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*Rise of the Warspite*
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by G.K Nimrod: [QB] Before I go any further, space your texts a bit more. Maybe it's partly my screen resolution but I lost myself a couple of times in the letters. :-) Yes, this certainly is promising. Sphinx, eh? I wonder if there'll be any [i]cameos[/i] later in the novel, hmm? ;-) So, Thad Armstrong. I was a bit surprised at the Eugenics stab (Blade Runner' replicants and "Space: Above and Beyond"'s invitros come to mind), not that it's overly rare a concept in the honor universe. What with quick heal, advanced body prosthesis and (semispoiler) $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ ...Honor herself, being a "genie". I'm sure she'll be partly sympathetic if she runs into Thad, although it's a great responsibility to depict this girl and her emotions. :) So, to the meat and potatoes. A quick review of the chapters and my spontaneous thoughts. Remember, all is subjective. ---- The opening space battle, a classic maneuver to introduce the reader to the sugar of the genre, is pretty well explained. The mandatory losses and technological absolutes of the manticoran superiorities. The skinsuit is a given, although I'm not sure they deliberately vent out the air before battle, as soon as everyone has their suit sealed. "Everyone on the [i]bridge[/i] nestled deep in the ship had his or her skinsuits on, helmets locked tight against the cold vacuum of the [i]bridge[/i]." I think they want to take their helmets off immediately after the danger is over. But in this case, had they perhaps already recieved a hit, making the lack oxygen coincidental? Oh and try not to use the same word twice in a sentence. (See? I'm gonna fire away with everything I've got, you deserve nothing less than the best) Yes, a good battle it was, a typical Weber battle, with the "spewing" of angry redheaded missiles, the metaphors about raging deities duking it out in the vastness of space and the blinding, bellowing balls of angry white light that is fusion bottles failing. But I felt that's kind of what it was, a good Weber [i]imitation[/i]. Not so much of your own essence. Of course fanfic writers make it somewhat of a tradition to uphold the certain ways and forms the original writer has laid down (I know Frank Herbert's son Brian has borrowed a lot of expressions from his late father, in his prequels to the Dune Books, although that's impossible to determine since Frank left a ton of notes to base the prequels on, so those "mimicked" expressions could in fact be his own words) and I know how hard it is to try and think of something 'specifically' original (I'm not saying you're unoriginal) in the events that make up a Honor Harrington book. There is so much that already is original about the books in question. So [b]of course[/b] the basic outlines shall remain intact so that you feel comfortable and "at home" in the familiar feeling of returning to the HH-universe, we don't want any crazy "revolutionizing new interpretation of the stagnant old books" because they aren't. Still, you would benefit from exploring alternative ways of depicting familiar scenes in these books (perhaps a few, good old brainstormings) so that people who read it don't think "oh now he says [i]posterior[/i] again!" (just an example, there's nothing wrong with Honor using her fav word 'posterior'. Or, for that matter... ;) ) ---- "'If only we didn't have two helpless merchantmen to protect, then we could run away.'" Not very brave a lad, is it? :-) Yes, of course it [i]would[/i] be the sane action if a ship is as outgunned as you said the Victory was, but the choice of words could make him sound like the proverbial Pavel Young, feeling the merchant ships to be a damn hindrance when they in fact are the purpose of the mission he was picked for, all naughty scapegoating aside. ---- "Roll the ship, get our exposed side out of the fire! Keep going and give em your port tubes." A wise choice, also one that saved their lives, I'm sure. But I'm also pretty sure there in fact IS an actual maneuver for doing this, alpha-four or something, since it's pretty straightforward to execute. You would love to check out the technical database of David Weber's work to learn the intricacies of naval tactical maneuvers. I think there's a guide or something, I don't know them myself, other than what I've read in the books. Weber is beefing up his homepages nowadays, maybe he's included those things as well, or will. ---- "Sir, it was you who ordered that only my ship be used for the escort mission." This, and the following sentences, a very bold, but stupid approach, and one that could have him charged with screaming insubordination, questioning a superior officer before AND after asking for permission to speak freely. :-) He was of course absolutely right in his conclusions (the Weber Color Diagram of angered facial expressions came in handy, neh?) but the statement made him sound like a civilian boat captain, lashing out at his "boss" in a conference room. It was, of course, a good way to put Thad on his way to Sphinx, but he could've swallowed some of that bile and tried to be a professional. He would still have the luxury of jawdropping when his superior dropped the Robert-bomb later. ---- "You see, Thaddeus had..." Never mix up the forum of storytelling. There are four (five?) forms of telling a story in a book (I don't remember all of the labels by heart, literature class was a long time ago) and the present one that Weber have set for his books is the one of divine entity. Free to depict any action by any person on either side of any conflict, but can never, ever, display any form of individual opinion or reveal itself as a person speaking to the reader. Like newsanchors, they would never say "A person was robbed at the whitehouse today and I think he was in the late thirties". They shalt be impersonal (except in countries with dictatorships, where they are expected to cry when some important little oppressor has died) This is very important. So an alternative would be "What no one knew was that Thaddeus had not..." or such, you get the point. ---- "Upon seeing this, his mistress had promptly said," Great, absolutely great, to venture into the pretty much unexplored world of the solarian league. I myself hope Weber will tie in the sols, the San Martins and the Andermani in later books. Not necessarily all those at the same time, of course. But to return to Thad, this "flashback" into his story is very important and should be thoroughly explored later. You did well to let out a brief summary about Thad's history, like Weber himself briefly let slip a very small explanation to Honor's previous experiences with Pavel Young, right before she met with him on "Warlock", in the first book "Basilisk station". When you described Thad's background (starting with "You see" ;) ) you began right, with "He had been programmed to love, obey and protect", and "He [i](had?)[/i] saved her and killed the assassin, yet a round from a needler had nicked his face". Very important to use all those "had"'s, they make sure the reader knows you are still talking about a past memory, something Thad [i]remembers[/i]. But here you perhaps got too anxious to tell about the indeed interesting history you've thought up for Thad, when suddenly letting in his former mistress to speak! "You have gone and broken that pretty face of yours." Now you've left the summary bit and jumped right into the dialogue that comes later, when you in greater detail tell about the life and unhappiness of Thad. Of course, maybe you didn't plan to have those chapters later in the book, you could settle for throwing the reader just this bone, in the beginning. But Weber just laid down the outlines, "She ignored him, he got mad, tried rape, got shit beaten out, here we are now, period". If he'd put in any words spoken from the two characters in his "had"-summary, he'd have broken the form, changing it from a memory to an active dialogue. Am I making any sense whatsoever? :) ---- There, that was it, I think. I enjoyed reading your morsel of what's to come, it felt like being there again, especially when Yuki met with Thad on the transport. I hope my little notes will help you in any way. I'm looking forward to reading any new chapters in the future. [/QB][/QUOTE]
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