as some of you might remember, my girlfriend of 3 years who i poured my soul into and thought i'd be with the rest of my life cheated on me and left me. obviously this has not been an easy thing to me. what is most perplexing is that the advice i've gotten from my friends who have been through this isn't coming about. supposedly, it will get better soon (since i'm so young and all) and that the more i try to occupy myself with other things the better it will be. ain't happenin. it's been a month since she left, and i'm suffering actual physical pain. every time i do anything it reminds me of her. i have no motivation anymore, and i don't enjoy any of the things i used to. i feel isolated from my friends, and i'm lonely even when i'm in a crowd.
the thing that pisses me off (i mean other than having my whole world destroyed) is that i'm supposed to grin, bear it, and just be glad that she's happy. well fuck that! she obviously wasn't willing to do the same for me. she gave up a happy, stable relationship for the chance of slightly more happiness (which i guess she has achieved) and i'm left with nothing. i also wish the dumb bastard had confronted me like a man instead of sneaking with her. yeah, it might have been ugly, but at least i would have been able to have taken myself out on someone. i wish she had just fucking shot me in the head. what the fuck am i supposed to do? despite the good intentions of my friends, nothing has helped. if anyone here has ever been in this kind of situation, does it truly get better, or am i just starting on a long road of pain? my friends tell me that i should just forget her, and that even if we got back together the relationship would never work because the trust would be broken. i don't give a shit about trust because i want her back more than anything i have ever wanted. but i know that if we got back together again and this sort of thing happened again that there is no way i could bear it a second time. to know that she is in the arms of another person, doing the things that she used to do with me, sharing emotions with someone else. i can't stand it. it makes me physically ill. how can women be so cruel? how could she accept my heart and soul and then just casually dump it like a fast food wrapper? how could she pretend that i was the only one for her when she was seeing someone else? how could she lie bold in my face when our relationship had always been based on trust? what the fuck did i do wrong? i have no answers for any of these.
i have no way of resolving anything, so it just eats at my guts all day, every day. and every day it gets worse. i guess that the shock has worn off. i thought i was so lucky, finding the "one" at 18. now i wish i had never been born. i had no idea this would blow up until it happened. why am i here if i am just going to be miserable? maybe i should go see the psychological services here at my university. if this doesn't get better soon, then i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. if it's going to be like this for the foreseeable future then i don't know if i want to live. i'm sorry to spout all this out here, but i don't know what the fuck to do, and none of my friends are giving me answers that work. this forum has one of the largest collections of smarts i know of (with a few flareites being exceptions) and i was hoping you people could help me come up with something. once again, i'm sorry to burden you with this.
Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :
You know... you say you want to get over it. But the funny thing is, since this problem is entirely in your mind, the trick to getting over it is nothing more than that: WANT TO. Thus, you're current problem is that you DON'T want to. This girl you're pining for? She doesn't exist. She's an idealized fantasy based around what you thought your girlfriend was. You KNOW that this girl didn't care about you, and yet you wish she did. Ask yourself WHY? WHY would you want this girl, who doesn't care a whit about you?
Believe me, man, I have been EXACTLY where you are. The only thing that saved my sanity was that I knew what I wanted, and that I realized that the girl was NOT it. Remember, three basic questions (if I may palgerize JMS):
Who are you?
What do you want?
Why are you here?
Answer them, and the rest will follow.
Posted by Ed / BWC (Member # 818) on :
This happened to Coti once. Listen, there is no reason to make your life miserable over her. You need to put things in persective. If she would do this to you, she wasn't worth it. So get over her and move on with your life. Just because some idiotic girl comes in a acts like a crackhead and goes with this loser she seroiusly has problems. Coti, after being dumped by Cassie, did these things I'm tellin you, and he now earns more than the Jack, me and Jim combined. He is the hope and savior of Middle of Nowhere (at least Lorenzo says). It shouldn't make you sick, ok, ok, maybe for a bit, but it shouldn't interfere with your personal life. Hope this helps.
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
And now for the reality check...
I was with my g/f for less than sixth months. Most of that time, we were at opposite ends of the state, since she went to school out-of-town. After she dumped me, it took a few months before I could even think about seeing someone else, and a few more months after that before I could seriously consider doing it. And, now, one year, one month, and twenty days later, I still can't pretend to be completely "over" her, though I can deal w/ it.
So, yeah, after thre years together, if you were back to normal after a month, I'd be more surprised than I've ever been by pretty much anything. All I can say is that, when they tell you it does get better eventually, they're right. But it takes time. Possibly a very very long time.
BTW, just so everyone knows, I don't actually count the days since my g/f broke up w/ me. I just know the date. I calculated the figure above just now.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
i just talked to erin for 2.5 hours. i feel better now, i guess. but i think she feels terrible now because i let her know how much i sacrificed for her happiness, and i think that she realizes that the person she is with now isn't going to do those things. i just hope she finds what she needs.
Posted by Ed / BWC (Member # 818) on :
Well, if she attempts the I made a mistake I love you angle Cassie did with Coti, dont fall for it. As he said ' Git out o my life'
Maybe not that extreme....
Posted by Ultra Magnus Pym (Member # 239) on :
"Cassie did with Coti, dont fall for it. As he said ' Git out o my life'"
I love you. You make me happy.
Posted by Da_bang80 (Member # 528) on :
Probably better off without her. A buddy of my sister just broke up with some wench about, oh, it was about a month an a half ago. She sucked him dry when it came to cash. (and only cash, he says ) then when he tried to break up ith her cause she bought a TV with his cash (she didn't even ask him this time), SHE exploded at him. He got so mad he physically threw her out of the house and laid charges of theft She just finished her last fine payment last week. The moral of the story is, "if your girlfriend is eying your pocketbook instead of you. It's time to get the hell out of there." You may think i'm a psycho or something, but the only real thing to ease a broken heart is sweet, sweet revenge. Any kind of revenge. The best is posting "certain" pictures of them on the net. I have a story about that but it's completely irrelevent. I was cut off by this whore at school. her name was Jannelle. When I asked her about it she told me I shouldn't have been riding where she was. That really pissed me off. I talked a friend of her boyfriends into getting me a picture of her drunk at a party, with a big bottle of Vodka, and a Joint in the other. I mailed this to her parents and they where so mad that they moved out of the province and I never saw her again. I bet that if she ever found out it was me who sent that picture to her parents, she'd come back here and run me down. That is the story of the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. That was over two years ago. But now that you've talked with her i don't think revenge is in your future. Oh well, I guess I can find someone else to corrupt and alienate. Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :
It is trite to say, and ultimately of no help at all, but things do fade with time. Which would be great, if we were all living in tomorrow, and not today.
It's still true, though, and I think Tim is quite right in pointing out that you shouldn't expect to be anywhere near recovery days or weeks later. You have every right to be depressed for awhile.
Posted by Snay (Member # 411) on :
It is trite. But, as things often are, trite = true. Or at least, more often true then not.
Try not to dwell on it. Go to the gym. Go for runs. Get yourself a new hobby to do something with the time and money you previously invested in a girl.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
i don't want a new hobby. i want erin back. she wasn't some kind of psycho bitch, who used me and then moved on. she decided that i was not giving her what she needed, and that she needed someone else. i hope she is happy with her choice. she was my world.
Posted by Snay (Member # 411) on :
Yeah, but, er, I don't think you're going to get Erin back. And you need something to take your mind off her, at least until some time has passed so the wound is no longer as serious.
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
Only problem w/ that is the fact that, no matter what you try to do, your mind will still wander back to her. Especially if you're doing something like building castles out of Legos. Not exactly something that requires full concentration...
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
i haven't managed to find anything to take my mind off of her. in fact, pretty much anything i do reminds me of her. she helped me organize my legos, so i don't think building with them is a good idea .
Posted by Omega (Member # 91) on :
Find some local daycare to volunteer at. Kids are great for taking your mind off things. Of course, I suppose that that might be a matter of individual personality, but it works for me.
Posted by Capped In Mic (Member # 709) on :
what special power do you have to have a thread about your personal life that doesnt get shut down by mentally disabled board members making fun of you within two pages???
oh well.. also, might i suggest a rebound relationship.. go out and find something to occupy your time. i know its not always possible, but it can be a good time.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
this is going to sound cliche', but i have actually been writing poetry of late. maybe i will continue to do that. it is hard to think of other things when you are worrying about how a verse goes together. if anyone is interested, i'll post one. i'm sorry, Cap'n Mike, that your threads about your personal life get ruined. maybe i'm protected by the RX-78 NT1 action figure that is perched over my monitor...
in regards to a rebound relationship, i don't even think i could look at a woman right now. i just wish that i could have given erin everything that she needed. maybe someday i will be able to do that for someone.
[ July 02, 2002, 09:18: Message edited by: The Real Folk Blues ]
Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :
Ew. Breakup "poetry." And I use the term VERY loosely. I usually write it, look at it, & say "Holy FUCK, this is SHIT."
What got me through last time was anthrotropic one-upmanship. I took everything major that she griped over about me & changed it. Got a job, a car, nearby friends...& then I blew it back at her. Hard. IMMENSELY satisfying.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
i don't think mines rubbish. i've taken a couple petrarch courses, you know. and the complaints that erin had are a little more existential than "car, job, friends".
Posted by Shik (Member # 343) on :
Same with Heather, but they were all t'do with her & not me.
What's the formula again? Half as long as you were together to get over them? No wonder I got Lindsey so quick. But then...I had an in.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
great, i've got a year and half.
Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :
quote: it's been a month since she left, and i'm suffering actual physical pain.
You are 18? a month feels like a year, but it's only a month. You will move on, everybody goes through something like this at some time in their lives, unless they live in caves and run from people.
Posted by Thoughtchopper (Member # 480) on :
Things I do after a breakup to take my mind off it:
1) Plan a heist, like in Ocean's Eleven. 2) Shave other peoples dogs and cats in the middle of the night, but otherwise being as nice as I can to the animal, telling them "Your such a GOOD boy!" (if it's male.) 3) Hack into the Pantex mainframe, like in Hackers (though I personally never get past designing my cool GUI, or even getting it to work like they did in that movie) 4) Volunteer at a soup kitchen. 5) Eat cheerios. 6) Play darts at the county fair. 7) Knit a shirt out of the dog and cat hair. 8) Send shirt to former girlfriend. 9) Catalogue every scar and pimple on my body for future posterity. 10) Find a world record that you think you can break, and go for it. I went for the "most carrots eaten in an hour" record, but I failed miserably. Next time I'm going for the "longest time spent on a pogo stick" record.
These are just a few things that I do after a Breakup. I hope this list helps you find a new hobby.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
quote: You are 18?
no, i'm not 18. in fact, i'm going to be applying to grad schools this year.
Posted by Balaam Xumucane (Member # 419) on :
I was here. It was easily the shittiest time of my life. We lived together. Found them in bed together. I'm still amazed no one died that night. It hurt for a long long time. It takes time, but it does start getting better. I won't lie to you, it never completely goes away, but sometimes you do forget about it for months and months at a time.
Do you have any cynical single friends? Hang out with them. Listen to A LOT of Elvis Costello. Drive your car fast sometimes and listen to music really loud. Paint things. Build sculptures out in the desert and set them on fire. Distract yourself. Of course, the most difficult part, is letting it go. Omega's statements probably seem cruel and harsh, and that's definitely one reaction you can have that is very empowering. The thing is that he's got a point.
When she decided that she did not love and respect you enough to be honest with you and end your relationship before starting another, the girl you loved ceased to exist. She had a choice and she chose to deceive and betray rather than communicate and take difficult action. Ask yourself whether that is a quality you want your significant other to have? It is world-crushingly disappointing that she isn't the person you thought she was, but there isn't anything you can do about that. You may not have realized it, but in some very important ways, she is a weak and selfish person for treating you in such a manner. She is unworthy of your love, and obviously it could not have lasted.
Took me a year and a half. Still a little bitter (obviously). I'm also smarter about this sort of thing. Honesty is very sexy now.
So be bitter. Listen to Elvis Costello. Drive too fast. Don't think about her. Drink some. Get a punching bag. Be busy. Have fun. You are an intelligent young man set to make your mark on the world. There is only one person on earth who is in any way responsible for your happiness. It's up to you to make that happen for yourself.
Posted by Vogon Poet (Member # 393) on :
quote:This is going to sound cliche'd, but I have actually been writing poetry of late.
Promise you'll never inflict it upon us. Or else. . .
quote:Maybe I'm protected by the RX-78 NT1 action figure that is perched over my monitor...
That won't protect you from me. Ask any newbie. 8)
(PS: I took the liberty of adding a few capital letters into your quotes. Looks good, doesn't it? Try it sometime)
I suppose I should add something about the topic in question. All I can say is, things will get better. One day you'll look back on this and laugh. With your true beloved at your side, and the fresh memory of seeing your ex hooking for crack downtown. Picturing that kind of future always helps. 8)
Posted by Ritten (Member # 417) on :
quote:Originally posted by The Real Folk Blues: i don't want a new hobby. i want erin back. she wasn't some kind of psycho bitch, who used me and then moved on. she decided that i was not giving her what she needed, and that she needed someone else. i hope she is happy with her choice. she was my world.
Yep, so was my Dee.... Now we are divorced, effective the Tenth of May.... She said I wasn't controlling enough.. WTF??? I didn't have deep enough wallet for her, as I see it...
Although, I was a practising drunk for the majority of our relationship, so I made my one bed....
For the longest time I missed her, she was one part of my binary system, the booze was the other... then my son made it a trinary...
After drinking for a while longer I moved on, it took time, flashes of pain that numbed me....
You'll make it, it'll hurt like fuck for a time, but it will pass.... Like a death give it a year to be out of your system enough to truly function again....
Good luck....
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
i appreciate the advice everyone has given. if someone had suggested 6 months ago that this was going to happen, i would have said you were insane. i guess that is the story of everyone's life. dammit this sucks. the adjustment to her not being here is one of the hardest things, as i always planned everything with erin in mind. it really is like half of me has been taken.
Posted by Daryus Aden (Member # 12) on :
Mate, you have to start thinking of yourself as YOU, and not 'us'. Difficult transition to make, but once you realise that fact, you may start to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Determine what you want. This won't happen in five seconds. Then, do your best to go for it.
In the meantime, spend time with friends and take each day as it comes.
Posted by Toadkiller (Member # 425) on :
And just maybe if you are still dwelling on "maybe not wanting to go on" talking to the psych folks at your school might be a good idea.
Seriously - I had a cousin shoot himself and I can tell you that it is not worth that. There are (about) 3 billion other women out there several million of which are probally cooler than Erin even if it doesn't seem so just now.
It does take quite awhile, it is very difficult, etc. as above. It is also quite likely a needed step in being able to handle "the one" when she comes along IMHO.
Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :
quote: Promise you'll never inflict it upon us.
LOL, from a Vogon Poet no less.
Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :
Sometimes, just sometimes, just a very, very little, I want my gf to leave me.
Especially when she doesn't wash the dishes for a week.
"Listen, hon, I'm the one earning all the money, driving 45 minutes each way, paying all the bills, buying the new furniture, making sure YOUR outstandig credit card bills get paid, and doing all the shopping, plus driving you anywhere you want to go when I'm home. I know you're sick and your head hurts and you have really bad fatigue problems, but is it asking the impossible that you wash your bowl when you're done with it and don't use a new glass EVERY TIME you want a drink of water??"
*sigh*
I love her.
[ July 03, 2002, 14:10: Message edited by: First of Two ]
Posted by Vogon Poet (Member # 393) on :
And vy, Herr First, are you not beink zer vun to be leaving her? Ja, ja, very interestink this is, ve are seeing zer underlyink psychosis. Please to be tellink me about your mother. 8)
Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :
I answered that question with my last line. Her positives still outweigh her negatives.
She's my equal on most subjects (and surpasses me in most of the Arts), is quiet, reads a lot, agrees with most of my views on religion, economics, society, etc., likes Star Trek and SF and Fantasy, can spot a bargain a half-mile away, introduces me to new subjects and experiences (thereby holding my fickle attention), and on those rare occasions she's able, her NFBSKing is better than all those who came before her.
And she, for some reason I really can't fathom, loves ME.
[ July 03, 2002, 18:06: Message edited by: First of Two ]
Posted by Professor Chaos (Member # 621) on :
Well, I'm sure that made RLB feel better.
[ July 03, 2002, 18:23: Message edited by: Professor Chaos ]
Posted by Vogon Poet (Member # 393) on :
I'm not saying you should leave her, I just wondered at the way you phrased it - that you wish she'd leave you. It's perfectly natural, sometimes, to wonder if you should just call it a day; but if you're actually falling short of that and instead hoping she's the one to make the decision, then that's not right.
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
"...NFBSK..."
I want to know what this means, but, at the same time, I know I don't want to know...
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
i've had a couple long conversations with Erin, and i have officicaly taken the moral high ground. i'm also quite angry that she didn't choose a better person to leave me for, as her new boyfriend seems quite the ass of little substance. it also helped that my brain made an appearance last night and i started to really think about everything. if Erin wasn't willing to give our relationship a little more time to fix the problem she saw (the problem being i needed her too much), and since she had no problem hooking up with a coniving son of a bitch on the first oppurtunity, then i don't think that we would have lasted. now my problem is that i don't know any other girls, since i have spent the last 3 years being completely devoted to one. i never fucking win.
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
"now my problem is that i don't know any other girls, since i have spent the last 3 years being completely devoted to one. i never fucking win."
And? So fucking what? Getting into a relationship now would be one of the worst things you could do.
So you don't know any girls. Go out with your male friends. Go bowling. Go to a bar. Watch sports. Talk about nerdish stuff. Relax. Not being in a relationship doesn't actually make you a social cripple.
Posted by The Real Folk Blues (Member # 510) on :
yeah, but i miss female company. *shrugs* what happens, happens. just wish my friends weren't all gone tonight due to the 4th of july.
Posted by Ritten (Member # 417) on :
No, being online too much makes one a social cripple...
It is night's like this that drive me up the wall.... I miss my family, my sone, and now, my ex-wife.... I should be watching the fireworks with my family, not typing this self-pity shit in this forum... But things don't work out quite like you intend them to, so you have to learn to deal with it and keep living....
I don't mean to be insensitive too your, or the Captain's, problems, but too be truthful, there is really know sage like advice anyone here can offer either of you. Each of us had to work our ways through our problems, some of us even before this internet thing was thought of... or during it's conception and basic text only versions....
Now, this old drunk has to go and fight off the urge to tip the bottle and get stupid drunk and going on a self-pity trip...
Life sucks, live it or kill yourself....
If you have tried both, then yes, you maybe a loser...
Like a redneck joke...
If that was in bad taste, oh well...
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
"some of us even before this internet thing was thought of... or during it's conception and basic text only versions...."
Wow. That's the first time I've ever seen someone try and show maturity by referring to old pre-MOSIAC web browsers.
Posted by Ritten (Member # 417) on :
Yeah, feeling older than I should, tomorrow is also my birthday....
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
) then when he tried to break up ith her cause she bought a TV with his cash (she didn't even ask him this time), SHE exploded at him. He got so mad he physically threw her out of the house and laid charges of theft She just finished her last fine payment last week. The moral of the story is, "if your girlfriend is eying your pocketbook instead of you. It's time to get the hell out of there." You may think i'm a psycho or something, but the only real thing to ease a broken heart is sweet, sweet revenge. Any kind of revenge. The best is posting "certain" pictures of them on the net. I have a story about that but it's completely irrelevent. I was cut off by this whore at school. her name was Jannelle. When I asked her about it she told me I shouldn't have been riding where she was. That really pissed me off. I talked a friend of her boyfriends into getting me a picture of her drunk at a party, with a big bottle of Vodka, and a Joint in the other. I mailed this to her parents and they where so mad that they moved out of the province and I never saw her again. I bet that if she ever found out it was me who sent that picture to her parents, she'd come back here and run me down. That is the story of the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. That was over two years ago.![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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