Flare Sci-Fi Forums: I'm like, away and stuff......

This is topic I'm like, away and stuff...... in forum Officers' Lounge at Flare Sci-Fi Forums.

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Posted by D. Lerious on :

What has been the funniest answering maching message or away message you have ever heard or read? and could you please quote it here for all to see?

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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :

"This is Carl. You know what to do." BLEEP

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"To disarm the people [is] the best and most effectual way to enslave them."
- George Mason, American Statesman and Author of the Virginia Declaration of Rights (1776)

Posted by Aethelwer (Member # 36) on :

I know someone who had that same message. Well, except her name wasn't Carl.

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Frank's Home Page
"Canadian bacon is called that because it's made from Canadians. And while I'm on the subject, could you people cut back on the fish and rodents and eat more fruits and berries? It would vastly improve your flavor, in my opinion." - Simon Sizer

Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

"Hello... You're looking for who?!... One minute... We're not home right now, so please leave a message after the beep." BEEP

My uncle did that one. Then there's this one that I can't really remember all the words to: (to the tune of Amazing Grace)

"Hello you've reached the Osbournes, and we're not home right now..."

As I said, I don't remember all the words, but it's really funny...

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"Huh. An intelligent guard. I never would have guessed."
-Stith, Titan A.E.

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

Well, I cheaped out & used an existing message of sorts. It's from the "Babylon 5" movie that was actually the "Crusade" pilot film...Bruce Boxleitner:

"HELlo...this is the President. I'm busy with affairs of state & can't come to the link. At the chime, leave a message, & I'll get back to you at the EARLiest opportunity!"

Then my friend Ariane had her brother do his Sean Connery impersonation for her machine...he was really good...

"Good day...this is Sean Connery & you've reached Ari's machine. She can't come to th' phone right now, as I'm too busy making mad sweet love to her. Leave the pertinent information & she'll get back to you as soon as I've finished having my way with her."

In the background at the end, you heard Ari going, "Oh, SEAN....!"

Then there's my friend Bruce, who has a friend named Mary Kay MacIver. And yes, it's pronounced THAT way. So her machine has the "MacGyver" theme song in the background & her saying, "Hi, you've reached the MacIvers. We're out saving the world on a mission for the Phoenix Foundation right now, but we'll get back to you as soon as possible. And if you have any paper clips, chewing gum, & dental floss, send it our way! we need to make a bomb to get out of the vault!"

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"Do you know how much YOU'RE worth??.....2.5 million Woolongs. THAT'S your bounty. I SAID you were small fry..." --Spike Spiegel

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

"Hello, You have reached....... the Wrong Number."

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"My Name is Elmer Fudd, Millionaire. I own a Mansion and a Yacht."
Psychiatrist: "Again."

Posted by Charles Capps (Member # 9) on :

"Hi, you've reached <phone number>. If you're looking for the Best Western, you have the wrong number. Leave a message."

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"BAD KIKI! No karaoke in the house!"

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Shik, I think "I can't come to the phone right now due to kinky sex with Sean Connery" is by far the most brilliant such message I have ever heard of.

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But the dead only quickly decay. They don't go about being born and reborn and rising and falling like souffle. The dead only quickly decay.
--
Gothic Archies
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Read chapter one of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! For the love of God, Montressor!

Posted by Michael Dracon (Member # 4) on :

A friend of mine had this one:

"Yes? [a pause of about half a minute] I'm sorry to break this conversation, but you are talking to the answering machine" BEEP.

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"Do you want to be President?"
"Yes."
"Put you hand on the book and say 'I do'."
"I do."
"Good, done. Let's eat!"

- G'kar and Sheridan, Babylon 5.

[This message has been edited by Altair (edited July 07, 2000).]

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

My brother's:
*Loud music plays* Hello? *pause* I can't hear you! *pause* I STILL can't hear you! Hold on a second, and let me turn this down... *pause, music fades* Okay... Hey, wait! This is a recording! So leave your name, etc. etc. *BEEP*

One of my friends:
*growled/shouted* WHAT FOR YOU RING BELL??? *BEEP*

Another:
Hi. I'm not here, so please tell me who you are, and why I should care.

My old college one:
*spoken by seven friends in unison*
We are the Borg. The collective is busy at the moment, so please leave your name, species, and planet of origin, and we'll ruthlessly assimilate you as soon as possible. *BEEP*

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"Nobody knows this, but I'm scared all the time... of what I might do, if I ever let go." -- Michael Garibaldi

Posted by Michael Dracon (Member # 4) on :

When I told a friend about this thread he let me hear his message, which is:

"NO!" BEEP

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"Do you want to be President?"
"Yes."
"Put you hand on the book and say 'I do'."
"I do."
"Good, done. Let's eat!"

- G'kar and Sheridan, Babylon 5.

Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :

Here's on that's a combination of sound clips from TNG eps.

*Bosun's Whistle*

Picard: This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.

Data: Captain, we are being hailed.

Picard: Yes, I know that Data, but what could it be?

Holodeck character with NY accent: A phone call?

Data: Unknown, sir. Perhaps it is scanning us.

Worf: But is it alive?

Picard: It is a life form and it has intelligence.

Riker: How do you know, sir?

Picard: It's trying to communicate with us.

Q: Oh, how touching!

Worf: Quite stimulating, wouldn't you say?

Data, as Holmes: Indubitably.

Picard: What does that mean?

Worf: I was just being... polite, sir.

Picard: Lt. Yar, open hailing frequencies.

Yar: Hailing frequencies open, sir.

*BEEP*

It's at http://www.stinsv.com/xmas.htm. Can't link directly to the file. Not sure if that'll work, either.

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"To disarm the people [is] the best and most effectual way to enslave them."
- George Mason, American Statesman and Author of the Virginia Declaration of Rights (1776)

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

OK, that's just pathetic. Reveling in one's geekiness is one thing....but full-fledged wallowing is just wrong. Has that person ever gotten laid?

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"Do you know how much YOU'RE worth??.....2.5 million Woolongs. THAT'S your bounty. I SAID you were small fry..." --Spike Spiegel

Posted by Aethelwer (Member # 36) on :

I don't know...that's a pretty impressive answering machine message.

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Er, Shik. You're talking to a bunch of Star Trek watching internet nerds. You're not in the majority there.

Sheesh. 12.

"You can't have been a full member of the golf-course then."

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"I can't believe we're actually gonna meet Guru Lou. Everyone says he's the wisest man in the universe. He's sensitive, creative, has a great sense of humour, and he's a really smooth dancer. *giggles*"
"You're confused Polly. We're not meeting Paul Newman."
- Polly & Speedy; Samurai Pizza Cats

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

"Golf...course...?" :::shakes head to clear the baffles::

Regardless...I mean, I'm the hugest fuckin' geek, too--I love Trek, love anime, build models, know all this shit about everything like y'all--but don't you ever say, "That's too far, man..."?

How many people here own uniforms? Of those people, how many bought the standard ill-fitting crappy ones & how many had them tailor-made? Of the ones who had them tailor-made, how many HAD to have them tailor-made because even a 92 extra portly is too small?

There's a major stereotype for the sci-fi fan in Aemrica..probably to an extent everywhere around the world (except Japan, where sci-fi & animation rule). I for one don't need to propagate that image. I own 1 Trek shirt--it's a Enterprise-d Rec Deck shirt someone got me for Christmas. I wear it only during the summer when I'm really really hot because it's a very thin fabric. I went out to lunch with a friend a few months ago & he wore his Jeri Ryan shirt. Now, he's not exactly a slim person, but it reinforced the stereotype, y'know? And he wonders why he can't find a girlfriend.

I'm not saying it's a BAD thing to announce you're a sci-fi fan....it's just the way it's done, y'know? My bag has sci-fi patches & pins all over it intermingled with the music & cult stuff. I wear "Blade Runner" shirts, anime shirts...right now, I have one on from Starship Modeler. But when I hear things like using that WAV as an answering machine message, my colon wants to jump up & throttle my brain.

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"Do you know how much YOU'RE worth??.....2.5 million Woolongs. THAT'S your bounty. I SAID you were small fry..." --Spike Spiegel

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Hm... So obssessing over a TV show is bad, eh? What about obessessing over being stereotyped as obssessing over a TV show? *grin*

And the golf course thing was a reference to the Red Dwarf episode referenced earlier (the skateboard thing).

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"I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups: all you do is annoy me, so I have been sent here to destroy you..."
-Eminem, "The Real Slim Shady"

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

The message I used to have was "You have reached (phone number.) I am currently unable or unwilling to come to the phone right now. Please leave a message."

As I gag, I changed it for a day to one I had read on an Internet humor site, along the lines of "Hello, the answering machine isn't here right now. This is the refrigerator. Please speak slowly and I'll try to remember what you said."

My dad called while I was out and claimed to be his microwave wanting to talk to my washing machine, was it in?

Other variations I've read on the Internet: "Hey, you're our Tenth Caller!! You win the Megadeath Tickets!!!"

Or- "Hello, you've reached Strategic Air Command. Please leave your name, number, and the small country you want bombed, and we'll get back to you."

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

So, Xentrick, is the comedy-gene shared by your entire family, or is it just passed from father to son?

Posted by Mikey T (Member # 144) on :

"Hello, you have reached the Colorge-Graca residence. Please select the following options on you touch-tone phone. For a message to Mila Rosario Taruc Colorge-Graca, J.D., press 1. For William Paul Graca, MBA, press 2. For Michael Nino Taruc Colorge, press 3. For Maria Nina Amelia Taruc Colorge, press 4. For Katherine Marie Faustina Taruc Colorge, press 5."

That was how my family answering machine was. Go figure that Radio Shack had a machine that can have 5 different message boxes!

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The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start my love
And if you're strong enough, together we can take the world apart my love

[This message has been edited by Michael_T (edited July 13, 2000).]

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

Sol, it's a XY chromosome thing.

The females all get _incredible_ patience.