This is something I found at Military.com and hust had to share it:
French War Jokes
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows... No French man has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank? A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats? A: So they can see the old French Navy.
Q: Why is it crucial for the French to join the war against Iraq? A: Somebody has to show the Iraqis how to surrender.
Q: What do you call 100,000 French men with their arms in the air? A: The army.
Q: Why shouldn't we be surprised that the French don't want to help us against the Iraqis? A: Because they didn't help us when we fought the Germans.
Q: The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear? A: Track shoes.
Q: Why do French tanks have five gears for reverse and only one for forward? A: In case they're attacked from behind.
Q: What color is the French military flag? A: White.
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the streets of Paris? A: So the Germans could park in the shade.
Q: Why does the French military have such a low mortality rate? A: Because it's hard to engage with the enemy when both sides are running in the same direction.
Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training? A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.
Q: Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? A: So they can see the war.
Q: Why do French men wear yellow ties? A: To match the streaks running down their back.
Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention? A: Start ordering in German.
Posted by Ultra Magnus (Member # 239) on :
Those French!
FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU FRENCH, FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD NOT:
Surrender Not fight Lose Be Bad
Posted by Ultra Magnus (Member # 239) on :
ALSO THEY SHOULD NOT:
Lose to the Germans
Posted by Harry (Member # 265) on :
WORLD WAR TWO WAS FUNNY!! HAHA SILLY YURPIANS!
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
From Military.Com, you say? How utterly pathetic. I've heard fifth-graders with more originality than that. And better taste.
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
And a better grasp of historical fact.
Posted by Harry (Member # 265) on :
And if anyone knows about grasping facts...
Posted by MinutiaeMan (Member # 444) on :
Military.com, eh? That's one place I'll be sure to avoid in the future... Posted by Toadkiller (Member # 425) on :
We only really like to pick on new members.
Posted by Styrofoaman (Member # 706) on :
As I am 1/2 French I am slightly offended by this.
1) The Germans overwhelmed France in WW2 they had no choice but to surrender or suffer utter destruction of thier country and way of life.
2) It's funny that we're fighting in Iraq for "freedom." Yet when other countries that have that freedom thing going (like say... France!) and they don't agree with the All Powerful America then we get crap like this.
3) Just remember, next time you start bashing the French for not supporting America, we most likely wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for France helping us fight the English.
Ok, I'm done now.
Posted by Mucus (Member # 24) on :
Well, we'd certainly be here.
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
At least it makes a change from the standard US to UK "You would be speaking German if it wasn't for us!" comment. Bizaire that the French are the only ones who have a good come-back for that one.
Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :
Two things. First, I think you spelled bizzare wrong. Of course, I'm not saying that I spelled it correctly either, just that I'm sure you didn't.
Second ... what is the French response?
American: "You would be speaking German if it wasn't for us!"
Frenchman: "If it wasn't for us, you'd still be speaking English!"
?
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
More "if it wasn't for us, you'd still be putting useless extra "u"s in your words.
Posted by Manticore (Member # 1227) on :
Styrofoaman, just so you feel reassured, I'm an American with no French in me whatsoever, and I'm offended by those really stupid jokes.
Posted by Ultra Magnus (Member # 239) on :
Paris is nicer than Newark.
Posted by Toadkiller (Member # 425) on :
Frankly, if the US had a large border with Germany in the late 30's they would have rolled right over us given our state of preparedness. The UK was saved by the channel, then the RAF.
As for the "you'd be speaking X" debates the proper response from almost any "foreigner" to an American would be " at least I can speak more than just one language".
Speaks three languages = trilingual Speaks two languages = bilingual Speaks one language = American
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
The funniest thing is that the person that compiled this "jokelist" for posting on MILITARY.COM obviously have no idea or grasp whatsoever of France's current and recent MILITARY condition or quality. Just the french foreign legion kicked the US Marine's ass up between their shoulders in several trans-atlantic trials and exercises a few years back, they're more singleminded and ferocious than bloody Spetznaz.
Posted by Sea Tyger (Member # 1313) on :
Surrender jokes aside (which have been around for a long time), France and the US, as political entities, have been close allies for most of the last two centuries (certain issues in NATO aside, but that's another rant all together).
It's really only been the last few years that there's been a serious rift in Franco-American relations, and it's primarily because of the differences in opinion over the current Iraqi situation.
Further exacerbating the problem were the French economic interests that were tied to the Hussein regime, an issue that made many Americans (and the US goverment) mad.
I'll never completely fault a nation for looking out for its own interests, no matter how much I may disagree with that nation's actions. In this instance, France should have bit the bullet and come in to help out once the major combat was over. They disagreed with the war, that's fine. But the war is over and we're trying to rebuild the nation of Iraq now; it makes no sense to continue to protest an action that has already been completed. Get over it and help us turn Iraq into a strong democratic republic. I'm sure if they offered to help, the US government would accept it. Until then, forgive me if I remain a little miffed at France (and Germany, and Russia).
France helped us gain our sovereignty; we've helped the French regain theirs. I'm quite confident that the US and France will get past this and be allies again (we're already mending fences as it is).
Okay, so that ended up being all over the place. My point is that while sophomoric humor will always be around, I'm willing to bet the majority of Americans, while upset about current French policy, don't hate the French (and really have never hated the French).
Oh, and PsyLiam, my response to that comeback would be, "What, unlike the useless little consonants at the end of yours?" (Meant purely in jest, of course.) Posted by Cartman (Member # 256) on :
"But the war is over..."
Officially.
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sea Tyger: Oh, and PsyLiam, my response to that comeback would be, "What, unlike the useless little consonants at the end of yours?"
That'd be the worst comeback ever, though.
Still, I'm sure that France etc are simply dying to send their troops over to the not-a-war-zone-in-anyway-no-one-is-dying-here-at-all land we call Iraq, and have them all die for a war they didn't agree with in the first place. It's just common sense.
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
"Bizarre".
"More 'if it wasn't for us, you'd still be putting useless extra 'u's in your words."
Which is funny, since they're the ones that put those 'u's in there in the first place.
Posted by Highway Hoss (Member # 1289) on :
Ease up folks they're just jokes OK? Like no one has ever made fun of the French before? My dad fought in WW2 and he HATED the French more than the Germans...
Posted by Ultra Magnus (Member # 239) on :
Okay, so? Your dad is ignorant? Okay.
Posted by Harry (Member # 265) on :
quote: it makes no sense to continue to protest an action that has already been completed. Get over it and help us turn Iraq into a strong democratic republic. I'm sure if they offered to help, the US government would accept it. Until then, forgive me if I remain a little miffed at France (and Germany, and Russia).
The United States fights and unjustified war. Why the hell should France, Germany and Russia help you clean up the mess? The United States does not have any right to demand help. The only body that can persuade those countries to help is the United Nations. But that would mean that the United States and the United Kingdom would actually have to come up with a convincing argument, and they've never really been very good at that (remember the bullshit Powell slideshow?).
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
HH: "Ease up folks they're just jokes OK? Like no one has ever made fun of the French before? My dad fought in WW2 and he HATED the French more than the Germans..."
Well bad reason to dust off 50 year old slurs for use in a time were none of the factors that made the jokes viable even exist anymore.
And here I went and gave you the benefit of the doubt. Oh well.
Sea Tyger: "it makes no sense to continue to protest an action that has already been completed."
Great logic, remind me to remind you of that after I've walked into your house and spray-painted all the things in it because I think they were supposed to all have the color red-white-blue. After I've already done it, what's the point in complaining? Instead, you should help me spray some MORE stuff I missed! Come on, be a team player!
Posted by Cartman (Member # 256) on :
Some people still think The War and The Aftermath are two unrelated episodes of two unrelated reality shows and that there's no continuity between them at all, or something.
"Like no one has ever made fun of the French before?"
Yes, but:
1) these jokes are old, and 2) they're not funny, and 3) their condescending nationalistic tone is frowned upon here, and 4) they're not funny
So.
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
Hm. Cool reverb effect.
Posted by B.J. (Member # 858) on :
quote:Originally posted by Toadkiller: As for the "you'd be speaking X" debates the proper response from almost any "foreigner" to an American would be " at least I can speak more than just one language".
Speaks three languages = trilingual Speaks two languages = bilingual Speaks one language = American
Toadkiller, I realize you're also speaking about yourself with this, but I had to respond.
Most Americans don't have any use for learning a second language. I can drive 1000 miles in any direction and most people still speak English. Sure, I had to take Spanish and a little French in middle and high school (as did most Americans), but that's practially gone from memory since I don't have any opportunities to practice it. Considering that the size of US states are similar to the size of European countries, I'm sure that if every state spoke a different language we'd learn more than one language.
Personally, I'd love to learn Russian or Japanese or German. But since the only place I would have to practice it would be the classroom, there's no way I'd become fluent enough to consider myself bilingual.
B.J.
(P.S. - I thought it was funny. Some people are too PC to take a joke. If you can't poke fun at yourself, what's the point?)
Posted by Dat (Member # 302) on :
quote:Originally posted by Highway Hoss: Ease up folks they're just jokes OK? Like no one has ever made fun of the French before? My dad fought in WW2 and he HATED the French more than the Germans...
You just don't do this in a public forum where anyone (and I mean ANYONE... regardless of race, sex, age, sexual preference, and anything else) can come in here and read this.
Posted by Styrofoaman (Member # 706) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ultra Magnus: Okay, so? Your dad is ignorant? Okay.
Funny he mentioned this to me over IM yesterday too. Kind of bugs me. If he hated the French more than the Germans then why was he helping the Allies? Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :
Well gosh, probably because he joined up after the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, and gosh darn, got sent off to kill some Germans. A soldier does what a soldier's told to do.
These jokes have been told so often since that stupid Freedom-Fry issue that I'm surprised anyone even responded to this thread with anything more than a "Oh, look, jokes that we've all heard fifty-million times in the last year and a half. Thanks for wasting our time."
Really, Hoss, don't let it get you down.
Posted by Styrofoaman (Member # 706) on :
As I said I'm only slightly offended by this. In fact I'm over it now. All those "Dumb Texan" jokes I found really helped me get over my anger yes indeed. Posted by MirrorCaptainMike (Member # 709) on :
jokes do not offend me as i lack respect for all nationalities and creeds equally.
Posted by Wraith (Member # 779) on :
Well, the jokes were mildly amusing the first time you hear them. Unfortunately that was at least 5 years ago. I have no problem taking the piss out of the French, but it's far more amusing to do it about things that are relevant than dragging up jokes from WW2. Or the Napoleonic wars in some cases. Surrendering French jokes are especially unfunny when Americans do them, for obvious reasons.
quote: Frankly, if the US had a large border with Germany in the late 30's they would have rolled right over us given our state of preparedness.
Doubtful; the US army was pitifully poorly prepared in the late 1930s. Although they didn't really expect to fight a major land war.
quote:I can drive 1000 miles in any direction and most people still speak English.
Yes, but so could I, probably. Although any direction would have to be substituted for 'East', owing to a distinct lack of 1000 mile stretches of land to the west of the UK...
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
"Frankly, if the US had a large border with Germany in the late 30's they would have rolled right over us given our state of preparedness."
"Doubtful; the US army was pitifully poorly prepared in the late 1930s. Although they didn't really expect to fight a major land war."
Hang on. Didn't you both just say the same thing?
Posted by Wraith (Member # 779) on :
Err.... possibly.
For reasons not entirely clear to me now, I thought Toadkiller was German, and getting into the 'Britain and France should've attacked Germany in 1938 thing. oops....
Posted by Sea Tyger (Member # 1313) on :
Harry: Only in some people's opinion is the war unjustified, and that view is likely colored by whether the source supported Bush or Gore in the 2000 election. The "unjustified" war crap is largely a political weapon.
Also, I didn't "demand" that they help. I said that I think they "should" help. Big difference.
Like it or not, we've removed Hussein from power and are trying to install a democratically elected government.
Nim: Your example is valid only in the fact that yes, your screwed up the paint job in my house, and yes, I'm sure as heck going to complain. But how is it productive to keep complaining about the same event a year later?
It's been a year, people! Get over it! Continuing to complain about the US going into Iraq is useless now.
"Your objection has been noted and logged, assuming that I actually cared." -- Kirk
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
"But how is it productive to keep complaining about the same event a year later?"
Because I mustn't be allowed to do it again, duh. And I didn't mean botching an interior decoration job, I meant breaking into your lofty mansion in the night and smearing everything with paint.
If the whole neighborhood just don't give a damn about whose undies I'm aerosoling with lye, figuring "Yeah, he probably knows what he's doing, he helped me program my VCR a year back", then I can make up my rules as I go.
I gotta read "Animal Farm", all this allegory is making me have to run to the bathroom all the time.
Posted by Harry (Member # 265) on :
quote:Harry: Only in some people's opinion is the war unjustified, and that view is likely colored by whether the source supported Bush or Gore in the 2000 election. The "unjustified" war crap is largely a political weapon.
France (etc.) thought it was unjustified. You were talking about France (etc.).
quote:Also, I didn't "demand" that they help. I said that I think they "should" help. Big difference
.
Ah. You don't even demand, you just expect them to help because you are America?
quote:Like it or not, we've removed Hussein from power and are trying to install a democratically elected government.
Yes, YOU wanted to do that. A lot of people opposed that decision, and there's no reason why French soldiers would have to die for your war.
quote:It's been a year, people! Get over it! Continuing to complain about the US going into Iraq is useless now.
This is a CRAP argument. How many times did people warn the US of the complete disaster this would turn into? You screwed the United Nations royally, you started bitching about "Old Europe", and now you expect help just because ... well.. I don't really know why. Give me one good reason why anyone 'should' help the United States in a war they did not support in the first place? As I said, the only body that can foster that support is the United Nations. But it's too late for that, isn't it?
Posted by Cartman (Member # 256) on :
I said that I think they "should" help.
You haven't said why you think that yet.
Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :
Someone is getting moved to the Flameboard.
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
"It's been a year, people! Get over it! Continuing to complain about the US going into Iraq is useless now."
The war was wrong. That's been decided. Get over it.
See how the "get over it" arguement doesn't really work?
Besides, to continue Nim's odd analogy, what if he were still in your house a year later, still spending every day throwing paint around? You would have given up complaining by then?
Posted by Toadkiller (Member # 425) on :
No, not German. Well, ethnically I am, in fact we've a distant relation that was one of the bad guys...
But I digress.
HH - frankly unless France et al come up with a reason - that is in their national interest - to join the ongoing war, then they aren't going to do it. The US blew the "help us 'cause we're allies" card last year. We then cut them out from the alleged spoils of the war after "mission accomplished". So, they are sitting there with no valid treaty obligation and no economic interests. Couple that with adverse public opinion towards military adventuring....
I thought that Saddam should go. I wanted the Taliban out. I am, in many respects, a "hawk". If I was the god-emperor I'd have taken them on prior to 9-11 (all will love me and despair). But I don't blame the countries that haven't joined the fight for staying out of it.
Sits down for the move to the flameboard when Sol wakes up.
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
quote:Originally posted by Toadkiller: I thought that Saddam should go. I wanted the Taliban out.
I know this is possibly too stupid a question to ask, but...you think that Saddam is leader of the Taliban?
Posted by Wraith (Member # 779) on :
You mean he wasn't?!? Does that mean he wasn't personally responsible for 9/11 either? I'm shocked.
Posted by Toadkiller (Member # 425) on :
No - just ran jumbled my sentances. I meant that I supported the idea of change in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
Posted by Balaam Xumucane (Member # 419) on :
Oh, the allies should be helping in Iraq now for sure. If for no other reason than their presence might keep the US, erm, influence honest. With my limited grasp of things political, I understand that the US bureaucratic system of checks and balances was designed to prevent monopolistic power excess from getting too far out of balance. Can you imagine the vast military-industrial might of a superpower like the United States on some out-of-control, unilateral mission purely in pursuit of it's own interests without regard for the safety of it's own public or the global ramifications of its actions? That's scary. Because that would be dangerous. Gosh, people could get hurt.
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
I could've sworn ToadKiller said: "If I was the god-emperor I'd have taken them on prior to 9-11 (all will love me and despair)."
Huh, what if Galadriel would've stripped naked, laid down on a sand dune and started slapping sand trout on her flesh? Whilst wearing The One Ring? Food for thought...
*Blue Nuclear-Galadriel Hulk-bouncing towards Mordor, chopping down Doom-Mountains with the edge of her hand* "KNOCK-KNOCK, SAURON!!! WEEE!!!" Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
Are all Swedes like this, or are you just special?
Posted by Toadkiller (Member # 425) on :
Let's just all back away slowly and try not to make eye contact....
Posted by Cartman (Member # 256) on :
"Are all Swedes like this, or are you just special?"
Nim leads a charmed life. There's one on every board, but only one. B)
Posted by Grokca (Member # 722) on :
quote:Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows... No French man has ever tried.
Shouldn't this joke be more accurately said.
Q: How many Americans does it take to defend Washington D.C.? A: Nobody knows.. no American has ever tried.
It was only attacked once during the War of 1812 and the troops ran, instead of defending it. And to quote an American observer at the time "They ran like sheep being chased by dogs".
Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :
Four pages of this?
After those jokes and counter-jokes, I am ready to surrender! Here is where I cash my check from Comedy Company International.
Honestly.
Posted by Wraith (Member # 779) on :
quote:Originally posted by Grokca:
quote:Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows... No French man has ever tried.
Shouldn't this joke be more accurately said.
Q: How many Americans does it take to defend Washington D.C.? A: Nobody knows.. no American has ever tried.
It was only attacked once during the War of 1812 and the troops ran, instead of defending it. And to quote an American observer at the time "They ran like sheep being chased by dogs".
Ah, yes the 'Bladensburg races.' I seem to remember a quote from one British officer remarking that the Americans managed to run away even faster than the Spaniards...
Posted by Masao (Member # 232) on :
When I was growing up in the 1960s, WWII was as recent as the Reagan Administration is for us now. I remember hearing these same stupid jokes, occassionally with the Poles or Italians put in instead of the French. The glass bottom boat "joke" one was usually told about the Japanese.
I guess we'll have to archive these jokes for the next war.
Posted by Dat (Member # 302) on :
I can imagine someone adapting these for the Iraqis or the Afghans.
Posted by Nim the Fanciful (Member # 205) on :
You mean due to the fact that their army didn't last even five minutes against us, and that we make them eat rat?
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
HOW ABOUT THAT SUDETENLAND? THEY SURE GET ANNEXED A LOT, EH? EH?
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