It spread its influence throughout the stars, collapsing whole governments...
They thought it had gone away.
THEY WERE WRONG!
*cue cheesy space music*
It's the return of the FEDERATION NEWS NETWORK!
AGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now the rule is simple: Come up with the most OUTRAGEOUS, the most hilarious headline or short news story that's based in the Trek universe. Spare no mercy! Anything that can be made fun of is FAIR GAME. Think of this as the cheap tabloid newspaper one would find in any interstellar 7-11 on Bajor. :-)
Let the fun begin!
------------------
"Omae o korusu..." - Heero Yuy
Okay, that was lame...
------------------
"That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!"
- Crighton, Farscape.
------------------
I looked at my son, and said, "My god, he's hung like a bear."
"That's the umbillical cord, Mr. Williams."
-Robin Williams, "A Night at the Met" 1986
Saiyanman Benjita's Dragonball Page
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
4506.7 -- Apparently Tribble/Toupee walked off head during landing party. Enterprise crew members are conducting a thorough search of planet. Kirk described as "distraught"
"We were on the planet," Crewman 2nd-Class Wayne Steigward told reporters today. Assigned to the Security Division aboard the Enterprise, Steigward and Ensign Michael Ford were providing security for the landing party, which also consisted of Dr. McCoy, First Officer Spock, and Captain Kirk. "The Captain began screaming ... his hair was running down his back!"
"I tried to stop it," Ford said, "but it was too small a target for me to hit with my phaser."
First Officer Spock, a Vulcan, had to apply the Vulcan nerve pinch to calm down Captain Kirk.
"He is doing fine, and my prescription for him is lots of rest and relaxation," Dr. Leonard McCoy, the ship's chief medical officer, told reporters when asked about the incident. He them mumbled something about how friends don't give friends the Vulcan "death" grip.
The ship's dashing helmsman, Lt. Hikaru Sulu, who one day dreams of a starship command of his own, theorized about the captain's toupee. "It had to be a tribble," he said. Three weeks earlier, the Enterprise had been overrun by tribbles at a stop at Deep Space Station K-7, where they encountered a Klingon battleship.
Ensign Pavel Chekov said that he believed Kirk's toupee -- a Russian "inwention", as he put it -- must have been lost when Kirk was asleep one night during the harrowing events of the stay at K-7. He theorized that a tribble must have found a perch on Kirk's head and "hung on for it's life!"
"Ah beamed the wee' beasties into the Klingon's engineering room," Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott said proudly when asked how the situation was resolved.
Greenpeace condemned Mr. Scott's actions earlier today in a news statement.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 26, 2001).]
------------------
I looked at my son, and said, "My god, he's hung like a bear."
"That's the umbillical cord, Mr. Williams."
-Robin Williams, "A Night at the Met" 1986
Saiyanman Benjita's Dragonball Page
------------------
*Kenshiro gets off bed made from solid stone*
*Bed made from solid stone explodes*
Fist of the North Star
By Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
53406.5 - Executive Officer of Federation Flagship undergoes surgery to correct walk
Commander William T. Riker, who has served as the Executive Officer of the two lastest Starship Enterprises underwent surgery at Starbase 123 last week to remove the large stick in his rectum which has long been attributed for his peculiar style of walking.
"It's much nicer to walk with him now," ship's counselor Deanna Troi told reporters. "He doesn't try and open doors with his forehead anymore."
Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise, told reporters that Riker was now spending more time sitting in the XO's chair (to the right of the command chair) than pacing the bridge. "It made the junior officers and enlisted crew nervous," Picard admitted, sipping on Earl Grey tea. "They've all calmed down some."
The Enterprise's second officer, Data, the only android in Starfleet, tried to make a joke relating the recent surgery to Riker's recent decision to shave his beard. For decency's sake, this reporter will not reprint the joke.
The Enterprise's Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Beverly Crusher, remarked that Riker appeared to be in a better mood the day after the surgery. "He said it hurt a little, but that he felt much better, although strangely empty."
You may remember Will Riker as the officer who stopped the Borg following the Wolf 359 fiasco, in which bungled Starfleet leadership led to the loss of 40 starships and 20,000 dead. Although offered numerous promotions to captain, he has turned them down. He was cleared by a Board of Inquiry for his role in the destruction of the Enterprise-D, the current vessel's precursor.
"I think the surgery helped correct a major problem I was having," Riker admitted. "Now maybe I'll be smart enough to move up the ladder the next time I'm asked."
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
By Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
53406.7 - Is key Federation outpost haunted by former commander?
The baseball is resting on the keyboard of the small computer kept in the station commander's office. Colonel Kira Nerys picks it up and places it on the small display on the corner of the desk. "That's where it was last night," she says with a wry smile.
But every morning for the last two months, her day has begun by replacing the baseball in it's stand. A prized momento of the station's former commander, Nerys, the Bajoran commander of the Federation outpost Deep Space Nine believes that it is proof positive that Captain Benjamin L. Sisko is keeping a friendly eye on his former post.
"He died the day the War ended," Nerys says sadly. There is no question of which War she is talking about -- the Dominion War, over now for two years, left its mark on the Alpha Quadrant, but especially on the abandoned Cardassian station now known to its crew as "DS9", which played a pivotal role in the War. Sisko died on a secret mission to Bajor, where he was apparently responsible for stopping Gul Dukat, who turned the Cardassian Union over to the Dominion and arguably started the War.
Sisko was known to the Bajorans as the "Emissary", who would guide them into more prosperous times. Vice-Admiral Bill Ross, sector commander, told reporters that "Captain Sisko was just a man, a great man, who did his part to end the War and uphold the faith the Bajoran people placed in him."
Vedek Nal'io, the front-runner to be the next Bajoran Kai, told reporters that "the Emissary guided the Bajoran people for seven years, and helped save us from the Dominion. He will always be alive in our hearts."
Perhaps he's no longer alive, but he's certainly making his presence felt on Deep Space Nine. Although half his former command staff has left for other assignments, the station's chief of operations, Lieutenant Nog (the first Ferengi in Starfleet), said that "I can feel him, sometimes ... like he's standing behind me, watching me. I do my best because I don't want him to feel like I let him down."
Quark, the Ferengi proprietier of the most popular bar on the station -- and Nog's uncle -- remarked that he too has sometimes felt Sisko's presence, although he declined to comment on specifics. Security Chief Lieutenant Aneel was seen to be keeping a specific eye on Quark in the background.
Dr. Bashir and Ezri Dax, the chief medical officer and station counselor -- who happen to be madly in love -- regret Sisko's loss, but haven't thought his spirit to be hanging around. "I miss Benjamin," Dax, a Trill who had known Sisko for over fifteen years, said. "He was one of my closest friends and now he's gone."
"As long as he's in our hearts," Bashir said. "He'll never really be gone."
Jake Sisko, the son of the Captain, helped to compile this article. "I miss my father. I wish he was still here." The young Sisko has been helping to raise his new young sister and his father's widow, Kassidy Yates-Sisko, who has remained on the station following Sisko's death. "I miss him dearly," Kassidy said. "I hope someday to be reunited with him, and I wish he could see little Keyian grow up."
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
------------------
I looked at my son, and said, "My god, he's hung like a bear."
"That's the umbillical cord, Mr. Williams."
-Robin Williams, "A Night at the Met" 1986
Saiyanman Benjita's Dragonball Page
Giant Interstellar Jelly Donut seen orbiting Pollox-7!
------------------
"Omae o korusu..." - Heero Yuy
Anyway:
Latest update on Voyager: They have found a whole fleet of ships claiming to search for Earth. The flagship appearantly is marked with an English word which is spelled 'Galactica'.
------------------
"That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!"
- Crighton, Farscape.
------------------
I looked at my son, and said, "My god, he's hung like a bear."
"That's the umbillical cord, Mr. Williams."
-Robin Williams, "A Night at the Met" 1986
Saiyanman Benjita's Dragonball Page
------------------
Chickety china, the chinese chicken, you have?
By Miguel Molina, special to the Federation News Network
Un-named sources paint bleak picture of secret operation to destroy lost starship. Top-secret branch of Starfleet Intelligence implicated, careers lost, Federation Council investigating
Seven years ago, a tiny starship vanished. She was the USS Voyager, one of the first Intrepid-Class vessels to roll off the assembly line at Utopia-Planitia Shipyard in orbit of Mars. The first command of Kathryn Janeway, her mission was to track down a band of Maquis in the badlands.
"My son just graduated the Academy," elderly Helen Kim told reporters tearfully when told of the news. "And now he's gone forever." Her son, Ensign Harry Kim, was the ship's Operations Officer.
Citizens across the Federation were saddened by the loss of the Voyager, a loss which became more poignent when War with the Dominion broke out. Why had the Maquis been hunted, many asked, when they were the first ones to recognize the Cardassians as a threat?
"The Maquis were endangering our fragile relations with the Cardassian Union," Admiral Howard Weinstein of Starfleet Operations said in a statement at the outbreak of the War. "They were breaking a treaty made in good faith by the Federation Council, and it was Starfleet's job to stop them."
And so the Voyager became a forgotten tragedy -- one hundred and sixty people and one starship lost.
Except she hadn't been lost. New information reveals that Starfleet Command discovered that the ship had been "tossed" to the Delta Quadrant, yet did nothing to facilitate her rescue, and in fact, attempted to cover up her existance at any cost.
Vice-Admiral Tony D'Mato was arrested today by the Federation Bureau of Investigation for his role in the conspiracy. Some have suggested that he is the member of an ultra-secret branch of Starfleet Intelligence, but Intelligence Head Admiral H'og'liian'st'y defused that rumor, stating that "there is not now, nor has there ever been a 'rogue' or 'secret' branch of Starfleet Intelligence. Yes, we run undercover operations, but all of our actions are subject to the Oversight Committee of the Federation Council."
Reports that two fast deep-space exploration starships had been sent on a top secret mission to find and destroy the Voyager were also cast aside by Admiral Weinstein. "That is ridiculous, two ships have been sent to intercept Voyager. We want to bring that ship and her crew home as quickly as possible. They've been gone for seven years and we want them to come home again."
Head of the FBI J'oli Quiee'rt, the first Manopoisan to hold the position, said that Starfleet personell involved in the conspiracy were "not being fully honest with our investigators, and we've only scratched the surface of what is happening." When quieried about the rumors of a secret branch of Starfleet Intelligency, Quiee'rt said, "that is nonsense and the product of an overactive imagination. No such organization exists within the Federation."
Starfleet has lost four of its top Admirals since the investigation began. Vice-Admirals Thomas Paine and Daniel O'rt resigned, Admiral D'Mato has been arrested, and today, Rear-Admiral Solka went AWOL.
An FBI team which went to Starfleet Headquarters to take into custody hard-copies of evidence found the remains of what had been subjected to heavy-phaser fire. Such revelations have only added fuel to the blazing fire.
"We will find out what has happened," Quiee'rt promised.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
------------------
"Omae o korusu..." - Heero Yuy
In an atempt to update on the Voyager matter we asked agent Mulder (an agent with a long line of ancestors in the FBI) to tell us what is the truth about Voyager. He answered only with the following words: "The Truth is out there."
------------------
"That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!"
- Crighton, Farscape.
By Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
It was one of the costliest ground campaigns during the Dominion War, and 25,000 Marines died. Now allegations of misconduct against Gen. Altmeyer have arisen
It was a patch of land roughly one hundred square kilometers, and twenty-five thousand Marines died to take it from dug-in Jem'Hadar troops. General Ilyaro Altmeyer commanded the campaign, and took the credit for the victory, but new information has revealed that he used an old video game to move his troops.
The video game, "StarCraft" was popular in the late twentieth and early twenty-fire centuries on Earth. Players manipulated war campaigns through a simple command box. Gen. Altmeyer modified the game to display his troops, and directed the campaign as if it were a "game".
Lt. Commander Harm Rabb of the Judge Advocate General's Corps, who is prosecuting the General, said today that "to treat the citizens of the Federation who fought under his command as digital 'chess-pieces' is a slap in the face of everything that everyone who died in that War stood for."
When asked for comment, General Altmeyer asked us if we would like to play a quick game of multiplayer "Rainbow Six." This reporter is disturbed by this information -- General Altmeyer's last command was that of Special Operations teams near the former Cardassian border.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
By Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
The captain of a top Federation starship is being investigated after complaints of 'sexual harassment' -- Starfleet refuses to comment
The Horta Ambassador was the first to voice her complaints after apparently being harassed during a trip to Ho'lii III aboard an unamed Federation Starship. "It was in-excusable for a Starfleet officer," she said angrily. "Admiral Cartwright has promised me action will be taken."
An FNN investigation revealed that two Starfleet ships made the journey from Earth to Ho'lii III in the time frame estimated from the covered-up actions, those ships being the Lexington and the Enterprise.
Commander of the Enterprise, James T. Kirk is currently recovering after a distressing "incident" with his toupee, but a senior bridge officer who did not want to be identified was quoted as saying, "I always caught him looking up my skirt. Damn skirt. I probably should've worn some panties."
James T. Kirk has always had a reputation as a "ladies man". Captain Menendez, a former classmate, told us stories of all the girls Kirk would manage to "hook" up with during their cadet training cruise.
"The Captain has never performed in any way other than his proper duties," Second Officer Montgomery Scott told FNN when asked about Kirk's rumored liasons.
Chief Medical Officer Leonard McCoy had to be sedated after an uncontrollable laughing outburst when we asked him the same question. First Officer Spock arched an eyebrow and otherwise did not answer. Of the one hundred and nineteen women assigned to the Enterprise, ninety-six giggled and walked away blushing after being asked the same.
This reporter places his money on James T. Kirk making out with a molten rock.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
Two priests aboard time-travel starship deny evolution in favor of creationism.
"I just can't believe it," Lieutenant Commander Darrel Jones, Executive Officer of the time-ship Isreal, which returned last week after a six-month subjective mission, told reporters. "We went back in time, and jumped forward year by year over a span of twenty-thousand years to catalogue evolution on Earth, and they still don't believe it."
Reverend Karl Witchta held up a bible and proclaimed, "evolution is an evil myth. God exists, and He told us that the world was created in six days! Starfleet is evil!"
Reverend So'lia Kopax said, "perhaps we have underestimated God's time frame, however all this proves is that God took a damn long time in creating the world."
"Heretic!" Witchta was heard to yell at Kopax.
The scientific discoveries made by the crew of the Isreal were released at a press conference held by Commander Frank Cho, Chief Science Officer of the starship last night. The religious members were aboard by the order of Admiral Ray Lewis, commander of the Time-Travel Bureau of Starfleet. "We wanted religious members aboard for a variety of reasons," Lewis commented.
"The mission of the Isreal has confirmed a long standing scientific theory," Cho said. "That of evolution. More time-ships will continue what the Isreal began, and we hope to have a more complete picture of the evolution of all of the planets of the Federation in the next fifteen to twenty-years."
"Evil it is," Witchta said in closing.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 28, 2001).]
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
Accusations on heel of committee nomination
Council-thing O'lp of B'lpi IV was accused today by members of that world's fundamentalist religious group t'lip of engaging in sexual intercourse with a member of a gendered species.
"We 'lp are of no gender," said G'hoi 'lpi, a spokesthing for the t'lip Order. "To engage in improper acts with a species with genitalia goes against H'goi and It's teachings."
O'lp's office had no comment, but Council Member Solor of Vulcan said that "to expect members of a sentient race to behave according to a strict outlook on the universe is illogical."
G'hoi 'lpi responded by saying that the B'lpi species was devoted to the t'lip Order and the teachings of H'goi. "Going against It is treason," G'hoi 'lpi said, later indicating that O'lp could be recalled to face a 'vote of no confidence', which would remove him from the Councilseat.
O'lp had recently been nominated and accepted to the Federation Committee for Resource Management. The alleged improper liason occured with Councilwoman Daria Towson of Earth. When asked how it was even possible to have sex with a person of no gender, Towson blushed and refused to answer.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited February 02, 2001).]
------------------
Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
------------------
"President Bush. It's fun saying that. Go ahead, you try." - M. Lucinsky, Spectrum Editor
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
Starship in Gamma Quadrant lost, some crew lost
"It was huge," rumbles Lt. Gosvar, former Chief of Security for the starship Tokyo, lost last week in a freak accident which devoured the Pelileu-Class Starship, a veteran ship of the Dominion War. "It came out of nowhere."
"I gave the order to abandon ship," Captain Connor H. Macy said at a Press Conference aboard the USS Segur. "There were no other options, we had run through every alternative and I came to the conclusion that the ship would be lost."
The commanding officer in the Gamma Quadrant, Admiral John Kvach, stated that a review would be conducted of Macy's performance in the situation. "I have every confidence that Captain Macy will be exhonerated," he said.
First Officer Melanie Kline was "shocked" about the loss of the ship, but was looking forward to returning to Earth and seeing her daughter again. "I haven't seen her since before the War began, I've been gone that long. I can't wait to get some R&R, but I'm upset that it had to happen this way."
Not all of the crew escaped. Security Officer William Lidic died when he apparently did not awaken despite the loud red-alert klaxon. Nurse Kim Harper, his fiance, was tearful. "He was really tired," she admitted, although she didn't say why he was really tired.
Anvek, the Cardassian liason officer aboard the ship, remarked that the officers and crew were among the most professional he had ever met. Anvek was a member of the "Free Cardassian" movement during the War. "Very professional," he said.
"It was a huge bagel," Lt. Si Kwei, science officer, told reporters. "It was like a dream. It just came out of nowhere, we flew into that hole in the middle -- you know? -- and it caved in on us."
"Lot of white stuff, to," Ensign Kelly van Horn contributed.
"I think that was cream cheese," Assistant Chief of Security Nathan Nadell said.
"Certainly, no one expects to get blown up by a big oversized bagel," Macy said in defending his actions during the incident.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
------------------
"One's ethics are determined by what we do when no one is looking" Nugget
Star Trek: Gamma Quadrant
Star Trek: Legacy
Read them, rate them, got money, film them....
By: Benjita Pavlovich
Stardate: 41153.7
In a shocking discovery, the existance of God has been proven. Earlier, we received word from the USS Enterprise that a portion of the crew disappeared, without the use of transporter technology. Second Officer Data had this to say, "People disappeared, but when we scanned the area, no residue of transporter activity was apparent."
Captain Jean-Luc Picard states that he was teleported to the 21st century without any known scientific method, "We appeared in a courtroom from the 21st century, and a man appeared and enacted a trial to judge mankind."
God, who only refers to himself as Q, enacted the trial, and using his omnipotent powers, he swiftly judged humankind, according to Picard. Mankind may be safe for now, but this was a warning to be heeded. Those who were not believers shall now believe.
The God Q
Bibles, which had been all but banned, were broken out. Cathedrals opened for the first time in centuries, as the appearance of God brought on an apocalyptic feeling amongst the people of Earth. Religious spokesman Tim Robertson: "The appearance and proof of God has given us something we hadn't had in hundreds of years, faith. Looks like the Theory of Evolution has been proven wrong."
Scientists are baffled by this discovery, "We had everything proven. The Theory of Evolution, the Big Bang Theory. Now with the appearance of God, we don't know what is right anymore." Scientists then conducted one last test. The bones of the dinosaurs were, in fact, random bones that just happened to fit together.
Further words of God are expected soon, but for now, this reporter gives only this advice, "Believe. The end is nigh..."
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Though it will go without saying ten minutes into these preceedings, View Askew would like to state that this film is - from start to finish - a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously. To insist that any of what follows is insensitive or inflammatory is to miss our intentions and pass undue judgement, and passing judgement is reserved for God and God alone (this goes for you film critics too...) Just Kidding
So please, before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a film, remember God has a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus. Thank you and enjoy the show.
P.S. We sincerely apologize to all platypus enthusiasts out there who are offended by that thoughtless comment about the platypus. We at View Askew respect the noble platypus and it is not our intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way. Thank you and enjoy the show.
-View Askew disclaimer "DOGMA"
Saiyanman Benjita's Dragonball Page
[This message has been edited by Saiyanman Benjita (edited January 30, 2001).]
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
God admits to playing pranks on humanity for millennia
"The Bible? Hell, I had it transcribed when I was half drunk," Q told reporters yesterday when asked about the creation of the Bible. He freely admitted that it was written "on the seat of my pants. Wait, I'm God, I don't have pants."
He continued to say, that "over the years, the Bible -- both Testaments -- have been so badly mistranslated and misinterpreted, that it's totally different. I like Jews! My son is a Jew, but some people have used the Bible as an excuse to kill Jews. Or homosexuals. Hey, I happen to like homosexuals, they're really good artists."
God went on to bash various religious faiths. "What a bunch of morons. Worship the Protestant way or you'll go to hell! No, it's the Muslim way! You know, it's not the way you worship me, it's that you follow the message."
Asked what that message was, God smiled and replied, "well obviously, I want to be entertained. War! That thing back in the forties was pretty good, but then you came along with nukes and that just sapped all the fun out of it. It took me six days to create the world and you're all ready to blow it up in five minutes. Have you no respect for my work?"
When asked to comment on his "believe, the end is night" statement, God looked surprised. "Good me man! You've only got a life-span of a little over one hundred years! You'll be gone really soon to my perspective anyway ... so, yes, the end is night. Er ... what did you think I meant?"
Responding to charges made by Starfleet Captain Jean-Luc Picard (specificly, that Q/God had taken him back in time to the start of life on Earth), God replied by saying, "how f***ing arrogant to assume that one of my days is equivilant to one of your days. Yeah, that's right, my day is made up of about sixty-million of your years, so there. And you know, that creationism crap is exactly that. I can't just snap my fingers and stuff appears. Well, okay, I can, but yes, your world 'evolved' in a sense -- the theories were correct up to a point, but they fail to take into consideration that I was there at every stage of this so-called 'evolution' making the shit happen. What, you think that fish just walked out of the ocean and grew legs? Nope, I had to entice him with a worm. And it took fifteen thousand trillion fish and a few thousand years before they even got more than a few feet onto the ground."
Told that many beliefs refer to God in texts as "He", God laughed and pulled down his pants. "See? I got both. I'm a hermaphrodite. Both male and female are shaped in part of my form."
Asked why he doesn't have any breasts, God replied that he did, but "they're very small and this is a very sensative subject for me, okay?"
When asked what he was most proud of, God replied: "titty bars! And weed. And Simon Sizer's member, of course."
When asked for specifics, God replied that he just wanted to see if it was possible for one man to be as big as the Empire State Building. He refused to comment on further speculation of how women felt after experiencing Simon "Empire State Building" Sizer.
(This reporter conducted additional research and discovered that a hospital exists for women who can no longer walk due to soreness. Strangely, it is populated by those known to have had a "close" relationship with Simon "Empire State Building" Sizer)
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 30, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 30, 2001).]
------------------
"One's ethics are determined by what we do when no one is looking" Nugget
Star Trek: Gamma Quadrant
Star Trek: Legacy
Read them, rate them, got money, film them....
And in other news, a diplomatic incident has arisen after an unfortunate accident in the Cardassian system.
Whilst ferrying feared war criminal and ladies man Simon Sizer to a hen party in Lessepia, what appeared to be a phaser blast erupted without warning from the U.S.S. Calamity, striking one of the escorting Cardassian vessels. While no serious injuries were sustained by the Cardassians, a series of hull breaches were reported to have occured on the dorsal section of the Crapshit, the unlucky ship.
A report into the incident was immediately instigated by Rear Admiral Crafty-Butcher. Within a matter of minutes, the cause of the powerful discharge was revealed to be none other than Mr. Sizer himself!
This reported learned that Mr. Sizer could not find a bathroom large enough to accomodate him, so he took it upon himself to, in effect, "wind down the proverbial window".
Opening the hangar doors to Shuttle Bay Two, he powered down a section of the Structural Integrity Field to facilitate Nature's urging. Quite a large section, this reporter adds.
Mr. Sizer was not harmed attempting this feat, as the excessive size of, ahem, "him" generates quite a substantial gravity field of it's own. The oval-shaped halo of particles that surround Mr. Sizer's lower abdomonal region (sometimes refered to as "Sol's Second Oort Cloud"), held in place by the sheer magnitude of "his" mass, protected Mr. Sizer from the bare freezing vacuum of space and the danger of naked radiation and pert solar activity.
In fact, the first indication that something was wrong was a slight shift in the gravimetric field surrounding the Calamity.
After Mr. Sizer's "opering salvo", panicky suggestions abounded that it was a cloaked vessel that had opened fire on the Cardassian ship, rumours fueled by the revelation that the gravimetric field had changed just prior to the discharge. Later investigations, however, showed that the distortions in the field were too big to be any cloaked ship. It was most definitely Mr. Sizer.
Compiled here are some sensor images of those few terrifying moments:
http://www.bridgecommander.com/visuals/
Also in Image 4:
Minor damage was also inflicted on another Cardassian ship, the Stain, as an initial "test-the-waters" squirt by Mr. Sizer ricocheted off a small moon. The impact crater on the moon has yet to be named by the Cardassian Insystem Society.
(Sorry I couldn't link da pics directly - they're applets methinks.)
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"Sack me!? I MADE the BBC!!"
[This message has been edited by Gaseous Anomaly (edited January 30, 2001).]
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
Simon "Make Women Sore" Sizer convicted of incident leading to damage to Cardassian Crapshit
Simon "Needs Loose Waisted Jeans" Sizer was convicted today of urinating out of a starship window, inflicting damage on the Cardassian ship Crapshit.
"I apologize for what I did in a panicked moment," Sizer stated today.
Sizer attributed the incident to a lack of bathroom facilities aboard the Calamity.
A civil suit has been filed against God, who endowed Mr. Sizer, apparently on purpose. God, also known as "Q", laughed at the claims, snapped his finger, and told this reporter than the lawyers suing him now had very little members.
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 30, 2001).]
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I will shout until they know what I mean.
--
Neutral Milk Hotel
****
Read three (three!) chapters of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet"! Then, go insane!
quote:
G'hoi 'lpi, a spokesman for the t'lip Order
Surely "spokesthing?"
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"Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If the worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere."
- Dogbert
Our top story tonight: Wesley Crusher meeting women again?
One of our reporters stationed at DS5, who had just finished a two hour, (one-way-communication) interview with Commander William Riker, about his last shoreleave, spotted former-Ensign Wesley Crusher in the local mess hall, apparently standing in line for food. then, just out of the blue, a female lieutenant walk up to him and touched his arm.
Crusher, flitching violently (probably due to long isolation from physical contact with humans), turned around and smiled at her.
We don't know more as of now, our reporter had to go to the ladies room, but we'll be covering this revolutionary development into the life of this 29-year old bachelor.
This just in: A closer look at the "DS5-incident", echoing throughout the solar system, has revealed that the female lieutenant responsible for the emotional meltdown of Mr. Crusher, was just reaching for a napkin behind him.
Counselors have been sent to deal with the rapidly deteriorating situation aboard DS5, trying to contact the native-americans Wesley have been studying with for a time, hoping to avoid any taking of hostages or suicide attempts from Mr Crushers side. Good luck, Wes!
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Here lies a toppled god,
His fall was not a small one.
We did but build his pedestal,
A narrow and a tall one.
-Tleilaxu Epigram
FBA (Federation Basketball Association) Updates: The Pakled Dorks were shut out today by the Terran Blitz, getting walloped 7,980,254,641,127,164 to 0. The Pakled Dorks next game will be against the Dominion Changelings in the hopes that we may never see them again.
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"My Name is Elmer Fudd, Millionaire. I own a Mansion and a Yacht."
Psychiatrist: "Again."
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
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I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma, the."
- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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"I rather strongly disagree, even if I share the love of Dick. Speaking of which, that would be the most embarrasing .sig quote ever, so never use it."
- Simon Sizer, 23/01/2001
Report blames high loss of Galaxy-class starships on improper construction techniques and materials
Reported by Christopher Holly, staff reporter for the Cypress Tattle-Tell
The Federation Council�s Committee on Starship Construction Oversight (C.O.S.T.C.O.) has announced today that it will begin immediate hearing on the construction violations at the famed Utopia Planetia Fleetyards. This was in response to a report by the Starfleet Inspector General Office�s Director of Production Efficiency (D.O.P.E.) that was highly critical of the Fleetyard.
�By willikers, we�ll get to the bottom of this-here mess, I reckon,� stated COSTCO chairperson Councilor Herbert �Bubba� Bushbottom. �I reckon we ain�t gonna allow much more of this tom-foolery to go up there.�
Admiral Timothy Rollins, commander of the now-embattled fleetyard, stated, �Recent reductions in our budget by that hippie council forced us to cut corners. The war means increased production, but a third of our duranium budget was taken away to fight the outbreak of Mad Tribble Disease!�
Construction on starships at the Fleetyard has been suspended until COSTCO reports its findings to the Council. Unfortunately, six starships were slated to be launched later this week to join the Dominion War effort. Those starships (the Simon Sizer, Hanky-Panky, Stallion, Collasus, Indefatigueable, and Domination), will be transferred to the Titan Fleetyards for inspection and launched if all is well.
�To say that what we have done here is endangering the lives of our brave men, women, and things is totally preposterous! Other fleetyards have been doing this long before we started,� added Rollins.
Despite Admiral Rollins�s assurances, the DOPE�s report blames Utopia Planetia entirely for the destruction of the starships Yamato, Enterprise, and Odyssey. Improperly and non-operational warp core ejection systems were installed on those ships at Utopia Planetia. Additionally, using Microsoft Main Computer Protector as an anti-virus program was installed on all Galaxy-class starships instead of the Norton Starfleet Virus Defiler.
This reporter spoke with Commander Christopher Holloway, chief engineer of the starship Cavalier (the most recent Galaxy to be launched). Holloway said, �Yeah, there were problems getting the Cavalier launched on time. No standard GCS bridge modules were available, so we had to use the pathfinder module from the Galaxy�s shakedown. On top of that, it didn�t fit properly, so we were forced to use duct tape to attach the bridge. I also have my copy of Memoirs of a White House Intern propping up a corner of the warp core. And don�t even get me started on why it looks like the nacelles are pointing in the same direction.�
The report also gives shocking indications of intoxicated junior engineers and technicians completing vital components of the starships as well as a general "college dorm" atmosphere in the crew areas. Updates on the hearings and future of Utopia Planetia will be made as reports are filed.
This story appeared in the Cypress Tattle-Tell and was distributed via the Federation Press.
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Nic: She's not a practicing lesbian. We need PRACTICING lesbians!
Me: I have a camcorder.
Nic: But no lesbians.
Me: Ahhh... no.
Nic: DAMN IT MAN! WE NEED LESBIANS! LOTS AND LOTS OF LESBIANS!
ICQ Conversation From January 23, 2001.
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
The Miranda-Class starship has been a Starfleet fixture for almost one hundred and twenty years. At first an experimental program to cobble a starship out of common parts, the Miranda-Class became known as a Starfleet symbol -- the starship with the longest planned operational lifetime of 110 years.
But only nine Miranda-Class starships have survived that time period, and major refits have extended their lifespan. The USS Miranda, prototype of the class, has recently returned to active duty after a three year overhaul. It is projected to be able to remain on duty for another twenty years, although Starfleet Operations refuses to comment on rumors that the Miranda will be retired at that time. The one hundred and seventeen-year old starship is currently ferrying foodstuffs to Cardassia Prime, for the Starfleet Marine Expeditionary/Occupation Forces.
Fifteen Miranda-Class Starships made up the first production run. The most famous of these is the Reliant, second ship of the class, which was destroyed by Starfleet forces in a top-secret action out near the Mutaran Nebula in circumstances which still remain classified today. Of the rest, the Miranda is the only one still in service -- the others have been decomissioned, scrapped, or lost in action.
"The Miranda-Class has served Starfleet and the Federation extremely well," Operations Chief Admiral Howard Weinstein commented. "We hope to keep them in service for quite some time."
Over twenty-seven hundred Mirandas have been constructed across the Federation. Six hundred and eighty remain in service today -- the youngest is the USS Salisbury, which was launched on August 9th, 2351, the year when the Miranda-Class ended production.
When they were first introduced, Mirandas were the most advanced and sleek of the fleet. They carried crews of two hundred plus, and rated a full rank captain to command. Now, many are crewed by no more than twenty officers and enlisted (three ships have a crew numbering only five), and the typical captain ranks a lieutenant.
"It's a great first command," Lieutenant Patrick Hunt of the USS Redstar said. "I've been out of the Academy for three years, and I've got my own ship." Hunt is especially proud -- his grandfather was the first captain of the seventy-six old year Redstar. "He's jealous -- he had to wait until he was a Captain to take command," Hunt, who commands one ensign and fifteen enlisted crew, laughed. Hunt said that most Mirandas are largely used for transport and cargo missions. The Redstar has been assigned to the regular cargo route running from Starbase Seventy-Four to colonies along the Andorian frontier for the last year. "It was more exciting when my grandpa was in command," Hunt observed. "He saw action against the Gorn and Tzenkethi."
One hundred and seven Miranda-Class starships were lost during the Dominion War. An additional sixty-two were retired from service after recieving considerable damage deemed "too costly" by Starfleet Operations to repair.
The Miranda-Class has recently been removed from "Combat Line Starships" by Starfleet Tactical. "The Miranda-Class has proven too vulnerable to modern weaponry," said Captain Chris Martin, Director of Tactical Fleet Operations, when asked to comment on the decision. "Up to date shield generators are too costly to install, and the spaceframe simply can't withstand a quantum torpedo launcher or phaser cannons."
Critics charged that during the War, Miranda-Class ships were used as "cannon-fodder" by Allied commanders to draw Jem'Hadar kamikaze runs away from more powerful ships.
Twenty-eight Mirandas have been retired from active service, stipped of military hardware, and sold to the civilian sector. One, USS Haddington, was purchased by eccentric idustrialist Hark Co'lawn, whose shipyards produced eighteen of the class in the 2320's. "It's a great ship," he said. "I've had it for thirty years, and I plan on keeping it for another thirty. No wonder she's stood in good use, she's sturdy and proud."
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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 6.27 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux (with four eps posted)
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited February 13, 2001).]