Episode 36: The Mighty Winn

Down in the depths of Bajor's fire caves, a mysterious figure cackled in the dark. "Soon, this entire universe will be mine! Mwahahahaha!"

A familiar voice from way way way down inside a bottomless pit reacted to her laughing. Hey, is somebody up there?

"Yes! Are you a pah-wraith?"

No, it's just me, the Mysterious Red Button! After over half a season, I'm still falling!

"Oh... Well, do you want me to get you out of there?"

Not really! I'm still hoping to catch up to the e-Book of the Kosst Amojan!

"Why do that when I have the print version right here?" And with that, the figure held up the Book of the Kosst Amojan!

Oh, well, in that case... Yes! Get me out of here!

***

"Captain's Log: Following an unfortunate accident involving Damar, six cases of Romulan ale, and the hyperwarp core, we have been forced to dock at the Antares Ship Yards for repairs."

Braxton and Damar stood in front of the hyperwarp core while swarms of engineers worked on it. Damar, who was quite hungover after the experience, was holding a bag of ice on his head while apologizing. "I am so sorry about all of this... So sorry..."

Braxton shook his head in disgust. "Do you have any idea how much work it will take to clean the core?"

"Yes, sir..."

"No, really, I don't know. I'm asking you how long it'll take to clean the core."

"Oh, not much longer, sir."

"Well, good. As soon as you're done, we're enrolling you in AAA."

"The car towing service?"

"No, Astro-Alcoholics Anonymous."

Yar walked into Engineering holding a PADD in her hand, which she gave to Braxton. "We just received this transmission from Admiral Picard, sir. You'd better read it."

Braxton read the message. "Hmm, apparantly the admiral thinks there might be another temporal fugitive in the area. We are to proceed to Bajor as soon as repairs as complete."

Damar cheered. "Woohoo!"

"Shut up, Damar! We'll enroll you in AAA after the mission."

"Aw..."

***

Meanwhile, back in the fire caves, the Mysterious Red Button finally emerged from the bottomless pit. Okay, I've established who I am, but who are you?

The figure lit a torch, revealing her identity. "I am Kai Winn Adami!"

Hey... You can't fool me! I happen to know for a fact that my subhenchman Gul Dukat vaporized Winn centuries ago! You can't be her!

"Can too!"

Can not!

"Can too!"

Can not!

"Shut up!" And with that, Winn zapped the Mysterious Red Button with a bolt of red energy.

Okay, okay... Well, if you are Winn, how are you here?

"Shortly after you had yourself thrown into the bottomless pit, the Excelsior crew escaped and attempted to destroy the galaxy with a temporal superweapon. Instead of destroying the galaxy, though, the shockwave opened portals to alternate timelines."

And you are from such an alternate timeline?

"Yes. In your timeline, Dukat destroyed me, and Sisko and Dukat fell into the bottomless pit. In my timeline, I destroyed Dukat, and I threw Sisko into the bottomless pit."

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but shouldn't you be over 500 years old?

"The power of the pah-wraiths keeps me young. Of course, there's not much use for being young when everyone else in the universe got destroyed by the pah-wraiths centuries ago..."

So... I suppose you're going to release the pah-wraiths of this timeline?

"Yup. Destroying universes is just what I do."

Cool! Want to be partners?

"Sure, why not."

Excellent. Where's Elmo, anyway? I want to have some fun kicking him around.

"He joined the Excelsior crew. The same shockwave that opened the portals also threw their ship into the Babylon 5 universe."

The Babylon 5 universe? Those poor saps...

"Tell me about it..."

How do you know all this stuff, anyway?

"I read previous episodes to prepare for my role."

Ah...

***

After finishing up with the repairs, the Relativity finally made it to Bajor. Sulu made the last few course corrections. "Sir, we're now in orbit around Bajor."

Braxton, however, shook his head. "No, no, no! We're landing the ship this time, Sulu!"

"This ship can land?"

"Of course it can land! What do you think those tiny little retractable legs that look way too frail to support the ship do, anyway?"

"Well, okay, sir... I'll land the ship..."

So, Sulu piloted the ship into Bajor's main spaceport. The landing was smooth... Then the ship shook horribly for a second. Braxton yelled out, "What happened, Sulu!"

"You remember those tiny retractable legs that look way too frail to support the ship?"

"Yeah..."

"They are too frail to support the ship."

"Oh... Well, I guess we won't be doing that again...."

And so, the senior staff got out of the Relativity. A huge crowd was gathered outside. Braxton quieted everyone down. "What's going on here?"

Everyone pointed towards the ship. The senior staff turned around and looked. Apparantly, when the landing struts snapped, the Relativity had fallen on someone. The only part of that someone that hadn't been flattened was his or her two feet.

Braxton fell to his knees. "This is terrible!"

Ducane nodded. "Yes, the loss of a life is always terrible, sir."

"No, not him, you idiot! My insurance! Can you imagine how much my premiums are going to skyrocket after something like this?"

Ducane turned to face the crowd. "We are so sorry this happened! So sorry! We'll find a way to make amends!"

One Bajoran from the crowd stepped forward and hushed the crowd again. "You're sorry? Why should you be? You killed the Cardassian Overlord of the East! You're heroes!"

Braxton came up beside Ducane. "Ducane, you know I'm no history expert, right?"

"That much is for certain, sir."

"But, I'm fairly sure that Bajor been free of Cardassian rule for centuries now."

"Yes, sir, that's true."

Ducane turned back to the crowd. "Bajor has been free of Cardassian rule for centuries now! Where'd the Overlord come from?"

The man who stepped forward said, "Well, this Cardassian guy came out of nowhere yesterday and said that he was taking over the eastern part of Bajor."

"Well, did he have ships or troops or something with him?"

"No, but we didn't want to take any chances. We were going to be his slaves until your ship crashed on him! We owe you our lives!"

Ducane turned back to Braxton. "This is extrememly silly, sir."

"Agreed."

Braxton addressed the crowd. "We need to see the First Minister of Bajor! Which way is he?"

The crowd parted, revealing a shiny path. The man who had stepped forward pointed at it and said, "This is the Latinum Brick Road. Follow it to get to the First Minister!"

"We have to walk? Don't you people have some sort of mass transit system?"

Ducane whispered in Braxton's ear, "I think we're in some sort of Wizard of Oz parody, sir. You'd better go along with it."

"Oh, very well. Wait... If this is a Wizard of Oz parody, should we take the boots off of the Cardassian Overlord of the East?"

"I don't think so, sir. Cardassians are galactically known for having horrible foot odor."

"Eew... That's more than I needed to know, Ducane. Very well, let's follow the Latinum Brick Road!"

***

Meanwhile, back in the fire caves, Kai Winn and the Mysterious Red Button were watching these events unfold in a giant crystal ball. Winn cackled. "So, Captain Braxton and his crew are here to send me back to my universe... We'll just see about that!"

I'd be careful if I were you. Yeah, they're utter and complete morons, but they somehow always manage to wind up on top.

"Perhaps... Perhaps not!"

And with that Winn waved her hands. Suddenly, a dozen or so winged monkeys appeared.

Winged monkeys?

"Yeah, we kind of have a Wizard of Oz thing going on this episode."

Yeah, but still... Surely we can get something better than winged monkeys?

"Hey, when you're the one with the evil powers, you can choose what kind of minions we can have!"

I have evil powers!

"Name one!"

I can send anyone that pushes me into the TAS universe!

"Big deal. Not only is that a stupid evil power, but you have to trick somebody into pushing you in order to use it!"

As the Mysterious Red Button began to weep over its relative uselessness, Winn sent out the winged monkeys to capture Braxton and his crew...

***

Captain Braxton knocked on the giant door to the First Minister's office. The door slowly opened, and everyone stepped inside. The room was gigantic. On the far side of the room, a gigantic head floated above the floor, with huge jets of fire streaming up every once in a while. The giant head spoke. "Step forward, Scarecrow!"

Braxton stepped forward. "Uh, sir, I'm Captain Braxton."

"Whatever. Anyway, you desire a brain?"

The rest of the Relativity crew nodded furiously and said in unison, "Yes! Yes, he does!"

Braxton turned back to his crew and gave them an evil look. "Just for that, all Enterprise spoilers are off limits to all of you!"

He turned back to the giant head. "Actually, sir, we were hoping you could tell us about the temporal fugitive here on Bajor."

The fire jets spurted. "Silence! The Great and Powerful First Minister knows why you have come! The one you seek is Kai Winn! She can be found in the fire caves!"

"Winn? Shouldn't she be dead by now?"

"Silence! Not only that, but she has joined forces with the Mysterious Red Button!"

"No, not that!"

"Yes, that!"

Braxton turned to his crew again. "Okay, everybody! Let's go get them!"

And thus, they left the office and headed to the fire caves...

***

On the way to the fire caves, Ducane suddenly spotted something in the sky. "Sir, it looks like something is heading towards us!"

Braxton squinted in the direction Ducane was pointing. "Hmm, it seems as though you are correct. Anybody got some binoculars or something?"

Yar whipped out a pair of binoculars. "I do, sir!"

"Excellent! Give whatever's heading towards us a look!"

Yar used the binoculars. "Sir, you're not going to believe this..."

"Sure, I will! What is it?"

"It's a flock of winged monkeys, sir."

"I don't believe you!"

"See for yourself, sir."

Braxton used the binoculars, and sure enough, they were winged monkeys. "I'll bet Winn sent them to get us! What should we do?"

Yar smiled. "I know, sir."

"You do?"

"Yes, sir. I have one thing that Dorothy never had."

"A set of binoculars?"

"Other than that!"

"Oh... What?"

"A Type 3 phaser rifle set to kill!"

And with that, Yar whipped out said phaser rifle and fried the winged monkeys. Braxton patted Yar on the back. "Great job, Yar!"

And so, they continued on their way to the fire caves through the charred winged monkey skeletons...

***

Back in the fire caves, Winn had begun the incantation that would release the pah-wraiths. The Mysterious Red Button looked on in glee as the bottomless pit suddenly became filled with flames. At last, the universe will be destroyed! Mwahahahahaha!

Suddenly, the Relativity crew ran inside with weapons drawn. Winn merely laughed. "How about a little fire, Braxton?"

"That depends... Do we get to roast marshmallows with it?"

"No."

"Well then, no, I wouldn't like a little fire."

"Too bad!" And with that, Winn started launching fireballs towards towards the crew. Everyone managed to find some cover behind some rocks.

Where Ducane was hiding, he found a small spring. He scooped up some water in his hands, dodged Winn's fireballs, and splashed her. Winn was horrified. "I'm melting! Melting!"

The Mysterious Red Button would have rolled its eyes, had it any eyes to roll. You're not melting, you idiot!

Winn, however, was far too hysterical to hear anything. "Melting! What a world..."

Braxton tapped his communicator. "Braxton to Relativity. Open a chronometric singularity at these coordinates!"

Seconds later, Winn was sucked back to her universe. Braxton approached the Mysterious Red Button. "So, what are we going to do with you?"

Uhm... Let me finish the incantation and release the pah-wraiths?

"I'm guessing that's a bad thing, so no."

Push me?

"Nope."

Throw me back into the bottomless pit?

"That sounds good."

So, Braxton picked up the Mysterious Red Button, console and all, and threw him back into the bottomless pit. After letting Yar use the Book of the Kosst Amojan as target practice until it had been phasered out of existance, everyone beamed back up to the ship...

***

quote:

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Captain's Log: Following an unfortunate accident involving Damar, six cases of Romulan ale, and the hyperwarp core, we have been forced to dock at the Antares Ship Yards for repairs."

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