1. Dogs don't cry, unless they have to pee.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
7. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
8. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
9. Dogs are excited by rough play.
10. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
11. Dogs love red meat.
12. Dogs appreciate excessive body hair.
13. Anybody can get a good looking dog.
14. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
15. Dogs don't shop.
16. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
17. Dogs never need to examine their relationship.
18. A dog's parents never visit.
19. Dogs love long car trips.
20. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
21. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs are made to be hunted.
22. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
23. Dogs aren't catty.
24. Dogs seldom outlive you.
25. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
26. Dogs can't talk.
27. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
28. Dogs never expect gifts.
29. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
30. Dogs don't worry about germs.
31. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
32. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
33. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
34. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
35. Dogs like beer.
36. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
37. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
38. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
39. Dogs never criticize.
40. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
41. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
42. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put far too much value on kissing.

The strange thing is it's a girl who e-mails these things to me. I have some weird colleagues.

I PROTEST.

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"...when all that is driving my heart forward
is you, thoughts of you, hopes for you,
and a fading dream with a Mona Lisa smile
that whispers "are you thinking of me too?"

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Fool of a Took, throw yourself in next time!!
Gandalf

And now to change the subject.

Dogs can so eat 5 pounds of chocolate (to the detriment of their health). I was an eyewitness to just such an event.

When my nephew turned eight, my mom baked him a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and set it on the kitchen table where the dog (our dachshund, Schatzi) couldn't reach it. Schatzi was a miniature dachshund, black with brown points. At one time, this dog (about 12-13 years of age at the time) had weighed as much as 16 lbs., but following the advice of her veterinarian we had placed her on a diet that had pared her down to a fighting trim of 12 lbs.

Schatzi could theoretically get onto the kitchen table, but only if the chairs were pulled out, since she couldn't make the jump in one step. We pushed the chairs under the table and left for dinner at Burger King. After dinner, we went for a drive in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains, then returned home.

When dad opened the door to the house, we expected our dog to greet us in the usual "I-thought-you'd-gone-away-forever-hooray-you're-back!" manner. This always included racing around the living room 2 or 3 times at top speed, then reversing and doing the same thing in the other direction, followed by yelping and jumping up and down at our feet.

This did not occur.

Instead, we were greeted by the dog lying in her bed in the far corner of the living room picking up her head, perking up her ears and wagging her tail desultorily, as if to say "Oh. I see you're back."

Something was wrong.

We went into the kitchen and found the chairs all in their places and the cake sitting in the center of the table as it ought to have been.

Well, almost. About half the cake was missing. We then turned on the lights in the living room and looked more carefully at Schatzi. She appeared to have swallowed a football. Whole.

Mom carried the dog into the bathroom and weighed her. Our formerly streamlined 12-pound dachshund now weighed 22 blimp-like pounds. Mom immediately called the veterinarian to ask what we should do.

When he stopped laughing, he told her we should try to give her a little mineral oil and be absolutely certain we let her out to "do her business" at the first sign she was interested. Basically, all we could do was try to keep her comfortable, and try to avoid stepping in "pupcakes" if she didn't make the back yard in time.

I don't know if it was the cake, but Schatzi began having occasional convulsions after that event. Her health had been deteriorating anyway, due to her age, and she eventually passed away in August. I don't know if the cake hastened the process or if she knew she was going to go anyway and just once wanted to try some of that cake to see if it tasted as good as it smelled.

--Baloo

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Oreos: <I>Ori-oz</I> (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translates as "my light is the source of strength."
--Lori's Mishmash Jewish Humor http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/h--jewis.html
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/

Whenever a joke that's demeaning to men is aired in these forums, I don't take it as a personal attack. I view it for what it is -- a JOKE! If I can laugh at "Men are like..." jokes, especially given the events in recent months, you can certainly remember that no-one here is trying to get your goat (and if they are, the moderators each have boards with nails in 'em). If someone did get your goat, it's probably because you stuck it out where it would get run over. There are very few people at these forums who would deliberately insult anyone here.

We are all adults here (or close enough that whoever isn't ought to be taking notes). We are all aware that there are persons of different gender, age, culture, nationality, political affiliation and sexual orientation. We are all aware that we don't always communicate with the grace and eloquence of a trained professional. We are all aware that what we gain by getting to know one another, listening to one another's jokes and anecdotes, etc., is more valuable than getting them to shut up when they say something we didn't like. No-one here is posting "humor" in an attempt to hurt other people. People whose motives are mean spirited are eventually found out and dealt with.

Good enough? Now stop being so touchy in the Officer's lounge and start a thread about how (and why) you were so deeply offended in the flameboard.

--Baloo

------------------
Oreos: Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translates as "my light is the source of strength."
--Lori's Mishmash Jewish Humor
[URL=http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/]www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/

------------------
"...when all that is driving my heart forward
is you, thoughts of you, hopes for you,
and a fading dream with a Mona Lisa smile
that whispers "are you thinking of me too?"

1. You don't get it.

2. I don't take orders from anybody.

3. You don't get it.