It spread its influence throughout the stars, collapsing whole governments...
They thought it had gone away.
THEY WERE WRONG!
*cue cheesy space music*
It's the return of the FEDERATION NEWS NETWORK! AGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now the rule is simple: Come up with the most OUTRAGEOUS, the most hilarious headline or short news story that's based in the Trek universe. Spare no mercy! Anything that can be made fun of is FAIR GAME. Think of this as the cheap tabloid newspaper one would find in any interstellar 7-11 on Bajor. :-)
4506.7 -- Apparently Tribble/Toupee walked off head during landing party. Enterprise crew members are conducting a thorough search of planet. Kirk described as "distraught"
"We were on the planet," Crewman 2nd-Class Wayne Steigward told reporters today. Assigned to the Security Division aboard the Enterprise, Steigward and Ensign Michael Ford were providing security for the landing party, which also consisted of Dr. McCoy, First Officer Spock, and Captain Kirk. "The Captain began screaming ... his hair was running down his back!"
"I tried to stop it," Ford said, "but it was too small a target for me to hit with my phaser."
First Officer Spock, a Vulcan, had to apply the Vulcan nerve pinch to calm down Captain Kirk.
"He is doing fine, and my prescription for him is lots of rest and relaxation," Dr. Leonard McCoy, the ship's chief medical officer, told reporters when asked about the incident. He them mumbled something about how friends don't give friends the Vulcan "death" grip.
The ship's dashing helmsman, Lt. Hikaru Sulu, who one day dreams of a starship command of his own, theorized about the captain's toupee. "It had to be a tribble," he said. Three weeks earlier, the Enterprise had been overrun by tribbles at a stop at Deep Space Station K-7, where they encountered a Klingon battleship.
Ensign Pavel Chekov said that he believed Kirk's toupee -- a Russian "inwention", as he put it -- must have been lost when Kirk was asleep one night during the harrowing events of the stay at K-7. He theorized that a tribble must have found a perch on Kirk's head and "hung on for it's life!"
"Ah beamed the wee' beasties into the Klingon's engineering room," Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott said proudly when asked how the situation was resolved.
Greenpeace condemned Mr. Scott's actions earlier today in a news statement.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 26, 2001).]
53406.5 - Executive Officer of Federation Flagship undergoes surgery to correct walk
Commander William T. Riker, who has served as the Executive Officer of the two lastest Starship Enterprises underwent surgery at Starbase 123 last week to remove the large stick in his rectum which has long been attributed for his peculiar style of walking.
"It's much nicer to walk with him now," ship's counselor Deanna Troi told reporters. "He doesn't try and open doors with his forehead anymore."
Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise, told reporters that Riker was now spending more time sitting in the XO's chair (to the right of the command chair) than pacing the bridge. "It made the junior officers and enlisted crew nervous," Picard admitted, sipping on Earl Grey tea. "They've all calmed down some."
The Enterprise's second officer, Data, the only android in Starfleet, tried to make a joke relating the recent surgery to Riker's recent decision to shave his beard. For decency's sake, this reporter will not reprint the joke.
The Enterprise's Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Beverly Crusher, remarked that Riker appeared to be in a better mood the day after the surgery. "He said it hurt a little, but that he felt much better, although strangely empty."
You may remember Will Riker as the officer who stopped the Borg following the Wolf 359 fiasco, in which bungled Starfleet leadership led to the loss of 40 starships and 20,000 dead. Although offered numerous promotions to captain, he has turned them down. He was cleared by a Board of Inquiry for his role in the destruction of the Enterprise-D, the current vessel's precursor.
"I think the surgery helped correct a major problem I was having," Riker admitted. "Now maybe I'll be smart enough to move up the ladder the next time I'm asked."
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
53406.7 - Is key Federation outpost haunted by former commander?
The baseball is resting on the keyboard of the small computer kept in the station commander's office. Colonel Kira Nerys picks it up and places it on the small display on the corner of the desk. "That's where it was last night," she says with a wry smile.
But every morning for the last two months, her day has begun by replacing the baseball in it's stand. A prized momento of the station's former commander, Nerys, the Bajoran commander of the Federation outpost Deep Space Nine believes that it is proof positive that Captain Benjamin L. Sisko is keeping a friendly eye on his former post.
"He died the day the War ended," Nerys says sadly. There is no question of which War she is talking about -- the Dominion War, over now for two years, left its mark on the Alpha Quadrant, but especially on the abandoned Cardassian station now known to its crew as "DS9", which played a pivotal role in the War. Sisko died on a secret mission to Bajor, where he was apparently responsible for stopping Gul Dukat, who turned the Cardassian Union over to the Dominion and arguably started the War.
Sisko was known to the Bajorans as the "Emissary", who would guide them into more prosperous times. Vice-Admiral Bill Ross, sector commander, told reporters that "Captain Sisko was just a man, a great man, who did his part to end the War and uphold the faith the Bajoran people placed in him."
Vedek Nal'io, the front-runner to be the next Bajoran Kai, told reporters that "the Emissary guided the Bajoran people for seven years, and helped save us from the Dominion. He will always be alive in our hearts."
Perhaps he's no longer alive, but he's certainly making his presence felt on Deep Space Nine. Although half his former command staff has left for other assignments, the station's chief of operations, Lieutenant Nog (the first Ferengi in Starfleet), said that "I can feel him, sometimes ... like he's standing behind me, watching me. I do my best because I don't want him to feel like I let him down."
Quark, the Ferengi proprietier of the most popular bar on the station -- and Nog's uncle -- remarked that he too has sometimes felt Sisko's presence, although he declined to comment on specifics. Security Chief Lieutenant Aneel was seen to be keeping a specific eye on Quark in the background.
Dr. Bashir and Ezri Dax, the chief medical officer and station counselor -- who happen to be madly in love -- regret Sisko's loss, but haven't thought his spirit to be hanging around. "I miss Benjamin," Dax, a Trill who had known Sisko for over fifteen years, said. "He was one of my closest friends and now he's gone."
"As long as he's in our hearts," Bashir said. "He'll never really be gone."
Jake Sisko, the son of the Captain, helped to compile this article. "I miss my father. I wish he was still here." The young Sisko has been helping to raise his new young sister and his father's widow, Kassidy Yates-Sisko, who has remained on the station following Sisko's death. "I miss him dearly," Kassidy said. "I hope someday to be reunited with him, and I wish he could see little Keyian grow up."
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
Latest update on Voyager: They have found a whole fleet of ships claiming to search for Earth. The flagship appearantly is marked with an English word which is spelled 'Galactica'.
------------------ "That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!" - Crighton, Farscape.
CONSPIRACY TO HIDE STARSHIP? INVESTIGATION ORDERED BY FEDERATION COUNCIL.
By Miguel Molina, special to the Federation News Network
Un-named sources paint bleak picture of secret operation to destroy lost starship. Top-secret branch of Starfleet Intelligence implicated, careers lost, Federation Council investigating
Seven years ago, a tiny starship vanished. She was the USS Voyager, one of the first Intrepid-Class vessels to roll off the assembly line at Utopia-Planitia Shipyard in orbit of Mars. The first command of Kathryn Janeway, her mission was to track down a band of Maquis in the badlands.
"My son just graduated the Academy," elderly Helen Kim told reporters tearfully when told of the news. "And now he's gone forever." Her son, Ensign Harry Kim, was the ship's Operations Officer.
Citizens across the Federation were saddened by the loss of the Voyager, a loss which became more poignent when War with the Dominion broke out. Why had the Maquis been hunted, many asked, when they were the first ones to recognize the Cardassians as a threat?
"The Maquis were endangering our fragile relations with the Cardassian Union," Admiral Howard Weinstein of Starfleet Operations said in a statement at the outbreak of the War. "They were breaking a treaty made in good faith by the Federation Council, and it was Starfleet's job to stop them."
And so the Voyager became a forgotten tragedy -- one hundred and sixty people and one starship lost.
Except she hadn't been lost. New information reveals that Starfleet Command discovered that the ship had been "tossed" to the Delta Quadrant, yet did nothing to facilitate her rescue, and in fact, attempted to cover up her existance at any cost.
Vice-Admiral Tony D'Mato was arrested today by the Federation Bureau of Investigation for his role in the conspiracy. Some have suggested that he is the member of an ultra-secret branch of Starfleet Intelligence, but Intelligence Head Admiral H'og'liian'st'y defused that rumor, stating that "there is not now, nor has there ever been a 'rogue' or 'secret' branch of Starfleet Intelligence. Yes, we run undercover operations, but all of our actions are subject to the Oversight Committee of the Federation Council."
Reports that two fast deep-space exploration starships had been sent on a top secret mission to find and destroy the Voyager were also cast aside by Admiral Weinstein. "That is ridiculous, two ships have been sent to intercept Voyager. We want to bring that ship and her crew home as quickly as possible. They've been gone for seven years and we want them to come home again."
Head of the FBI J'oli Quiee'rt, the first Manopoisan to hold the position, said that Starfleet personell involved in the conspiracy were "not being fully honest with our investigators, and we've only scratched the surface of what is happening." When quieried about the rumors of a secret branch of Starfleet Intelligency, Quiee'rt said, "that is nonsense and the product of an overactive imagination. No such organization exists within the Federation."
Starfleet has lost four of its top Admirals since the investigation began. Vice-Admirals Thomas Paine and Daniel O'rt resigned, Admiral D'Mato has been arrested, and today, Rear-Admiral Solka went AWOL.
An FBI team which went to Starfleet Headquarters to take into custody hard-copies of evidence found the remains of what had been subjected to heavy-phaser fire. Such revelations have only added fuel to the blazing fire.
"We will find out what has happened," Quiee'rt promised.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
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