Flare Sci-Fi Forums: To the citizens of the United States of America

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Posted by Charles Capps (Member # 9) on :

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

I can't take credit for the above, unfortunately...

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"Uh, Cody, what has the Mullah of Cappistan been smoking?"
"MILKSHAKES. I HAVE BEEN SMOKING MILKSHAKES!"

Posted by Teelie (Member # 280) on :

And if we say no?

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[6th Sense] I see dumbass people [/6th Sense]

Posted by Diane (Member # 53) on :

*LMAO!!* This is great!

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"The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
--Albert Eistein

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

I notice there's no mention of which side of the road to drive on. :-)

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

You can have my Jeep when you pry me out of its cold, dead, driver's seat!!!!!!

::Mumble, grumble ... German car my fuckin' ass, Jeeps won the war, dammit ... grumble::

[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited November 17, 2000).]

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

I've read this, didn't think it was funny then, don't think it was funny now. Probably written by some annoying European. I think Liam wrote it.

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"I'm not like George Bush. If he wins or loses, life goes on. I will do anything to win." - Al Gore, Newsweek, 1999

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

What, are you kidding mate? Its fucking hilarious! Mind you, fact is we're still being run by the poms, so we're not the ones to speak. All the same you gotta be a seriously po-faced humourless asshole not to get a chuckle out of this...

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"I do prefer the arse, but you can't dismiss the leg. They're joined at the hip, so to speak."

- Liam Kavanagh

Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :

They revoke our independence, then tell us to use nuclear weapons on foreign countries. What's wrong with this picture?

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"You know, you--you let a wolf save your life, they make you pay and pay and pay..."
- Fraser, "due South"

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Why do people take such things so seriously?

So, there's this plane ... aboard are a doctor, a lawyer, a priest and a little boy.

Well, yes, of course there's a pilot! That's just a given!

So, the plane starts developing some engine trouble. The pilot goes back and says, "Sorry, guys, we gotta ditch."

He grabs a parachute and jumps.

Problem: only 3 parachutes remain ...

The Doc says, "I save people's lives, so I must live!" he grabs a chute and jumps.

The Lawyer says, "I'm the smartest man on Earth! I must live!" he grabs a chute and jumps.

The Priest says, "I've lived a long life. You take the last chute little boy."

The little boy shakes his head. "Not to worry. The smartest man on Earth just jumped with my backpack."

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Continuing to boldly go ...

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

JeffR: I'm an annoying European now? Please explain, before I hang, draw and quarter you.

Oh, and please don't call me a European. In fact, don't call anyone from the UK a European. I'd almost rather have Omega's "Brittain" than that.

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"If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would've been like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move." - Spike, BtVS

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

I was kidding, people... Especially the part about Liam. So he's not a European.

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"I'm not like George Bush. If he wins or loses, life goes on. I will do anything to win." - Al Gore, Newsweek, 1999

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

"THE FOUR RACES OF THE BRITISH ISLES:

The Scots, we keep the sabbath... and anything else we can lay our hands on.

The Irish, who don't know what they want, but who are willing and eager to fight for it anyway.

The Welsh, who pray in church on Sunday, and prey on their neighbors the rest of the week.

The English, who claim to be a self-made people... which at least absolves God of the horrible responsibility."

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"Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ty Kwan Leap. Approach me, that you might see." -- The Master

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

*looks at JeffR and Omega*

Is it just me, or are people like them one of the very reasons that everyone else in the world mocks the US? :-)

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

I too oppose the "european" label. Our gathered countries have very few similarities, so being called a european doesn't mean anything distinctive. Betcha it could be made into a nice sketch, though.

-How 'bout those europeans, huh?
-Yeah, eating them snails and froglegs.
-What? I thought they ate kidneys, livers, fisheggs and soup made out of blood.
-Nonono, snails, squid and beer mixed with honey and milk. And rotten herring. And they sleep in the middle of the day, when they should be working.
-Was it really Europe you went to?
-Hell yeah!

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And keep your foot off that blasted samoflanche!

Posted by Diane (Member # 53) on :

Frog legs are good.

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"The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
--Albert Eistein

Posted by Gaseous Anomaly (Member # 114) on :

Grr...
I don't know what First meant, but I'm eager and willing to fight him over it anyway.

------------------
Remember December '59
The howling wind and the driving rain,
Remember the gallant men who drowned
On the lifeboat, Mona was her name.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Well, if we can't call you "Europeans", then I demand that you stop calling us "Americans". Hell, that groups two continents into one entity. At least Europe is just one, and a fairly small one, at that.

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Well, I'd rather not be considered American.

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Communism. Who wouldn't like their neighbour thrown into a goulag?

Please vote for the Communist Party of Canada This November 27th.

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

All right, that's it!

I'm declaring myself the fully independent sovereign nation of Robistan! First fully-mobile state! I declare myself Dictator For Life.

Who wants to start a war?

*The Geek that Roared*

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"Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ty Kwan Leap. Approach me, that you might see." -- The Master

Posted by Epoch (Member # 136) on :

I admit it we can be very egocentric (it has been slowly breed into us). You have to admit though we have one of the better countries in the world. As for the grouping of calling all of you foreign types Europeans that is what you do to us. We live in an area classified as North America but we live in different states and call each other by those names, Oregonian, Mississippian, etc...you get the point. Now about our "Football" I resent being called a bunch of nancies because we wear pads. I've played both types of football they are both equally hard. One requires running endurance and lots of coordination skill. The other requires physical endurance ie. the ability to withstand lots of punishment and yes you need to have a brain to play this game, the idea of brain dead jocks is really outdated. As for the statement about the irish......I'm going to have to agree. Oh by the way if you really want this country back your welcome to try and take it. You might find that task a little on the hard side. We are arrogent for a reason.

(Just so everyone knows I am having fun with this)

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Death before Dishonor!
However Dishonor has
quite a disputed defintion.

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Yes, but real men play rugby. Especially Australian rugby.

"We burnt your White House down once, and I'm sure as hell we can do it again!"

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Communism. Who wouldn't like their neighbour thrown into a goulag?

Please vote for the Communist Party of Canada This November 27th.

Posted by MsChris (Member # 445) on :

*sigh*

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

I don't consider myself a Marylander ...

"I am Jeff Benson, the Marylander!" ::draws sword, chops off heads::

Of course, we Americans (er, US Americans), also tend to group ourselves as "European Americans" ... I myself would be a "Swedish American", and dammit, I *want* that distinction!

Well, ok -- I'd be a "Swedish/German American..."

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Continuing to boldly go ...

Posted by Fabrux (Member # 71) on :

Meh. I'm just Acadian

(that's from the area known as Acadia, that being the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Prince Edward Island.)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(That's in Canada, got it? It's not all snow and igloos up here)

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Hunt: "You cheated!"
Rhade: "It's only cheating if you get caught."
-Andromeda, "Double Helix"

[This message has been edited by Fabrux (edited November 17, 2000).]

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

First, have you read Snow Crash?

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What did it mean to you
An early chat with death
To pull your body for a moment from your soul
--
Camper Van Beethoven
****
Read chapter one of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! Gonna donate half my money to the city.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

MsChris: I don't know if you've been around long enough to realize it, but this sort of nationalism is normal 'round here. Don't worry about it. :-)

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

TSN: yes.

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"I do prefer the arse, but you can't dismiss the leg. They're joined at the hip, so to speak."

- Liam Kavanagh

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Sol: No. Whatsit?

UM: Yeah? well WE lit that castle fire a couple years back!
(What? I wasn't supposed to let that slip yet? sorry...)

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"Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ty Kwan Leap. Approach me, that you might see." -- The Master

[This message has been edited by First of Two (edited November 18, 2000).]

Posted by MsChris (Member # 445) on :

'Tis okay. I get over things rather quickly.

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

It's a cyberpunk novel by Neal Stephenson. Anyway, in it one of the characters has declared himself a sovereign nation, and that claim is honored because he has a small but powerful nuclear device strapped to his back.

------------------
What did it mean to you
An early chat with death
To pull your body for a moment from your soul
--
Camper Van Beethoven
****
Read chapter TWO of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! Now with 30% more plot.

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Oh, hell, is THAT all I need?

That's EASY...

*Begins scrounging for misplaced plutonium*

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"Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ty Kwan Leap. Approach me, that you might see." -- The Master

Posted by Teelie (Member # 280) on :

I've read it. Raven wasn't just nuclear armed either, he was radioactive too. That and he could beat the shit out of you

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[6th Sense] I see dumbass people [/6th Sense]

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

*sigh* This'll get me in trouble, but what the hell...

Hi, I'm Bob. I'm an Arkansasian. It's kinda like being a Kentuckist or a Oklahomite, only...not. Different culture, religion, language, currency and gastronomy.
In fact, we immerse our pan-pizzas(TM) in ketchup before we eat them, in one bite. A cultural legacy our neighbours, whom I resent being associated with by the way, do not uphold. So there!
(actually no one's ever pulled it off in one bite but that's a challenge we embrace!)

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And keep your foot off that blasted samoflanche!

[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited November 18, 2000).]

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

Snow Crash reference: sadly, Raven never got a chance to listen to Reason. (he-he)

Posted by Hobbes (Member # 138) on :

So how does this dictionary you speak of pronounce "aluminium"?

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Calvin: "Isn't that weird?? If computers can think, what will people be better at than machines?"
Hobbes: "Irrational behavior."
This post is sponsored in part by the Federation Starship Datalink

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

"ah-huh-men-iey-um"

Sort of like

"Add-hom-i-nem" =)

------------------
The Dominion has been defeated, but the hardest job will be building the peace ...

Join Cpt. Connor H. Macy and the crew of the USS Tokyo as they attempt to forge the bonds of trust ...

Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

This sounds like a very good idea

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Re: Russia in WWII

"Hey, we butchered Poles! Thats OK."
- DT.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Well, since it's spelled "aluminium", they're going for "al-yoo-MIN-ee-um", as opposed to the less goofy-sounding "uh-LOO-mih-num", spelled "aluminum".

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

First of all, you are absolutly right on the "Americans" thing. Unfortunatly, there isn't a, well, natural way of saying it otherwise. "US-citizens" sounds a bit forced. But I'll try from now on to seperate the US and Canada.

But, for whoever said that saying Europeans is the same as saying Americans, (I can't be arsed to check), I hate to point it out to you, but in Europe, we are actually different countries. With different languages, and everything. Yes, it's true. North US-ers might be different to South US-ers, but I dare say Geordies (Newcastle residents) are different to Cockneys. In fact, I know they are. Most of them are mad. But I'm not gonna start demanding I be called a "Greater London resident", because I'm different from Orion Syndicate, and his Mancunnian ways.

Oh, and please don't say stuff like "we have one of the best countries in the world". It tends to make other countries want to vomit.

"Al-lew-min-nium"

Posted by Ritten (Member # 417) on :

mmmm, I always that that we Irish fought over booze..... Or for whatever the person paying us in booze was fighting for.

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**...****...**

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

*blinks* You're Irish? Don't you live in Michigan? Why would you want to move to Michigan if you're Irish. It makes no sense in the logic of sensibleness.

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

I think he means "Irish-American" ...

Hey, is it true what they say about Sweden? About all the good looking blonde women? 'Cuz if so, I wish my ancestors had stayed!

------------------
The Dominion has been defeated, but the hardest job will be building the peace ...

Join Cpt. Connor H. Macy and the crew of the USS Tokyo as they attempt to forge the bonds of trust ...

Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Liam: Yes, in Europe, you have different countries. And, in America, we have different countries. Canada, the US, Mexico, Brazil, Argentina... Just to name some of the big ones...

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Yes, but to defend Liam, North America only has two countries (three if you count Mexico).

South America is the jumblepot of counties. And you left out Venezuela! =)

------------------
The Dominion has been defeated, but the hardest job will be building the peace ...

Join Cpt. Connor H. Macy and the crew of the USS Tokyo as they attempt to forge the bonds of trust ...

Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Actually there are about as many brunettes as there are blondes here, but it's all good, man!
AND meust of them are smart, too! Meustly.
The one mentioned in "Californication" is just a member of the usual percentage of girls that want to be rich-and-famous. That doesn't spoil the whole group.

In fact, "bimbo" is a seriously overused word. Just like "nimrod"... Check'em out in the back-issues of www.word-detective.com.
Full o'good stuff.

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And keep your foot off that blasted samoflanche!

[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited November 20, 2000).]

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

And VIVA EL SALVADOR!!!!!!

Posted by Gaseous Anomaly (Member # 114) on :

No no no, Ritten, you've it all wrong.

We get embarrassingly belligerent when we've a few taken, but at least we'll go drinking with the person we were trying to creel after the fight.

Respect. And Drink.

What more does one want?

*and*
I am immensely proud of where I come from, but I do consider myself European also.

------------------
Remember December '59
The howling wind and the driving rain,
Remember the gallant men who drowned
On the lifeboat, Mona was her name.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

JeffK: Er... North America has 23 countries in it (if I counted right). South America only has 13.

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

23 independent nations, but 36 political units.

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"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much."

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

23? What is there besides the U.S. and Canada? Unless we're counting Central America, which I always thought was South America ...

------------------
The Dominion has been defeated, but the hardest job will be building the peace ...

Join Cpt. Connor H. Macy and the crew of the USS Tokyo as they attempt to forge the bonds of trust ...

Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Posted by The359 (Member # 37) on :

I think that includes island nations and whatnot...

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Me: "Why don't you live in Hong Kong?"
Rachel Roberts: "Hong Kong? Nah. Oh, but we can live in China! Yeah, China has great Chinese food!"

(discussion with fellow classmate, 9/5/00)

Mustang Class Starship Development Project

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Bits of France are in North America, they own those two little islands near the Maritimes.

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"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." - Dave Barry

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

FRANCE?!

You know, thanks to their attempts to colonize parts of the world that don't belong to 'em, we fought Vietnam! Grrr ... well, that and I just don't like the French ... =)

------------------
The Dominion has been defeated, but the hardest job will be building the peace ...

Join Cpt. Connor H. Macy and the crew of the USS Tokyo as they attempt to forge the bonds of trust ...

Star Trek Gamma Quadrant

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

I can forgive France of any and all sins, real or imaginary, so long as Laetitia Casta remains their national symbol.

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

St. Pierre & 'Micel-something or other' are the names of the islands.

Sol: I would've thought you'd be more interested in the Eiffel Tower? It's not everyday someone like you finds a kindred spirit with the same, er, 'erect' proportions, as it were.

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Oh, that's just ...

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Rated 7 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

JeffK: No, Central America is part of North America. As are all the nations in the Caribbean.

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Ah! Imagine that ...

Nuke 'em all.

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Rated 7 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Actually, I thought there'd be extreme competition between Simon "throbbing tube" Sizer and the Eiffel "sharp and pointy" tower, over which one of them gets to be the alpha cock. Or something.

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"I am in one of those rare periods of life where I am convinced I am a sexy devil."- Simon "Sol System" Sizer

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

One thing at a time - we haven't even got to the Beta cock yet. �)

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"I do prefer the arse, but you can't dismiss the leg. They're joined at the hip, so to speak."

- Liam Kavanagh

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

"Snow Crash"'s main character/sovreign human nation's name was Raven?? What a remarkable coincidence!

"Raven" was my most popular (most often used) nickname in school.

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"Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ty Kwan Leap. Approach me, that you might see." -- The Master

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

It's a fun novel, should you get the chance to read it.

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

"Snow Crash" - as recommended by the omega-cock.

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"I am in one of those rare periods of life where I am convinced I am a sexy devil."- Simon "Sol System" Sizer

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

"Omega cock"? I thought we were all of the opinion there was no such thing...

Okay, sorry, but I saw the opportunity to take a cheap shot at Omega, and I took it. Don't any of you even try to say you wouldn't have done the same... *LOL*

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"What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable."
-T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000

Posted by Ritten (Member # 417) on :

GA: Yep, Irish-American....
Another thing we liked to do is interupt the fight to drink, and bs, before starting in again.....

TSN: Yep, your right.....

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**...****...**

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Which reminds me of my original point. Tec said that Europeans do to them what they do to us, pidgeon all US citizens in one hole. He says that (apparently) you all refer to each other as "New Yorkians" or "Oregonians". I was attempting to point out that there's a wee bit of difference between a group of states, and a group of countries. You speak the same language, you have the same leaders, you watch the same TV. The US is ONE country. Europe is not.

Oh, and Ritten, what do you mean by "Irish-American"? Over here most people would count "foreign blood" as far back as maybe grandparents, but still, no-one would call themselves "Irish-English".

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"I am in one of those rare periods of life where I am convinced I am a sexy devil."- Simon "Sol System" Sizer

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

Actually, we pidgeon whole each other more by accent then anything else. I've never heard of the term "Oklahomian", although I have heard "Marylander" from time to time ... and "New Yorker", no "Connecticutian" or "Massachussetians" either ...

Mostly its, "Gee, what is that strange accent you have?"

"Whot? Ah din't have an ahcent!" ::SMACK::

"Ow! Sure you do, where you from?"

"Bahstahn."

"Oh, see, that explains it!"

::SMACK::

"OW!"

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Rated 7 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux