In the vastness of space, a small freighter made its way along one of the Alpha Quadrant's main trade routes. Being a small freighter, it didn't so much have a bridge as it had a cockpit, where the only two crewmen aboard were on the lookout...
"It sure is boring out here."
"Yup."
"Should I turn on the subspace radio?"
"Why not. It's not like we have much else to do."
The one pressed a few buttons, and the radio turned on. "Continuing with news from the front lines of the Vaad War, Starfleet was handed a crushing defeat near the B'Omar Sovereignty today. Not even the rediculous headgear of the B'Omar could stand up to the Vaadwaur. This essentially brings all of Sector Grid M7 under enemy control..."
The other crewman sighed. "Amazing..."
"That Starfleet could be losing like this?"
"No, that the author is actually taking the time to use Star Charts!"
All of a sudden, one of the consoles started beeping (as most consoles eventually do). One of the crewmen checked it out. "Sensors are detecting an anomaly forming nearby."
"What kind of anomaly?"
"An interdimensional portal. You don't see those everyday."
"Nope. Should we send Starfleet a message so they can come take a look at it?"
"Hold on. Something's coming through it."
"Really? Put it onscreen."
The large swirling vortex appeared on the main viewer, and sure enough, something had just come out of it. The one crewman squinted at it. "It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"No, it's a... tractor trailer?!?!"
Yes, it was a tractor trailer, and it was coming at the freighter very quickly. The crewmen tried to get the shields up in time, but it was too late, the vehicle slammed into the ship.
"There's a hull breach on the lower deck! Emergency forcefields are in place!"
"Should we go check it out?"
"Probably not, but the plot's not going to advance itself. Let's go see what's down there..."
The two climbed down the ladder to the lower deck, and entered a cargo hold. The interior was filled with smoke. The two turned on some futuristic flashlights. What they illuminated was something huge. Something metal. Something pointing a really big gun at them.
It spoke. "I'm only going to ask this once... WHERE IS GALVATRON?!?!"
***
Several days later, all of the Relativity's senior staff except for Braxton, Ducane, and Sulu sat around a table in the Mess Hall. As usual, they were all complaining about the lack of screen time they had been getting lately. Dax, however, was about to unveil something that would make them all happier...
"Ladies and gentlemen, for too long we have suffered from not being important to the plots on this show. I've been forced to do nothing except respond to my beeping console. Yar hasn't beaten anybody up in months. The Doctor's really only been in one episode so far this season. But I have some good news... I have at last completed the AG3K!"
Dax held up what looked sort of like an isolinear chip with a big smiley face on it.
The Doctor took the chip and studied it. "AG3K?"
"Attention-Getter 3000. With this, we will finally get some screen time!"
Yar looked skeptical. "What's it do?"
"When I plug this thing into the main computer, it will monitor the plot of the current episode. Any time that Braxton, Ducane, or Sulu start becoming too important, the chip will cause the transporter to beam them to some random point on the ship."
"Yes! We'll be free of them forever!"
Braxton's voice came over the comm. "Everyone should get to the bridge. There's a ship closing on us."
So everyone headed for the bridge. Well, everyone except for Dax, who stopped at the main computer on the way...
***
When Dax got to the bridge, she found Yar sitting in Braxton's seat, the Doctor sitting in Ducane's seat, and nobody sitting in Sulu's seat. Yar turned around and grinned at Dax. "It worked! Braxton and Ducane were giving us a ton of orders and hogging screentime when they were just beamed away! Sulu too!"
"Excellent!"
"But with Sulu gone, there's nobody to fly the ship!"
"Actually, I prepared for just such an emergency. Hit that big green button on Sulu's console marked 'Autopilot.'"
Kes sat down in Sulu's seat and pushed the button. "Done."
"Okay. So... What kind of ship is heading towards us?"
"How would I know? You're the one with the console that tells us all those sorts of things!"
"Oh yeah."
Dax went over to her console and checked out the ship. "It's the Nemesis!"
The Doctor was confused. "I didn't think that movie had been released yet..."
"Not the movie, you nitwit. Galvatron's ship."
"Oh."
"And it's hailing us."
Yar nodded. "Onscreen."
The view of the approaching Nemesis was replaced with a view of a rather frantic view of the Decepticon leader. "Finally! What took you guys so long? And where's Braxton?"
Yar smirked. "He's... indisposed at the moment. What can we do for you?"
"I need you guys to protect me!"
"From what?"
"Him!"
"Him who?"
"Prime!"
"Prime? Optimus Prime? He's here?"
"Yes! And he's trying to kill me! Help!"
"Hmm... Group huddle time!"
The crew huddled together. Yar asked, "What do you guys think? Should we help him?"
Kes nodded. "I think he's serious. He hasn't laughed maniacally once this episode."
The Doctor seconded that. "And he's come in handy a few times since he was abandoned by the Excelsior crew."
The huddle disbanded and Yar sat back in Braxton's seat. "Okay, Galvatron. But one quick question: You've got yourself a pretty bad warship there yourself. Can't you just blow up Prime yourself?"
"Don't you think I've tried that? He just won't stay dead! Do you realize the number of times Prime's died and come back if you take into account all Transformers continuities? It's a lot!"
Yar grabbed a phaser rifle. "Well, there's nothing I can't blow to smithereens! Beam aboard, and we'll take care of this little Prime problem for you."
"Excellent! Bwahahahahaha!"
***
A little while later, Galvatron was in Sickbay with the Doctor and Kes watching him. Galvatron was pacing back and forth. Kes finally had enough. "Would you stop that? We're going to stop this Prime guy."
"I hope so, but I don't know if even you guys can stop him."
"Hmm... For those of us who didn't watch much 80's cartoons, who exactly is Optimus Prime?"
"He's the leader of the Autobots, the good Transformers. Since I'm the leader of the Decepticons, the evil Transformers, we've been mortal enemies for millions of years."
"Wow. That's a long time."
"Well, for most of that time, I was Megatron. Then this giant planet-sized Transformer named Unicron changed me into Galvatron."
"I just wanted to know who he was, I didn't want your life story."
"Bwahahaha!"
***
Back on the bridge, everyone else was on the lookout for Prime. All of a sudden, the ship went to Red Alert.
Yar turned to Dax. "Is it Prime?"
"I don't know. I'm not going to check."
"You're not going to check? Why not?"
"I made the AG3K so I wouldn't be reduced to checking my beeping console!"
"But nobody else knows how to check the sensors!"
"Oh. Well... Okay. But just this once."
Dax checked her console. "Sensors are picking up one tractor trailer headed towards us. It's hailing us. Audio only."
"Onscreen. Oh, right. Audio only. Uhm... On speakers?"
Optimus Prime's voice came over the comm. "I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. You are harboring a known Cybertronian criminal. Hand him over to me immediately."
"Not so fast, Prime."
Prime slowed down.
"Not literally! I meant that Galvatron's actually done some good lately. Sort of. And we kind of promised him we'd protect him from you."
"I see. Well, I'm a reasonable robot. Let's talk about this."
"Fine. But while you're onboard, you don't touch Galvatron. Yet."
"Your terms are acceptable."
***
Galvatron was being suckered out of quite a bit of money in a game of fizzbin with the Doctor and Kes when the rest of the senior staff escorted Prime into Sickbay. Galvatron panicked. "You brought Prime here? What were you thinking?"
Prime just glared at Galvatron. "I gave them my word I wouldn't touch you while I was onboard, and I keep my word. I'm the good guy, remember? You're the bad guy."
Galvatron stopped quaking a bit. "Oh yeah."
"I hear you've done some good. Sort of."
"Yeah. I gave them some money to pay off greedy whales. And I stopped the Excelsior crew from escaping. Well, sort of. They escaped later anyway."
"Yet you haven't lifted a finger to help Cybertron, the planet you decimated."
"Now that's not true! I've been sending a huge amount of money back to Cybertron to fix things up!"
"You have not!"
"I have so! And I'll prove it too!"
***
Several hours later, the Relativity arrived at the Federation Express building, where their motto was "When it absolutely, positively has to be in another universe overnight." Galvatron, Prime, and the Relativity staff approached one of the counters where one of the employees was working.
Galvatron slammed his fist on the counter. "I want to know why none of the money I've been sending has been getting to my home planet!"
"And you are...?"
"Galvatron! You were supposed to be sending checks to Cybertron in the Transformers universe!"
The employee checked the computer. "Let me see... Yes, Mr. Galvatron. We have been sending out your checks."
Galvatron swung the computer screen around and read all the information. "You idiot! You've been sending it to the Transformies universe!"
Dax scratched her head in confusion. "What's a Transformie?"
Yar shrugged. "Beats me. Sounds like a Transformer, except cute and cuddly."
***
In the Transformies universe, all of the cute and cuddly robots were dancing in a conga line, chanting, "We got tons of money! We got tons of money!"
One of the Transformies suddenly spoke up. "Shouldn't we tell this Galvatron fellow that his money's being sent to the wrong place?"
The other Transformies just glared at him.
"Never mind. Silly me."
And they all got back to their conga line.
***
Galvatron was quite annoyed. "I've had it with you guys! I've never using Federation Express again! From now on, I'm using UFPS! Bwahahaha!"
Prime was stunned. "So you have been sending money?"
"What have I been saying this whole time? Yes, I've been sending money! I was kind of hoping to avoid the whole getting-hunted-down-by-Prime situation!"
"Well then, for the good of Cybertron, I guess I'll leave you here to continue making money. I'll head back to Cybertron."
Galvatron had a thought. "Why don't you stay here with me, Prime? Imagine the truckloads of cash we could be making if we made commercials together!"
"Hmm... You really think so?"
"Yes, I do! I'll make a star out of you! Bwahahaha!"
"Okay, but there's something I have to do first."
And with that, Prime punched Galvatron in the face, knocking him out.
The Doctor looked at the unconscious Decepticon. "What did you do that for?"
"That's for all those years I had to listen to that annoying maniacal laughter of his..."
***
And so, the Relativity and the Nemesis parted ways. The senior staff relaxed on the bridge. Yar smirked. "I could really get used to this..."
And with that, everyone disappeared in a flash of blue transporter light. Braxton, Ducane, Sulu, and Xaronna stepped off the turbolift.
Ducane smiled. "Thanks for reconfiguring that chip, Xaronna."
Xaronna grinned. "No problem. How long are you going to keep them beaming around like that?"
Braxton settled down in his chair. "Oh, we'll probably let them go sometime before the next episode. Until then, there's a few openings in the senior staff. Pick a station. Any station..."
***
Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, time gets messed up even more than usual when an entire episode gets devoted to an obscure line from way back in Season 1!
-------------------- "Kirito? I killed a thing and now it says I have XPs! Is that bad? Am I dying?"
-Asuna, Episode 2, Sword Art Online Abridged
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
Thanks, for this, Krenim! I've been spending the entire evening erasing my hard drive, reinstalling the system software, and getting my applications back up. I really needed a good laugh.
...Though I must admit I half expected Prime to laugh maniacally after he punched out Galvatron.
-------------------- “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov Star Trek Minutiae | Memory Alpha
Registered: Nov 2000
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