Shut up, Chakotay!

Ever notice how the Voyager writers have an obnoxious habit of blatantly explaining an episode's title by having Chakotay tell Janeway a long, obnoxious parable? Well, I'm going to turn that into a contest!

I'm going to give you a Voyager episode title. You have to write a long, obnoxious parable for Chakotay to bore us to death with. The rules are:

1. Chakotay must include the episode title.

2. Chakotay must make the parable as funny as possible.

3. Chakotay must explain how this parable pertains to some aspect of the episode. The more insane the logic, the better.

I, of course, will judge the contest.

This week's episode is:

Eye of the Needle

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"The only good thing about this film is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out. Mmm, mmm... Wait a minute, edible roaches don't crawl. Edible roaches don't crawl!"

How long is "long", Bludgeoning The Weather?

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Go Mad.
Go Evil.
Just GO.

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"The only good thing about this film is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out. Mmm, mmm... Wait a minute, edible roaches don't crawl. Edible roaches don't crawl!"

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Luke Ford: "What's it like having a dick in your ass?"

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Star Trek: Legacy -
Timeline of Pertinent Events

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Luke Ford: "What's it like having a dick in your ass?"

Janeway: "Go on. What did Mr. Bear do?"

Chakotay: "Well, he tried many things. He tried drawing a picture of her. He tried seeing her reflection in a lake. He even tried looking through the eye of the needle she used to sew up his trousers to find her."

Janeway: "Well, did he?"

Chakotay: "No."

Janeway: "What did he do?"

Chakotay: "What do you think he did? He whipped it out right there and then and pleased himself. Sheeesh."

Janeway: "Er ... Chakotay, how does this relate to sending a message to Earth?"

Chakotay: "I'm sorry, Captain. But I don't think a message will reach Earth. I think we're wasting our mother-lovin' time, and I think we need to get back at warp nine headed for the Alpha Quadrant."

Janeway: "Anything ELSE, Commander?"

Chakotay: "Yeah, you need to hide those nude pics of you and Mark. Honestly, the Dulaney sisters posted them on the ship's BBoard last week ... half the crew is..."

Janeway: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Chakotay: "The pics don't do it, Kathryn! You need a real man!"

Janeway: "You're right! Mr. Paris, report to the Captain's Ready..."

Chakotay: "PARIS? What? No, me numbskull!"

Janeway: "Numbskull?! You can't call me numbskull!"

Chakotay: "Women."

Janeway: "Men."

::Begin Kissing::

::Story becomes NC-17::

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier ... just as long as I'm the dictator." - George "Dubya" Bush, Dec 18, 2000

"Captain, I may have an idea."

"Oh?"

"My people have a legend. Once there was a very old man who had three sons. Two of the sons stayed home to help their father in his twilight years. But the third was not content with life in the village of his birth. He longed to see the world. So one day he set out, through the Great Forest and over the Impassable Mountains. He walked for a long, long time, until he was so far away..."

"Yes?"

"Well, he was really far away. Anyway, having seen the world and everything in it, he wanted to be able to share this knowledge with his father and brothers. But his father had been very old when he left, and he knew that the old man might die by the time he had gotten back. The son despaired of ever seeing his father again, until one day in his wanderings, he discovered a tiny crack running along the ground, no bigger than the eye of the needle. He knelt down and peered within, and through this crack he could see his village, his brothers working in the fields, his father sitting in their home. He was overjoyed. But then he realized that there would be no way to travel through that crack."

"I see. Go on."

"Well Captain, we seem to have discovered just such a crack. But where the son could not travel, perhaps his words could. We could use the wormhole to send a message home. Granted, there's the time difference, but it may be the only chance we get."

"Is that how the son was able to talk with his father?"

"Actually, he ended up taking his knife and filleting himself into very fine strips and passing them through the crack. His brothers sewed him up on the other side."

"Oh."

"But I think the message thing could work."

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20th century, go to sleep.
--
R.E.M.
****
Read chapters one and two of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! Show no patience, tolerance, or restraint.

I'm guessing we don't get to do one on "Scorpion."

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Luke Ford: "What's it like having a dick in your ass?"

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Here lies a toppled god,
His fall was not a small one.
We did but build his pedestal,
A narrow and a tall one.

-Tleilaxu Epigram

Well, let that be a lesson to you, filling yourself up with ice cream before meals. . . 8)

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Luke Ford: "What's it like having a dick in your ass?"

Anyway, I declare Sol to be the winner. His entry not only had all the requirements, but for some odd reason, I can actually picture Chakotay telling this story...

JeffKardde wins runner-up, simply because he was the only other person to enter.

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"The only good thing about this film is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out. Mmm, mmm... Wait a minute, edible roaches don't crawl. Edible roaches don't crawl!"

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"Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If the worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere."