The Starfleet Survival Guide
by Captain Stephen Tsui, Commander Memory Alpha
Introduction
As a Starfleet officer, you will find yourself in unusual circumstances that require flexibility and creativity in order to survive. This guide has been
compiled by the commanding officer of the Federation�s library planetoid, Memory Alpha. In it are some useful hints and encouraging words from some of the greatest missions in Starfleet history. Take these lessons to heart and remember, �We�re Starfleet. Weird is part of the job.�
Helpful Hints:
1. The odds of surviving a battle:
Intrepid-class 99.75%
Sovereign-class 98.00%
Galaxy-class 96.00%
Excelsior-class 88.25%
Shuttlepod 02.15%
Miranda-class 00.32%
2. In case of a coolant leak, always abandon ship.
3. The Borg are right. Resistance is futile unless you�re aboard the Enterprise.
4. If hostile fire is penetrating your shields, rotate the frequency modulation or else end up like the Enterprise-D.
5. During Red Alert conditions, never stand behind a Science Station.
6. Security officers always get hurt. Science officers always get possessed. Medical officers always get an alien virus. Engineering officers always
explode in a Jeffries tube. Command dorks always clean up after the mess.
7. If you�re not a Klingon, a Betazoid woman in her fifties will kill you.
8. Safety protocols in the holodeck. They�re there for a reason.
9. Upon discovering a temporal anomaly, keep your distance.
10. If the ship is at Yellow Alert but your navigator pulls out an Atari joystick from an EMERGENCY PHOTON TORPEDO box, the captain�s hiding something.
11. If you�re not aboard an Intrepid-class vessel, we do not recommend ejecting the warp core.
12. For a good time, check out the sexy transporter personnel.
13. Didn�t they teach you about Ferengi at the Academy?
14. If your computer sounds like a man, get the hell off the ship.
15. Sure, transporters are bad, but have you ever heard of a shuttle that didn�t explode?
16. Okay, your phaser might be set on stun, but what about the other guy�s?
17. Don�t use a field tricorder when diagnosing a patient -- it�s bad bedside manner.
18. Don�t use a medical tricorder when looking for a door -- we�ve already tried that.
19. Don�t trade com-badges with anybody. That ticks off the security chief.
20. If you�re not feeling well, chances are a hypo-spray will cure you.
21. If your ship is named Enterprise and a hostile Klingon vessel is in the area, chances are you�re about to lose a flagship.
22. Never fire a phaser at maximum power in a starship. It sets off the fire alarm.
23. Bio-neural circuitry or isolinear chips? Which one catches the flu?
24. If it has a hole in it, James Kirk stole its virginity when your great-great grandfather was wearing diapers.
25. It never hurts to tell an Emergency Medical Hologram to shut up.
26. If your ship has quantum torpedoes, screw the phasers.
27. If you get assigned to a garbage scow, Starfleet doesn�t care about you.
28. If you get assigned to a Miranda-class starship, Starfleet doesn�t want you.
29. If you want command of a fleet, shave your head.
30. If you don�t want a whiplash, get assigned to an Excelsior-class starship with seat restraints.
31. Everyone else has broken the Prime Directive. Why shouldn�t you?
32. If you lose all power to the ship, look for three things:
a) a flashlight
b) a missing warp core
c) a humpback whale
33. Here are the things a captain can safely punch to blow off steam:
a) the first officer�s console
b) the first officer
c) the first Science Station
d) the ship�s counselor
e) the ship�s doctor
f) the communications officer (aboard 80 year old ships only)
g) any shuttle consoles (so long as you�re aboard an Intrepid-class vessel)
h) anything in Ten Forward
i) Commander Shelby
j) Lieutenant Reginald Barclay
k) Neelix
l) any part of an Intrepid-class vessel
m) any ambassador
n) anyone who looks like Reginald Barclay
Starfleet Tactical
After years of research, the following simulation has been approved by Starfleet Command to serve as the proper attack procedure while in command of a fleet.
Time Index 00:01:30
Deploy Miranda vessels to forward wings and position the flagship in a Galaxy wing.
Time Index 00:03:25
Laugh at the mass destruction of Miranda vessels.
Time Index 00:10:40
With all Miranda ships destroyed and enemy torpedo munitions depleted, deploy Federation fighters to forward positions and begin active engagement.
Time Index 00:11:05
Keep two Galaxy wings in reserve for flanking maneuvers. Any Defiant or Sovereign-class starships should be ordered to fly straight into the enemy fleet and whoop ass. Support these ships with Excelsior squadrons.
Time Index 00:13:00
By now, enemy ships should begin penetration of forward lines and begin moving towards your wing. If Excelsiors cannot intercept, deploy Ambassador vessels for perimeter defense.
Time Index 00:14:36
The only wings not engaged should be the commander�s wing, the two flanking wings, and the reserve wing. If the rest of the fleet cannot maintain the battle, deploy the flanking wings to surround and close in on approaching ships.
Time Index 00:16:18
Send in the reserve wing. This should consist of the following starship classes: Nebula, Constellation, New Orleans, Apollo, Oberth, and Danube Runabouts.
Time Index 00:16:47
Laugh at the mass destruction of reserve wing.
Time Index 00:17:52
Directly engage with your flag wing. Deploy two Galaxy ships to escort you at all times. All other vessels are to attack using a swarm formation.
Time Index 00:18:30
If you�re still alive and the enemy fleet has retreated, stand down Red Alert. If the enemy maintains their attack, there is no possible way for you to win with this strategy. Head for the captain�s yacht and kiss your pension goodbye.
Memorable Quotations
Starfleet recognizes that our greatest teacher is history. Therefore, we have studied previous personal and surveillance logs and have compiled some words of
wisdom that might assist you in your mission.
"Up your shaft."--Captain Montgomery Scott
"Coolant leak! I can�t stop it!"--Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge
"Every time you touch these engines, you�re touching a part of me."--Dr. Leah Brahms
"I know I can get more out of these babies."--Captain Montgomery Scott
"Ooooh! Aaaaah! Ungh!"--Captain James T. Kirk to several bipedal humanoids
"I am programmed in multiple techniques."--Lt. Commander Data to Tasha Yar and the Borg Queen, not at the same time
"Spock, be one with the horse."--Captain James T. Kirk
"I am not seeking Jamaharon!"--Captain Jean-Luc Picard
"Sometimes, you just have to punch your way through."--Captain Kathryn Janeway
"I need you . . . badly!"--Admiral James T. Kirk to Dr. Leonard McCoy
"Oh, if I could tell you what I want to do to you right now!"--Dr. Beverly Crusher to Captain Picard
"What I could only describe as a presence entered my body last night."--Counselor Deanna Troi to the entire senior staff
"Again! Again! Again!"--every doctor in the Federation to every deadbeat on a bed
"Ferengi: a greedy race with large balls."--Star Trek: the Next Generation original script to Armin Shimmerman
"I would never take advantage of a sexually immature
species."--Lieutenant Ilia
". . . to boldly go where no one has gone before."--Enterprise dedication plaque to politically correct Trekkers
"No matter where you go, there you are."--Excelsior dedication plaque to anyone who has seen Buckaroo Bonzai
"Vulcans are like salmon. Every seven years, they have a serious problem."--Captain Tsui to the Starfleet Sex Symposium
Conclusion
Well, Cadet, you�re off to what should be a brilliant career in our happy fleet. We hope you go on to maintain the high standards of Starfleet character as
portrayed in such greats as Captain John Harriman and Vice Admiral Alynna Nechayev. Both were the biggest wussies in the fleet, and we loved them. Good luck, Cadet!
Just pray we put you aboard a nice, cozy Galaxy-class ship. If not, hey, there�s always DS9.
------------------
694 consecutive rejections by women since January 1993.
------------------
"Species 5618, human. Warp-capable, origin grid 325, physiology inefficient, below average cranium capacity, minimum redundant systems, limited regenerative abilities."
Ex Astris Scientia
This is very good!
------------------
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around...
(-=\V/=-)