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Oh, goody, the Sea Monkeys I ordered have arrived. Heh heh heh, look at them cavort and caper.
~C. Montgomery Burns

And be sure to visit The Field Marshal project http://fieldmarshal.virtualave.net/
 

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694 consecutive rejections by women since January 1993.

Instead of Shit, say "Refridgerator" ("Oh refridgerator")

Instead of Fart say "Stinker" (You let a stinker)

Instead of Fuck say "bang" (What the bang are you talking about?)

Instead of hell, say "heck" (I've been to heck and back, and boy was it hot!)

You could have as much fun with the fake words as you could with the real ones.

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Look at the past few years:
Jimmy Carter: Who we kidding, Valium Posterchild. We go to:
Ronald Reagan, Howdy Doody Sr. If it keeps getting benign, we might end up with:
Mr. Rogers, "Can you say Armageddon? Oops, too late." Or we can get macho and have:
Jack Nicholson vs. Clint Eastwood, Shortest debate in history, all Jack will have to say is "How can you debate me, you haven't opened your goddammed eyes in twenty years."
 

But somethimes, it's fun to start ranting & raving away in a language a few friends & I created about 12 years ago; we made it very "metaphor intensive," so a lot of times I end up sounding like Alonzo Richter from "Prime Directive"--"GOD, it smells like a flarg heap in here! Can't someone turn on the f'graakt air conditioning?!?"

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"Do you know how much YOU'RE worth??.....2.5 million Woolongs. THAT'S your bounty. I SAID you were small fry..." --Spike Spiegel
 

No, those stupid near swear words are, well, stupid. Everyone knows what you mean, so why exactly arne't you just saying the porper words? If it's infront of kids, fair enough, although you shouldn't even be saying pseudo-swear words then, and they probably know them all anyway. But saying them infront of adults is involving some strange kkind of double-think isn't it?

Although I do hate people who swear every other word. Especially if it's the same swear word. I make an effort to rotate mine. And be creative. Instead of calling someone a "fucker", call him a "horse-fucker". More inventive, and personal.

Oh, and what's the point of writing "st!t"? We know you mean shit. Who are you protecting? Little kids who might have stumbled onto this site, who'll say "Hmm, what is shexclamation-markt anyway?"

Arr, you're all a bunch of wet-nosed, flagpole riding, granny muff-diving, hairy arsed bunch of fecking eejits anyway.

(some of those belong to Daryus, and should not be used without his permission. Natch. Bugger.)

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"I can't believe we're actually gonna meet Guru Lou. Everyone says he's the wisest man in the universe. He's sensitive, creative, has a great sense of humour, and he's a really smooth dancer. *giggles*"
"You're confused Polly. We're not meeting Paul Newman."
- Polly & Speedy; Samurai Pizza Cats
 

Abuse

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"Do you know how much YOU'RE worth??.....2.5 million Woolongs. THAT'S your bounty. I SAID you were small fry..." --Spike Spiegel
 

On a slightly more serious note, English has so few commonly-used offensive words it's absurd. We'd need at least 20-30 to make it interesting. Of course, I never swear anyway.

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Frank's Home Page
"Canadian bacon is called that because it's made from Canadians. And while I'm on the subject, could you people cut back on the fish and rodents and eat more fruits and berries? It would vastly improve your flavor, in my opinion." - Simon Sizer
 

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If a diamond is a woman's best friend, why does a man has to settle for a dog?

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Frank's Home Page
"Canadian bacon is called that because it's made from Canadians. And while I'm on the subject, could you people cut back on the fish and rodents and eat more fruits and berries? It would vastly improve your flavor, in my opinion." - Simon Sizer
 

I've always preferred more loquatious forms of swearing, with appropriate metaphorical speech. Shakespeare did it well, as have others.

Truly good swearing is rare, and can approach art in its fluidity, and vehemence. I knew a master of this in college. I'm not even in the same class. You festering gob of diseased toejam. You wart-encrusted, ill-concieved, inconsequential pustule!

I work a great deal with children, so I must unfortunately censor myself a great deal, especially when, as I so often do, I hurt myself, say, by banging a shin sharply on a part of my desk. Thusly:
"GREAT googily-moogily! E chu tha! Yeow, gazinga!" (prize to the first to indentify the sources of the previous three utterances)

Of course, sometimes I end up sounding like Yosemete Sam.. but those are the razzum-frazzum, muzzum-fruzzum breaks.

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"Nobody knows this, but I'm scared all the time... of what I might do, if I ever let go." -- Michael Garibaldi

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"To disarm the people [is] the best and most effectual way to enslave them."
- George Mason, American Statesman and Author of the Virginia Declaration of Rights (1776)

 

Let's try, from least to most offensive:

1. Damn
2. Hell
(both pretty harmless. And no-one says "heck" over here)

3. Feck
(old Irish word. Used on Father Ted a lot. Some Irish say that although it isn't related to "fuck", being the canny people that they are, they realise it sounds the same, and use it in similar situations, although it isn't as offensive. "ya fecking fecker", and so on".)

4. Bugger
(Despite coming from something quite nasty, the expression "oh, bugger it" is fairly harmless, and used by many old people".)

5. Pillock
6. Git
7. Sod
8. Prat

(mainly English insults, with slightly different meaings. "Prat" being someone whose stupid, for example, whereas "sod" is someone who is puposfully nasty. "git" is also used in the more friendly "jammy git", to denote someone whose lucky)

9. Arse
(comedy version of "bugger". ie, "oh, arse!". Belolved of old BBC sitcoms. Also "stop talking out of your arse" is common. No-one says "ass" in Britain, unless they are cretins.)

10. Slag
(used to insult females, usually those who sleep around, or just dress really tartily. Amusingly, one of the original Dinobots was called "Slag". And even more amusingly, it was used in Beast Wars as a made-up all-purpose swear-word, like "Smeg" in Red Dwarf. However, because it is a real swear-word in Britain, it got cut out of UK showings of Beast Wars.)

11. Crap
(used mainly in England to denote something that's bad, ie "this new game is a complete piece of crap", in the US it seems to have taken on a slightly different meaning, and become a less offensive version of "shit", ie, "holy crap, is it hot in here!". Apparently, it can be said on TV.)

12. Piss
(mainly used to denote peeing. "I have to piss". Also used when someone is making fun. "You're taking the micky/Michael/piss". And when something's ruined "he pissed all over my chances of winning that prize". Also when someone is very annoyed "he's pissed!", and when someone's drunk "He's completely pissed out of his head".)

13. Tits
(The visible fun areas of women. Occasionally used as an insult "he's acting like a complete tit.")

14. Knob
(Has fallen out of use a bit recently. Refers to a man's mighty trumpet. And when someone's acting like an idiot "Jeff's been a real knob lately."

15. Bollocks
(Multiple meanings. Sometimes used when someones talking rubbish "your talking bollocks mate", it's also used as a replacememnt for "shit", ie "oh, bollocks, I left the oven on", and strangely, to mean something is actually really good "you should go and see that movie. It's the bollocks!" Can also have the word "dog's" put in front, which usually means it's bad)

16. Twat
(Another insult, often for when someone does or says something stupid, "oh my god, you complete twat". Most people think that it's just a variation on "twit", and so you can often get away with saying it in front of your mothers. It does actually refer to the female front-bottom though, so becareful that you don't get caught by someone who has read the dictionary.)

17. Wanker
(Apart form it's literal meaning of "someone who wanks", "wanker" is also a general purpose insult. "Partridge, you wanker!" Best used when shouted.)

18. Tosser
(Variation on the above, "Someone who tosses", or "Partridge, you tosser!")

19. Bastard
(Pity the poor child born out of wedlock, for he is a bastard before he's even said anything.)

20. Bitch
(female dog, but also used as a female version of "bastard", but with implies a more intentional nastiness. "That bitch had better keep her hands off of my husband.")

21. Shit
(one of the most common swear-words, and the last before you get to the more offensive ones. Denotes that something is rubbish "It's shit", "You're shit", "they're shit". Also commonly used to indicate a number two/dumb/poo, as both a noun and a verb "I have to go take a shit", "Look at that horse's shit", "look at that horse shit!".)

22. Shite
(variation in "shit", fairly common in England. Used more as a dexriptive word that as an exclamation. "What did I think of Episode 1? Shite. Shite from start to finish. With extra shite in the middle.")

23. Fuck
(offensive enough to get bleeped out of South Park. Mainly used as an all-pupose adjective. "That's fucking weak", "What's that fucking smell", "what the fuck is fucking going on". In serious danger of over-use in Essex. Also used to denote sex. "Do you fancy a fuck?", "I fucker her brains out", "oh Terrance, you're such a pig-fucker". For brilliant examples of creative use of this word, watch the South Park movie."

24. Cunt
(EXTREMEMLY offensive. So offensive a lot of Americans would rather pretend it doesn't exist, than know that God allowed such a rude word to be created in our word. Not even used in the South Park movie. It's THAT bad. Literally, refers to the woman's vagina, but also used as a harsh insult; "you, sir, are a complete cunt." If used carefully, it can shock whole crowds into silence. However, some people (again in Essex ) are known to over-use the word, thus diminishing it's effectiveness.)

There you go, 24 swear-words commonly used throughout the UK. It's not my fault that the US have got stuck on "bastard, "crap", "shit", and "fuck" to the exclusion of al the others.
I left out "smeg", because it was "invented" for Red Dwarf, although a few people do use it. Also "goit", which is an uncommon variation on "git", again used on "Red Dwarf". Oh, and "fart" and "boobs", because only babies would consider those swear-words.

I tried not to use regional ones. Those are all swear-words that pretty much everyone in the country recognises. I'm curious how many of them are used in Australia.

[This message has been edited by PsyLiam (edited July 09, 2000).]
 

I come from a long line of free-church folk (My great-grandfather was Levi Pethrus, if you've ever heard of him).
I, however, have not been brought up in the full sense of the word, although I like that side of my family, very much.

Anyhoo, I get constantly amazed when my religious half-brother uses semi-cussing.
See, he is in reality a pretty raw and vulgar guy, never missing a place to squeeze in a joke or being suggestive.
But his free-church upbringing has put a LOT of rules and inhibitions in him, so he puts about 80% of his brain-activity on finding a substitute-word every ten minutes he puts himself in a position to swear. He actually stops to think!

A parallel can be made about not being able to talk about "dirty" stuff. My other brother is a bit prude and can't stand if a conversation deals with genital parts, shit, bleeding, etc.
If the need is there but you feel ashamed and punish yourself mentally everytime you think of it (like cussing for my half-brother and dirty stuff for my real brother) the human mind will keep seeking out those thorns and make you stumble on it until you do something about it.
There are ways to make inhibited people embrace their "dark" side and becoming more whole. Much like how you treat phobias. In fact, I believe not permitting oneself to cuss IS a phobia, an anxiety or fear without reason.
I too react to exessive cussing but also at blatant substitutes. I think "lagom" is best!
(That's right! Swedish is one of four languages, including swahili, with an actual word for "just right"/sufficient. An extremely subjective word, of course.)

I guess that shows where I stand in all this.

Oh, and I believe the original phrase was "cursing", yes?

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Ready for the action now, Dangerboy
Ready if I'm ready for you, Dangerboy
Ready if I want it now, Dangerboy?
How dare you, dare you, Dangerboy?
How dare you, Dangerboy?
I dare you, dare you, Dangerboy...

�on Flux, "Thanatophobia"

[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited July 09, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited July 09, 2000).]
 

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The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start my love
And if you're strong enough, together we can take the world apart my love
 

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"I can't believe we're actually gonna meet Guru Lou. Everyone says he's the wisest man in the universe. He's sensitive, creative, has a great sense of humour, and he's a really smooth dancer. *giggles*"
"You're confused Polly. We're not meeting Paul Newman."
- Polly & Speedy; Samurai Pizza Cats
 

Depending on the time frame, there are quite a few others.
When I was in school, even the word Fart was treated as full blown swearing (which equaled Detention, and a call to my parents, which resulted in a "rod of correction"-induced red ass for the rest of the evening.) Same for balls/nuts/etc. Now kids are barely being punished for such words as Shit/Fuck.

TV has released its restrictions on most curse words. 30 years ago, it was rare enough just to hear Damn and Hell.
15 years ago, you could start hearing ass and Bastard
about four or five years ago, the Bitch, Dick, and anything on a scale less than Shit & Fuck.
when I was a child, the word Fuck meant an instant "R"
Rating. Now it is even in PG movies. This goes for Radio, as well.

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Look at the past few years:
Jimmy Carter: Who we kidding, Valium Posterchild. We go to:
Ronald Reagan, Howdy Doody Sr. If it keeps getting benign, we might end up with:
Mr. Rogers, "Can you say Armageddon? Oops, too late." Or we can get macho and have:
Jack Nicholson vs. Clint Eastwood, Shortest debate in history, all Jack will have to say is "How can you debate me, you haven't opened your goddammed eyes in twenty years."
 

He was also the first person (arguably) to say "fuck" at a funeral, when describing the deceased (Graham Chapman).

We need more people like him...

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"I can't believe we're actually gonna meet Guru Lou. Everyone says he's the wisest man in the universe. He's sensitive, creative, has a great sense of humour, and he's a really smooth dancer. *giggles*"
"You're confused Polly. We're not meeting Paul Newman."
- Polly & Speedy; Samurai Pizza Cats
 

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Look at the past few years:
Jimmy Carter: Who we kidding, Valium Posterchild. We go to:
Ronald Reagan, Howdy Doody Sr. If it keeps getting benign, we might end up with:
Mr. Rogers, "Can you say Armageddon? Oops, too late." Or we can get macho and have:
Jack Nicholson vs. Clint Eastwood, Shortest debate in history, all Jack will have to say is "How can you debate me, you haven't opened your goddammed eyes in twenty years."
 

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But the dead only quickly decay. They don't go about being born and reborn and rising and falling like souffle. The dead only quickly decay.
--
Gothic Archies
****
Read chapter one of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! For the love of God, Montressor!

 

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"Remeber, if there is a nuclear explosion, be sure to close your windows as the massive heat could cause objects within your home to catch fire".

Wise, wise words.

*hits Daryus*

And for your enjoyment, here's a transcript of a converstion me and Daryus had last week. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Are you drunk?
Or just in high spirits?
neither
you have to realise that I am a multi faceted person *L*
No shit huh )
Right. Doesn't that mean two-faced bastard in real-talk?
No
Twat
Prick.
girly man
lady-boy
gout sniffer
arse-licker
ooh yum
gramma muff diver
hairy-toed eeediot
Bogan
Elton-John lover
Now that's low you flagpole rider
You *ALAN* fucking fecker.
You're married to *ALAN* aren't you? The pair of you joined the north east atlantic pod last I heard

You actually gave birht to *ALAN*. Through your pink bits.
*ALAN* was actually concieved by your mamma. And a donkey
Your mamma is so ugly, *ALAN*is the only person she's ever got off with.
Hmm, actually you are mistaken, I believe your mamma got off with *ALAN* when he was 12
is incest a usual thing in your family?
It was until my mum met you, which wa enough to put her off men for life.
If you can be called a man, and not a great big walking balding carpet. That's fat.
well its true that I am a fat fat fat bastard, as you quite obiviously know
However there's something called the small penis gene, as I understand it no male of your family has ever had a cock longer than 3 cm
I beleive its the source of all problems they have with women
Ah, I see what you did. You converted Inches to cm's back to front. Thinking that there were 2 and a half inches to a cm. So you're right, with the 7.5 inch thing.
I think you are the confused one
brother of *ALAN*
No, you are.
Lover of *ALAN*.
OK I didn't want to pull out the big guns but you leave me no choice. If this does not shut you up nothing will. Sorry I had to do this, it's kinda like a death sentence, but....: You *BULGARIAN*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*breaths*OOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*hits crotch on a pipe*Ooh.
heheh =-)
Well said sir

We love each other really.

Hmm, think there's a competition in this?

[Edited by Daryus - Liam, you forgot to remove a critical name reference. Sometimes you are so stupid, I almost do believe you are Bulgarian. BTW Do you think Alan will catch on?]
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"I can't believe we're actually gonna meet Guru Lou. Everyone says he's the wisest man in the universe. He's sensitive, creative, has a great sense of humour, and he's a really smooth dancer. *giggles*"
"You're confused Polly. We're not meeting Paul Newman."
- Polly & Speedy; Samurai Pizza Cats

[This message has been edited by PsyLiam (edited July 14, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by PsyLiam (edited July 14, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Daryus Aden (edited July 15, 2000).]
 

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"Remeber, if there is a nuclear explosion, be sure to close your windows as the massive heat could cause objects within your home to catch fire".

Wise, wise words.

Pussy

A small cat. Not a swear word. Also refers to that same fun wet region as "twat". Used in "I'm gonna get me some pussy". Although that's more a brother saying. Bo. Has become a bit of a cliche in Britain thanks to jerry Springer.
Also used to refer to a coward/wimp. "Don't be such a pussy". Much omre common in Britain.

Cock

Men have them. They don't look nice. Mine is big. Looking at vacuum cleaners makes Kryten's go Double Polariod. Nuff said.
Also the expression "I've cocked up" roughtly translates to "Oh dear, I've mad a bit of a mess there, haven't I?"

Bloody

One of those swear words (like "Sod") that your dad uses. Refers to something covered in blood (obviously), but can also be used as a n all purpose adjetive to express annoyance. "Bloody Yanks. Bloody Barbeque. Bloody Nazi's. Bloody great cock" etc.

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"I can't believe we're actually gonna meet Guru Lou. Everyone says he's the wisest man in the universe. He's sensitive, creative, has a great sense of humour, and he's a really smooth dancer. *giggles*"
"You're confused Polly. We're not meeting Paul Newman."
- Polly & Speedy; Samurai Pizza Cats
 

Men have them. They don't look nice. Mine is big."

How nice for you. Mine's miniscule. Wanna trade?

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"Do you know how much YOU'RE worth??.....2.5 million Woolongs. THAT'S your bounty. I SAID you were small fry..." --Spike Spiegel
 

Just a few:

Camper: a sniper or just general lamer who sits in one annoying place and snipes at others in a FPS in an "unsportsman-like" manner, highly subjective

LPB and HPB: Low ping bastard and high ping bastard. Basically people with standard phone lines hate people with high bandwidth and low latency connections, its occasionally seen as "cheating".

uhhhh...mind freezing up. Ah screw it....someone else might remember more.

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Stealing from one author is called plagarism.
Stealing from many is called research.