. Handing these items to the child, he gave the following instructions:

"Weigh this apple once each day,
Lest the doctor come thy way!"

The child thought that this was entirely too simple and asked why this would work.

The wizard answered:

"Elementary magic, child! Every apprentice knows that A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple."

[rimshot]

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Carpe Canem!

[This message was edited by Baloo on March 22, 1999.]
 


Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :
 
(Bows to Baloo)!

I don't think that will be topped!!

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Dramatis Personae

 


Posted by Holst on :
 
~feeling very violent and agitated from reading these jokes~ >)

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"It's good and well to leave the government in the hands of the perfect man but what happens when the perfect man gets a bellyache?" - Belgarath the Sorceror by David Eddings


 


Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :
 
Oh yeah!


*clears throat*

One day a scientist discovered the secret to cloning a human and decided to try it out on himself. In a fit of mad genius he made an amlost perfect clone of his person.

Almost perfet save for two things. The first being that the clone liked to be naked...all the time. The second was that the clone loved to sing silly annoying little ditties all day and well into the night. So the clone would warble on and on and on driving the scientist crazy.

Finally the scientist snaps and runs toward the clone who is standing in the window stark naked singing "Down By The Old Mill Stream." They tussle for a moment or two before the glass breaks sending the clone plunging several stories to his death.

Now, there just happened to be two police men walking by on their beat and they go to investigate. Noting the lack of clothing on the clone, they head up to the scientists lab where they are shocked by the resemblance between the two men.

Well, the police men speculate out loud that is must have been the twin of the scientist. Well, Mr. Scientist trying to talk his way out of the situation tells the officers that it was his clone and not his twin that lay dead in the street below.

Taken aback, the officers retreat a few steps to confer with each other. The scientist seeing this thinks he may be let go until one of the officers suddenly stomps over and clamps the cuffs on him.

Hey! the scientist shouted...it was a clone...only a clone.

I know, the officer responded. You are under arrest for making an obscene clone fall.

(rimshot)

Oh yeah!!!

*ducks out of the way again*

------------------
My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.

[This message was edited by Jay on March 23, 1999.]
 


Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :
 
*Ponders this thread in all it's glory*.

*Gets out the weed killer*.

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I drink therefore I am.

-Descartes

 


Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :
 
There was once a queen who heard of a plot against her. She had the country searched, and found out it was Count Hasslebagh, an evil man who wanted her thrown. When she captured Hasslebagh, she realized there was somebody else in the plot. She interrogated the count, but he would not speak. Even after being sentenced to death by decapitation, the count did not speak a word. Finally, on as the count was being placed on the block and the executor came with his blade, she asked him one more time who his accomplace was. Again, he refused to say anything. The queen gave the motion and the blade started to fall, and Hasslebagh shouted out,"Alright! I'll tell! I'll..." but alas it was too late. He was no more. The queen learned a valuable lesson from this, and that is "Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken."

>ba-dum bum<

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"That is the exploration that awaits you: Not mapping the stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possiblities of existence." - Q, All Good Things...


 


Posted by Lindsly on :
 
An actual situation that occured in the last few weeks and reported on the radio. A woman is found in the parking lot of a supermarket in her car. Passersby are concerned. They ask her what is wrong. She said that she had been shot in the head and was holding her brain. She was resting her head against the car chair and pressing one of her hands to her head. 911 was called. Emergency paramedics and firefighters with the jaw of death arrive. They ply the door of the women's door open after she refused to budge. Paramedics examine her head and discovered her "brain" to be cookie dough. A can of cookie dough had exploded when she got in the car.
 
Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :
 
Urban legend. And not the kind with the Noxema girl.

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"I'll turn everything around and confuse you. I'll fix it so you can't remember what was true."
--
They Might Be Giants
 


Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :
 
A modification of Jeff Raven's Joke. I got this in the mail last year........

There were two kings from two kingdoms. One of the kings was very powerful because he had a throne with magic powers. The weak king called one of his counts to assemble an army (knights, pages, etc) in order to obtain the powerful king's throne.

The count's army trudged along for a day or two until they came upon the powerful king's castle. The Castle entrance was guarded by a large yellow monster with huge hands. The army attacked the monster and was decimated, except for the count and two 8-year old pages who did not engage in the fight. The count fled, but the pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall.

When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep, and his large hand was blocking the entrance. The pages, being only 8 years old, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance to the castle.

Moral 1: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

Once inside the castle, the pages were able to find the throne. Combined, they were strong enough to lift it. The monster gave them no trouble since they had the powerful throne, and they were able to carry it out of the castle.

Soon, the two pages were very tired, and stopped at a grass house to rest. The farmer who lived there, decided to let them stay at his house. The throne was "hid" in the farmer's attic. Later, the farmer killed the pages so he could get the throne to himself. The Farmer then went to bed, only to have the throne crashing through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer.

Moral 2: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones

When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered his army to kidnap the weak king's count in order to divulge the location of the throne.

King: Where is the throne?
Count: I will not tell you.
King: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head!
Count: (as the axe is swinging down...) Okay! I will tell you!

THWACK!!!!!

Moral 3: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

------------------
I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

[This message was edited by Tahna Los on March 23, 1999.]
 


Posted by Chimaera on :
 
A cheese sandwhich walks into a bar and orders lunch. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

Pretty cheesy, eh?

*Chimaera ducks to avoid flying vegetables*

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WARNING: The preceeding post may have been offensive to some readers. Reader discretion would have been advised.


 


Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
 
I really can't believe that no-one's done either:

A man walks into a bar. *ouch*

Or the equally corny.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

(I'll be in the car)
 


Posted by Cargile (Member # 45) on :
 
Okay now.

These two (your disliked ethic person here(YDEPH)) decided to go hunting but had never done it before. So they get their hunting gear together and go over to the game wardens office for some advice. They ask the warden what should they do if they happen to get lost.
The warden replies, "Fire three shots in the air and we'll come out for you."
The YDEPHs agree that that is fairly simple and head on out into the forrest to hunt. Well they are looking around and haven't found anything to kill, so they venture deeper into the woods unitl they have convinced themselves that they are lost and as the sun is sinking below the treetops they fire their three shots and wait.
After an hour they are still waiting. YDEPH1 suggests to his friend that he ought to fire another three shots. He concurs and does so.
About dusk, no warden has arrived and the YDEPHs are getting nervous.
YDEPH1 says, "You better fire another three shots."
YDEPH2 gives a uneasy look, "I don't know, we are about all out of arrows."

AND why not this one too. . .( I made it up.)

How many trekkers does it take to change a light-bulb?

1 to open the floor up for discussion.
5 to moderate the discussion.
10 to ask why the old one has blown.
12 to compare the new bulb from the old in indept analyse.
25 to discuss how long the new bulb will last, and what the bulb has done during times of being on.
31 to flame bulbs and bulb users.
3 to list all bulbs used and 156 to discuss those lists.
35 to find all manner of humourous things about bulbs.
41 to discuss specifications, different bulb classes, and bulb design.
20 to discuss bulb sockets.
15 to talk about bulbs in general.
and 8 to draft up new fandom pictures of possibles bulbs.


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I'm the only one who understands me, and I ire of my company.
--Paul Cargile


[This message was edited by Cargile on March 25, 1999.]
 


Posted by Warped1701 (Member # 40) on :
 
ROTFLMAO!!

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Risk is our business! That's what this starship is all about....that's why we're aboard her!"

 


Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :
 
(E-Mail joke)
Tom was on the side of the road, and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet beyond. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a Pitt Bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. Tom couldn't stand the curiosity, he respectfully approched the man with the dog and said,"sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this , who's is it".

Man: Well, the first hearse is my wife.
Tom: What happened to her.
Man: My dog bit her and she died.
Tom: who's in the second hearse?
Man: That's my motherinlaw, she was trying to help my wife, and my dog bit her, and she died

a moment of silence passes betwen the two men.

Tom: Sir, can I borrow that dog.
Man: Get in line.

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Dramatis Personae

 


Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :
 

Wat is groen en rolt van een berg? Antwoord: een slawine.

Wat is groen en moe? Antwoord: een krop slaap

Wat is blauw en rechthoekig? Antwoord: een blauw rechthoekje.

I know you don't understand a word of it but trust me, it is trite.
 


Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :
 
Who did what in the where now?

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"That is the exploration that awaits you: Not mapping the stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknown possiblities of existence." - Q, All Good Things...


 


Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
 
One I wish I thought of first (but didn't): "DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!"

...Which reminds me...

Ever hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic?

He'd lay awake nights wondering if there really was a dog!

[rimshot]

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CAUTION:
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

[This message was edited by Baloo on March 26, 1999.]
 




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