Topic: Jokes from work (WARNING: some very dirty!)
The First One
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed
Member # 35
posted
A boy comes home from school, and tells his parents that he has had sex with the geography teacher. His mum is rightly appalled, and threatens to call the school to complain, but his dad is jubilant that his son is finally spreading his wild oats. "Sit down and tell me about it son," he said. "I can't," the boy replied, "my arse still hurts."
***
What's the connection between a fat woman and a moped? They're both fun to ride until your mates find out.
***
A bloke gets onto a plane, and settles down, opens his paper, and orders a drink. Suddenly he can here this voice, "You're looking very well today, sir". He's shocked � he looks at the person next to him � nothing. He looks behind � nothing. So he thinks he imagined it. He settles down again, and then the voice pipes up again "Are those new trousers sir, they look very good on you". He looks all around again, increasingly flustered. Again nothing. This goes on for some time, until he is getting really uptight. He calls the stewardess over, and explains the fact that he can here this voice telling him how good he looks etc. The stewardess replies "Oh that's okay sir, it'll be the complimentary peanuts."
***
John walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie on his head. He orders a pint, and the barman, barely able to contain his laughter, asks "Are you aware you have a meat and potato pie on your head, sir". John replies "It's okay, I always wear a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday." The barman says "But it's a Tuesday." John looks aghast and says "Oh, no. I've got the wrong day again."
***
A plane is about to crash, and the stewardess, on hearing the news, runs forward to the cockpit and yells at the captain, "Make me feel like a real woman for one last time!" The captain immediately gets up, yanks off his shirt, hands it to her, and says "Here, iron this."
***
George the postman is doing his Christmas round, and he's not been doing too well on his tips this year. He's starting to feel really down in the dumps, when he comes to number 91. The door is open and there is beautiful blonde standing there in very skimpy and see-through bra and pants. She leads him inside, takes him upstairs, and gives him the best sex of his life. After a couple of hours of hard shagging, she invites the dazed George down stairs for a truly sumptuous breakfast he. Whilst munching through the bacon and eggs he notices a pound coin lying next to his plate. Confused, he asks the blonde what the pound is for, to which she replied, "Well, it's Christmas, and when I asked my husband what tip we should give you this year, he just replied "F*** him, give him a pound." The breakfast was my idea."
***
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding the trail all day. When they stop for a rest, Tonto places his face to the ground and listens. "Buffalo come," remarks Tonto. "How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky" replied Tonto.
***
A bloke goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked woman on his back. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" the hosts asks, "I'm a snail" the bloke replies. "Bollocks" the host spits "How can you be a snail when all you've got is a naked girl on your back?" "That's not a naked girl � that's Michelle."
***
A man walks into the pub with a piece of tarmac under his arm. "What would you like?" asks the barman. " I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."
***
Father Michael is leaving his parish after 20 years in charge. On instructing his replacement Father Patrick he explains he has written a list of sins and absolutions on the wall in the confessional, should there be a problem. Everything goes okay for the first few weeks, until a young blonde comes in. She enters the confessional, and asks, "Can you forgive me father, for I have sinned. I gave my husband a blow job last night". Father Patrick has no idea what absolution to give, and even worse there is nothing on the Father Michael's list on the wall. He pokes his head of the confessional, and grabs the passing choirboy. "Quick! Seamus, what did Father Michael give for a blow job?" The young lad replies, "A Kit-Kat."
***
The local vicar looks on with compassion at the drunken man stumbling down the aisle, clutching his head and moaning help me. He stumbles in to the confessional, and the vicar goes to his side. Whilst waiting for the drunk's tale, all he can here for a few minutes is moans and cries. Eventually he asks, "Can I help you, my child?", to the which the drunk man replies "Only if you have some paper on your side."
***
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the crap out of him.
***
Tarquin the upper class git comes across a beautiful naked woman lying in the forest with her legs spread wide open. Not believing his luck he approaches her, and asks her if she is game. The woman replies "Yes", so he shoots her.
***
Question: What have Kermit the frog and Henry the VIII got in common.
Answer: They both have the same middle name.
***
John rings his boss at work, and says "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm sick." "Sick," screams the boss "Sick? This is the tenth time this month, exactly how sick are you?" "Well," replies John "I'm in bed with my 12 year old sister."
***
Two nuns are sitting in a car waiting for the traffic lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them "Oh sister what shall we do" asks the younger nun. "Do not worry," came the reply "Show him your cross" The younger nun winds down the windscreen and yells "F*** off, you twat"
***
Question: How do you confuse a dickhead.
Answer: Forty-two.
***
Two parrots are sitting on a perch, and one says to the other "Can you smell fish"
***
What's grey, sits at the end of the bed, and takes the piss. A kidney dialysis machine.
***
What's blue and f***s grannies? Hypothermia.
***
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 8 pints.
***
George the milkman is doing his round and at one house there is note asking for 45 gallons of gold top the next day. Shaking his head in disbelief, he rings the bell to confirm the massive order, and a shapely young blonde comes to the door. When asked if the note is correct she replies "Yes, it's supposed to be good for the skin, and it's a superb aphrodisiac" "Do you want it pasteurised" asks George. "No, just up to my tits" says the blonde.
***
A ship sinks in the middle of the Pacific. Five men and one woman manage to survive and swim to the nearest island. An agreement is made where the woman is split between the men so they each have her for a week at a time. This works well for a number of months, but unfortunately she suddenly dies. The 1st week after she died was bad, the 2nd week was difficult, the 3rd getting a little trying, and the 4th week was absolute torture. On the 5th week they buried her.
***
Cletus the slack jawed goes up to the mountains for a spot of bear hunting. On his first day he spots a mighty grizzly, takes aim and fires. A few seconds later the bear comes up behind him and taps in on the shoulder. "You're trying to kill me aren't you," he says to Cletus, and Cletus nods. "Well" says the bear "it's your choice � either I bugger you, or I kill you." That night, with a very sore arse, Cletus head into town and buys a bigger rifle. The next day he returns to the woods and spots his grizzly. He aims, fires and misses again. The bear gives him the same choice, and once again Cletus is shafted by the beast. Back in town, Cletus buys an even bigger rifle, and returns once more to kill his quarry. Suddenly he spots the bear and shoots. But a few seconds later he feels a heavy claw tapping him on the shoulder "You're not really here for the hunting are you?" asks the bear.
***
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.
***
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and shouts "G'Day, Sheila. What the hell are you doin'?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'Day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and now I'm going to kill meself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Sheila," he says "not only are you a good shag, but you're a good sport too."
***
Doctor: "What seems to the be the problem?" Patient: "I've got a cricket ball up my arse." Doctor: "A cricket ball up your arse. Good grief, how's that?" Patient: "For Christ's sake, don't you start!"
posted
Somehow a rimshot seems inadequate to the situation. I am pleased to say I got every one of the above jokes, but it took several seconds to get some of them. Actually, that's good. The delayed reaction is sometimes the best one.
--Baloo
------------------ The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. --George Carlin www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "but you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"
"Okay, then, here's what I want you do do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 7039?"
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital. On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?' 'Well sort of', replies one of the guys But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.' 'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?' 'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.' 'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
An Italian, a German and a Pole were sitting in a bar drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Italian says, "I tella you, my wife, she isa so stupid. Lasta week she wenta to the supermarket and boughta $300 of meat because ita wasa ona sale, and we don'ta even have a freezer to keep it in."
The German agrees that she sounds pretty thick but says his wife is thicker still. "Just last veek she vent out unt spent $47,000 on a new auto," he laments, "unt she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Pole nods sagerly and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it", he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to America. I watched her packing her bag. She must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swinging' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.."
A missionary goes to Africa to convert a tribe of heathens. Nine months after his arrival the Chief's wife gives birth to a white baby. The Chief goes to see the missionary to find out what's been going on. The missionary explains: "It's a freak of nature called an albino. Look at that flock of sheep over there, all white except for that black one. Do you understand?
The Chief replies: "Yes, I understand. OK If you keep quiet about the sheep, I won't mention the kid" !
And finally that old favourite the blonde jokes (no offence intended)
BLONDE JOKES!!!
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.
What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her joke on Wednesday.
[This message has been edited by JEM (edited October 06, 1999).]
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
Early the next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"
And lastly
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results. The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive. "But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag". "Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year?" asks the doctor. "No, how can I?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag" "How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?" "I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag" "Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly "In that case I suspect your mother must have been a carrier."
[This message has been edited by JEM (edited October 06, 1999).]
posted
An Irishman walked along the main road in Dublin without passing a single pub. How is this possible?
He went into every single one!
------------------ "Freedom is best, I tell thee true, of all things to be won. Then never live within the bond of slavery, my son." - The real William Wallace
------------------ "...when all that is driving my heart forward is you, thoughts of you, hopes for you, and a fading dream with a Mona Lisa smile that whispers "are you thinking of me too?"
posted
I got them all except the guy w/ the pie on his head (which I must be missing something on, because it just sounds stupid) and the parrots.
------------------ "It'd be a pity if every pencil on Earth suddenly collapsed in on itself and blew everything up." -Krenim, TNO chat, September 30, 1999
------------------ Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")
Every night Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after Joe finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin, and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the tar out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do", he pleaded.
"Not much, I'm afraid", the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
------------------ The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. --George Carlin www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
[This message has been edited by Baloo (edited October 06, 1999).]
Orion Syndicate
He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
Member # 25
posted
A policeman is on petrol one day, sees a blonde woman driving her car very badly and promptly flags her down.
Policeman: Can I see your driving licence please? Blonde: Driving Licence? Policeman: It's usually in your wallet madam.
So the blonde gets her driving licence and shows it to the policeman.
Policeman: Now, can I see your proof of registration? Blonde: Proof of registration? Policeman: It's usually in the glove box madam.
The policeman walks away to radio HQ and ask them to confirm the details. When he radios in, the second policeman recognises the details.
Policeman 2: Is there a blonde woman with you? Policeman 1: Yeah Policeman 2: Is she in a red Ferrari? Policeman 1: *confused* Yeah Policeman 2: OK, here's what I want you to do. I want you to walk up to her and drop your trousers. Policeman 1: *shocked* I can't do that, it's the middle of the day! Policeman 2: Just do it! Trust me!
So the policeman walks to the woman and drops his trousers.
Blonde: Oh no, not another breathalyser!
----------------------------------------------
A pilot is making a flight from London to Sydney and goes on autopilot. He accidently switches the intercom on, and continues to talk to the second pilot.
Pilot: What I really could do with now is a cup of tea and a blow job!
The stewardess realising everyone heard this runs towards the cockpit.
On seeing this, a passenger shouts: "And don't forget the cup of tea"!
------------------ Do business with us, or we'll ruin you.
posted
Hm... I forgot to check this thread for a few days... Anyway, I figured out the perch joke about fifteen minutes after I posted, but I have yet to determine the meaning of the man w/ the pie on his head...
------------------ "It'd be a pity if every pencil on Earth suddenly collapsed in on itself and blew everything up." -Krenim, TNO chat, September 30, 1999
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