Episode 5: Whose Series Is It, Anyway?

"Captain's Log. Having successfully defeated the plans of my three evil temporal clones, Captain Janeway has invited my crew and I to a get-together in Voyager's mess hall. Stupid Janeway... I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!"

"Braxton, I'm right here..."

"Oh... So you are, Captain Janeway... Expresso?"

"Don't you dare try to weasel out of... Did you say expresso? Mmm... Expresso..."

"That's a good girl... Why don't you go and drink your expresso in your ready room?"

"Mmm... Expresso in ready room..."

"Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! I would refuse her offer, but given that I haven't eaten so far this series, I figure I probably should..."

***

Meanwhile, the Braxton Bunch was still crammed into the Aeon, travelling between timeframes.

"If A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! Just get on with it!"

"Oh, well, the crews of the Voyager and the Relativity managed to foil our evil plan!"

"Argh! Well, I suppose we'll have to come up with a new evil plan..."

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Shut up and start thinking!"

***

Meanwhile, the novelty of being captainless was quickly wearing off for the Excelsior crew...

"Aye, sir... Ahead warp factor five..."

Rand whipped out a phaser. "Say that one more time, and I'll vaporize you!"

"Aye, sir... Ahead warp factor five..."

0.47 seconds later, the lifelike Sulu replicant was nothing more than a pile of ashes.

"We have to get Captain Sulu back!"

Valtane thought for a few seconds. "We could slingshot around the sun into the future... We could use the Guardian of Forever... We could..."

"How about we just push this button that says 'time travel?'"

"Oh... Well, I guess we could try that..."

***

Back in the 24th Century, the crews of the Voyager and the Relativity were standing around in Voyager's mess hall making idle chit-chat. Braxton, Ducane, and Seven stood together discussing the recent events.

Ducane offered a toast. "Here's to keeping the timeline safe from people like Braxton."

"No, I believe that the toast should be to keeping the timeline safe from people like me..."

Seven turned to Ducane. "Don't you get tired of him doing that?"

"Yeah, but I've tried everything..."

"No, you've tried everything..."

Seven quickly got behind Braxton and got him in a headlock. "You have not tried everything." She sunk her nanoprobe tubes into Braxton's neck.

"Uh, you're not assimilating him or anything, are you?"

"I should think not... Just a little Pavlovian experiment..."

Seven retracted the tubes. "There... I have completed the procedure."

"No, I think you have completed AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ducane raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. "What did you do to him?"

Seven smiled. "I programmed my nanoprobes to build an implant in his brain that will give him a mild shock every time he does that."

Captain Sulu then came up to the three. "Captain Braxton, I think it's about time for you to take me back to my ship, so that I can get on with my series."

Braxton scowled. "Sulu, you don't even know if its your series!"

"Well, whose series would it be?"

"Mine! I've been in every episode so far!"

"Yeah, well, if the Excelsior were here, I'd show you a thing or three!"

As if on cue, the Excelsior popped into existance right where everyone in the mess hall could see it.

Sulu laughed evilly. "Bwahahahaha! It's time to take control of my series! Sulu to Excelsior, beam me aboard!"

Sulu disappeared in a blue stream of light.

Braxton tapped his communicator. "Braxton to all Relativity crew! Prepare to return to the ship! We're about to be under attack!"

As soon as everyone was back on the Relativity, Braxton hailed the Excelsior. "Sulu, don't make us attack you!"

Sulu's face came onscreen. "Because if you destroy us, you'll mess up the timeline?"

"No, because if we destroy you, we'll AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

While Braxton was writhing in agony, Ducane stepped up to the viewscreen. "I have a better idea as to how we can solve the question as to whose series it is."

"Oh, really? What's that?"

"Well, most episodes end with a shot of the series' ship. We'll just send our ships in different directions, and whichever ship the camera follows is the ship whose series it is."

"Hmm... That's just crazy enough to work! Okay, I'll do it!"

So, the Relativity and the Excelsior started heading off in opposite directions. It took a while, but the camera eventually started the Relativity.

Sulu began screaming. "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Valtane rolled his eyes. "Braxton, sir..."

"Right... BRAAAAAAXTOOOOOOOOON!"

The Relativity opened a channel to the Excelsior. Braxton's face appeared. "Well, Sulu, it's not your series, so you might as well go back to your own time. Unless..."

Sulu stopped crying. "Unless?"

"Well, it appears that for some unexplained reason, my ship is lacking senior officers. There's just me and Ducane. That reminds me... Ducane, what exactly is your position?"

"I don't know, sir. I never saw 'Relativity.'"

"Me neither. I guess I'll make you my first officer, since you seem to know everyone's names. Anyway, Sulu, we need a helmsman..."

Sulu talked it over with himself. "Lousy job or no job? Lousy job or no job? Uh... Okay, I accept!"

He turned to his crew. "So long, losers!" And Sulu was promptly beamed to the Relativity.

The Relativity then disappeared from the time-space continuum.

Rand and Valtane stood stupified on the Excelsior's bridge. Rand finally sat down in the captain's chair. "Well, I guess there's only one thing to do now..."

"Go back to our own time?"

"No, plot our revenge against Braxton and Sulu! Bwhahahaha..."

The End

(Begin Voyager Promo Voice) Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, Captain Braxton raises the dead in a blatant attempt to boost ratings! (End Voyager Promo Voice)

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"Time is but a window. Death is but a door. I'll be back."

- Vigo the Carpathian, Ghostbusters II.

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"Good. I'll look forward to your report, Mr. Broccoli."
-Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, TNG: "Hollow Pursuits"
 

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"Replicate some marmalade, Commander - helm control is toast!"

[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited April 04, 2000).]