Flare Sci-Fi Forums: You can't be arrested for attempted humor

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Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :

TOP 10 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN AMERICANS AND AUSTRALIANS
According to Sydney Morning Herald sports columnist Richard Hinds:
1. When they are in auto wrecks, Americans call a lawyer. Australians call an ambulance.

2. Americans put on 46 pounds of protective equipment to play football. Concussion is part of the scoring system in Australian football.

3. Despite urban decay, the collapse of family values and the past 14 White House administrations, Americans still believe they live in the best country in the world. Despite their clean cities and easygoing lifestyles, Australians still believe the Americans.

4. America has a vast nuclear armory. Australia has a promising archery team.

5. America has a public holiday for an assassinated civil rights leaders. Australia has one for a horse race [the Melbourne Cup].

6. Americans declare their domestic sports teams 'world champions.' Australians figure you probably need to clear customs to do that.

7. America has a flourishing arts, entertainment and sports industry. Australia [well, Rupert Murdoch] owns it.

8. America can boast political leaders of the caliber of Al Gore and George W. Bush. Australia can boast that America has political leaders of the caliber of Al Gore and George W. Bush. (My own personal favorite)

9. The word 'irony' appears in the Australian dictionary.

10. America kicked out the English in 1776. Two hundred and three years later,
Australia voted to keep them because we weren't so sure about replacing Queen Elizabeth with Olivia Newton John on the coins."

AND THIS

From the Web site www.jokedujour.com:
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

And . . .
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Brits in every sport they played them in.
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This is a place of business, not a peewee flopphouse!
~C. Montgomery Burns

[This message has been edited by Jay (edited September 15, 2000).]

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

While we're at it, here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate:-

UK:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

USA:

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed....

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: What's this guy smoking, and where can I get some?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: From Liz Taylor perhaps?

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Although my favourite is this beaut from Italy...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? A: Sure. Gay night clubs.

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"Why do you want to spend time with a deer? They're so stupid, they get hypnotized by headlights!" - Guido Anchovy

Posted by Teelie (Member # 280) on :

*lmao*
All of those were good. World culture isn't integrated enough obviously... "can I speak English in most places I go?" lol!

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Where's the bathroom on this ship?

[This message has been edited by TLE (edited September 16, 2000).]

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Oh, please... There are people in the US who think they'll need to know Spanish to visit New Mexico...

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"It's like the Star of David or something. But without the whole Judaism thing."
-Frank Gerratana, 17-Aug-2000

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

And let's not forget that Mad Max was actually dubbed in the US, because they thought that people wouldn't be able to undertand "Australian". He, try doing that to Mel now...

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"Why do you want to spend time with a deer? They're so stupid, they get hypnotized by headlights!" - Guido Anchovy

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

That's interesting... The Mad Max I saw wasn't dubbed.

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Intelligence, Integrity, Responsibility.
Vote Bush/Cheney 2000

Posted by Aethelwer (Member # 36) on :

It was one of the sequels that was dubbed.

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"I now believe I have found a doorway between the two realities. I can cross back and forth at will. I'm not sure what this means, but I intend to explore alternate Earths until I start to suck a lot and get canceled." - Simon Sizer

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

No, the original has been dubbed, too. I haven't seen the Australian-accented version yet...

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"It's like the Star of David or something. But without the whole Judaism thing."
-Frank Gerratana, 17-Aug-2000

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

I've seen all three in its original Australian. Mad Max, Road Warriors and Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome. All very good though.

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Intelligence, Integrity, Responsibility.
Vote Bush/Cheney 2000

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Er, if you'd seen it in the original Australian, you'd have called it "Mad Max II", rather than "Road Warriors".

From what I here, it's almost impossible to find the original version of Mad Max nowadays. Maybe in Australia...

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"Why do you want to spend time with a deer? They're so stupid, they get hypnotized by headlights!" - Guido Anchovy

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

the point should be made, not only is the first Mad Max movie dubbed into American, is _badly_ dubbed into "more American than American."

"Oh, please... There are people in the US who think they'll need to know Spanish to visit New Mexico..."

New Mexico, probably not. Southern California, on the other hand...si, es verdad.

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

Xentrick, I believe he's right. During the Olympics in Atlanta, the committee that sold tickets didn't have an office in New Mexico. When people from NM called about purchasing tickets to the main office, they were told to check with their country's ticket office.

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Intelligence, Integrity, Responsibility.
Vote Bush/Cheney 2000

Posted by Teelie (Member # 280) on :

You seem to have some anti-American sentiments Psy.

Anyhow, I have spoken to aussies before and there's a real difference in accent and slang terms I guess but we could understand eachother just fine.

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Where's the bathroom on this ship?

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Jeff: I believe Xentrick meant that you wouldn't need to speak Spanish in NM, but you would in southern CA.

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"It's like the Star of David or something. But without the whole Judaism thing."
-Frank Gerratana, 17-Aug-2000

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

Oh I think we all have stuff against America *L*

Kind of like the big (fat) kid of the family who nobody really wants to admit is there, until they need them to beat up some poor sod. (In this case, we view you as more of a bully, than anything else). But then, we're generically smartarses.

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"More beer, more beer, more beer, more beer! ARSE!"
- Ode to God.

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Jay: About your topic-name, tell that to Rushdie.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

I don't know that anyone wants to arrest Rushdie. Just to kill him... :-)

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"It's like the Star of David or something. But without the whole Judaism thing."
-Frank Gerratana, 17-Aug-2000

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Exactly. :-)

Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :

Although something tells me that Rushdie isn't up there with the comedy greats.

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This is a place of business, not a peewee flopphouse!
~C. Montgomery Burns