Flare Sci-Fi Forums: On my rise to power...

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Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

I present thee my rules I shall abide to on my way to conquering the world.

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. As an extra security measure, there will be motion and heat detectors every 12 inches.

3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Any form of death will not be too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my pocket.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. I'll just kill them.

7. When a rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one battle, and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will be "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Before you pull the trigger, can you tell me your secret plan?", I'll laser his ass, and then say "No".

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be immediately married in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism in my mother ship.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the cute and cuddly infant who is destined to overthrow me. I'll vaporize the kid myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies within the walls of my secret inner sanctum. Any small space station well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will have no need to prove my superiority by dropping clues in the form of riddles, leaving weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat, or having the shackled-and-gagged rebel leader dragged behind me to witness the destruction of his home world.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm not accountable to anyone, and my enemies wouldn't believe it, anyway.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy", and simply choose not show any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plans that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be vaporized, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. Rebel leaders will not be entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If, however, such a device is unavoidable, I will set it to blow when the counter reaches 180.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will insure he is sufficiently twisted as to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's done.

22. I will never utter the sentence: "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want you to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

24. I will periodically wipe out all members of my inner circle.

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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have

Posted by Siegfried (Member # 29) on :

Ah, the 100 Things I Would Do If I Were an Evil Overlord, eh Jeff? I like that list, too.

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"Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Yeah! Some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice. Whoo hoo! 'Cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love!" - Steve Miller Band's The Joker

Posted by Trinculo on :

Jeff: The most important rule in conquering a people is to realize that the most important resource is people. You may be harsh to a certain group, but if you make people feel that they can have a say in government and can be assumed positions in government, you will have a long lasting regime-a regime for your children. The NAZIS didn't value the importance of human resources and were defeated 12 years after taking power. The Persians and the Romans valued human resources and lasted for centuries.

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

Wow, didn't expect anyone to take this seriously

Posted by Bernd (Member # 6) on :

Jeff Ravenheart the Merciless, but reconsidering your ideas it seems to me rather like the Paranoid.

I wouldn't like such a movie villain. There has to be something peculiar, some weakness, something unexpected, not just evil about them.

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I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer. (McCoy in "Devil in the Dark")
www.uni-siegen.de/~ihe/bs/startrek/

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

I'm taking it very seriously. As a matter of fact I'm already deploying my legions of curry.

We shall see who will rule.

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I drink therefore I am.

-Descartes

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Cranberry Juice of the world, unite! We must continue the battle against the evil Curries and, uhm... Legions of Terror.

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"Audaces fortuna juvat."
"Fortune favours the bold."

Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :

First of Two is the Borg. Resistance is futile.

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Down for Upgrade

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

I'm sorry. MY infiltrators have already siezed control of the world, ten years ago. You just weren't told about it.
This IS all part of my diabolical plan. All of it. Pollution, general apathy, Yugoslavia, rap music, Marilyn Manson, Microsoft, the New World Order, Star Trek: Voyager, everything. Except Colorado.

BWA-HA-HAAAAAA!

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*I only SEEM Normal*

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

What ever happened to Second of Two, eh?

But you will not last. I'm the cause of the Asian market crash, the declining Canadian dollar, The Ozone hole, Greenhouse effect, The Christian uprising, India's new-found nuclear success, Bill Clinton(my best warrior yet), Star Trek 5, Howard Stern, Beavis and Butthead, The Curry shortage(oops, not until next week), AND Y2K.

We will see who will rule...

*evil maniacal cackle*

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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have

Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :

<Mr. Burns>Excellent! It's all going according to plan!

Yes, my puppets! Congratulate your selves as you execute my...

What's this? Drat! I left the keyboard on again!

Smithers! Come fix this...</Mr. Burns>

***End Transmission***

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

Well, you forgot about me. As they say, your terror will soon consume you.....

*blows Jeff Raven away with a Bilitrium device*

Mwahahahahaha.......... I declare his reign of terror over.

Tahna Los
Member of the Kohm-Ma extremist group.

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

[This message was edited by Tahna Los on April 22, 1999.]

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

*reassembles*

*casts a spell on Tahna Los that he forever exemplify the Canadian stereotype, that which has been portrayed in "Strange Brew"*

"Luke I'm yer father, eh? Come over to the darkside, you hoser."

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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have

Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :

Take off, eh!

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Down for Upgrade

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

You forgot Jeff, I'm supposed to be an assasin, fast, quick, and slippery. And I hate to break this to you, but, you missed.

Nelson Muntz Speak: HA HA!!!

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

That's ok, Canada is next. We'll finish the job we started we started back in 1812...

First on the order of Conquering...Your beer industry! BWAHAHAHAHAH!

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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Wasn't that war a failure?

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"Audaces fortuna juvat."
"Fortune favours the bold."

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

Nah, we were just biding our time...

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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have

[This message was edited by Jeff Raven on April 22, 1999.]

Posted by Krenim (Member # 22) on :

Here's another rule:

If you happen to lose once, never ever say that you'll win the next time. Such an act assures another defeat.

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Garak: Interesting. You saved the day by destroying the world.
Bashir: I bet they didn't teach you that in the Obsidian Order.

-Deep Space Nine, "Our Man Bashir."

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Oh, and if you ever go to a war, make sure it is with a fairly evenlyy matched country, and just fight dirty. If you go against a group that you completly outmatch, you'll loose. Big time.

Oh, and if you ever build a fortress capable of destroying a planet, and it's attacked by a small group of, say, 30 little ships, don't stand their winging about how you never expected that, and don't send out 12 lttle ships to destroy them. Send the 3000 of the little f*chers that you've git stashed away on that thing, and blow the good buys to ickle bits.

Oh, and if you ever do design a superweaponn, amke sure it hasn't got a weakness that 'no-one will ever find, and if they do will find it nearly impossiible to exploit'

And if a secret agent comes up to you and TELLS YOU HIS REAL NAME...kill him.

And kill David Hasselhoff, and steal his car.

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'Those are the headlines. Happy now?'
-Chris Morris.

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Oh, and remember. These are the droids you're looking for.

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'Those are the headlines. Happy now?'
-Chris Morris.

Posted by Jaresh Inyo on :

I have no overwhelming desire to rule the world. Just to cause a nuclear war that destroys it. Is that too much to ask?

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Josh: I think they're getting to know each other a bit too well, if you catch my drift.
Me: Oh, I agree. I think they're spending too much time together, that is of course, if you catch my drift.
Asher: I think he's *ucking her, and he's cheating on his wife, and he's risking his marriage, and if his wife finds out about it she'll leave him and take their son, and his life will be ruined. If you catch my drift...

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

Not if you're a yank..*L*

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'Sir, you've been ordered not to take Polermo'

'Ring General HQ, ask them if they want me to give it back'.