Flare Sci-Fi Forums: Funny- "How to explain God?"

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Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

Shouldn't offend anyone. (I think)

How to Explain God was written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment.

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of thing on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because
they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times
besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it
off. "God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't thinkthere are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. "Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on
water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they
crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important. "You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. "You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if
there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're
scared in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. "But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do
for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."

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With 17 hours of class, guess what I'm doing.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Help! Propaganda! My eyes, my eyes! *melts*

Besides, didn't somebody already post this?

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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the 'net, and he won't bother you for weeks.

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Tut tut, TSN.

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"I wish that everything went just as I wish everything would go."
--
John Linnell

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

What, like the pharaoh? :-)

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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the 'net, and he won't bother you for weeks.

Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :

True, it shouldn't offend anyone, but previous religion threads have all become violent feeding frenzies. I can see this one becoming more of the same.

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The line must be drawn here, this far, no further. Picard, First Contact

The line has to be drawn here, this far and no further. Quark, Dogs of War

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

And people wonder why I'm opposed to religion...

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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the 'net, and he won't bother you for weeks.

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

In MY case, no one needs to wonder. I tell everyone why.

No, I don't find the above offensive... any more than I would find a child's writing about the Tooth Fairy or the JarJar Binks or Jaws or some other fictional entity offensive.

Fiction isn't offensive, it's just a story.

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Calvin: "No efficiency, no accountability... I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a Universe." -- Bill Watterson

[This message has been edited by First of Two (edited December 16, 1999).]

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

That is, if this was actually written by a child. Which it probably wasn't.

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"Back in the 14th century, stair-stepping to the oldies was not considered manly."
-John Scalzi, on the longbow as the best weapon of the second millennium

Posted by Jubilee (Member # 99) on :

Baloo posted it a few months ago.

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"SHOES!"