1) Ticket brokers will be rounded up and fed to ravenous weasels.
2) The restoration of the original Pledge of Allegiance and coinage.
3) Churches and ministers which seek to become politically active as such will have to pay taxes like any other political organization.
4) A whole lot of crimes will now be punishable by death, especially rape, and child abuse.
5) Parole will no longer exist.
6) Future "Star Trek" programs will be funded by the government as "educational programs" and "human services."
7) Teachers will rule the classrooms. Experienced Teachers will make school policy. All teachers will be issued weapons and allowed a 10% casualty rate.
8) People with library books more than a year overdue will be rounded up and deported to Greenland.
9) Committing a crime with a gun will earn you an automatic, non-negotiable 10 years to your sentence. Preventing a crime with a gun will earn you a medal.
10) People who signal left and turn right, or vice versa, will be deported to England or some other country where they drive on the wrong side.
------------------ You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!
posted
RW: Right Extremists would NEVER go along with points 2 and 3, especially 2, since it would involve removing "under God" from the Pledge and "In God we Trust" from the coins.
1,7,8, and 10 are half-jokes, based on annoying personal experiences. I will explain further.
about 1: I saw a special last night about ticket brokers. These legal scalpers use highly unethical means to acquire tickets, jack up the price, by as much as 1000% and resell them to people who will pay a lot more, rather than the fans who stand in line for hours to get them. The tickets sometimes never even reach the ticket windows. Some of them even have multiple credit cards, each with a different name, just so they can sneak by the 8-ticket limit some places have. They usually take all the best seats, and sometimes ALL the seats. This is one of the reasons Billy Joel stopped giving concerts. (not that I watch Billy Joel, but if the same thing happened to me for a Tori concert, I'd want their heads!)
about 7: In schools we very much need to give powers of discipline, as well as curriculum, back to the teachers. Despite the recent Columbine-related hoopla over needing "self esteem" in our school system, the truth is that the "real" world doesn't give a damn about your self esteem. Get used to it.
about 8: I am a librarian. It is damn annoying, not to mention expensive for everyone, when some rotten p.o.s. obtains a library card, checks out several books, then disappears. Kids' books can cost between $16 - 25 apiece. My budget for Children's books is only $2000. Replacing stolen books can suck up a huge amount of that, and the kids lose out by not having even newer books and a full collection. What's worse is when the people with overdue books live only a short drive away. We send mail to, and usually call, all people with overdue books. And very often we hear: "Yeah, I got 'em. I'll return 'em tomorrow." BUT TOMORROW NEVER COMES!
about 10: oh, come on, we've ALL probably seen a huge number of near-accidents or actual crashes caused by idiots who do this. Mostly I wrote this one because some idiot did just that and almost crashed into my car today.
I'm actually fairly serious about the rest. But mostly I just felt like starting an argument.
bryce: the same percentage of income as the rest of us?
------------------ You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!
posted
First of Two: about no. 8? In first or second grade i checked out a library book from our school library and CLEARLY remembered returning it. it was, however, and smaller sized book than the ones it was shelved with and got 'lost' in the rack it had been returned to. i was hounded for about a year about returning that book, even after my mom and i went thru my entire room at home, and most of the house. the dumb librarian (no offense to you, here) finally found the thing when she did her inventory either that year or the following one...but EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME i went in there she was hesitant to let me take another book. *grumbles* *finishes letting off steam and exits*
------------------ Clones are People Two
"The Force is like duct tape: it has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together" ([[[[[[*]}�������������������������
posted
I was declaiming on a very similar subject today.
I submit the following for your consideration:
Attorneys would be limited to 10% of the settlement or a flat fee of $15.00 per hour, which ever was less, split amongst the attorneys involved in the case.
In case of a class action suit, no attorney may collect an amount greater than that awarded to any individual plaintiff, i.e.: if 100,000 plaintiffs were awarded $1,000,000, then the attorneys would split roughly $10.
It would only be a misdemeanor to intentionally shoot and kill insurance company officials. The maximum penalty would be a fine equal to the cost of cleaning up the mess. If you clean up the mess yourself, you don't pay anything.
It shall be legal (and strongly encouraged) to bludgeon anyone getting into the express-lane with more than the maximum items.
Baseball bats or other implements of discipline will be provided at all express-lane checkout counters. The number of whacks due to the miscreant is equal to the number of items in excess of the posted maximum.
People who walk into your office 30 minutes before quitting time with 1 hour's worth of work for you may be told to "come back tomorrow". If that person is eager enough to get the work accomplished, you would be entitled to receive an absurd amount of compensation for your generosity should you deign to fulfill the supplicant's request. Something on the order of $100 per hour would be nice (and all fractions thereof round up!)
--Baloo
------------------ If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, are tree surgeons debarked and ecologists denatured? www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/
[This message was edited by Baloo on May 19, 1999.]
posted
Baloo: I agree with points 1 and 4. Especially 4, as I constantly have patrons coming in near closing time with reports to write that are due the next day. I could get RICH off of that... 2 and 3, while well-intentioned, could probably not be enacted.
Weyoun: Well, I'm mostly talking about adults here. Most of the people who do the actual checking out of books here are adults. We expect them to be sufficiently responsible to see to it their kids' books get back to us.
Also, we do inventory frequently (indeed, I'm doing it this month, and am currently on the 398.2's (Fairy Tales)). If we were to find a book that had been declared overdue, we would immediately check it in, delete the fine, and notify the person we thought had it that their good name had been cleared. If we couldn't reach them, we would put an electronic "message" on their computer file which would remind us the next time we scanned their card. However, there ARE some unscrupulous people (present company excepted) who will attempt (sometimes successfully) to sneak their overdues back on the shelves to avoid paying the fine (and then act all self-righteous when we ask about it.)
------------------ You're just JEALOUS because the little voices talk to ME!
But may I add an item or several from my own multi-count gripe list?
*On the road, it shall be an offense to use an exit lane as a passing lane. Persons doing so may be "bumped."
*Likewise, persons unable to correctly or courteously operate a motor vehicle because they are reading the paper, reading work documents, putting on make-up, playing with the baby, using more than one hand to stuff their faces, or TALKING ON THE FUCKING PHONE WHICH HAS BEEN FIXED TO THEIR EAR FOR THE LAST TEN GODDAMN MILES may also be "nudged" as a reminder of their transgression.
*The express lane is for "express" sales: CASH ONLY, no checks, you cannot buy stamps, you cannot send the clerk to unlock the cigarretes case for you, you may not sort out all your damn coupons, and if any item requires a price check you don't get to buy it.
*In the town where I live, if not the whole state, slowing down even a single vehicle behind you by waiting to make a left turn without a dedicated left turn lane or a green arrow gets you a ticket. No exceptions.
*Talk back to the screen or loudly to your friends during the movie, buy everyone popcorn.
*No boss may ever use phrases such as "WE would be happy to" unless it can be scientifically demonstrated that all of the people included in "we" are truly happy about it.
posted
To deal with the meanace of mobile phones whilst driving, merely fit one these handy little Acme EM Pulse Generators to your dashboard. It's highly directional transmitter is encased in an attractive leather case that makes it the ideal accessory for your motor vehicle. Should you desire to use it, merely aim your Acme EMPG at your desired victim car. The press of your horn will discharge the unit, and treat the miscreant to an alarming introduction to the downside of electrical appliances you put near your face. For a small additional sum, a bonnet-mounted phaserbank can be supplied, for those troublesome drivers who cut you up or otherwise endanger your person. Small, discreet, and operating at 500MWatts. All for �399.99/ $599.99
BTW, we drive on the only logical side of the road. How can one JOUST if one drives on the RIGHT?!?!?!?!
------------------ "Now then, I believe Random Pavarotti disease is a psychological ailment and we should find it in the otherworldliness of Vince's brain." "Ohw, rubbish. I reckon Random Pavarotti disease is a physical condition...... Let's go and look at 'is bum!"
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