posted
I found out today that one of my best friends was abused for years. This friend is much older than I am, and is already married. I was wondering if anyone could help me with this.
I've never been abused. I've never known a close friend who has been. How should I handle this? How can I, years later, make a dent in his pain? Should I get him talking? Let him do the talking? Let it be? What?
posted
Going on what you've said, it sounds like your friend has moved on, or at least is trying to. If the subject comes up, just do what friends do; lend a sympathetic ear.
------------------ "20th Century, go to sleep." -- R.E.M.
My girlfriend was abused by her mother for years, so I'm a bit close to the subject.
All you can really do is be a friend. Have a sympathetic ear, and don't brush it off when they talk to you about it, even if they go on and on. Avoid situations which they might find offensive; for instance, saying of an unruly child "someone oughtta slap that kid around" is right out.
DON'T assume that the abused always become abusers, it's not true and is DEEPLY hurtful to those who have broken the cycle.
------------------ Calvin: "No efficiency, no accountability... I tell you, Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a Universe." -- Bill Watterson
posted
Sadly, this revelation from one friend has triggered a similar revelation from another. I do not enjoy seeing two of my friends with tears running down their faces in public, but at the very least now they'll both have someone who's been there.
IP: Logged
The county where I live has the second highest rate of child abuse in the USA.
It is the single most disgusting, inhuman crime I can think of, and if there is one thing that could get me to kill another human being without feeling any remorse or regret at the act, that would be it. If the people who had abused my girlfriend weren't already dead, I would probably have killed them by now. And THAT fact scares the hell out of me.
I know entirely too many people who've been subjected to it.
------------------ "Nobody knows this, but I'm scared all the time... of what I might do, if I ever let go." -- Michael Garibaldi
posted
Yeah, all you can do is listen. Don't push or pry, just let them discuss it as it comes up, if it comes up. I have a friend who was abused as a child by another for years and it only now has come up to haunt them (they're 19 and this took place 10-12 years ago) and it has really made a negative impact. All there is to do is listen and be there for your friend when they need it. Helping them get past it is a good idea, don't dredge up the past if it can be helped, it's probably too painful to relive. That's my 2 cents (as it is others too)
posted
Speaking from first-hand experience on this one:
What I needed most was people to listen to me. I needed to talk about every bad thing, every gorey detail, and how that made me feel, and how angry I was at everything that had happened.
Actually, that paragraph should be in the present tense.... as I still havn't found anyone who's let me tell ALL the story to. *shrugs*
But anyways.... listen when they want to talk. DON'T make them talk about it. And although I didn't appreciate people "walking on eggs" around me when they found out.... it does help, as FirstofTwo was saying, to be carefull what you say.
And just be very understanding. It's taking a group of very understanding people to get me to the point I am today, where I can actually stand human beings again. *L* .... It seems like she's either been in wicked denial for a long time, or she's pretty well adjusted.
If she's been in denial.... I'm not going to sugar coat this. It's going to be a long, painful journey, and she's going to need help. So just be there to re-assure her that she's worthy of great things.
If she's well-adjusted, maybe she just needed a good cry.
Well.. there you go. Two cents from someone who knows. Feel free to email me if you need to.
------------------ "Permasuck, by Froboz Electric: 'We don't just make things that suck, we make things that suck, PERMANENTLY.'"
posted
This topic is hitting very close to home right now.... and though I wish I had some advice, I don't.....
In the last week, one of my friends who has been abused her whole life, finally went forward and told the authorities.... on one hand, she's not home now... on the other hand no one has heard of her since.... and the worrying that goes along with that is amazing.....
Another friend, in an incident related to this one, finally had his mom snap. That's right. Snap. And he's crumbled and fallen ;ike I never thought possible, and I just want to help him so bad, but I can't... all I can do is be here for him... always... no matter what... 24-7... but I can't make the pain go away.....
So.... anyway.... all I can say is be patient... listen when needed, and try to empathise with their emotions... it's a long road, and it's hard for EVERYONE involved... but friends are the most important thing in the world.....
posted
This subject brought back lots of bad memories, but I felt I wanted to say something here. Try to listen and try not to give to much advice, Some of the best help you could give is to just listen. I went through about 3 years of abuse and after about 3 more years decided I didn't want another kid to go through what I did and went to the police. The court portion was the hardest but with great friends who just listened helped along with lots of therapy later on. The individual who said that it is a long road knows what there talking about but therapy will help. There are more victims of this horrible crime than many even imagine! Give all the support that you feel comfortable with, friends can be more help than you might think! And yes the chain can and is broken! Sorry to ramble so long.
IP: Logged
posted
I have to agree with most of the above people. The keyword here is: LISTEN
Don't force something out of the person. Don't start talking about it. Let that person bring up the subject, and then be understanding and DON'T try to make it an interview. LISTEN to what that person has to say. And if that person doesn't want to talk to you about it, I hope for that person's sake that he/she is talking about it to someone else...
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