Flare Sci-Fi Forums: Welcome to school! I kiss you!

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Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

I went back to college today.

Originally, I was going to write an entire page of hilarious observations about the life of the modern college student and share them with you. However, this plan hit a snag when I failed to make any hilarious observations.

Instead, I shall report on one thing. I have met the DARKSTAR of, well, religion, apparently. True, honest to Cats, unaltered quotes:

"We have to have One True Religion."

"86% of all people are Christian. If you took away all other religions, Christianity would be the One True Religion."

"People know that I'm usually right, because I download statistics and things from the Internet."

"Do you know if I'm nearsighted or farsighted?"

Um, hello? Of course not! And I think he was trying to get me to give him my glasses. Yes, they turn dark in the sunlight. That is because I am a badass.

Seriously, I feel a little bad about all this. This guy is in my psychology class, and he's obviously dealing with a minor developmental problem or two. He claimed to recognize me from some church bus. In a town I was never in. But he knew my name! Maybe from the class role, but I think it was before that.

Anyway, I have now made a friend, apparently. I wound up giving him a ride home; because he asked, and because I didn't think it was right to just leave him there. I guess he was planning to walk. He doesn't live that far from the college.

Remember anything from all those psychology classes, Liam?

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Not even a god can deny that I have squared the circle of a static Earth and cubed the Earth sphere by rotating it once to a dynamic Time or Life Cube.
--
Gene Ray
****
Read three (three!) chapters of "Dirk Tungsten in...The Disappearing Planet" Or don't. You know, whatever.

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

You are in the death zone, my friend. The death zone.

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"Instructed by history and reflection, Julian was persuaded that, if the diseases of the body may sometimes be cured by salutary violence, neither steel nor fire can eradicate the erroneous opinions of the mind."

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :

quote:
People know that I'm usually right, because I download statistics and things from the Internet

How dare you say you didn't make any hilarious observations!!

But I have to ask, when did Omega move to Washington?

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The negotiations have failed. Shoot him!
~ C. Montgomery Burns

[This message has been edited by Jay (edited March 27, 2001).]

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

I thought Scientology was the One True Religion?

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"For people with resources, the right events happen. They may look like coincidences, but they arise out of necessity." --T�rk Hviid

Posted by Peregrinus (Member # 504) on :

Scientology was the result of a bet between Isaac Asimov and L. Ron Hubbard when they were sitting on an authors' panel at a genre convention back in the late 50s. Asimov bet Hubbard that he couldn't create a viable religion whole-cloth (not taking precedents from any other established religion), and have people buy into it. The stakes: the loser had to buy the winner dinner. Hubbard went home and wrote "Dianetics".

Knowing this, I look at people like John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and Tom Cruise... and I feel sad.

--Jonah

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"It's obvious I'm dealing with a moron..."

--Col. Edwards, ROBOTECH

Posted by Quatre Winner (Member # 464) on :

Must be all the heavy metals in the water from the logging industry. It MUST be that...

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In this crazy world of lemons, baby...you're lemonade!

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

But heavy metal and riverdance have nothing in common... Oooh, that was bad, my stomacha acid is overfloooooowing.... *cough*

Scientology isn't the one true religion, it's the best religion money can buy!!!

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Asimov never said anything about that, though, and with two autobiographies you'd think he could have found the space.

Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :

"GodDAMN, she is SO fucking hot! I would give SO much money to have her be my sexual plaything...or vice-versa. Whatever. I'm flexible. Not as flexible as SHE is, I bet. Oh, wait. She's a Scientologist. Dammit. :::shrugs::: Oh, well. I simply won't listen as she screasm out L. Ron's name after I bang her to multiple orgasms."

Me, commenting on Catherine Bell, 1995.

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"For people with resources, the right events happen. They may look like coincidences, but they arise out of necessity." --T�rk Hviid

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

I must admit, I didn't read that anecdote in the unauthorised biography of L. Ron, "Bare Faced Messiah." Truth is he was pretty much persona non grata in the SF community because he was such a hack.

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

quote:

"86% of all people are Christian. If you took away all other religions, Christianity would be the One True Religion."

Ask him for me, about how many Muslums there are. I believe I read somewhere that it was the fastest growing religion in the world, and that they would eventually out number christains in the USA. Which is bad, since there are already far to many christains.

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Witty Remark

Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :

That's the problem that the rest of the world has with the religious cults in the USA. They all basically believe the same thing, but there's always some dickhead who decides to take Christianity, and create a new religion called Christainity, put his own spin on it and make loads of money.

I couldn't resist, sorry!

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The Worlds Ten Greatest 'Fucks' #7

Watch him - he'll have some fuckers eye out! - King Harold

[This message has been edited by Orion Syndicate (edited March 27, 2001).]

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Yup, Christianity for dyslexics. They worship Dog. 8)

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

It is NOT true that 86% of ALL people are Christians.

according to World Almanac 2001:
1.974 billion people are Christians, of some sort.
1.044 billion of THOSE are Roman Catholics
1.155 billion are Muslims
912 million are Nonreligious or Atheists
799 million are Hindus

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The government that seems the most unwise, oft goodness to the people best supplies. That which is meddling, touching everything, will work but ill, and disappointment bring. - The Tao Te Ching

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Well, we pretty much guessed that. . .

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by Peregrinus (Member # 504) on :

The Scientology thing is from a conversation with Asimov's daughter at a convention. Isaac had written her a letter at one point saying -- essentially -- that early on, yeah, Hubbard won the bet, but there didn't seem to be much reaon to "blow the whistle". Later, Scientology started gaining momentum and doing nasty things like destroying the lives of people on their shit-list, and Asimov didn't want to be put on said list, so he asked his daughter to refrain from doing anything with that letter or its contents until he was no longer a viable target (read: dead).

On the subject of Christianity, did y'all know "catholic" means "all-inclusive"? For some reason, I always giggle when I think about that...

--Jonah

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"It's obvious I'm dealing with a moron..."

--Col. Edwards, ROBOTECH

Posted by Quatre Winner (Member # 464) on :

Actually, it means "universal" but "all inclusive" can work as well, seeing how I am Catholic. (not by choice tho)

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In this crazy world of lemons, baby...you're lemonade!

Posted by MC Infinity (Member # 531) on :

The Islam is the fastest growing religion because it's members have like 12 kids per family. It is a part of their religion to reproduce a lot so they can dominate the world for their religion.

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"Well if it's gonna be that kind of a party, I'm putting my dick in the mashed potatoes!"

-Nimrod 16/4/2001

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

I knew that was their plan. Fucking rag-heads, and their world domination, right?

"Fastest growing religion"

Since , like, when it was invented? Aside from being the most numerous religion for three or four centuries, I'd have to say, yeah, it's fast growing.

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

Posted by BlueElectron (Member # 281) on :

86%?

are you sure about that?

I don't think Christianity is that popular in Asia mainly India, and China, who accounts for more then 25% of the world's population...

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What is the difference between a terriorist and your girlfriend?
- With terrorist, there is a chance of negotiation.

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Nobody reads anymore.

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Apparently not...

And look at what Christianity has done to poor souls like Jordan. Even when they don't want to be part of it anymore, they're still programmed to consider themselves to be in the religion...

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"Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. � Believe in nothing..."
-Tool, �nima

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

At first I thought you meant the Country of Jordan, and was confused quite a bit. Then I realized you were talking about QW.

Which does lead me to ask how can you be Catholic, but not by choice? It isn't like Cerebral Palsy. Well, not quite.

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

Posted by Quatre Winner (Member # 464) on :

Because I was baptised when I was just a few weeks old. Had they not done it, well, I suppose i'd be agnostic which I more or less am now. And as my mother is so fond of telling me, "Once a Catholic, always a Catholic."

Which is why I live some 500 miles away from the woman.

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In this crazy world of lemons, baby...you're lemonade!

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Excuse me, but this thread isn't about religion. It's about the bizarre people who gravitate to me like Deadheads to tie-dye.

I skipped my psychology class today. Does that make me a bad person?

Posted by Malnurtured Snay (Member # 411) on :

You're a horrible person.

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Star Trek Gamma Quadrant
Average Rated 8.32 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux (with seven eps posted)
***
"Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!"
-Omega 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Because of Mincus? (Mincus, of course, being the who follows you closer than Liam to a Man Train)

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

quote:

I skipped my psychology class today. Does that make me a bad person?

I think it's ok, as long as you went to Mass.

quote:

It is a part of their religion to reproduce a lot so they can dominate the world for their religion.

Good plan. Might just work.

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Witty Remark

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

I'm not even Catholic!

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

Mass is for everyone. But then, If you covered your "Mass", some of the looneies might latch on to someone else.

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Witty Remark

Posted by Antagonist (Member # 484) on :

"86% of all people are Christian. If you took away all other religions, Christianity would be the One True Religion."

Wow, now that is a fair assumption, and a contradiction.

I had hoped that by now the worlds' governments, all differences aside, would have banded together in common good to DESTROY stupid people.

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"Turn off every .sig!"

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Well I'm TRYING, but they won't LET me.

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

They WON'T? That's UNFAIR.

*SIGH*

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

After THINKING about it, I CONCUR.

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :

Oh BOLLOCKS to this, I'm going to the PUB.

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The Worlds Ten Greatest 'Fucks' #7

Watch him - he'll have some fuckers eye out! - King Harold

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

WHY are we capitalising RANDOM words?

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

You started it, we modified it, turnip�to.

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

I STARTED it? Oh, frabjous DAY! I've always WANTED to be the GENESIS of a craze!

Actually, I already have been. Several times. Really not sure what you mean, though.

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

"Remember anything from all those psychology classes, Liam?"

There were psychology classes? I thought the information would be injected into us. Possibly by some form of technology.

But, just let me clear this up. Simon, you found the biggest freak in the class, and deceided to become friends with him? Aren't there any lesbian wicca's you can hang around with?

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You know, when Comedy Central asked us to do a Thanksgiving episode, the first thought that went through my mind was, "Boy, I'd like to have sex with Jennifer Aniston."
-Trey Parker, co-creator of South Park

Posted by Orion Syndicate (Member # 25) on :

....or another friend of some lesbian wicca's at least.

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The Worlds Ten Greatest 'Fucks' #8

Where did all those fucking Indians come from? - General Custer

[This message has been edited by Orion Syndicate (edited March 29, 2001).]

Posted by Curry Monster (Member # 12) on :

I think what shit-for-brains meant was that 86% of Americans may be christian? They tend to get 'the world' confused with 'the doughnut munchers'.

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Re: Russia in WWII

"Hey, we butchered Poles! Thats OK."
- DT.

Posted by Vacuum robot lady from Spaceballs (Member # 239) on :

Is still wonder what school would be like if it were indeed attended by Mahir. Probably much like this title, and so for that, I thank you. And kiss. But enough of that.

-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.

[This message has been edited by Ultra Magnus (edited March 29, 2001).]

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

No no, this guy knew me, or claimed to know me.

As the week has gone on, I have learned a bit more, and feel kind of bad for starting this whole thread. I still don't want to be his friend, though. Does that make me evil?

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Yes. But don't worry, you'll get rid of him, then many girls come visit you in your school - you learn alone!

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

If you don't want to be his friend, then you should stop hanging around with him as soon as possible. Otherwise guilt will set in, and you'll be stuck with him for ever. And he'll be your best man at your wedding, and his speech will consist of how you have bene bought together, BY GOD, because GOD wills us all in his divine paddling pool. GOD.

Can't you find some people like us? The "sad kids who are self-aware enough to know they are a bit sad, and also know that sadness can go to far." Or, "people who like Star Trek, know about warp engines, but wouldn't be caught dead wearing a comic-store-guy sized Star Trek uniform."

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

These days I know fuck all about warp engines, so that counts me out.

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Well I guess we'll just count you out of everything, won't we, Hudson?

What the hell is a first-stage magnatomic flux construction, anyway?
(Don't answer that!!!)

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Boy, we're just surging ahead in the obscure-reference stakes, aren't we, Nimmychops? 8)

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Yep, I'm firing away these badboys, and you guys've got seats at ringside!

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Oh, and if I wanted obscure I'd have asked you to let Bishop go in your place. But he's on third, we're not talking about him.

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Just to make a random guess, I'd say ... X-Men.

Posted by Lee (Member # 393) on :

Spot of "Aliens" in there too. Game over, man!

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"Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!"

- Zapp Brannigan

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Well you see, PsyLiam, Bishop has no character-depth whatsoever, he's just a leatherneck mourning losses beyond our imagination, and is totally disillusioned. A correct imitation of him would start and end with a plank of wood.

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Michael O Hare seems the obvious choice to play him then...

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

A black Irishman? I think you overestimate their ch�nces!

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Gaseous Anomaly (Member # 114) on :

o 0
L�J

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At that point, McDonald fired his gun three times in the air to emphasize his point. The crowd, estimated at 350,000, loudly cheered the new candidate.

"Let me make this clear: I am the law! I am your ruler! And you will have fries with that, motherf*cker!"

Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :

Take your pick:

Bishop was Irish?
Michael O Hare was black?
Angel's from Gallway?

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Don't know why I'm telling you this, but O'Hare sounded oirish, and Bishop ist afro. Marsch Pannkaka!

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by Gaseous Anomaly (Member # 114) on :

1. Who is Michael O'Hare?

2. It's Galway.

I'd write something really witty, only the Angel of Death and Debugging is standing over my shoulder, stroking my muse.

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At that point, McDonald fired his gun three times in the air to emphasize his point. The crowd, estimated at 350,000, loudly cheered the new candidate.

"Let me make this clear: I am the law! I am your ruler! And you will have fries with that, motherf*cker!"

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Damn. I wish someone were around to stroke my muse...

Oh, wait. That's not what "muse" means... Er... Nevermind.

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"Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. � Believe in nothing..."
-Tool, �nima

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

quote:

Bishop was Irish?
Michael O Hare was black?
Angel's from Gallway?

I'll take "Angel's from Gallway" for five hundred dollars, Alex!

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Witty Remark

Posted by Nim (Member # 205) on :

Really? Not "Potent Potables"?

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Don't kill me, I'm charming!

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Suck it, Trebek.

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"Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. � Believe in nothing..."
-Tool, �nima