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Posted by IDIC (Member # 256) on :

Although restrooms are present in maps of the Enterprise, we never see anyone using or saying they need to use the restroom.
This is because the ship's computer constantly scans the bowel levels of all life forms on the ship and beams out waste material as needed. The person simply feels a slight tingle and then they no longer need to go.

The bathrooms are present in case of failure of the AWRS (automatic waste removal system). Of course, the energy from this matter is used in the food replicators, which explains why replicated food tastes "a little off." Furthermore, some people prefer not to use the toilet because the sonic-wipe, although quite effective, is slightly painful.

Unfortunately, the AWRS leads to a number of unique problems for certain individuals. For some, the sphincter muscle becomes weak for lack of use. In this case, the computer must erect a small force field at the anal opening to restrict the waste from soiling the starfleet issue underwear and thus preventing streakification. For others, such as Janeway, the anus becomes stiffened from lack of use, resulting in a "tight ass". Unfortunately, star fleet science is still searching for a means of managing tight asses and has seen little success.

There was one experiment involving a probe that would be introduced into a small anus, or other tight oraphis. It would instantaneously deliver what we call, "the exodus effect" - a process whereby matter is reorganized at the molecular level, with poo-generating results. Unfortunately, protomatter was used in the initial experiments, and the probe essentially ripped the subject a new asshole.

This concludes the technical specifications regarding bathrooms on federation starships.

(Klingons just have a hole in the floor of the bridge that shoots the waste into space)

Posted by CaptainMike (Member # 709) on :

ew.

Posted by PopMaze (Member # 302) on :

Didn't you have anything better to bring up to talk about?

*long silence*

Guess not.

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

I thought it was very funny, myself.

Then again, I have a twisted sense of humor.

::Dangles PopMaze over pit of voracious Omegas::

Hahahhahahahahahahahha!

[EDIT] Removed Smiley

[ September 27, 2001: Message edited by: Tahna Los ]

Posted by Jack_Crusher (Member # 696) on :

I always wondered why nobody ever needed to go. And that explains that souffle I replicated too.

Posted by Soundwave (Member # 138) on :

Janeway: "This coffee smells like shit."
Chakotay: "Is shit captain."
Janeway: "Oh good, then it's not me. It's a bit nutty."

Posted by Stingray (Member # 621) on :

How does one tell the difference between the tingle of a successful waste beam out and the tingle of an...uh...unsuccessful beam out?

Posted by Obi Juan (Member # 90) on :

That tingle would be accompanied by the plopping sound of your stomach falling into the place where your colon used to be.

Posted by CaptainMike (Member # 709) on :

'what we got back.. didnt live long..

Posted by David Templar (Member # 580) on :

Also, if the confinement beam strength is off for any reason, entire digestive tracks would sometimes be removed.

Officer: "Hey, I didn't order T[something]lian sausages."
Waiter: "That's your lower intestine, sir. The doctor told me to tell you to swollow it promptly."

Onboard Klingon ships, Gagh is often beamed straight out of a person's stomach, so it could be maintained in its live and fresh state and be served to the next person (it's costly and troublesome to keep large amounts of gagh in stasis for long periods of time). What Klingons really fill up on is buttered dinner rolls and crumpets.

[ September 23, 2001: Message edited by: David Templar ]

Posted by CaptainMike (Member # 709) on :

This thread wouldnt hit rock bottom until i hit the saddest old convention jokes i ever heard (from people who work on the show even)

Deleted scene from Star Trek IV:

'Wait.. there're no bathrooms on this Klingon ship.. what do we do?'
'I suppose we go where no man has gone before'

'Engage the cloaking device so we dont attract attention.'
'Yes, you get itchy when Klingons are near Uranus'

'We'll need the Captain's log for the trial'
'Wheres the captain's log?'
'In the captain's toilet...'

Thank you.
Good night and God bless...

PS.. Ooh i forgot the best story, the true meeting of Khan and Chekov. Chekov was reading the latest copy of Rigelian Juggs in the junior officer's head, when Khan came bursting in with a sleeper-ship version of Montezuma's Revene, dealing with 200 years of excrement that had been built up, waits until hes sick and Chekov comes out, he grabs him and say.. 'No.. I will not forget your face' before he rushes the stall...

[ September 23, 2001: Message edited by: CaptainMike ]

Posted by Kosa (Member # 650) on :

quote:
. For others, such as Janeway, the anus becomes stiffened from lack of use, resulting in a "tight ass

quote:
(Klingons just have a hole in the floor of the bridge that shoots the waste into space)

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Wow. That contribution just made my day.

Posted by Proteus (Member # 212) on :

... wtf

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

That one too. A revelation, I should say. I can now go into the after life a happy man.

Posted by Kosa (Member # 650) on :

Didnt you know, Im a man of many words.

Posted by Fedaykin Supastar (Member # 704) on :

what would happen when they send all non-essential power to the phasers/shields/warp drive/superdooperquadromaticthingamajiggy??
Is the waste management transfer system considered non-essential???

hehe eeww, but funny have a fun week ahead hehe

Buzz

Posted by Michael_T (Member # 144) on :

Well, this is worthy of our attention....

I think that the Waste Disposal Systems fall under the Lifesupport heading.

Posted by Tahna Los (Member # 33) on :

Ya know, I was actually thinking of locking this thread because it was disgustingly, sickeningly, gut-wrenching funny. Just to keep it at the present level of hilarity it is at.

IDIC: Obviously you have too much time on your hands. Get thee to a strip bar. Now.

[ September 26, 2001: Message edited by: Tahna Los ]

Posted by Michael_T (Member # 144) on :

Strip bar??? That's old-fashioned... hire a hooker for him.