Flare Sci-Fi Forums: Once upon a CapCom. . .

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Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :

"And THEN, even though I'd left my ship in the command of a person with questionable facial hair without telling him not to let the ship's Counsellor drive, they gave me an even better one. Which was nice."

Posted by Krenim (Member # 22) on :

Captain's Personal Log, Stardate whatever. Away mission to the Sun complete failure. All members vaporized. Blame deaths on Q.

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Darlene: I read a lot of science fiction.
Herbert: Bless you, my child.
Kay: The world needs more people like you.

-Deep Space Nine, "Far Beyond the Stars."

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Jean-Luc Picard tries to devise a way to kill Wesley Crusher before the show enters Season Three. This tale has an unhappy ending.

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Who ever knew that moments after this file photo was taken, Captain Jean-Luc Picard would be offered in three different varieties (crispy, juicy, fried, or extra crispy) for merely opening an innocent-looking book labeled "Text of the Kosst Amojan"?

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Picard: "Damned star! You've interrupted my trip down memory lane one too many times! Picard to Bridge; fire the trilithium device. Lights out, star. Heh heh...lights out. I should write that one down."

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"We took a small flight, in the middle of the night, from one tiny place to another."
--
Ben Folds Five

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Riker: "Um...bridge to Picard."

Picard: "What? Oh, yes. What is it, bridge?"

Riker: "Well, as you can probably see sir, we happen to be in the path of a supernova."

Picard: "Hmm. Indeed, indeed. That's very interesting, Will, thank you for pointing that out."

Riker: "..." "Uh, you see sir, we rather thought we should get out of here before it, um, kills us."

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"We took a small flight, in the middle of the night, from one tiny place to another."
--
Ben Folds Five

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

Picard: This is crazy Will, I don't need a nitelite to read my book.......

Riker *offscreen*: But you do need it to go to bed, don't you Jonny-Boy? Aren't YOU afraid of the dark? MWAHAHAHAHA.....

Picard: *cringe*

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

[This message has been edited by Tahna Los (edited August 10, 1999).]

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

We have here a shot of the Captain's room moments before a Photon Torpedo hit...... Very nice stock footage.....

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

Captain's (Hand-written) Log: Wow, what a busy day today. First, everyone kept telling me, "You have to look at this, Captain" or "I think you'd better get down here, Captain," and then something technical happened which has never ever occured anywhere in known space in the past two hundred years of human space travel, but my crew solved the problem in half an hour. Good news, though: Bev looked right at me in the briefing roof! Maybe tomorrow I'll wear my gray jacket. Today's space-weather, sunny and warm.

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Jean-Luc, doing a passable First of Two impression: "Look at this! Goddamn jackass brought the book back water-damaged! And look! Three pages, TORN! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!!!"

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"When we turn our back on our principles, we stop being human." -- Janeway, "Equinox"

Posted by Jubilee (Member # 99) on :

Err...*pokes Elim* That's FOUR different varieties, dear....

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"S`io credessi che mia rispota fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu' scosse.
Ma perciocche` giammai di questo fondo
Non torno` vivo alcun, s`i`odo il vero,
Senza tema d`infamia ti rispondo."
- Dante`

Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :

Picard: Damn it! Everytime I read this story, the Wolf never gets Little Red Riding Hood. One would think that once, just once. . . . Well, maybe next time.

*puts book away*

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I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
~C. Mongomery Burns

Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :

Picard: *thinks* What the...? Dammit, I never noticed Robert had more hair than I did! Well, I guess he doesn't anymore, hehehe...

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"I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me."
-from Baloo's cousins' endless supplies of e-mail jokes

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

For a brief period in 2370, Federation interior decorators experimented in the chic "jaundiced" look. It was not a rousing success.

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"We took a small flight, in the middle of the night, from one tiny place to another."
--
Ben Folds Five

Posted by Coddman (Member # 10) on :

Picard: I really do have to look into getting the environmental systems on the Enterprise upgraded. The 256-color atmosphere in here has left my face somewhat dithered! *peers intently at the album photo of himself taken on the more sophisticated 24-bit color USS Voyager and frowns* That's how I should look HERE.

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Don't you hate it when you can't think of a signature?

Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :

Picard: *reads* "'Congratulations on purchasing your Galaxy-class Starship. . .' blah, blah. . . ah: Lighting. 'It is recommended that in the event of a feature film being made, lighting levels that were previously suitable for television be toned down to account for the different film stock.' Damn. Ooh, what's this? 'In the event of the Ship's Counsellor taking the helm, your warranty will become invalid.' Sure, like THAT's gonna happen!"

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Sssh, Jubes; it's a typo. I realised that later (at TrekSunday). If you hadn't pointed it out, no one would've noticed!

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

[steals Krenim's idea]

Riker: "Captain! The sun's on fire! We have to put it out!"

Picard: "Not now, Number One. It's much too hot. We'll wait until night when it's cooler."

Posted by Jay the Obscure (Member # 19) on :

Picard: *reading aloud*
Little Miss Muffet
sat on a tuffet

Picard: Computer, define "tuffet."

Computer: Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of tuft
Date: 1553
1 : TUFT 1a
2 : a low seat

Picard: Very good. Now to continue reading.

eating her curds and whey,

Picard: Replicator, curds and whey please. *looks at the mush* Why in the hell would anyone eat this? Well, now for the last bit of the rhyme.

Along came a spider,
who sat down beside her
and frightened Miss Muffet away

Picard: Picard to Crusher.

Crusher: Crusher here captain.

Picard: Beverly, you have studied the processes of fear correct?

Crusher: Well, it has been some time, but the answer is yes.

Picard: Good, good. I am working on the deconstruction of a ancient rhyme and was wondering why a simple arachnid would induce fear and loathing in a small earth female.

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You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies! They taste as good as they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But brother, it ain't ketchup!
~Homer Simpson

[This message has been edited by Jay (edited August 10, 1999).]

Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :

*Picard reads over his Starfleet yearbook*

Picard: Don't remember this note before...
"Stinky-Best of luck, and don't let them Naussicans get you down. You'll be captain of a starship yet!--Joey"

*slams book shut* Arg! I told him not to write "Stinky"!

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Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Jean-Luc Picard rereads the lines to his solo before going on-stage for the production of "Hair! I Can Live Forever!"

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

ROTFL@ Jay AND Jeff Raven........

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

"The Necronomicon, Chapter 666: Making Stars Explode. Hmmm... How-to, Moral Implications of, Minimum safe distance from, Dire warnings against. Ahh, here we are: Undo, see Page 136. Okay, Page 133, 134, 135, 137....Uh-oh."

Posted by Kosh (Member # 167) on :

Data looks in on the captain.

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Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's to dark to read. Groucho Marx

Posted by Saiyanman Benjita (Member # 122) on :

As the sun sets over the planet, Picard sits in his landed Captain's Yacht and reads.

Picard: (outloud) Call me Ishmeal... Damn I hate this book.

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Saving the world: $50.
Saving the universe: $1,000,000
Saving your marraige: Sorry, I don't do that.

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

Picard *taps communicator*: Picard to Helm...... why are we flying so close to the sun???

Troi *responding*: Helm here...... is there anything wrong?

Picard: ummmmm.........

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

Posted by Michael Dracon (Member # 4) on :

Picard: "Okay, that didn't work the way I planned. Lets see if there is a 'Turn gold back into a Galaxy class starship' spell...."

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"Okay! No more mister knive guy!"

- Jim West, Wild Wild West

Posted by Gaseous Anomaly (Member # 114) on :

"How do you do. My name is Alfred Hitchcock, and I'd like to tell you about my new motion picture, coming soon to this theatre."

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The unexplained phenomenon that crippled the U.S.S. Unimpeachable --
Gaseous Anomaly...
What anomalises gaseously.

Posted by Jubilee (Member # 99) on :

*reads*

"And there was much rejoicing.
Yay!"

*closes book* WHO WAS this Monty Python fellow, and why on EARTH did he think he was funny?!

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"Elevator to hell, going up." - What Dreams May Come

Posted by Elim Garak (Member # 14) on :

Picard is satisfied when he has finished scribing the first official "Velocity of an unladen swallow" book.

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Elim Garak: "Oh, it's just Garak. Plain, simple Garak. Now, good day to you, Doctor. I'm so glad to have made such an... interesting new friend today." (DS9: "Past Prologue")

Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :

Picard realizes that he forgot to do his homework last night.......

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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation

Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :

Well, a far better response to this one, an image I've been saving for quite a while now. Less is obviously more.

The winners, I'm afraid, are Xentrick for his first and last posts, and and Sol (his first two posts). . . runners-up are Krenim (his first) and TSN, with an honourable mention for Jay for an excellent little playlet that somehow didn't gel for me as being Picard. . . Data, maybe.

Congratulations to all. I'll be taking a step back for a while, and letting Liam handle things. Soon to come will hopefully be Jeff's last SW CapCom, some more GuestComs - talk to Liam if you'd like a go - and the long-awaited BabComs, as soon as I find some &*^&^*(&!!! pics. 8)

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"Wait a minute - this isn't the Monsterometer, it's the Frog Exaggerator!"

- Professor Frink

Posted by Sol System (Member # 30) on :

Hooray!

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"Hey Mr. Boo, fly away home. Your house is so lovely, your children so nice."
--
Hello (The Band)

Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :

me too!

Posted by First of Two (Member # 16) on :

Because I JUST thought of it, an E.L.E.

(No, not Extinction Level Event, Extremely Late Entry!)

Picard: Captain's log: A mysterious alien arrived on the Enterprise today, plopped a book in my hands, and said "It's the Book of G'Quan. Read it!." Then he vanished.

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"When we turn our back on our principles, we stop being human." -- Janeway, "Equinox"

Posted by HMS White Star (Member # 174) on :

Picard sits in office and read a new book in a strange alien language: Hmmm, To Serve Man what an interesting book these aliens seem warlike and an evil race, but this seems like a nice gift.

Wesley runs in short of breath and shouts: No it's a cook book, arrrggghhh. [Wesley dies]

Picard: Hey maybe these aliens aren't so bad after all.

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HMS White Star (your local friendly agent of Chaos:-) )

Posted by The First One (Member # 35) on :

Both too late, but excellent SF references. 8)

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"Wait a minute - this isn't the Monsterometer, it's the Frog Exaggerator!"

- Professor Frink