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Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

Hey all! This is an excerpt from a short story I'm writing. I hope you like it.

"Computer."
"Working."
"Replay captain's log."
"Captain's Log, stardate 2490.1. The modifications to the Quantum Warp core are nearly finished. We should be underway in 17 hours. We are to rendez-vous with the Corin in 4 days. End log."
"Quantum Warp core?! What is that?"
"I'm not sure. They must have been building it. I think-"
Hastings was interrupted by a loud whining sound. The core was powering up.
At that moment, T'Mar was at her science station monitoring the raditation surrounding the Taurus whan she noticed the enormus power surge from the core.
"Captain, I'm reading an impossibly large power surge coming from the Taurus."
"What?! That's impossible! Taidon to McCluskey! Ed, get the hell out of there!"
McCluskey never heard him. The whining from the core was too loud. The whining came over the comm channel to the Secora's bridge and nearly deafened the crew before T'Mar closed the channel.
The Taurus started alligning itself in space while a blue-white light was crackling across her hull. There was a flash of bright blue-white light and the Taurus was gone.
"What just happened?" asked Taidon.
"Uncertain, sir. Captain Gregory is hailing you," replied T'Mar.
"Put her on."
"What the hell just happened? What happened to the Taurus?"
"We're not sure."
"Was anyone on board?"
"Yes. Commanders McCluskey and Hastings."
"We have to find them. Let's scan the immediate area and see where they ended up."
"Somehow I don't think we'll find them around here."

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U.S.S. Infiltrator NCC-75235
www.geocities.com/Area51/Quadrant/4930
"I like the carpet. I really do!"
-Julian Bashir

[This message was edited by Fabrux on June 08, 1999.]

[This message was edited by Fabrux on June 12, 1999.]

Posted by Warped1701 (Member # 40) on :

Not bad, but it would be nice if we had a little background story to go on. When is this taking place? Where is it?

Typically, Captain's do not say "Out" at the end of a log entry. They finish up with a final thought, and leave it at that.

I'm assuming the ship that ran away had a quantum slipstream drive. How did Starfleet get the technology to make something that sophisticated?

One more thing, it seems to me that everything is running together. Try and break the text up a bit, because right now you need to read it 2 or 3 times to begin to understand what's going on. Hope you appreciate the critique.

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"Angels and Ministers of Grace, defend us"
-Hamlet, Act I, Scene IV

Posted by Siegfried (Member # 29) on :

I'll agree with Warped1701's comments and add my own: I'm interested in reading the final product. Keep us posted about it.

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"Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Yeah! Some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice. Whoo hoo! 'Cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love!" - Steve Miller Band's The Joker

Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :

Captains either end with a thought as Warped1701 suggested, or they say "End Log".

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The public has spoken. Common sense has prevailed. We have been returned what was wrongly taken away from us. All hail COCO POPS!!

Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

Well, I just changed the text. It's gonna be a while before it's up on the net anywheres, considering the hard copy is 14 3/4 pages already, and I'm not finished it yet. And it's Quantum Warp Drive, not Quantum Slipstream Drive. I really can't tell you much more than that, becuase it'll spoil the story for ya'll. All I can say is that a temporal anomaly is involved.

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U.S.S. Infiltrator NCC-75235
www.geocities.com/Area51/Quadrant/4930
"I like the carpet. I really do!"
-Julian Bashir

[This message was edited by Fabrux on June 12, 1999.]

Posted by Federation Shipmaster (Member # 15) on :

I would have a much higher stardate number, maybe around 56000 or so.

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What bloke invented signatures?