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Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

When I am finally elected...

There are a few things I'm going to change.

1) Ticket brokers will be rounded up and fed to ravenous weasels.

2) The restoration of the original Pledge of Allegiance and coinage.

3) Churches and ministers which seek to become politically active as such will have to pay taxes like any other political organization.

4) A whole lot of crimes will now be punishable by death, especially rape, and child abuse.

5) Parole will no longer exist.

6) Future "Star Trek" programs will be funded by the government as "educational programs" and "human services."

7) Teachers will rule the classrooms. Experienced Teachers will make school policy. All teachers will be issued weapons and allowed a 10% casualty rate.

8) People with library books more than a year overdue will be rounded up and deported to Greenland.

9) Committing a crime with a gun will earn you an automatic, non-negotiable 10 years to your sentence. Preventing a crime with a gun will earn you a medal.

10) People who signal left and turn right, or vice versa, will be deported to England or some other country where they drive on the wrong side.

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :

Every time I think you are going nuts, you come up with something this good! I'm still on the band wagon!!

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PARTURITION

Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :

Is he making fun of right extremists or is he serious??

Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

my pastor pays taxes, First.

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2 FINALS REMAINING! College is taken care of, summer job; check, now if I could get that girl back to her old self.

Oh, and that sig.file. :)

Wheelersburg Correctional Facility
#05301999-1382

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

RW: Right Extremists would NEVER go along with points 2 and 3, especially 2, since it would involve removing "under God" from the Pledge and "In God we Trust" from the coins.

1,7,8, and 10 are half-jokes, based on annoying personal experiences. I will explain further.

about 1: I saw a special last night about ticket brokers. These legal scalpers use highly unethical means to acquire tickets, jack up the price, by as much as 1000% and resell them to people who will pay a lot more, rather than the fans who stand in line for hours to get them. The tickets sometimes never even reach the ticket windows. Some of them even have multiple credit cards, each with a different name, just so they can sneak by the 8-ticket limit some places have. They usually take all the best seats, and sometimes ALL the seats. This is one of the reasons Billy Joel stopped giving concerts.
(not that I watch Billy Joel, but if the same thing happened to me for a Tori concert, I'd want their heads!)

about 7: In schools we very much need to give powers of discipline, as well as curriculum, back to the teachers.
Despite the recent Columbine-related hoopla over needing "self esteem" in our school system, the truth is that the "real" world doesn't give a damn about your self esteem. Get used to it.

about 8: I am a librarian. It is damn annoying, not to mention expensive for everyone, when some rotten p.o.s. obtains a library card, checks out several books, then disappears. Kids' books can cost between $16 - 25 apiece. My budget for Children's books is only $2000. Replacing stolen books can suck up a huge amount of that, and the kids lose out by not having even newer books and a full collection. What's worse is when the people with overdue books live only a short drive away. We send mail to, and usually call, all people with overdue books. And very often we hear: "Yeah, I got 'em. I'll return 'em tomorrow." BUT TOMORROW NEVER COMES!

about 10: oh, come on, we've ALL probably seen a huge number of near-accidents or actual crashes caused by idiots who do this. Mostly I wrote this one because some idiot did just that and almost crashed into my car today.

I'm actually fairly serious about the rest.
But mostly I just felt like starting an argument.

bryce: the same percentage of income as the rest of us?

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

The only reason I'd want you as my dictator would be number 6...

Perhaps getting it into the educational system once you have time, First?

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Garak: "I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. But I don't trust coincidences." (DS9: "Cardassians")

Posted by Jedi Weyoun (Member # 110) on :

First of Two: about no. 8? In first or second grade i checked out a library book from our school library and CLEARLY remembered returning it. it was, however, and smaller sized book than the ones it was shelved with and got 'lost' in the rack it had been returned to. i was hounded for about a year about returning that book, even after my mom and i went thru my entire room at home, and most of the house. the dumb librarian (no offense to you, here) finally found the thing when she did her inventory either that year or the following one...but EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME i went in there she was hesitant to let me take another book. *grumbles* *finishes letting off steam and exits*

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Clones are People Two

"The Force is like duct tape: it has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together"
([[[[[[*]}��

Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :

I was declaiming on a very similar subject today.

I submit the following for your consideration:

Attorneys would be limited to 10% of the settlement or a flat fee of $15.00 per hour, which ever was less, split amongst the attorneys involved in the case.
In case of a class action suit, no attorney may collect an amount greater than that awarded to any individual plaintiff, i.e.: if 100,000 plaintiffs were awarded $1,000,000, then the attorneys would split roughly $10.
It would only be a misdemeanor to intentionally shoot and kill insurance company officials. The maximum penalty would be a fine equal to the cost of cleaning up the mess. If you clean up the mess yourself, you don't pay anything.
It shall be legal (and strongly encouraged) to bludgeon anyone getting into the express-lane with more than the maximum items.
Baseball bats or other implements of discipline will be provided at all express-lane checkout counters. The number of whacks due to the miscreant is equal to the number of items in excess of the posted maximum.
People who walk into your office 30 minutes before quitting time with 1 hour's worth of work for you may be told to "come back tomorrow". If that person is eager enough to get the work accomplished, you would be entitled to receive an absurd amount of compensation for your generosity should you deign to fulfill the supplicant's request. Something on the order of $100 per hour would be nice (and all fractions thereof round up!)

--Baloo

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If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked,
are tree surgeons debarked and ecologists denatured?
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/

[This message was edited by Baloo on May 19, 1999.]

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Baloo: I agree with points 1 and 4. Especially 4, as I constantly have patrons coming in near closing time with reports to write that are due the next day. I could get RICH off of that...
2 and 3, while well-intentioned, could probably not be enacted.

Weyoun: Well, I'm mostly talking about adults here. Most of the people who do the actual checking out of books here are adults. We expect them to be sufficiently responsible to see to it their kids' books get back to us.

Also, we do inventory frequently (indeed, I'm doing it this month, and am currently on the 398.2's (Fairy Tales)). If we were to find a book that had been declared overdue, we would immediately check it in, delete the fine, and notify the person we thought had it that their good name had been cleared. If we couldn't reach them, we would put an electronic "message" on their computer file which would remind us the next time we scanned their card.
However, there ARE some unscrupulous people (present company excepted) who will attempt (sometimes successfully) to sneak their overdues back on the shelves to avoid paying the fine (and then act all self-righteous when we ask about it.)

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

Baloo, amen.

But may I add an item or several from my own multi-count gripe list?

*On the road, it shall be an offense to use an exit lane as a passing lane. Persons doing so may be "bumped."

*Likewise, persons unable to correctly or courteously operate a motor vehicle because they are reading the paper, reading work documents, putting on make-up, playing with the baby, using more than one hand to stuff their faces, or TALKING ON THE FUCKING PHONE WHICH HAS BEEN FIXED TO THEIR EAR FOR THE LAST TEN GODDAMN MILES may also be "nudged" as a reminder of their transgression.

*The express lane is for "express" sales: CASH ONLY, no checks, you cannot buy stamps, you cannot send the clerk to unlock the cigarretes case for you, you may not sort out all your damn coupons, and if any item requires a price check you don't get to buy it.

*In the town where I live, if not the whole state, slowing down even a single vehicle behind you by waiting to make a left turn without a dedicated left turn lane or a green arrow gets you a ticket. No exceptions.

*Talk back to the screen or loudly to your friends during the movie, buy everyone popcorn.

*No boss may ever use phrases such as "WE would be happy to" unless it can be scientifically demonstrated that all of the people included in "we" are truly happy about it.

Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

First: I'll mail him and ask.

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2 FINALS REMAINING! College is taken care of, summer job; check, now if I could get that girl back to her old self.

Oh, and that sig.file. :)

Wheelersburg Correctional Facility
#05301999-1382

Posted by Montgomery (Member # 23) on :

To deal with the meanace of mobile phones whilst driving, merely fit one these handy little Acme EM Pulse Generators to your dashboard.
It's highly directional transmitter is encased in an attractive leather case that makes it the ideal accessory for your motor vehicle. Should you desire to use it, merely aim your Acme EMPG at your desired victim car. The press of your horn will discharge the unit, and treat the miscreant to an alarming introduction to the downside of electrical appliances you put near your face.
For a small additional sum, a bonnet-mounted phaserbank can be supplied, for those troublesome drivers who cut you up or otherwise endanger your person. Small, discreet, and operating at 500MWatts. All for �399.99/ $599.99

BTW, we drive on the only logical side of the road. How can one JOUST if one drives on the RIGHT?!?!?!?!

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"Now then, I believe Random Pavarotti disease is a psychological ailment and we should find it in the otherworldliness of Vince's brain."
"Ohw, rubbish. I reckon Random Pavarotti disease is a physical condition......
Let's go and look at 'is bum!"

-Rex the Runt

Posted by Montgomery (Member # 23) on :

Double post again folks!

Good thing I joined the cult...

[This message was edited by Montgomery on May 20, 1999.]

Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :

*shrug* Maybe America was discovered by left-handed Knights.

Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :

LOL

The Knights Tumbler, who enjoy a good stiff drink before some left handed Jousting.

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PARTURITION

[This message was edited by The Excalibur on May 20, 1999.]

Posted by Feste on :

If I decide to cast my lot with yours on your climb to despotism, what do you intend to do about gum crackers, junk mail, and oh - my weasel landlord? I was going to mention my pet peeve - theater morons - but Xentrick beat me to it. Suggest Monty's Acme EM Pulse Generator be mass produced and made easily affordable; it should also work on high decibel boom boxes.

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"'I'm afraid there's nowhere for you to sit,' I said coldly; 'the verandah is full of goats.'" --Saki "The Guests"

Posted by Jubilee (Member # 99) on :

Good, good... I see my plan is unfolding perfectly..... *GRIN*

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16 days and counting........
*HUGE EFFING BIGASS GRIN*
"Never underestimate the light side .......... ...... of duct tape."

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

YOUR plan???

anyway... more changes.

I will add to the theatre statutes that anyone who brings a child under 2 to ANY movie, shall have to stand by after the movie while everyone disturbed by the child's crying, screaming, barfing, etc. punches them.

No mail addressed "occupant" or "current resident" will be accepted at the post office.

It will also be an offense to pass stopped traffic on the shoulder. Violators will be responsible for damage to any cars which get in their way.

Playing your car stereo so loud that it shakes windows of people's houses will be grounds for summary execution.

Importing illegal drugs by private plane will no longer result in forced landings, but in being shot down. Private boats attempting to bring in drugs may be sunk.

Criminals will be treated with the precise degree of mercy they showed to their victims. Sadistic criminals will recieve sadistic treatment.

HMO's will be forbidden to override treatments or prescriptions if they are reccommended by more than one doctor.

People who make bad remakes of Japanese children's shows and try to pawn them off on our puplic (The Power-less Rangers, etc) will be deported to North Korea.

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Why not just blow the whole damn planet up? It's lost most of the novelty.

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"You can't catch me where I'm gonna fall. You can't catch me where I'll hide. This world's too cold, this Nova rolls. I'm moving to the sun."
--
They Might Be Giants

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

That's an interesting comment for Sol to make as he is the whole system and it's similar to losing an arm for us.

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Garak: "I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. But I don't trust coincidences." (DS9: "Cardassians")

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Nope, not gonna blow the whole planet up.

At least.. not until I find another place to emigrate to.

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

My pastor says he pays taxes at the same rate the rest of us do.

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2 FINALS REMAINING! College is taken care of, summer job; check, now if I could get that girl back to her old self.

Oh, and that sig.file. :)

Wheelersburg Correctional Facility
#05301999-1382

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

I don't see it as losing an arm so much as removing a tumor.

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"You can't catch me where I'm gonna fall. You can't catch me where I'll hide. This world's too cold, this Nova rolls. I'm moving to the sun."
--
They Might Be Giants

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Okay, good enough for income taxes... but what about property tax? You know, the money we pay so we can continue to live on the land we bought in the house we paid for?

*thought most recognized religions are supposed to enjoy some order of tax-exempt status*

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

My church owns his house(our parsonage). It is a luxury we provide for him. We do it because we feel we should (there is a verse we base this on), but as far as his income goes, it's the same. Pastors aren't the only professions with a house provided either. We pay the taxes on his house, but that comes out of our budget. If we didn't have a place for him then we'd end up paying him more, too.

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2 FINALS REMAINING! College is taken care of, summer job; check, now if I could get that girl back to her old self.

Oh, and that sig.file. :)

Wheelersburg Correctional Facility
#05301999-1382

Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

Oh...if your going to go back to doing things the old fashioned way, why don't you restore all the old state churches from colonial times.

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2 FINALS REMAINING! College is taken care of, summer job; check, now if I could get that girl back to her old self.

Oh, and that sig.file. :)

Wheelersburg Correctional Facility
#05301999-1382

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Well, there was that whole constitution thing...

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"You can't catch me where I'm gonna fall. You can't catch me where I'll hide. This world's too cold, this Nova rolls. I'm moving to the sun."
--
They Might Be Giants

Posted by Montgomery (Member # 23) on :

I get the feeling Sol wants to make a fresh start with Mars.

This seems the appropriate thread to remind everyone of my constantly-advancing research into Dr Monty's Bascillus. which when released into the atmosphere will make all women beautiful and destroy all men over 5'9".

First can still be dictator, so long as he doesn't stand up.

-Rex the Runt

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Careful Bryce, if we go back too far they'll be throwing you in with lions again.

Of course, you got even for that with the Inquisition and Salem, right?

I was talking about going back to Constitutional times. Not before, as the systems of government that predated the Constitution were in conflict and not nearly as well done.

You know, when this country was founded less than 5% of people belonged to any organized church.

*has infiltrated Monty's project and obtained the vaccine. Is keeping it all for himself.*

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You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!

Posted by The Excalibur (Member # 34) on :

My sister the Pastor also pays income tax, and has went a few rounds with the IRS.

Kill all the lawyers.(WS)

Monty wants me dead?? (5,11)

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PARTURITION

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Seriously though, I love Earth. It's where I keep all my stuff.

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"You can't catch me where I'm gonna fall. You can't catch me where I'll hide. This world's too cold, this Nova rolls. I'm moving to the sun."
--
They Might Be Giants

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Wow. I've never had my home planet referred to as a fun-filled, interesting, stuff-filled tumor before. Today's just my day!

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Garak: "I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. But I don't trust coincidences." (DS9: "Cardassians")

Posted by bryce (Member # 42) on :

Because there were not enough pastors to go around. They traveled on horseback all around the country to preach revivals. Every month or less often a minister would come and preach a revival where ever he (no females then) could. There weren't any churches to belong to unless you lived in developed parts of the orginal 13.

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9 DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION!

Summer job; check, now if I could get that girl back to her old self.

Oh, and that sig.file. :)

Wheelersburg Correctional Facility
#05301999-1382