Heads up to you single guys: there's hardly any egageration here.
Female singles: same deal.
Keeping Clean Lesson one: How to Shower like a Woman
- Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
- Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
- Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
- Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
- Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
- Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in "10".
- Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
- Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
- Use nailbrush to clean toenails.
- Scream loudly when your husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
- Cover your entire body in baby oil.
- Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for husband.
- Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
- Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize!
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
Lesson two: How to Shower Like a Man
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
- Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear because you left on the shower nozzle yesterday.
- Check for pecs again.
- Get in the shower.
- Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.) I sure don't!
- Wash your face (not compulsory).
- Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
- Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
- Wash your groin area (compulsory).
- Wash your behind (not compulsory, but recommended).
- Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat, like a fur ball, cat, beer top, etc.
- Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap. (no need for conditioner).
- Make a shampoo Mohawk. (Cool!)
- Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Sample your wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash. Ummm... Good!
- Pee. (In the shower.)
- Blow your right nostril.
- Blow your left nostril.
- Rinse off and get out of the shower. Drip water all over the bathroom (it's like marking territory, but less smelly. You did use soap, didn't you?)
- Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.
Any questions?
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Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
-- MARK TWAIN
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
[This message has been edited by Baloo (edited July 29, 1999).]
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I'll get you for this Gadget!!!! MEEEEE-ROWWRRRR.
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Josh: I think they're getting to know each other a bit too well, if you catch my drift.
Me: Oh, I agree. I think they're spending too much time together, that is of course, if you catch my drift.
Asher: I think he's *ucking her, and he's cheating on his wife, and he's risking his marriage, and if his wife finds out about it she'll leave him and take their son, and his life will be ruined. If you catch my drift...
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It's all about the Pentiums, Baby!
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I'll get you for this Gadget!!!! MEEEEE-ROWWRRRR.
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"Essentially, a great rock in space."
-Spock, describing the Regula planetoid, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Well I'll be dipped! I stopped 20 feet shorter from 60 mph!
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That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
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"It is important to get up when you fall...for this much I know to be true: That thing we call Failure is not in the falling down, but the staying down."