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Right now I'm sitting in my one and only class, CS-170 "Introduction to computer Informational Systems" Gah.... it is THE most BORING class I've taken since Computer Related Advertising in HS.... Today we're learning the joys of using Powerpoint but right now, at 9am, I don't think I CARE.
In fact, I'm not sure that I care much about any of my responsibilities right now... why should I? Too many people around me are having their lives fall apart, and I need to be there for them, rather than in this class covering simple things that I already know how to do anyway.
Okay. Sigh. That's over. Now comes the big vent-- just to fill you in on my life--
My family and I aren't getting along. nothing new about that, we never have. However, it's worse than normal, and it's really starting to get to me. Apparently I'm Satan, and so are my friends and my church. I can handle it, but it bothers me no less...
Then there's my friends-- ALL of them are falling apart. Their worlds are collapsing at their feet, and there's NOTHING I can do to help them beyond what little I'm already doing, and it's killing me. I feel like I need to be with them at all times and at all hours of the day, and so far I'm doing my best, but there's only so much i can do.... but I want to fix it... I want to fix them... I need to make them better, because I'm Liz, and that's what I always do. So that's three of my closest friends, falling apart, with no way for me to help them...
So that's a rambling version of my life the last few weeks... I'm flying out of town to see one of my friends who isn't doing well, so that will help, I think. But if everyone else isn't doing better by then, I'm not so sure that I'm going to want to go.......
Moving on. My love life. Ok, guys-- I HATE MEN! I do... I don't WANT a love life, I'm not LOOkiNG for a love life, and quite frankly, I don't have TIME for a love life, even if I DID want one. But who cares what I say, right?
There was an incident several weeks ago that just reminded me once again why I hate men-- they have only one thing on their mind, and they don't even CARE who they hurt to get it... well, at least not until it's over, but by then it's too late... and so that's sitting on my mind still as I try to cope with it. Of course though, being me, VERY few people know what's on my mind, so they have no clue how much they're hurting me by trying to set me up with Brandon.
Brandon is SUCH a great friend to me-- he's in the Fishers of Men, and church, and youth group-- and i just love him SOOO much.... but I don't want to date him. But my youth pastor tried to set us up, and from there is just all escalated to the point that rumors are flying, people are speculating, and Brandon and I are second-guessing EVERY SINGLE THING that the other person does. It's really hurting our relationship.. .and I don't want it to... but for some reason I can't stop it.... and so I've been dealing with that-- with the part of me that wants to be there for him and help him at all costs, because that's how I am with my friends, and then with the part of me that just wants to run away screaming because I'm so afraid of that rumors and "What if he really DOES like me?"
It seems petty and insignifigant, I know... but still.. it's there and it's making me uncomfortable....
But now, here's the biggest and hardest part in my life to deal with right now-- my aunt died yesterday. She'd been sick for a long time, but I didn't know she was in the hospital dying for the last week.... no one told me. Not a single person in my family called to say "Hey... your Aunt Hattie is dying.. you may want to go say goodbye." They didn't have time, and they forgot to let me know. Forgot. And the worst part is that I'm the one that lives closest to the hospital, so it's not even like they didn't want to worry me because I was so far away... Mom just said that she didn't have time and forgot... but she DID have time to call and chew me out about the fact that the college was closed for MLK Jr. Day so I couldn't get a paper signed. And she DID have the time to chew me out for spending the night at one of my friends houses and not telling her in advance (I LIVE BY MYSELF! I don't NEED permission!!!!!!). But she didn't have time to tell me to go say goodbye to my aunt.
So that hurts. And the funeral is going to kill me, because i KNOW I'll get in trouble just like I did at Grandpa's for not being emotional enough....
well, I'm sorry.... at this point there are no emotions i can let out... because if I let out one, they're all going to come, and I'm just not ready to see them...
So there... that's my life and that's my vent... sorry it took so long, but I don't want to bother anyone else this week... everyone's too busy.....so there you have it...
~LOA
------------------ "When the toast is burnin', all the milk has turned' and Captain Crunch is waving farewell.... When the big one finds you, may this song remind you that they don't serve breakfast in Hell!" ~Newsboys, Breakfast
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I can't help you with your relatives, I live with Mom right now, and we get along well, but I ignore the rest of the family most of the time. You can pick your friends, but not your relatives.
This thing about fixing everything for your friends though, sorry Liz, but it can't be done. You can be there for them, if they live near you, but you can't fix anything for them. If they are over twelve years old, they can only help themselves. Most of the time, if you interfere, even with good intentions, they will wind up resenting you, and you were only trying to help. Listen to them, talk to them, but unless they ask for help, leave their problems to them.
As for Brandon, try putting some space between yourself and TFOM. You must look after yourself first. I have a sister that was once into a gospel group like you are. She followed them to different places, went to practice, but in the end, they left her behind, and she went on to make her own life, you must do the same.
------------------ Fool of a Took, throw yourself in next time!! Gandalf
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I don't interfere in my friends lives... mainly because i see the problems that would cause... instead I'm just here for them to come to me and talk, and that's all I can usually ever do. I'm here for them to do WHATEVER they ask of me, but I try not to interfere... what bothers me is just the fact that they HAVE problems.. .i mean, they come to me for advice, and often times I can give it, but then there are those times when I can't and i just have to watch my friends suffer, when all i really want to do is to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all go away for them....
Sometimes seeing my friends hurting is harder for me than dealing with my OWN hurts...
And as for FOM... *smile* They don't run my life.. I'm not in the band, I know that, and i'm QuITE happy with it. However, they are some of my best friends, and I'm going to keep being there for everything... especially now that my youth pastor decided to stop trying to hook Brandon and I up And the thing about the Fish is that as much time as I spend on them, and as many times as I bend over backwards for them, they do the same for me. Especially Dustin... I mean, he's coming with me to my aunt's funeral just so i won't have to go alone. And he'll get up for me at 5:30 in the morning if i need to talk about something. And he calls me every single night to talk, but also to remind me that "Lizzy-poo, I love you..."
Yeah, I'm truly blessed with the boys... and beyond that, I'm in a much better mood today that I was yesterday *L* Thank you for the advice though.... it means a lot... this is still going to be a rough week here in The Life of LOA.
------------------ "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again....." ~Simon & Garfunkle, The Sound of Silence
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Do your friends have specific problems that can be addressed? Is it "their lives are falling apart", or is it "Tom has deceieded that he hates college and doesn't care if he passes or fails." If you are going to help them, go for practical help. Sitting their holding their hands might be comforting, but it's not going to get them out of whatever trouble they are in. , whether it's drugs, violence, or whatever.
And I'm sure that "The Fishers of Men" is the name of a gay club at my old universty...
------------------ "Sorry Wendy, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
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Whoo.... hold on there, pal.... careful when talking about my boys I'm pretty protective of my Fishers of Men....
And yes... there are specific problems.... and they're being dealt with.... they're just problems that are out of my hands, so that's difficult..... things will be fine... in time... but I'm not very patient....
~LOA
------------------ "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again....." ~Simon & Garfunkle, The Sound of Silence
And the thing about the Fish is that as much time as I spend on them, and as many times as I bend over backwards for them, they do the same for me. Especially Dustin... I mean, he's coming with me to my aunt's funeral just so i won't have to go alone. And he'll get up for me at 5:30 in the morning if i need to talk about something. And he calls me every single night to talk, but also to remind me that "Lizzy-poo, I love you..."
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