Flare Sci-Fi Forums: After weeks of writing....

This is topic After weeks of writing.... in forum Designs, Artwork, & Creativity at Flare Sci-Fi Forums.

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Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

I finally have the Star Trek: Leeds pilot finished and online. I started it a while ago, and like most writing that I start, it started to get less and less attention. But I finall finished it and hopefully the following episodes will come out quicker. So, go check it out!

Star Trek: Leeds

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"Keep on Trekking"
-D. Kelly

[This message has been edited by Fabrux (edited April 27, 2000).]

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

The Following contains spoilers, related to the above story. I'm going to be brutally honest here, mm'k? Don't take it personally, or be discouraged.

Neat and crisp, at the start. Nice humor. Some of the speech patterns were a bit unrealistic. I really don't see a Captain saying 'bummer' during his first staff meeting .

Also, some minor nitpicks. You wrote that it was half an hour from the Bajoran Sector to Cardassia Prime...?I think not.

Could someone have gone so far into the Cardassian Union with an entire fleet without being detected? No way!

Also, I doubt that the Cardassians would have had so few ships left. There were well over 20 planets and colonies in the Union, they'd have a few hundred ships remaining. (IMHO!)

I found the negotiations between the Thullinar and Martin a bit too blunt and tired. I didn't like the relationship with Joral. Some of the political references didn't make sense...

However I especially liked your portrayal of Garak, right on the mark. This can definitely go somewhere, keep writing!

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"Blind faith is the crutch of fools"

[This message has been edited by Daryus Aden (edited April 28, 2000).]

Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

What's wrong with the relationship? And the Breen made a big mess when they left, so I think they might have destroyed listening posts, etc so that the Cardassians' enemies could attack easily...

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"Keep on Trekking"
-D. Kelly

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

This could also be "a bit" blunt. And spoily!

Firstly, it feels unethical for the captain to trash his former crew, calling Chaplan an asshole and Rogerson a drunk. Then he promotes the others! He sure had picked his favourites!
Besides the whining, he acts like the bad atmosphere and probably broken chain of command in the past had NOTHING to do with his failure as a captain. Sounds like he has experience in shifting the blame. You sure it wasn't the USS Caine?

There's a LOT of presentations all the time, maybe you could compact them more, like "after everyone had gotten acquainted..."

I like the Garak-element but he'd hardly confide to a complete stranger about the breen-situation just like that. Sounds like he's also trying to shift the blame.
I mean, they DID make a pact with the devil.

After the first briefing you skipped ahead 13 days. I would've liked to see that get-together the captain promised. That would've been chemistry!

The whole action-scene was basically a "Give me the gun, Sarah! Shooting this scum won't bring your daughter back!" But I guess it still works.

All in all, a bit "90210", but a promising ship with a great many conflicts and by the sound of it, many sex-scenes (if the sec.-officer kisses the captain on their first mission), but as for character development it seems the captain is the one with a lot of growing-up to do.

PS I want to make it clear that I don't mean to compare Captain Chris Martin with the REAL one, so no offence intended.

There, that wasn't so bad was it?

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-It's a free society, except there's nothing free,
there's no guarantees y'know, you're on your own.
It's like, "law of the jungle"!

-Keva Rosenberg

[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited April 29, 2000).]

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Daryus, what did you mean by political references, with an El-Aurian kissing a "romulan"?

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-It's a free society, except there's nothing free,
there's no guarantees y'know, you're on your own.
It's like, "law of the jungle"!

-Keva Rosenberg

Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

Wow. You guys really picked this one apart....

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"Keep on Trekking"
-D. Kelly

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

That's what we're here for!
And I trust you all to do the same when I share my work.

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-It's a free society, except there's nothing free,
there's no guarantees y'know, you're on your own.
It's like, "law of the jungle"!

-Keva Rosenberg

Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

I guess I'm just not used to all this criticism. People don't usually criticise my stuff anymore...

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"Keep on Trekking"
-D. Kelly

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

If no one said anything, you'd never get better, and seeing as you're pretty good right now, you can only improve even more.

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"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
-Mark Twain

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

Oops. Those two comments are unrelated, I just forgot to make a new paragraph.

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"Blind faith is the crutch of fools"