Star Trek: Series ?
Episode 27: The Charge of the Fire Brigade (Season 2 Premiere)
Previously, on Star Trek: Series ?, Captain Braxton had the Borg implant in his brain removed and was launched into a black hole by the Excelsior crew. The Relativity arrived to save him, but were too late: Braxton had already passed the black hole's event horizon. Furthermore, Evil Braxton had all the temporal weapons of mass destruction hooked together and detonated just as he and his crew realized it was probably not a good idea to be at ground zero. And now the conclusion. Or is that the continuation? Whichever.
Ducane tried to think of an alternate plan. "Yar, I want you to blast a hole in the event horizon! That way, we can beam Captain Braxton aboard!"
"Excuse me, sir, but this is not Voyager. Contrary to the episode "Parallax," you can't have a hole in an event horizon."
"Curse you and your science, Yar! There's got to be a way to get Captain Braxton out of there! I mean, we can't have the star of the show leave after only one season! This isn't Babylon 5!"
Jadzia agreed with Yar. "I'm sorry, sir, but there's just no way we can get him back. Look at it this way... As second-in-command, you're the new captain of the Relativity!"
Sulu turned around abruptly. "Hey, I'm the highest ranking Starfleet officer on this ship! If anyone's going to be be the new captain, it's going to be me!"
Just as Ducane and Sulu were about to beat the stuffing out of each other, the ship went to Red Alert. Dax checked the sensors. "Sir, a Level 47 temporal shockwave has appeared centered on the Excelsior's last known location. It will hit us in approximately one minute."
Ducane stopped giving Sulu noogies and got back in the captain's chair. "Onscreen!"
Sure enough, a giant red energy shockwave was headed straight for them. Ducane sighed in disgust. "Great, another two-dimensional shockwave... When are these special effects people going to realize that explosions go in all directions? Anyway, Dax, how much of a danger does this temporal shockwave pose?"
Dax ran a projection through the computer. "It's only dangerous to those near the origin of the wave, but it'll cause temporal havoc across the Federation..."
"I'm assuming we're close enough to the origin to be in danger..."
"Very well. Yar, raise shields!"
Yar brought the shields online, but Dax shook her head. "That's not going to be enough to withstand the force of the shockwave, sir!"
"Okay then... Divert power from the weapons, transporters, holodecks, replicators, and life support to the shields!"
"Sir, that's still not going to be enough!"
"Geez... Okay, divert power from the amusement park, the casino, the mall, and the Starbucks to the shields!"
"Okay, sir, that should be enough! Impact in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."
And with that, the wave of fire and time slammed into the Relativity. Sulu's favorite tea cup fell to the floor and shattered to pieces. Sulu looked down at the cup's remains. "You know, I really must remember not to drink tea while the ship is getting battered by shockwaves..."
While the crew were trying to keep the ship together, Dax noticed something interesting. "Lt. Ducane, the shockwave's temporal properties are interacting with the black hole's gravitational field, causing the event horizon to shrink! We can get Captain Braxton back, but we only have until the shockwave passes to do it!"
Ducane smiled. "See, I told you we weren't going to pull a B5! Sulu, try to get us closer to the black hole! Dax, I want you to lock onto the captain and beam him aboard!"
Dax whipped out her manual. "Sir, that order breaks Trek Tech Commandments 1 and 2!"
"What Commandments are those?"
"'Thou shalt not beam through shields' and 'Thou shalt not use a device that thou hast diverted power from.'"
"Curse you and your science, Dax! Is there another way we can get Captain Braxton out of there?"
"We could extend our shields around the escape pod he's in, and then use the tractor beams to bring him into the shuttlebay."
"Why didn't you suggest that in the first place?"
"You didn't ask."
Ducane banged his head into the console a few times, then sprang into action. "Sulu, bring us just outside the black hole's normal event horizon radius! Yar, extend the shields! Dax, engage the tractor beam!"
And so, the escape pod was brought aboard the Relativity. Seconds later, the shockwave passed.
Ducane then turned his attention to other things. "Dax, what happened to the Excelsior?"
"Well, sir... That's kind of strange. I'm not picking it up on sensors, but I'm not picking up any wreckage, either."
"What about temporal sensors?"
"Upcoming episode sensors?"
"That is strange... Oh well, at least they're out of our hair for a while. Have the captain beamed to Sickbay. That's where I'm headed as well. Sulu, you have the bridge."
Sulu got up, ran over to the captain's chair, and began yelling "Mine, mine, mine!" over and over again.
A few minutes later, Ducane walked into Sickbay, where the Doctor was busy running scans on Captain Braxton. "How is he, Doctor?"
The Doctor frowned. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the evil crew of the evil Excelsior did, in fact, carry out their threat to remove the Borg implant from Captain Braxton's brain."
And, of course, Captain Braxton felt the need to say, "No, the Excelsior crew carried out their threat to remove the Borg implant from my brain."
Ducane was none too pleased. "Curse the Excelsior crew and their science! Remind me if we ever meet up with them again to act moody and angsty for them doing this to him just when he was becoming quasi-competant. Anyway, what's the good news?"
"The good news is that 19th Century quack Dr. Frankenstein only half-completed the job. Sure, he removed the implant, but he forgot to flush out the nanoprobes in Captain Braxton's bloodstream. They've already gotten to work rebuilding the implant, but it will be quite some time before he gets back to the level of intelligence he had before."
"Well, that's a small miracle. Finish running your scans, Doctor. In the meantime, I'm taking the ship to Starbase 47 to receive new orders from Starfleet."
"No, you should take the ship to Starbase 47 to receive new orders from Starfleet."
Ducane rolled his eyes as he left Sickbay for the bridge...
Several hours later, the Relativity docked at Starbase 47. The ship recieved a transmission from inside the station, and Yar put it on the viewscreen. Ducane was shocked. "It's... It's... It's the disembodied head of Jean-Luc Picard!"
Sure enough, it was him. "Lt. Ducane, I want you in my office immediately!"
"Yes, sir, Admiral Picard, sir!"
Ducane ran all the way from the Relativity bridge to Admiral Picard's office. He took a minute to catch his breath, and then pushed the doorbell.
From inside the office came a fearsome, booming voice. "Who dares disturb Picard, the Great and Terrible?"
"It is I, sir, Ducane, the Humble and Meek."
"Very well... Enter!"
So, Ducane went in and sat at the desk. On top of the desk was Picard's head, floating in a jar of nutrients. Ducane began. "I was suprised to hear from you again, sir. After all, you haven't been seen since the very first episode."
"Yes, I got myself a new agent who booked me for several appearances this season, so expect to see more of me. Anyway, we need to get to the business at hand..."
A 3D map of the Federation and surrounding space popped into existance on the right side of Picard's desk. "Ducane, I'm afraid we have a bit of a situation on our hands. That shockwave that the Excelsior crew set off has had some unexpected and unpleasant side-effects."
A representation of the shockwave made its way through the map of the Federation, leaving behind several glowing points scattered throughout the region. Picard explained. "The shockwave opened quite a few shortlived temporal anomalies throughout the Federation. These anomalies connected our timeline to several other alternate Star Trek timelines, and quite a few ships from these alternate timelines took the opportunity to cross over into our space. I'm charging you and your crew with tracking down these ships and returning them to whence they came."
Ducane saluted. "Yes, sir! As soon as Captain Braxton is okayed for duty, we'll begin our new mission!"
Picard wasn't finished. "Not so fast, Ducane! There's still one more matter that has to be dealt with before you can leave: Your ship needs a new chief engineer, since Gul Dukat has joined the Excelsior crew. I have plucked two candidates from the past, and I'd like for you to make the final decision."
"Sir, shouldn't Captain Braxton be making this decision?"
"Ducane, we both know that Braxton is an idiot, more so now than ever. The only reason he's still a captain at all is because he's a face recognizable to Trekkies. So, I'm leaving the decision to you."
"Okay, sir. Who are the candidates?"
"The first candidate is Legate Damar. He's the former leader of the Cardassian Union who later became a freedom fighter."
"I don't know, sir... We didn't have much luck with the last former Cardassian leader who became our chief engineer. Who's the second candidate?"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND DECENT, NO! NO, NO, NO! WE'LL TAKE DAMAR!"
"I thought you might." Picard activated the comm system. "Damar, please report to my office."
A few moments later, the door opened. In staggered Damar, who was holding a bottle of kanar in his hand. "Hi everybody! It's *hic* me, Damar! It's nice to *hic* meet you!"
Ducane shook Damar's hand. "Well, you may be a drunkard, but at least you're not evil! Welcome aboard!"
"Hey, you're not the *hic* boss of me..."
"Actually, I am the boss of you."
"Oh... Okay... Let's *hic* go..."
So, the two walked (well, Ducane walked, Damar stumbled and occasionally fell down) back to the Relativity. Captain Braxton had already been released from Sickbay and was back on the bridge. He was reading the new mission statement. Ducane sat down in the first officer's seat next to the captain. "Finished with the mission statement, sir?"
"No, I'm finished with the mission statement. Mr. Sulu..."
"Right... Captain Sulu, take us out!"
And so, the Relativity detached from Starbase 47 and headed out into space...
Time. The Final Frontier. Yes, we know, you all thought it was space. Well, guess what? You're all wrong! Time is the final frontier! Anyway, these are the voyages of the Timeship Relativity. It's continuing mission: To apprehend temporal criminals, to seek out old plots and recycle them continuously, to boldy go when everyone else has been before!
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew begins its new mission by hunting down one of the most notorious temporal offenders ever!
"The Long Kiss Goodnight begins, more or less, with Geena Davis being kicked in the head by a deer. This was the high point of the film."
- Sol System, 2/24/01