posted
Gravie sent me these. Some are actually good advice.
Woman's Instruction Book
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.
So many men-so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.
You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him chequebooks.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night,"
Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practising.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."
Gravie assures me the male equivalent to the above list should show up tomorrow.
--Baloo
------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. --Unknown www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
------------------ "...when all that is driving my heart forward is you, thoughts of you, hopes for you, and a fading dream with a Mona Lisa smile that whispers "are you thinking of me too?"
posted
Gravie must have real-life obligations to deal with. Here, instead, are some "Wife jokes" he sent a while ago. I converted some of them (when possible) into "Woman jokes). Not as good as what was promised, but sometimes life is like that.
All dissatisfied customers will receive a cash refund.
[NO REFUNDS WILL BE GIVEN WITHOUT A VALID RECEIPT.]
All women are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Be careful when looking for "Miss Right". Be sure her first name isn't "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called "Wedding Cake".
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
SuffeRing.
Our last fight was my fault: She asked "What's on the TV?"
My answer? "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son".
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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