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Warning to the humor impaired: This is a PARODY of Star Wars Episode II, not the actual script, although by golly it does contain spoilers. See disclaimer at the end.


STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
By Katherine Dazazel and Matthew Jones

It is a time of great unrest, as always. The lunatics are running the asylum. The baby�s been thrown out with the bathwater. The fat�s all the way in the fire. Bad things are gonna happen. But first, some meetings.
Grand-chancellor Palpatine, backed by the evil plots of the mysterious Darth Sidious, who has never been photographed with Palpatine although we�re quite sure that�s merely a coincidence, seeks to establish an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC(tm) so that he can become the EMPEROR(tm). Meanwhile, Count Dooku, a wizard of much power, is trying to stir up trouble by leading a separatist movement comprised of his and Palpatine�s mutual friends. The Jedi do not think this is odd because the DARK SIDE(tm) has clouded their minds. As if all this wasn�t enough, EX-QUEEN AMIDALA is back--and now she�s a Senator! Promotion at last! Unfortunately someone�s also trying to kill her.

EXT. CORUSCANT. A big ship that sounds like a blimp lands and a bunch of extras come out of it, joined by OLE ONE-EYE, an apparent replacement for Captain Token-Black-Guy, and EX-QUEEN AMIDALA, dressed as a pilot so that the bad guys will never ever guess it�s her.
OLE ONE-EYE:
Oh well, I guess I was wrong, nothing�s going to explode horribly. Maybe I�ve got the wrong script. Oops, guess not.
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA attempts to look stricken.
Oh dear, my loyal extra, writhing in horrible pain on the ground.
EXTRA:
I�ve failed you. I seem to be mortal. I�m sorry.
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:
You�re fired. God rot your soul!
EXTRA dies.
INT. CASTLE GREYSKULL
MACE WINDU:
This is going to lead to war, mark my words.
Grand-chancellor Palpatine, the EMPEROR:
Wah! Good god y�all! There hasn�t been a wah since 1902. My negotiations will be short--I mean, will not fail. Send de droid.
MACE WINDU:
Disgruntled spice miners are behind this. They�re sick of working for that Baron Harkonnen.
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:
Are you sure it�s not Count Dooku? He dresses in black, he has a British accent, and he�s Christopher Lee. Possibly that means he�s Saruman. Saruman was bad, wasn�t he?
YODA [consults his copy of The Lord of the Rings]:
Well, he was the head of the White Council.
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:
No, look, he�s a traitor! How long has it been since you read this, anyway?
YODA:
Not since high school. Impossible too see the future is. The dark side clouds everything. Oops, that was a Jedi secret. Did I say it out loud? Damn the dark side!
MACE WINDU:
Anyway, they�re after you. What oh what will we do? We�re helpless to do anything to help you!
EMPEROR:
I have a cunning plan, m�lord! Let�s get your old pals Obi Wan and Anakin to guard you!
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:
Why them, specifically?
EMPEROR:
I have my reasons. What they are nobody knows, including me, but I�m sure there are reasons.
INT. AMIDALA�S PAD
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:
Annie? Little Annie? You�ve grown! You�re older than me now!
ANAKIN:
That�s because I�ve got a new actor. Hey, I get to be your BODYguard! Rrrrrrowl.
EX-QUEEN AMIDALA:
Are you allowed to lech? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.
ANAKIN:
Not as long as we don�t get too attached. In fact, you might say that they encourage us to fuck around.
OBI-WAN:
Shhh. That�s part of the secret teachings.
ANAKIN:
Anyway, we�re going to find out who�s after you and slaughter them like animals.
OBI-WAN:
Oh no we�re not, we�re staying right here, young man. You need to learn to follow my lead, young one, and learn your place.
OLE ONE-EYE:
Actually, we need you to find who�s after the Ex-Queen and slaughter them like animals.
ANAKIN:
Try to keep up, �master.�
EXT. TOKYO, where some ads are in a really bad spot because no one�s there to see them except the occasional bounty hunter.
JANGO FETT, handing a tube of squirmy giant maggots to Zen Bandito:
Be careful, they�re really gross.
ZEN:
Great, I just happen to have brought a bug-dispenser droid in my speeder. [Feeds the tube of squirmy giant maggots into the bug-dispenser droid.] There. [Pause.] Now why did I have to do that and not you, again?
JANGO:
Fingerprints.
ZEN:
You�re wearing gloves.
JANGO:
Gloves. Riiiiiight.
INT. AMIDALA�S PAD, night
OBI-WAN:
I got the beer and popcorn. Turn on the ex-queen�s viewscreen, we�re in for a whole night of chick-watchin.
ANAKIN:
I don�t know why, but she covered up the cameras. I don�t think she liked me watching her and drooling on the viewscreen. Or maybe it was the heavy breathing. But it�s okay, I can sense everything that�s going on in that room. Heh heh.
OBI-WAN:
Well, I can sense everything in there too.
ANAKIN:
Cannot.
OBI-WAN:
Can too.
ANAKIN:
Cannot.
OBI-WAN:
Can too.
ANAKIN:
Cannot. Wait, I sense there�s some bugs in there that will sting Amidala to death!
OBI-WAN:
I sense it too!
ANAKIN:
Cannot.
OBI-WAN:
Can too.
ANAKIN:
Cannot.
OBI-WAN:
Can too--hey, I�m coming too!
Anakin leaps into Amidala�s room and slices the bugs neatly in half.
ANAKIN:
Follow that bug-dispenser droid! Whoa, I didn�t mean, you know, jump through the window.
OBI-WAN [hanging from the droid with one hand and holding a Mountain Dew in the other]:
EXTREEEEEME!
Anakin runs outside and steals someone�s speeder.
ANAKIN:
Gone in sixty seconds. Woohoo, look at me!
Anakin flies through the traffic after Obi-Wan. A cop flies out after him.
ANAKIN:
What are you gonna do, pull me over for driving while Jedi?
COP:
Jedi poodoo.
Zen shoots Obi-Wan off the droid and down, down he goes. Anakin catches him in the ship.
OBI-WAN:
Whew. What took you so long?
ANAKIN:
You know me, it took me a while to find a speeder I liked.
OBI-WAN:
You and your speeder fetish.
ANAKIN:
One with an open cockpit and the right shade of red.
OBI-WAN:
Yes, whatever.
ANAKIN:
One with a conveniently placed cigarette lighter and a CD player.
OBI-WAN:
I know, I know, shut up.
ANAKIN:
One with arrrrgh.
OBI-WAN:
I said shut up. Where are you going, she so totally went the other way.
ANAKIN:
I�m taking a shortcut through the plaaaaanet core.
OBI-WAN:
Oh, okay. Cool.
[Much later]
ANAKIN:
There she goes into that club.
OBI-WAN:
Hey, valet parking. Nice place. So who are we looking for, anyway?
ANAKIN:
I think she�s a changeling.
OBI-WAN:
Well, it�s times like this, my boy, when you want to be extra careful. I�ll be at the bar.
PUSHER WITH DEELYBOPPERS:
Want some deathsticksssss?
OBI-WAN:
You don�t want to sell me deathsticks.
PUSHER:
I don�t want to sell you deathsticksssssssss.
ANAKIN:
Can�t find her anywhere. Hey, master, try a deathstick. They�re awesome! --Hey, there she goes! She�s the one dressed like a bounty hunter!
OBI-WAN:
Quick, cut her arm off so she can�t escape!
ANAKIN:
Jedi business. Go back to your boozing and whoring.
They drag Zen outside.
OBI-WAN:
Please tell us who hired you to assassinate the senator.
ANAKIN:
Or we cut off the other arm.
OBI-WAN:
My Jedi-sense is tingling! I sense a bounty hunter is about to shoot this other bounty hunter!
ZEN:
Ow! [She dies.]
OBI-WAN:
That armor guy shot her with this super-extra-toxic instakill dart! I�d better go check with my pal Dexter, the big fat slob. He�s an expert on toxins. You might not want to eat at his diner, though.
ANAKIN:
Hey, who�s watching Amidala?
OBI-WAN:
Oops.
INT. DEXTER�S DINER, the next morning
OBI-WAN:
Dexter, you big fat slob! How�re they hanging? I�ve got this dart thing here--what can you tell me about it?
DEXTER, digging at his butt crack with one hand:
Oh, that�s a Camino saber dart.
OBI-WAN:
Isn�t that a car?
DEXTER:
Well, yeah, but it�s also a dart. You only get this kind of dart on Camino. They�re cloners up there. They clone stuff. With clones. Clones R Us. They call each other on the tele-clone. They sit around listening to the clone-agraph, that song �I Think I�m a Clone Now.� They hang out their clones on a clones-line.
OBI-WAN:
Oh, so they clone, huh? And make darts?
DEXTER:
Yeah. Clones and darts, that�s basically all they do.
INT. JEDI HALL
MACE WINDU:
Obi-Wan, you need to go find out what the hell�s going on.
OBI-WAN:
But what about Amidala?
YODA:
Handle that your apprentice will.
OBI-WAN:
Whoa. Bad idea.
MACE WINDU:
Why?
OBI-WAN:
He keeps making these weird death threat phone calls to me but he doesn�t think I know it�s him. Creepy, really.
INT. AMIDALA�S PAD
AMIDALA:
Jar Jar, I�ve got to go run away screaming like a little girl, so take over for me. Look busy.
JAR JAR, mouth taped shut:
Mph.
ANAKIN:
Don�t get me wrong, Obi-Wan�s great, but I hate him, he�s such an asshole, and his stupid beard, and his wise sayings that make no sense whatsoever, I think they�re Zen cloans or something. He�s like a father to me, but I want to slaughter him like an animal and jump up and down on his bones and skin him and gut him and yell rude things at him in public and OOOOOOO he makes me mad. He�s holding me back! Anyway I�m six times more powerful than him but he won�t admit it. He�s jealous! He�s holding me back!
AMIDALA:
Um, are you okay? Because I was over here talking to Jar Jar and we heard you going on about something. I didn�t catch what.
ANAKIN:
Oh, nothing.
AMIDALA:
Please don�t look at me like that.
ANAKIN, crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue:
Like what? Like this? Why?
AMIDALA:
It makes me uncomfortable.
ANAKIN:
Does this bother you? I�m not touching you, I�m not touching you!
INT. JEDI LIBRARY, with rows and rows of neon lights on shelves.
OBI-WAN:
Well, I guess if I�d wanted some neon lights I�ve come to the right place.
OLD LIBRARIAN JEDIETTE:
Ssssssssssh.
OBI-WAN:
Ah, hell with it. I�ll ask Yoda.
YODA, doing lightsaber drills with a pack of kindergartners:
Good, younglings. Whoa, watch where you point that you must! Get a new cat we will. Billy, pulling hair of Susie stop you must. Dougie, spit out that gum you will.
OBI-WAN:
I can�t find Camino on the map. But there�s little gravity things all over.
YODA:
Maybe these lisping infants give us the answers can. Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
BABY JEDI:
Mathter? Might it be right in the middle of the gravity things?
OBI-WAN smacks his forehead.
Duh. Damn that dark side clouding everything.
YODA:
Off you go. Find your planet.
EXT. CAMINO, the Rain Planet. Obi-Wan lands on a little landing pad in the middle of a giant storm-lashed ocean.
OBI-WAN:
Good thing this is a small planet, I might have had trouble finding this place since I didn�t actually know what I was looking for. [Goes inside, where he is met by a pale stick person in a very clean dry white hallway.] Hi, is this the planet headquarters?
CAMINOAN:
Why yes, we�ve been sitting here for years just waiting for you. Right this way.
OBI-WAN:
So, you make clones here, huh?
CAMINOAN:
And darts.
OBI-WAN:
Darts, yeah. Why darts?
CAMINOAN:
You�ve obviously never been to a clone party.
INT. PRIME MINISTER�S PRISTINE WHITE ROOM
PRIME MINISTER:
Greetings, Jedi Master. Please sit in this pristine white clean seed.
OBI-WAN:
Don�t mind if I do. Mind if I smoke?
PRIME MINISTER:
Mmmmmm. You are paying us a lot for these millions of clones.
OBI-WAN [hawking up a gob and spitting on the floor]:
Actually I�m investigating a murder, but we can talk clones if you like. Millions of �em, eh?
PRIME MINISTER, looking pained:
Would you care to inspect them? They�re very impressive and tidy.
OBI-WAN [stubbing out his cigarette on the seed seat]:
Who ordered the clones anyway? I mean, I already know, I�m just testing you.
PRIME MINISTER:
Sifo-Diaz.
OBI-WAN:
Gesundheit.
PRIME MINISTER [looking confused]:
Thank you.
OBI-WAN:
Oh wait, I remember him. He�s been dead for over ten years.
PRIME MINISTER:
Dead? Oh dear, how messy. Oh well, as long as he pays the bill we won�t check for a pulse.
OBI-WAN:
Right. Send in the clones.
CAMINOAN:
Very good, sir. Right this way.
INT. PRISTINE WHITE HALLWAY.
OBI-WAN:
Wow, look at all those Matrix babies! I must admit this is very impressive.
CAMINOAN:
No no, this is just the video game we�re developing. The clones are through this door.
OBI-WAN:
Oh. Well, they�re still impressive in their little clone school helmets and stuff.
CAMINOAN:
Oh my yes, they�re much better than that army of tongueless Jar Jars that someone ordered last week. They�re based on a bounty hunter named Jango Fett. We keep him here in a little box. They�re just like him, only we spliced in some basset hound genes to make them more docile and drooly.
CLONES:
Awwoooooooooo.
OBI-WAN:
Yeah? I�d really like to meet this Jango Fett.
CAMINOAN:
Okay. Right this way.
INT. JANGO FETT�S PRISTINE CLEAN WHITE BOX
OBI-WAN:
Well hello there, little guy. I thought you�d be older.
BOBA FETT:
Dad, some druid here to see you.
JANGO FETT:
We don�t serve druids-- oh, it�s a Jedi. Always good to meet a Jedi.
OBI-WAN:
Do you know anything about this dart?
JANGO FETT:
*Coughs*Boba, close the armor closet.*Coughs* There are lots of darts here on Camino. They make them here. Along with clones of me.
OBI-WAN:
So, do you get out much? Like, maybe to Coruscant--you know, to murder people?
JANGO FETT:
Nope, just stay here in m�box.
OBI-WAN:
That must make the bounty hunting extra difficult.
JANGO FETT:
I�m just a regular joe trying to make my way in this crazy world. Trying to raise my little clone right, ya know.
OBI-WAN:
Right. Sorry to have bothered you. Damn, I guess this trip was a wash, although it�s good to know about all those clones. I wonder if that joker Sifa-Diaz has been making prank clone calls from beyond the grave again.
[Obi-Wan and the Caminoan leave.]
JANGO FETT:
Get the stuff together, Boba, we�re clearing out of the box.
EXT. NABOO ISLAND PARADISE.
ANAKIN:
I don�t like sand. It gets all over the place and it�s coarse and rough. I also don�t like zombies, and Ty-D-Bol, and beef. Not like here. Here everything is smooth and soft and heaving and�engorged with desire�.
AMIDALA:
Um, are you okay?
ANAKIN:
Ahem. Um, just thinking about cold things, like snow, and Klondike bars. They�re good. Nothing like sand. So�let�s talk politics. That should get my mind off my dic--dic--er, dictatorship, what do you think about dictators? I think Stalin was keen.
AMIDALA:
I believe that politicians should serve the people and we should all get along like one great big happy family.
ANAKIN:
Bah. I think a dictatorship would be groovy. What we really need is an emperor, with a masked heavy breathing minion doing his will and enforcing his every dictate. Then those Sith guys would work for us because we�re evil. End of problem.
EXT. CAMINO LANDING PAD. Still raining.
OBI-WAN:
Hey, he�s that armor guy! Time to throw down!
JANGO FETT:
Damn. I should have never left my box.
[Cool fight ensues, during which Obi-Wan manages to slap a spider tracer on Jango�s ship]
JANGO FETT:
He�s following us. Deploy one of those hard rock chord bombs we bought from the KISS Army.
HARD ROCK CHORD BOMB:
For those about to rock, WE SALUTE YOU! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamp!
BOBA:
Eat hair metal, druid loser!
OBI-WAN:
Damn, this is why I hate flying--these stupid little bags of peanuts.
JANGO:
Now we just gotta finish him off. Fly, my missiles, fly!
BOBA:
Dad, you did remember to set �don�t chase trash� on that missile, right?
JANGO:
Er, no, but he�ll never think of that. We won�t be seeing him again.
INT. NABOO LOVE NEST
AMIDALA:
Annie are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
ANAKIN:
I can�t breathe. I think I may be allergic to forbidden love.
AMIDALA:
�
ANAKIN:
Are you suffering as much as I am? Tell me. I�m haunted by the kiss you never actually gave me. My heart is beating, thumpety thump thump, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. Your eyes are barbs in my very soul, piercing me to the bone, nailing me to the cross of my love. Say something, anything�. Deliver me from my torment!
AMIDALA:
That�s nice, did you write it yourself?
ANAKIN:
Kiss me, you fool!
AMIDALA:
No�no, I think I�m going to become a nun.
ANAKIN:
Then why are you showing more skin in every scene with me? Look at you, you�ve got some sort of leather bondage thing going right now. Or are you going to be one of those kinds of nuns? Come on, gimme some sugar.
AMIDALA:
Hey, no means no, buddy. Or are you going to use your Jedi mind tricks on me?
ANAKIN:
Nah, they only work on the weak-minded and I�m frankly not sure you have a mind at all.
EXT. GEONOSIS, which has lots of GEOlogy and NOSES. No, not noses. It has lots and lots of stalagmites all over, which means this planet used to be very wet and made of limestone--but that�s all over now. Now it�s a dry red planet like Mars.
OBI-WAN:
I must fight my way through this harsh climate and bleak forbidding landscape to get to the bottom of this! Ah, this looks like the secret passage to the evil meeting room!
SARUMAN, in the evil meeting room with his inner circle of Bat-villains:
�and then we destroy the environment! Blah! Blah! Two-Face, I believe you�ve invented a weapon of infinite destruction?
TWO-FACE:
Yeah, I call it the Great Big Round Weapon of Infinite Destruction!
THE PENGUIN:
The umbrella-maker�s union is behind you, Saruman! Auk!
THE JOKER:
Say, that reminds me of a joke. A droid walks into a bar. The bartender says, �We don�t serve droids here.� The droid says, �I�m not a droid, I�m a frayed knot.� HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW.
OBI-WAN:
My God! It�s even worse than I imagined! I�ve got to warn the others! [Whips out his CB radio and calls home]
SARUMAN:
What�s that noise up in the air ducts? It sounds like someone�s radioing our plans to the Jedi Council. Aha! A Jedi! Not so fast, do-gooder! Seize him!
EXT. NABOO PALACE TERRACE, dawn. Anakin looks sleepy and haggard.
AMIDALA:
You had a bad dream last night, didn�t you? I heard you moaning and gasping.
ANAKIN:
Um, Jedi don�t have bad dreams. That must have been the washing machine.
AMIDALA:
I�d better leave.
ANAKIN:
No, your presence is soothing, really. Klondike bars. Klondike bars.
AMIDALA:
Are you sure you didn�t have a bad dream about your mother being captured and tortured by sandpeople? On Tatooine?
ANAKIN:
Oh yeah, that. That was just my Jedi vision thing. Oh, but that reminds me, I need to go rescue my mother. You can come too if you want.
INT. ARENA where Obi-Wan is strung up in manacles with graphic particle effects.
SARUMAN:
As you can see, my CGI workstations are far more advanced than yours. You could just tell me where the One Ring is.
OBI-WAN:
I�ll never join you! You�re not my father!
SARUMAN:
I should hope not. Very well, you have chosen the way of PAIN! [To his orcs] Chain him to the arena post and wait for his apprentice and his bit of hot stuff to arrive. I have felt it in the Dark Side.
EXT. TATOOINE MARKET, with extra flies.
WATTO:
Ani? Itsa me, Watto! You sure grew uppa fast, you get a new actor or something? Hey, you�re a Jedi! Float some rocks around, I love dat.
ANAKIN:
I�m looking for my mommy.
WATTO:
Who? Oh yeah, I traded her for pogs. I�ve still got �em, somewhere. Say, maybe you coulda help me wid some deadbeats who owe me--
ANAKIN:
You traded my mother for POGS?
WATTO:
Yeah, they�re verra nice. Anyway the guy I traded her to married her, hah, go figure. They�ve gotta nice igloo just outsidea town, I�ll give you the address.
EXT. MOISTURE FARM
OWEN LARS:
Uh, hi, I�m your Uncle--er, I mean stepbrother Owen. Howdy. This here�s my decorative girlfriend Beru.
BERU gives a little wave.
ANAKIN:
So where�s my mommy? I came all this way to find my mommy and I�m not leaving until I find her. Are you torturing her in sandpeople suits?
KLIEG LARS:
We only did that once, but it was all in fun. Now that you mention it, I haven�t seen her in a while. I�ve been kind of preoccupied by the fact that my leg was cut off. Lost it in the clone war. Oh wait, I guess not.
ANAKIN:
Whatever. Guess I�ll go ask the Jawas.
Anakin goes and asks the Jawas, then goes and rescues his mom--but it�s too late, too late! So he kills everyone.
[Back at the moisture farm.]
ANAKIN:
I slaughtered them like animals. And not just the men--the women, and the children. [Imperial Death March music begins to play] And then I went and killed the Jawas, and the townspeople, and Jabba�s family, and that wanker Sebulba who was always sabotaging my pod, and a lot of banthas, and I finished up with some little furry thing--I think it was an Ewok. I can�t believe I killed them all. Man, that was hard work. I�ve got to come up with some way to automate this. Maybe a great big round superweapon.
AMIDALA:
That�s nice. You want some wookie cookies? Me and Beru made some.
ANAKIN:
Yeah, okay.
AMIDALA:
Oh, by the way, you got a message from Obi-Wan. I wrote it down. Obi-Wan says he�s going to die horribly all alone but you�re to stay put, okay?
ANAKIN:
Well, orders are orders. What�s for supper?
AMIDALA:
Awww. We never do anything together anymore. Let�s go, it�ll be fun.
ANAKIN:
Oh, okay. I guess he is my Jedi master and like a father to me and everything. Twist my arm.
EXT. GEONOSIS. Anakin and Amidala approach in their ship.
AMIDALA:
Perhaps I can use my pull as a senator to impress the janitors in the steam vents. Land there.
ANAKIN:
Are you sure those are steam vents? Maybe they�re volcanoes. This place is packed with geology, you know.
AMIDALA:
Trust me, evil overlords always have steam vents and ventilation shafts and air ducts and stuff. They always lead right to the evil headquarters or the central reactor that makes everything blow up.
ANAKIN:
Yeah? Is there a manual you can get about evil overlording? Just, you know, for entertainment purposes only.
They land in the steam vent, which has a convenient landing pad and walkway.
ANAKIN:
Good thing there�s no boiler at the bottom of this steam vent. I wonder where the steam�s coming from. Ooh, mosquito people.
AMIDALA:
I�ll negotiate. Noble mosquito people, we come in peace--ow, ouch, he stung me, ow! Stupid mosquito people.
ANAKIN:
Oh well. [Kills them all]
They open a door onto�
AMIDALA:
It�s a video game! Oh no! I�m terrible at video games!
ANAKIN:
Okay, you go for the power pills and I�ll shoot all the asteroids. Just follow this pattern and the ghosts�ll never come near you.
EXT. ARENA. Anakin and Amidala are handcuffed in a cart waiting to be hauled into the arena to their DOOM.
AMIDALA:
Some pattern, Pinball Wizard.
ANAKIN:
Well, it always gets me up to the ninth key.
AMIDALA:
The orange ghost got me. The orange ghost never gets anybody. And you totally didn�t warn me about all the barrels you have to jump over.
ANAKIN:
It�s all Obi-Wan�s fault! He�s holding me back! I hope he dies and dies and dies and dies and dies!
AMIDALA:
Well, why don�t you just use your EXTREME Jedi powers to get us out of this, huh? I thought you were more powerful than Yoda and all that shit.
ANAKIN:
I�m pacing myself.
They are dragged into the arena and chained to big posts right next to Obi-Wan.
SARUMAN:
Let the games begin! Event one is�the pole vault!
OBI-WAN:
This is going to be harder than I thought.
TWO-FACE whispers to Saruman.
SARUMAN:
Ah. Event one is�beast attack! Send in the generic monsters!
GENERIC MONSTERS:
Growl. Rarrrr. Bellow. Snort. Angry noise.
THE PENGUIN:
It would be so much simpler to just hire a firing squad. Why do we have to go through this every time?
THE JOKER:
It�s more fun like this. And that reminds me of a joke--
SARUMAN whacks The Joker�s head off with his lightsaber.
AMIDALA [picking the lock to her handcuffs with her teeth]:
Honestly, you Jedi. You�re so helpless. These chains can�t be more than a quarter inch thick.
ANAKIN:
We�ll just have the beasts bite through them for us. It�s more manly that way. You go on and do your girly thing.
Manly fight with beasts ensues. No one gets hurt except Amidala gets a revealing scratch.
TWO-FACE:
Look, this isn�t working. I told you, the good guys always win these things. Bring on the droid army--surely a billion droids can defeat two Jedi and one scratched up chick.
The Droid Army advances into the arena. Things look bad for our heroes until--
MACE WINDU:
This party�s OVER, muthafuckas.
Suddenly, Jedi are everywhere! They fight, they bite, they lightsaber with all their might!
C3PO:
Oh, wait, I�m supposed to be in this scene! Hey, where�s my head? This is such a drag! I�m beside myself! Die Jedi dogs! Oh dear, what am I saying? I�m a protocol droid! R2, where are yoooooou?
R2D2:
Beep beep. Oh god, I�m stuck with this loser for four more movies.
LISPING INFANT [holding up the head of a battle droid]:
I got one, mathter!
Mace Windu cuts off Jango Fett�s head.
SARUMAN:
Great, now who are we--er, they, our sworn enemies--going to clone from now?
Manly fight with droids, Jedi, and leftover generic beasts ensues. No one gets hurt except a few nameless Jedi, who die.
Suddenly, there are millions and millions and millions of droids! Too many to count! Zillions, even! Things look bad for our heroes until--
YODA:
Yeeeeeehaw! Get �em, clones! Who let da clones out, woof woof woof woof!
Manly fight with clones, droids, Jedi, and the last remaining generic beast ensues. No one gets hurt except a lot of droids, and who cares about droids?
CLONES:
Awwooooooo!
SARUMAN:
Uh oh. [Jumps on his Nimbus 2000 and flies away cackling]
OBI-WAN:
After them! [They fly off in hot pursuit] What�s Amidala doing here? This is a job for manly Jedi.
AMIDALA:
Girl power! Got an extra lightsaber?
OBI-WAN:
Oh well, try to stay out of trouble.
Amidala falls out of the ship.
ANAKIN:
Stop the ship, I need to save her! Or at least bind her wounds! Or set her broken bones! Or something! Look, she fell on a vicious sand dune and I HATE sand! It�s coarse and rough and itchy and gets everywhere! And it�s full of cat shit and wheels off matchbox cars and old gum wrappers and dirt! And it always votes Republican and drinks all my beer! And--
OBI-WAN [slaps him]:
Snap out of it! You�re a Jedi, man! Besides, I need you for the big fight scene.
ANAKIN:
Saruman�s gonna swat me like a fly. I don�t wanna go.
OBI-WAN:
Amidala would go if she were you. Beaten by a girrrrul, beaten by a girrrrrrrrul!
INT. SARUMAN�S HANGAR
OBI-WAN:
Okay, you take his right flank and I�ll feint to the left and we�ll wear him down with arms-length maneuvers--
ANAKIN:
Lemme at him! Lemme at him! Puppeeeeeee powwwwwwer!
Saruman swats him like a fly.
OBI-WAN:
Okay�we�ll try plan B.
Saruman swats him like a fly.
SARUMAN [raising his lightsaber to deal the slow languorous final death blow which for some reason never seems to quite happen whether you�re an evil Jedi or a monstrous poisonous maggot]:
Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Anakin springs up from his swoon and stops Saruman.
ANAKIN:
Not so fast, naughtyspawn! Eat hot justice!
SARUMAN:
Oh, I see the fly wants another swatting. Have at thee!
Obi-Wan attempts to pull his lightsaber to him. Anakin does too.
ANAKIN:
No, I want two lightsabers! Gimme!
The lightsaber quivers in midair, then snaps clean in two.
OBI-WAN:
Well, I hope you�re happy, Mr. Grabby.
Saruman swats Anakin like a fly. Again.
SARUMAN:
I cut your arm off, I cut your arrrrrm off!

YODA:
Gone on long enough this silliness has.
Yoda kicks Saruman�s ass. It�s very cool.
YODA:
Yoda your daddy is. Say it!
SARUMAN:
I�ll never join you! Time for the old �save your friends or vanquish your enemy� dilemma. [He topples a gigantic enormous CGI column over onto Anakin and Obi-Wan.
YODA:
Grunt grunt. This is heavy. Oh wait, size doesn�t matter--it�s all in the mind. [He tosses the column aside.]
ANAKIN:
You could have just pulled us out of the way, you know.
YODA:
Owe me for this you do. Now find your hand and out of here let�s get.
OBI-WAN:
But Saruman�s getting away!
YODA:
Well, I�m tired. When 800 years you reach less of an eager beaver you will be. I�m gonna feel this for a week.
ANAKIN:
I can�t find my hand. I left it right here but it�s gone.
OBI-WAN:
Maybe Saruman took it. A big hand for Saruman! Saruman has left the building--with a hand! Oh my god, I�m in such pain. Kill me now.
Amidala runs up.
AMIDALA:
I brought you some antiseptic. And a Klondike bar, since you seem to like them so much.
INT. JEDI COUNCIL ROOM
OBI-WAN:
Oh man, the next movie�s going to be harsh. I hope you have a hiding place picked out.
MACE WINDU:
I�ve got a great place to hide.
OBI-WAN:
I was talking to Yoda.
YODA:
Well, it�s the Attack of the Clones for sure. We should have paid more attention to that Phantom Menace. Next thing we know the Empire�s going to Strike us Back.
MACE WINDU:
So, where�s that kid who used to hang around you all the time?
EXT. NABOO WEDDING TERRACE
PRIEST:
Wuv! Twue wuv!
They kiss. The end.
LUCAS:
Hey, did you notice we didn�t mention midichlorians at all this time? And we put a muzzle on Jar Jar! Love me, fans, love me!
AUDIENCE:
Bah! Too little too late. We�re going to see Spiderman now, nyah nyah nyah.
#
DISCLAIMER (stolen and adapted from an MST3K misting): Star Wars and its characters and situations are copyright 2002 LucasArts. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by LucasArts, its employees, or the originators of the material used for this parody. This parody is free to distribute as long as its contents and this notice remain intact.
NUTE GUNRAY:
Is that legahl?
This parody is not intended as a personal attack on anyone. It is all in fun and please don�t sue us. We're not making any dough from this, trust us. It's all been pain, pain, pain. The authors are Katherine Dazazel and Matthew Jones, with the former being exclusively responsible for any lame lines. Many thanks to various friends and relatives who supplied ideas or lines for this parody..
###I can�t breathe.

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