Flare Sci-Fi Forums: Say ten thousand Hail Marys...

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Posted by Feste on :

Associated Press - November 5, 1999

Warren Ohio - A Roman Catholic priest who stabbed himself 88 times in a suicide attempt and then falsely blamed it on two black men to cover it up will return to the pulpit.

The Rev. Thomas Spisak, 56, will help run St. Mary Catholic Church by the end of the week, said the Rev. Bernard Schmalzreid, the parrish's current pastor.

Spisak, a former assistant at St. Mary's in the 1980's, admitted stabbing and poisoning himself in June 1998 and falsely telling police that two black men attacked him in the church rectory. (*and made him drink poison?* - Feste)

For the falsification, Spisak was sentenced to two days at a privately run facility where prisoners perform services such as helping run the local humane society.

He also spent six months in Canada undergoing counseling.

Spisak attempted suicide because he was depressed about heart surgery, said Bishop Thomas Tobin of Youngstown.

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"There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne."

Bette Davis - Old Acquaintance

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

Let me get this straight. He stabed himself 88 times, and he's still alive??? No Justice.

What was Kirk's line... "Like a poor marksman, you just keep missing the target."

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Fool of a Took, throw yourself in next time!!
Gandalf

Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :

Stabs himself 88 times to no (lethal) effect? He must have had a poor understanding of human anatomy. Either that or he was looking in a mirror to see where he should put the knife and forgot that since the image was reversed, he needed to stab the other side to get the vital organs he was trying to perforate.

Sad, really.

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"The Christian has nothing to fear from thoughtful investigation."
-- A. Lindsley
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Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Perhaps he had a butter knife.

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by HMS White Star (Member # 174) on :

Well actually you can be stabbed many, many times and still not get killed, if you miss vital organs.

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I will not subject my classmates to medical experiments.

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

But the point is that the poor guy evidently couldn't find his heart in 88 tries.

Unless he had a butter knife that just wouldn't work for him...

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Of COURSE he couldn't find his heart in 88 tries. He's a PRIEST!

*will get smited for this, but doesn't care anymore*

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'In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to Liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." ---- Thomas Jefferson

Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :

Actually, that's a good joke.

Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :

It would have been funnier (not finding his heart, that is) if he had been an attorney. My opinion.

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Jesus saves.
Moses invests.
--Bumper Sticker
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Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

You're right, that would have been funnier, from the POV of someone who ISN'T a "evil heathen creature."

Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :

I dunno. I've a bigger bone to pick with attorneys and used car salesmen than with priests. Priests are not in my chain of command. The first two categories, however, include professions I have had to deal with from time to time. The only thing attorneys have going for them that used car salesmen don't is that sometimes they're working for you.

--Baloo

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Jesus saves.
Moses invests.
--Bumper Sticker
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/