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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Shik: [QB] [i]:::sighs:::[/i] Yeah. I am now officially a convicted sex offender. Jenn offered to come with me, & I accepted. I'm glad I did, because she provided severe squirreliness dampening. We actually got in early for a change, walked up to the courthouse, went inside... And I saw her there. With her mother. And I hid. I hid because I knew I shouldn't confront them. But I wanted to go up to her, hug her so hard, & never let go. She looked...so good. Smiling, laughing...And [b]IT HURT SO MUCH[/b] to not be able to let her see me or to talk to her. We went up to the courtroom. I saw the trooper who handled the investigation there, checked in with the prosecutor. He asked me where my lawyer was & I told him I still didn't have one. "So you're representing yourself." "I don't have a choice," I told him. "Oh, you have a choice," he shot back. He was LOUD. Jenn was in the back of the courtroom & she heard him word-for-word. "I'm THROUGH with you. You've been told by 2 judges to get an attorney, had 3 postponements [i][Not true; there was only one. --Ed.][/i]...everyone ELSE in this room has an attorney but you. They made the choice, just as YOU made the choice. It should have been the FIRST THING on your mind. Did you eat? [i][Barely.. --Ed.][/i] Did you have a place to live? [i][Yes, but not for much longer; & had I not, my bail would have been revoked for homelessness. --Ed.][/i]" I just stood there. I asked if there was a possibility of discussing a plea: "There are no plea bargains with me. If you had an attorney, I would have told him the same thing. Why would you think there would be a plea?" I stared at him for a moment & then calmly & softly said, "I'm not the person you think I am or that you all want me to be." Again with the sharpness. "Oh, yes, you most certainly ARE. Your are a CRIMINAL. I think so, & Trooper Casey thinks so, & the victim's parents think so. Or else we would not be here. So you have a choice. You can plead guilty & have the judge sentence you here today or you can go to trial." "I guess I'm going to trial then." "Fine. I'll calculate the maximum sentence for you here.." I told him I already knew it, that it was about 200 years & several hundred thousand dollars in fines. Then I walked away. We waited. And waited. He left after I saw him run up to the doors to stop Lindsey & her mother from coming in. About 15 minutes after that, he poked in & motioned for me to follow him outside. Out in the hall, he offered me a choice. I could have a court trial (trial by judge), a jury trial, OR.... I could plead guility to child pornography & sexual offense 3 (counts 1 & 2), probation guideline for about 2 years (the judge can raise or lower that), pre-sentencing investigation (a background check into my entire life so they can get info on what would be a good sentence for me), registration as a sex offender (which I always knew I'd have to do & was OK with), an examination with the court psychiatrist....& "no contact with the victim." It was the last part that hurt most. I didn't ask if it was until she turned 18 or if it was forever for fear of losing the upper hand. For he'd basically given me exactly what I'd wanted. MORE than that, to be exact. Still, I asked for 5 minutes to consider it. He granted me that, & I talked with Jenn. She felt it was a good deal, & I concurred. I accepted & awaited the status of plea change in the courtroom. When I got up, everyone in the room shut up & looked at the "child pornogrpahy" charge. The prosecutor made it sound like I took pictures of her to scan & distribute to the world. He also told the judge that he would be seeking jail time. As he announced the situation, he mispronounced Lindsey's middle name & I had to do everything in my power not to speak up & correct him; that alone told me he'd not spent much if any time with her. The plea was accepted & I went first to the court psychiatrist's office to set up the appointment & then to the Division of Parole & Probation to give them the information for the investigation. Between these 2 things, I'm fairly confident I can avoid jail time now. The disposition of sentencing hearing is now set for 13 August...a week before my birthday. And through it all...a huge part of me would give anything, would go to jail forever, if I could just have her back...could just be with her again one more, one last time. I wanted to run up & grab her & hold her & hug her so tight...kiss her so hard, drink in her smell & touch her skin...& smile as I gazed into her eyes again. But I can't. Ever again. And that hurts more than they or anyone else could possibly imagine. Except for her. Yeah. [/QB][/QUOTE]
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