The Scenario

Those of you might remember the TNG Episode "Allegiance" where Picard and 4 other people were imprisoned by an alien race to test how lifeforms would react to incarceration.

Now those same aliens have done it again. Captain Picard has been captured by the same aliens. This time, he is stuck with Captain Kathryn Janeway, Captain Benjamin Sisko, and Captain James T. Kirk (TOS Episodes version).

Unfortunately, the Aliens do not appear to be willing to send the four back to where they came from any time soon. And tempers are beginning to flare up as minor scuffles break out between the 4 Captains as they argue as to how to get out of here.

Suddenly, a voice booms: "ATTENTION, FEDERATION CAPTAINS, YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO PARTICIPATE IN A GREAT EXPERIMENT. BUT DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TEAM UP AGAINST US. WE HAVE IMPLANTED A DEVICE IN EACH ONE OF YOU, SET TO DETONATE YOUR BODIES IN A CLOUD OF PLASMA."

Now, this isn't necessarily a fight to the death. It could be, but it could also be a battle of wills, or an endurance test, or so. The aliens aren't talking about what they are looking for.

But you can guess. Who will come out on top in this clasterphobic encounter? Kirk, Picard, Sisko, or Janeway?

Now, we are not here to vote on who will win, but to provide an opinion, insight, or commentary on what will happen. You CAN, however, cast a vote for whom you believe will win, but you must also explain why. The person with the best (but not neccessarily correct) entry wins.

Good Luck!!!!

Why? Simple.

Never mind the fact that he's part Prophet. Never mind the fact that he just plain LOOKS like he can dole out some ass-whuppin'.

Picard meets Q & tries to reason with him. Sisko lays the fucker out on the floor.

Kirk blows up his ship to save it from Klingons. Sisko drinks bloodwine with one after kickin' Dominion ass.

After losing said ship, Kirk hides for 6 months on Vulcan. Sisko gets a new one & procedes to make the fuckers pay with a meal of hot plasma.

Janeway looks for a cook...& ends up with Neelix. Sisko grows his own peppahs for 3 months & makes even BEETS sound good.

Kirk dies when a BRIDGE falls on him. ("Bridge on the captain!") Sisko dies when he run into a FLAMING CHASM with his archenemy....& even THEN, he's not really dead.

Picard whines about not having a kid. Kirk doesn't see his for 25 years & then cries when he can't even knock down some pissant Klingon. Sisko? He raises his kid alone & then lets him fend for himself behind enemy lines because he knows the kid's got the grobjes.

Kirk: goes after space coochie. Picard: gets laid twice in 7 years. Janeway: won't admit her latent lesbain lust. Sisko: gets it on with a freighter captain, marries her, AND plants the seed.

Picard is simply "The Picard" to a couple Mintakans, & even then, he doesn't let them believe it. Sisko is the Emissary of the Prophets to the Bajoran People...& makes it STICK.

Against boarders, Kirk tries Kirk-fu. Picard tries to stun them & gets captured instead. Janeway uses that mega penis replacement & hides behind Tuvok. Sisko crackes 'em on the head, pickes up the nearest pipe or bat'telh & wackss 3 or 4 in a row before goin' down.

Need I continue?

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Intelligence, Integrity, Responsibility.
Vote Bush/Cheney 2000

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Me: "Why don't you live in Hong Kong?"
Rachel Roberts: "Hong Kong? Nah. Oh, but we can live in China! Yeah, China has great Chinese food!"

Picard might be willing to fight, if he realized "negotiation" was failing miserably, but I think he's too out of practice. He might last a couple minutes, but not more.

Then it would be down to Kirk and Sisko. I think these two would be able to go at it for quite a while w/o either one falling, permanently. However, in the end, I think it will come down to the fact that Kirk's style of fighting is more "barroom brawl", while there is evidence that Sisko might know how to fight w/ more discipline. So, I'd say Sisko would eventually take Kirk down. But, bear in mind, this has nothing to do w/ his apparent status as a "bad mother� Shut your mouth!", as some people seem to think... :-)

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-There can be only Nine !! ..mmm.. maybe 10 !!

- Alshrim Dax
The Other Dax:

Janeway: Are you going to tell us what this experiment is?

Aliens: No. Stop bothering us.

*Crunching sound*

Picard: What's that?

Aliens: We're eating popcorn. We always eat popcorn while watching a good show.

Captain Picard goes over to the door and starts punching buttons.

Janeway: What are you doing?

Picard: I'm typing in the prime numbers, in an attempt to communicate with our captors.

Janeway: Those aren't the prime numbers, you know...

Picard: Oh, you noticed. No one noticed last time.

Kirk: They did too! Read the TNG Nitpicker's Guide!

Sisko: I won't rest until I'm back here, in this place where I belong.

Picard: You don't belong here, Sisko.

Sisko: Uh, oh yeah...

Kirk: We've got to get out of here!

Picard: But how? The aliens took our phasers, and the door combination could be anything!

Janeway: I've got an idea. We all have explosives implanted in our bodies. One of us will have to sacrifice themselves in order to for the others to escape.

Everyone looks at Kirk.

Kirk: What?

Sisko: Kirk, you're not a team player. Not only that, but your Priceline commercials are getting on my nerves. Therefore, you must die!

Kirk: What about Janeway? Voyager's the least popular Trek series.

Picard: At least she doesn't sing...

So, after bludgeoning Kirk into unconsciousness, the three captains slump him against the door.

Janeway: Hey, you aliens! Kirk was trying to convince us all to join forces against you!

Aliens: Oh really? What if this is actually a plan by the four of you to escape?

Sisko: One things for sure: We're losing the peace, which means a war could be our only hope.

Aliens: Your blabbering has distracted us from our previous train of thought, Sisko. Therefore, we will take you at your word and blow up Kirk.

Kirk explodes, blowing the door open. Somehow, Kirk is still barely alive.

Kirk: Ship... Out of danger?

Picard: I wouldn't know anything about how your ship is! We've all been stuck in here for a while now!

Kirk dies. The three captains run into the hallway, but are intercepted by alien guards.

Aliens: We will capture you!

Janeway: I'll self-destruct this ship first!

Sisko: I think you're flashing back to Voyager's second season, Kathryn...

Unfortunately, the aliens think that Captain Janeway could actually self-destruct the ship, so they kill her first.

All of a sudden, everything vanishes, leaving Captain Picard and Captain Sisko in an alien holodeck.

Aliens: Bwahahahaha! It is down to you two! Now it is time for the final challenge!

Picard: Well, what's the challenge?

Aliens: Whoever has the shinier head will be allowed to leave!

Picard: It has to be me! I'm naturally bald!

Sisko: Now, if only Kirk could admit that...

So, lights shine on the captains' heads, and more light reflects off of Captain Picard's head.

Sisko: Well, they say fortune favors the bald. The naturally bald in this case...

Sisko disappears in a flash of light.

Aliens: Congratulations, Captain Picard! You are the winner!

Picard: Cool! What do I win?

Aliens: A year's supply of Gagh-a-Roni, the San Fran-Qo'noS treat!

Picard: Eew...

The winner: Jean-Luc Picard!

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"Wise Papa Smurf... Corrupted by his own power! Can no leader go untainted?!?!"

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"Have you ever tried factoring Optimus Prime?"

I was hoping for a better response than this. You don't need a careful analysis to make a judgement. This is not what it is entirely about. More like a satirical thing in which you can poke fun at the characters.

Krenim's entry is the best example. Normally he would be the winner. Shik and Nimrod (right-hook remark) would get runner up.

I'm gonna try this again. Perhaps this matchup wasn't a good idea in the first place. The next one is going to be McCoy vs. the Holodoc, and if the turnout for that one is good, I'll be doing Quark vs. Mudd.