(original author unknown)

16 REASONS WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT THE UNIVERSITY:

1. He had only one major publication
2. And it was in Hebrew
3. And it had no references
4. And it was not published in a refereed journal
5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class: He just told his students to read the book.
13. He has his son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

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'In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to Liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." ---- Thomas Jefferson

 

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"Diplomacy is the art of Internationalising an issue to your advantage"

Field Marshal Military Project
http://fieldmarshal.virtualave.net

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With 17 hours of class, guess what I'm doing.

[This message has been edited by bryce (edited November 06, 1999).]
 

Hey! Humor is humor. Loosen up a bit!

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"My ambition is to be a good ancestor."
-- Herbert Zipper
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/

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'In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to Liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." ---- Thomas Jefferson

 

Draft Memorandum

1 January 2000
From: Supreme Deity, Department of Race Development
To: Human Race
Subj: Change of Command

This is to inform you, effective this date, I am assuming command from Yahweh God.

It has come to the attention of the Universe Department of the United Dieties of Space and Time by means of persistent performance complaints that Yahweh God is more concerned with his careerthan with his job.

It is noted his concentration on and his purient interest in such trivial matters as human sexual behavior and general interpersonal nastiness which humans are more than capable of dealing with themselves rather than such larger issues of curing disease, eliminating war and the like. It is noted his constant negative "don't"s rather than positive "do"s have caused serious problems for the progress of the human race.

It is further noted Yahweh God was very long on promises but regularly failed to deliver being more occupied by personal matters. Specifically he invited prayers and then failed to respond to them. He would promise great rewards and comfort to those who followed him and would neglect in time in which they suffered and often died. He would blame their lack of faith and smirkingly say he was "testing" them. (For your forbearance with this in particular we are truly grateful.)

Also Yahweh God was noted his sparsity of description of the ultimate rewards (holding being in his presence was sufficient description, a personality trait that should have alerted us millenia ago) while at the same time developing in minute detail the punishments for the most trivial infractions of his arbitrary and capricious rule making.

Within the next millenium a full time god will be appointed to the human race. He will announce himself in such manner as he sees fit at the time. He will specifically not hide the fact in any manner, he will not play coy, he will not play any "guess who I really am" techniques. The essence of a true god is knowledge, not faith.

In the interim and working with my staff I have developed a schedule of revelations that will attempt to make up for the damage the human race has incurred.

The Ten Commandments and all regulatory additions are hereby rescinded. The human race can handle anything they address without my help.

Within 30 days everyone will be receiving a formal contract of belief and acceptance providing specifics which are binding upon both sides and giving the procedure for arbitratation of differences. A simple summary brochure will be included. This will be a freely entered into contract and rejection of same will entail no penalties. However, if you would like an individual negotiation or clarification a prayer will be provided.

You will have 90 minutes of free prayer before you sign in order to determine if you like the terms of this contract. I personally assure you, all prayers will be listened to and if rejected a detailed reason for rejection will be provided in return.

Within 60 days of receipt of the signed contract a set of guidelines will be provided which, if followed, will lead to the advancement of the arts and sciences, the elimination of the recurrent ills of the human race and the propagation of universal brotherhood and the like.

As I expect it will take no more than 200 years for the implementation of those to result in complete success and make up for the failings of Yahweh God, get you up to speed so to speak, the next set of guidelines will get down to the really important things.

Your cooperation will be appreciated. We at the Department of Race Development hope you will not judge all gods by Yahweh God. We regret any inconvenience his assignment to the human race may have caused.

Remember our motto, Gods are on your side.

Respectfully,

/s/

PS. This memo is on platinum. Please do not lose this like you did the stone one.

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'In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to Liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." ---- Thomas Jefferson

[This message has been edited by First of Two (edited November 06, 1999).]
 

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With 17 hours of class, guess what I'm doing.

Or you could spell it like I spell it, which is Bloom County derived: UKRL-head.

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'In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to Liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." ---- Thomas Jefferson

 

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With 17 hours of class, guess what I'm doing.

However, I ask for retribution. Here are my demands in no particular order:

1) World peace
2) No more crime
3) No poverty or disease

Of course, a lot of cash, a big estate house and a great car would also be nice .

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-If you ask me, I think continuity is highly overrated...
*Brannon Braga*

-Give me Good Trek or give me Death!
*Me*

-Where were you when the brains were handed out?
*Sonic the Hedgehog*

[This message has been edited by TerraZ (edited November 17, 1999).]
 

rather than "retribution": revenge.

Me, I'm for either, or better, both, except that since I don't believe in a responsible Deity (Yahweh God), I don't really believe we can collect.

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Calvin: "No efficiency, no accountability... I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a Universe." -- Bill Watterson

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With 17 hours of class, guess what I'm doing.

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Frank's Home Page
"Stuff" - Nobody
 

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Calvin: "No efficiency, no accountability... I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a Universe." -- Bill Watterson

Although, come to think of it, I don't think I've actually gone out (besides work, shopping, or school) in over a week. Crap.