Cartman
just made by the Presbyterian Church
Member # 256
posted
Although restrooms are present in maps of the Enterprise, we never see anyone using or saying they need to use the restroom. This is because the ship's computer constantly scans the bowel levels of all life forms on the ship and beams out waste material as needed. The person simply feels a slight tingle and then they no longer need to go.
The bathrooms are present in case of failure of the AWRS (automatic waste removal system). Of course, the energy from this matter is used in the food replicators, which explains why replicated food tastes "a little off." Furthermore, some people prefer not to use the toilet because the sonic-wipe, although quite effective, is slightly painful.
Unfortunately, the AWRS leads to a number of unique problems for certain individuals. For some, the sphincter muscle becomes weak for lack of use. In this case, the computer must erect a small force field at the anal opening to restrict the waste from soiling the starfleet issue underwear and thus preventing streakification. For others, such as Janeway, the anus becomes stiffened from lack of use, resulting in a "tight ass". Unfortunately, star fleet science is still searching for a means of managing tight asses and has seen little success.
There was one experiment involving a probe that would be introduced into a small anus, or other tight oraphis. It would instantaneously deliver what we call, "the exodus effect" - a process whereby matter is reorganized at the molecular level, with poo-generating results. Unfortunately, protomatter was used in the initial experiments, and the probe essentially ripped the subject a new asshole.
This concludes the technical specifications regarding bathrooms on federation starships.
(Klingons just have a hole in the floor of the bridge that shoots the waste into space)
-------------------- ".mirrorS arE morE fuN thaN televisioN" - TEH PNIK FLAMIGNO
posted
I always wondered why nobody ever needed to go. And that explains that souffle I replicated too.
-------------------- Fry- How will we get out of this? George Takei's head- Maybe we can use some kind of auto-destruct code like one-A, two-B, three-C... (Bender's head blows up) Bender- Now everybody knows! -Futurama's obligatory Star Trek episode
Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Janeway: "This coffee smells like shit." Chakotay: "Is shit captain." Janeway: "Oh good, then it's not me. It's a bit nutty."
-------------------- I'm slightly annoyed at Hobbes' rather rude decision to be much more attractive than me though. That's just rude. - PsyLiam, Oct 27, 2005.
Registered: May 1999
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OnToMars
Now on to the making of films!
Member # 621
posted
How does one tell the difference between the tingle of a successful waste beam out and the tingle of an...uh...unsuccessful beam out?
-------------------- If God didn't want us to fly, he wouldn't have given us Bernoulli's Principle.
Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
That tingle would be accompanied by the plopping sound of your stomach falling into the place where your colon used to be.
Registered: Mar 1999
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capped
I WAS IN THE FUTURE, IT WAS TOO LATE TO RSVP
Member # 709
posted
'what we got back.. didnt live long..
-------------------- "Are you worried that your thoughts are not quite.. clear?"
Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
Also, if the confinement beam strength is off for any reason, entire digestive tracks would sometimes be removed.
Officer: "Hey, I didn't order T[something]lian sausages." Waiter: "That's your lower intestine, sir. The doctor told me to tell you to swollow it promptly."
Onboard Klingon ships, Gagh is often beamed straight out of a person's stomach, so it could be maintained in its live and fresh state and be served to the next person (it's costly and troublesome to keep large amounts of gagh in stasis for long periods of time). What Klingons really fill up on is buttered dinner rolls and crumpets.
[ September 23, 2001: Message edited by: David Templar ]
-------------------- "God's in his heaven. All's right with the world."
Registered: Apr 2001
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capped
I WAS IN THE FUTURE, IT WAS TOO LATE TO RSVP
Member # 709
posted
This thread wouldnt hit rock bottom until i hit the saddest old convention jokes i ever heard (from people who work on the show even)
Deleted scene from Star Trek IV:
'Wait.. there're no bathrooms on this Klingon ship.. what do we do?' 'I suppose we go where no man has gone before'
'Engage the cloaking device so we dont attract attention.' 'Yes, you get itchy when Klingons are near Uranus'
'We'll need the Captain's log for the trial' 'Wheres the captain's log?' 'In the captain's toilet...'
Thank you. Good night and God bless...
PS.. Ooh i forgot the best story, the true meeting of Khan and Chekov. Chekov was reading the latest copy of Rigelian Juggs in the junior officer's head, when Khan came bursting in with a sleeper-ship version of Montezuma's Revene, dealing with 200 years of excrement that had been built up, waits until hes sick and Chekov comes out, he grabs him and say.. 'No.. I will not forget your face' before he rushes the stall...
[ September 23, 2001: Message edited by: CaptainMike ]
-------------------- "Are you worried that your thoughts are not quite.. clear?"
Registered: Sep 2001
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