Flare Sci-Fi Forums: George W's First Night

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Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

**I feel I should warn that this is a joke and that I'm sure some people will be very upset and probably not have a sense of humor -- and should develop one before reading this if they don't already have one. Peace out!**

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep welland then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn't sleep well, so much later on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

Posted by USS Vanguard (Member # 130) on :

very amusing...hehehehe.

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"Life sucks, then you die"

Posted by Ritten (Member # 417) on :

Didn't call him 'Honest Abe' for naught...

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"One's ethics are determined by what we do when no one is looking" Nugget
Star Trek: Gamma Quadrant
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Read them, rate them, got money, film them

"...and I remain on the far side of crazy, I remain the mortal enemy of man, no hundred dollar cure will save me..." WoV

Posted by Mucus (Member # 24) on :

You know....I heard a very similar one like this in Canada when Mulroney was still Prime Minister.
It went something like this:

The Prime Minister (Mulroney) and his Finance Minister are flying around Canada in an airplane, when Mulroney hits upon an idea.

"Why don't I throw out a $50 bill out the hatchway....and make whomever picks it up happy."

The Finance Minister says, "Or why not throw out 5 $10 bills out, and make five people happy!"

Mulroney replies, "Or I could throw out 50 $1 bills and make 50 people happy!"

Then a voice from the cockpit rings out, "Or why not throw yourself out, and make the whole country happy?"

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"The Guide says that there is an art to flying...or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Life, the Universe and Everything

Posted by Quatre Winner (Member # 464) on :

*LMAO @ both jokes*

Deeply cute.

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"Okashii na... namida ga nagareteru. Hitotsu mo kanashikunai no ni."
(That's funny... my tears are falling. And I'm not sad at all.) - Quatre Raberba Winner

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Heh. Okay, "now for the democratic response:"

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven (I know it's a severe stretch of the imagination, but bear with me).

Once there, she is greeted by an Angel who explains it's his job to show her around.

After passing many wondrous things, The two of them stop by an enormous wall of hanging clocks, each with a tiny plaque underneath. Some of the clocks are stopped, some are clicking slowly, and some are ticking merrily away.

"What's this?" Hillary asks.
"This is the Wall of Truth," replies the Angel. "Every human who is alive or has ever lived is represented here on this wall. Every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks forward one second."

The Angel shows Hillary a clock stopped at Midnight. "This was Mother Teresa's Clock. She never lied once." He shows her another, stopped at 2 seconds past Midnight. "This is Abe Lincoln's. He only ever lied twice."

Hillary gazes at the clocks a while, and after a moment is overcome by curiosity. "I don't see my husband's clock here. Can you show it to me?"

"No," the Angel says, "It's not on the wall, it's in Saint Peter's office. The A/C is out, and he's using it as a fan."

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"My knowledge and experience far exceeds your own, by, oh, about a BILLION times!" -- Q

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

ROFLMAO

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

hahahahahahaaaa......

See, even us libs/dems can share a laugh or two.

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Psychiatrist: "Again."

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

I've heard the Canadian joke, but it was about someone else.

I also heard the heavenly clock one originally a long time ago, but it wasn't about the Clintons, and it was about masturbation, rather than lying.

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Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

We should make a joke thread

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"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Omega 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
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"The candidate who slimed John McCain in the primaries and smeared Al Gore in the general election is now the president who pledges to elevate the nation's tone and bring civility to our discorse. Kind of like Michael Corleone brought peace to the mob by killing the heads of the other four families."
--Paul Begala, Is Our Children Learning?

[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited February 18, 2001).]

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Uh...will they all be like this?

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I will shout until they know what I mean.
--
Neutral Milk Hotel
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Read three (three!) chapters of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! Then, go insane!

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

I hope not. I'd need to invest in some new clothes with reinforced stiching, to hold my sides together when they split.

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"And Mojo was hurt and I would have kissed his little boo boo but then I realized he was a BAD monkey so I KICKED HIM IN HIS FACE!"
-Bubbles

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

You could ask Sol where he gets his pants.

(Why has this died? All our base are burying Sol's Manstick)

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"...screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" - Omega.

Irony ensues.

Free Jeff K

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

No. The combination of the sheer humour in thsi thread, plus the fact that a lady has walked within one mile of his home, means that we're all having to stich together new trousers for Simon. Again.

Move Zip! For Great Justice!

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"And Mojo was hurt and I would have kissed his little boo boo but then I realized he was a BAD monkey so I KICKED HIM IN HIS FACE!"
-Bubbles

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Is this how it's going to be? Whenever someone makes a joke about this Republican president, a Republican immediately has to come out and make a joke about the guy who ran against him, or the party he represented? Because it's going to be pretty stupid in 3 years time, or even 7 in the unlikely event he gets re-elected (Bushes don't seem to be good at that part).

You might have heard about this small island I live in, and how recently we saw the end of 18 years of rule by the Conservative party. Well, in those 18 years we saw a gradual, almost flukish return from a period of prolonged economic unrest, which then turned into a vastly swollen boom which became in its turn a bust that rivalled the one in which they were elected. And throughout it all you had these idiots reminding you that "in real terms" (a popular phrase of theirs)they were still handling things better than the previous administration - and this after 18 years! A whole generation had grown up and were now able to vote, who couldn't even remember thewm not being in charge, and were not expected to re-elect them because things today were better than they had been in a period that had about the same relevance to the youth of today as the Middle Ages.

So, there. A cautionary tale. Live in the now. You're SUPPOSED to take the piss out of the guys running things, whoever they are and whichever party they belong to. There are plenty of places in the world which don't have such freedoms. So relax, take a load off, and just say to yourselves "well, let's be honest here, he's no. . . *tries to think of a good Republican president* . . . Richard Nixon." 8)

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"I rather strongly disagree, even if I share the love of Dick. Speaking of which, that would be the most embarrasing .sig quote ever, so never use it."

- Simon Sizer, 23/01/2001

Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :

the unlikely event he gets re-elected (Bushes don't seem to be good at that part).

Pardon, but isn't G.W., like, the only governer in the entire history of Texas to get re-elected?

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"All references to vices and of the supernatural contained in this game are for entertainment purposes only. _Over_The_Edge_ does not promote satanisim, belief in magic, drug use, violence, sexual deviation, body piercing, cynical attitudes toward the government, freedom of expression, or any other action or belief not condoned by the authorities."
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Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Yeah, speaking of which, shouldn't he be serving out his term?

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

I do believe I speak for Sol when I say:

"I'm cursed with this terrible gift. Nobody can even come close to pleasing my manhood."

And, more relevent:

"[Insert obscure reference here] Camper van Beethoven [Something about something that no one understands] My Large [Pun] only one [pun] to be seemingly [confusing literary reference for those of who can't read] while still [pun] and stuff. So, keep it civil."

MORAL: ALL YOUR THREAD ARE BELONG TO CIVIL.

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"...screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" - Omega.

Irony ensues.

Free Jeff K

[This message has been edited by Ultra Magnus (edited February 20, 2001).]

Posted by Aethelwer (Member # 36) on :

Camper. It's a joke. Camper van. Get it?

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Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Uh, what are you talking about there, Frankariffic?

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"...screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" - Omega.

Irony ensues.

Free Jeff K

Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :

*GROAN*

Posted by Aethelwer (Member # 36) on :

Just explaining things.

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Frank's Home Page
"I picked up a magic 8-ball the other day and it said 'Outlook not so good.' I said 'Sure, but Microsoft still ships it.'" - ancient proverb

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Coming up next on the Paramount Comedy Channel: Frank Explains It All. 8)

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"I rather strongly disagree, even if I share the love of Dick. Speaking of which, that would be the most embarrasing .sig quote ever, so never use it."

- Simon Sizer, 23/01/2001

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

It won't be half as scary as his follow-up series, Frank the teenage Witch.

I did like how Voggy posted about how everytime someone posts something even slightly humerous that degrades the Republicans, someone self-rightiously leaps to their defence in an oh-so-serious manner, because what did Omega do right after the post? Leap to Bush's defence. He's as predictable as a broken watch.

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"And Mojo was hurt and I would have kissed his little boo boo but then I realized he was a BAD monkey so I KICKED HIM IN HIS FACE!"
-Bubbles

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

"Right After" generally isn't FIVE DAYS. Check your time-date stamp, Bulldog.

_I_, on the other hand, posted a non-defensive, but still funny (funnier, IMHO), 'retaliatory' joke MUCH quicker.

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The government that seems the most unwise, oft goodness to the people best supplies. That which is meddling, touching everything, will work but ill, and disappointment bring. - The Tao Te Ching

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

Whoaaaa...settle down there, Aloysius. He din't mean t'gets ya all riled up like that. Probably didn't realize he wasn't talking about Sol's recently-acquired "penile resupply areas"...

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Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :

what did Omega do right after the post? Leap to Bush's defence.

Leap to his defence? All I did was point out a factual error. I do that.

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Ahem.

I believe the comment about re-election was directed at Dubya's father's failure to be elected for a second term as President of the United States, and not at junior's success in gaining re-election in Texas. Although I'm not Texan, so I can't speak for the accuracy of Omega's statement that only Dubya has ever been re-elected.

And, with the election scandal, it's a good bet that Democrats and Liberals are going to turn out en-masse to the voting polls, so George W.'s chances of re-election are very small. Not that it couldn't happen, mind you, but the odds are against him. As it is, the Congress will belong to the Democrats in two years. This would be a good time to discuss this nation's habit of giving the Presidency to one party and the Congress to another, but I do digress.

But, this isn't the Flameboard, so let's either move this to the flameboard, start a new thread, or tell some more jokes.

Here's a joke I like to call "Super Granny!"

An elderly lady did her shopping, and, upon returning to her car, found four men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her keys into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited February 23, 2001).]

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

I like pie. My favorites are apple and cherry. I also like the ladies. Mm-hmm.

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I will shout until they know what I mean.
--
Neutral Milk Hotel
****
Read three (three!) chapters of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! Then, go insane!

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

U R A turnip.

How do you like them apples?

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Here lies a toppled god,
His fall was not a small one.
We did but build his pedestal,
A narrow and a turnip.

-Tleilaxu Epigram

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

5 days? Unless someone has set my brain up the bomb, then both voggy and Omega posted on the 20 February.

On the plus side, I've just seen my video of Steve Coogan Live: The Man who Thinks he's it. Very funny.

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"And Mojo was hurt and I would have kissed his little boo boo but then I realized he was a BAD monkey so I KICKED HIM IN HIS FACE!"
-Bubbles

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Liam: Voggy's post is what you were referring to?? I thought you said a HUMOROUS post (meaning JeffKarde's original post, which was on the 15th.)

VoggyFirstFirst's post wasn't humorous. At least, not by conventional standards. It was political.

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

%#!@%~!

I post a "Dubya" joke.

Mucus posts "Canadian" joke.

First posts a "Billy-Boy is a liar" joke.

VorgonPoet says people have no sense of humor when it comes to their chosen political parties.

Immediatly after Vorgon's post, Omega posts that Dubya is, to his knowledge, the only gov'ner of TX to gain re-election in quite some time.

Bad posts about "all your base are belong to me!" and Sol's enormous member. Omega posts "GROAN!"

PsyLiam observes that after Vorgon's post, Omega makes a post defending Dubya's re-election chances.

People have no idea what is going on, hilarity ensues.

AHHHHHH!!!!!

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

WARNING: Lawyers may be offended by the following joke.
WARNING: I don't care.

So... this lawyer parks his expensive Mercedes, and is opening the door to get out, when a semi speeds past and tears off the door. CRUNCH!

The lawyer jumps out of his car and starts screaming about the damage caused to his poor car, and how expensive it will be to fix.

A cop stops by, blinks for a moment, and says to the lawyer: "You're worried about your CAR? Haven't you even noticed that the crash took off your left ARM???"

The lawyer looks down at the remains of his arm and screams: "MY ROLEX!!!!!!!!!"

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

I've got another lawyer joke

There's this plane -- a small one, like a Cessna or something. There's a pilot aboard, obviously. There's also a priest, a doctor, a lawyer, and a little boy.

Well, the pilot comes back into the main compartment and tells the passengers, "we've got engine problems! Grap a parachute and JUMP! Oh, yeah, there are only four parachutes." So he grabs a parachute and jumps.

The doctor declares, "I save human lives! I must survive!" he grabs a parachute and jumps.

The lawyer declares, "I'm the smartest man on the face of the Earth! I must survive!" he grabs a parachute and jumps.

"There's only one parachute left little boy," the priest says, handing it to him. "I've lived a long and good life. Now go and live a long good life yourself."

The little boy shakes his head. "It's okay, Father. The 'smartest man on the face of the Earth' just jumped out of here with my backpack."

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

That's an old one.

Way I heard it, it was the pilot (who had to report the crash), the Senator (the brilliant leader), the Pope (old man) and a Cub Scout.

Posted by The359 (Member # 37) on :

I heard it too, except it was The Pope, a Boy Scout, President Clinton, and Reverend Jesse Jackson (as the "Backpack-grabber")

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