The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes, it is the
1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully
aware of the Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually (and
posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human
gene pool by removing themselves from it.DARWIN AWARD *RUNNERS-UP*: #1 - LOS ANGELES. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker, which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. For those of you from Rio Linda, a revolver has a cylinder with 5 to 9 holes for cartridges. You load ONE, and spin the cylinder, hence the "roulette" reference. With a semi auto, every trigger pull is "a winner."
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding, "He was really drunk."
#4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting in to the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
- The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
- The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
- To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
- An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety iolation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in Microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
How sad... He didn't get to finish his beer.
The dolt!
Yeah, I know the above stories are "urban folklore" and actually the product of (for consumption by) SICK MINDS.
So sue me. I laughed.
------------------
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Benjamin Franklin
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
------------------
Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")
I've read three different versions of the "Barrel on a rope" accident story, each with its own particular details.
#5 in the above list I've seen before elsewhere.
Most of these are genuine, I'm sure, but I suspect there may be a few deliberate frauds or urbans legends accidentally included.
And please God, let me not go out like these losers.
------------------
Nurse: Can I help you?
Stan: We're here to commit our friend, Kyle.
Nurse: Reason?
Kyle: I'm a clinically depressed fecalpheliac on Prozac.
Nurse: JACKET!!