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Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain (e.g., $2.5M to some old broad stupid enough to put hot coffee in her--uh--lap while driving). From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame".
The following are their accounts ...
Kentucky (where else?) : Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)
South Carolina : A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana : A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England : A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Germany : Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
(Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying to ...)
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown) : A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown) : A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)
(Location Unknown) : A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia : Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown) : A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars
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I am not responsible for the stupidity of other people.
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"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
-Mark Twain
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7 alarm clock: "Do not touch me."
Dilbert: "Then how do I turn you off?"
7: "Believe me, I am plenty turned off."
Thanks. I needed that.
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"We adjust to anything. That�s the good news, and that�s what keeps the bad news coming."
--James Lileks
Come Hither and Yawn...
Location Unknown: A man tries to siphon off some gasoline from an RV. During the process, he accidently siphons off too much and some of it ends up in his mouth. The RV's owner see's what's happening and gives chase. The crook gets away, but not until the owner follows a trail of vomit and sees the crook in an alley, puking his guts out. Turns out that the crook did not siphon gasoline from the fuel tank, but RAW SEWAGE from the waste tank!!!!
Gotta love "America's Dumbest Criminals".........
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"My Name is Elmer Fudd, Millionaire. I own a Mansion and a Yacht."
Psychiatrist: "Again."
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7 alarm clock: "Do not touch me."
Dilbert: "Then how do I turn you off?"
7: "Believe me, I am plenty turned off."
Two schmoes were unable to get tickets to a concert in Georgia. After drinking several beers each, they decide to sneak in. The first guy jumps the fence, but didn't realize that there was a 30 foot drop on the other side. He became stuck in a tree BY HIS PANTS on the way down. In all his genius, he took off his pants, falling from the tree, onto a holy bush, of which a branch thereof went up his rectum. His friend, hearing the poor schmoes screams for help, threw a rope down to him and tied the other end to his truck. The truck, which was in reverse, backed through the fence, falling on man number 1 and killing him. Man number 2 was thrown from the vehicle and was subsequently killed.
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Brandon "Enterprise" Grasmick
Commanding Officer, USS Sovereign (NX-74222)
"Captain, the Sona crew are willing to negotiate a cease fire. It may have something to do with the fact that we have 3 minutes of air left."
-- Worf
Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges
-- In time of war the law falls silent.
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7 alarm clock: "Do not touch me."
Dilbert: "Then how do I turn you off?"
7: "Believe me, I am plenty turned off."
Oh, BTW, "People are stupid" isn't a theory: it's my life philosophy. :-)
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Jay Leno: "In the story of 'Jack and the Beanstalk', what did the goose lay?"
"Bosco": "Everybody."
-The Tonight Show, "Jaywalking"
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"Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves."
-- William Pitt
Come Hither and Yawn...
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Jay Leno: "In the story of 'Jack and the Beanstalk', what did the goose lay?"
"Bosco": "Everybody."
-The Tonight Show, "Jaywalking"
I prefer to be thought of as a "Differently-dimensioned persun of Ursine extraction", thank-you-very-much!
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"Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves."
-- William Pitt
Come Hither and Yawn...
[This message has been edited by Baloo (edited February 19, 2000).]
About two years ago, a man walked into the Police Station, asking if he could stay there for the night. The desk officer ran a check on him, and found that he was wanted for rape. He got the night in jail that he wanted, although for a different reason.
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"Sorry Wendy, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
Mr Garrison