Flare Sci-Fi Forums: Does the term "Interstellar Jelly Doughnut" mean anything to you...?

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Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Yes, my friends, due to the veritable Postatomic Horror this Forum is suffering subsequent to the demise of the CapComs and the fact that I recently noticed a couple of old threads I'd saved to my hard drive, I've decided to revive the one and only Federation News Net. For you poor souls who are just tuning in to our fine society, here's a bit of a review:

Original FFN Thread, Part the First
Original FFN Thread, Part the Second

Okay, now that everyone knows what to do...

*theme music plays* *newsanchor voice* Our top story tonight...

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"Agh! Save me from the wee turtles!"
-Groundskeeper Willy, The Simpsons

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Oh no, the flashbacks again! Ahhh!

*runs away*

But first, tonight's top story.

We here at FNN remain constantly vigilant in the search for news that you, the average Federation citizen, need to be aware of. Tonight, we uncover a scandal that reaches to the very heart of the Federation.

Buried deep within the hallowed document that is the Starfleet Charter rests a secret. A secret that has remained hidden for over 200 years.

We'll be blunt. There is a hidden agency, above all government oversite. That agency is known only by the clause of the Charter which gives it its power. Section 32. It isn't easy to decipher. First you have to read past the boring bits of sections 30 and 31, dealing with some dull business about covert intelligence and war powers. But hard work pays off.

Section 32, Paragraph I: "Starfleet shall undertake the process of naming and registering all vessels, stations, and other equipment as it so requires."

Harmless, you say? Read it again. What constitutes "other equipment"? Everything! Yes, our top team of legal scholars confirms that this section gives Starfleet the power to name anything it so wishes. According to the history books, Vulcan was thus named by humans due to the hot climate of our sister world. Not so! It was in fact all part of Section 32's vast conspiricy to make us think certain things about the Vulcans. Perhaps to create the false impression that they create beautiful swords in underground workshops. Who can say? All we know is, this threat is real and it is pervasive. Ever wondered about the decidedly unneutral "neutral zone"? Or a demilitarized zone that was the site of the bloodiest conflict in UFP history?

We'll have more on this story as it develops.

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"Stirs a large iron pot. Casting a spell on Vermont."
--
John Linnell

Posted by Montgomery (Member # 23) on :

*enters quietly and takes a seat near the door*

*waits for the first jelly doughnut to appear with moistened lips*

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"NO! NO! Kill you all!
Die! MAKE YOU SUFFER!!!"

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

*busily uses stolen technology to create...*

THE SHADOW DOUGHNUT!

Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

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'In every country and in every age the priest has been hostile to Liberty; he is always in allegiance to the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." ---- Thomas Jefferson

Posted by an'on (Member # 222) on :

Hmm...Isn't that what J.F.K. said when he made first contact with alien species? "I am an Interstellar Jelly Doughnut"

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

It will end in Fire!!!!

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Fool of a Took, throw yourself in next time!!
Gandalf

Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :

Section 32, hmm? It would certainly explain the registry numbers. . .

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Intra-Sector News
New Phenomenon Discovered
by Dr. Pleasjust Savemenow

Yesterday, researchers at the Boreonandon Institute on Bolraus IX found the most remarkable phenomenon akin to the Interstellar Jelly Doughnut discovered approximately one year prior.

The Interstellar Curry-ous Cranberry Cloud exists under a state of cloak, unseen to the naked sensory platform. However, Bolian professor Wontstoptalking of the Boreonandon Institute gratefully informed us of this miraculous (and seemingly tedious task to explain...) discovery.

For now, no warning has been broadcast for this phenomenon which is currectly located half an au from Bolarus IX, but its location has already been observed to change sporatically, so stay tuned as the FNN covers the latest!

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

[This message has been edited by Elim Garak (edited November 05, 1999).]