Post A Reply
my profile
|
directory
login
|
search
|
faq
|
forum home
»
Flare Sci-Fi Forums
»
Sci-Fi
»
Designs, Artwork, & Creativity
»
VOY and DS9 combo (part 4)
» Post A Reply
Post A Reply
Login Name:
Password:
Message:
HTML is enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Siegfried: [QB] Okay, I'll give this a shot at a real honest-to-goodness critique. This won't exactly be easy, though. This story needs [b][i]<u>A LOT</u>[/i][/b] of work. Seriously, dude, it does. First, the characterizations are way off of the actual characters. Janeway wouldn't flagrantly bump Chakotay out of his executive officer position to make room for Sisko. Likewise, I don't think Janeway would put Sisko in command of the bridge as she leaves in the Flyer. If this were to happen, Chakotay would not simply say "I'll be in engineering" as his captain dumped him for Sisko. Tuvok would not sigh or argue with Janeway over every little decision that Janeway makes. And B'Elanna would not simply allow O'Brien to just jump into messing with her engines. We know how touchy she is about those engines. Worf also would not disobey Sisko's order in order to go galavanting around the ships slashing Cardassians. In short, you need to study the characters you're writing about a lot more before you actually begin writing about them. Second, there are some discrepencies between the series and this story. Torpedoes would not be launched by Tom Paris from the flight control station. That would be Tuvok at the tactical station. The Defiant, to the best that we know, cannot land on planet surfaces. From DS9's "Meridian," we know that the Defiant can [i]crash[/i] on a planet. However, this is best a discussion for the Starships forum. It's also doubtful that a Defiant class starship lends itself easily to being modified for slipstream travel. The Defiant is a hardcore warship with tried and true systems. No jury-rigging allowed except under the most unusual circumstances. Also, why would Chakotay and the other Maquis on Voyager know about the Defiant? Tom Riker and a small band of his comrads did steal the Defiant once, but that was just them and not the entire Maquis. This leads to another characterization issue: Sisko has a severe dislike for the Maquis and I doubt he would specifically request that the Maquis could fight with him. Third, the story itself is confusing and contrary to itself at times. For starters, what was the Defiant doing with slipstream technology? How did she get the technology? Why were the Cardassians chasing her and how did they get into slipstream? There was absolutely no exposition. Next, how did Worf manage to kill 300 Cardassians in a short amount of time? Worf could in no way handle that many opponents even if they attacked one-at-a-time from a single-file line. He'd be exhausted swinging that bat'leth to slash them let alone with the Cardassian fighting back. And one most realize that Worf is using a sword-like instrument against plasma-weapon carrying Cardassians. It didn't work for the Klingons in "Way of the Warrior." The entire middle section is confusing as to which ship the action is taking place on. You gave indications that things were happening on the Defiant under to have someone been to the other side and start that section with "aboard the Defiant." Add to that, there was a lot of unnecessary and unsatisfying attempts at building suspense. A prime example is in the beginning. No one can find O'Brien and then he magically turns up in the Voyager's engine room. Was he who he really was? As it turns out, yeah actually. Another scene is the "I can't find the ship" from the middle section. Where did the Defiant go? Oh, she landed on a planet nearby. There is little reason to use these dramatic ploys when there is no development on them. [/QB][/QUOTE]
Instant Graemlins
Instant UBB Code™
What is UBB Code™?
Options
Disable Graemlins in this post.
*** Click here to review this topic. ***
© 1999-2024 Charles Capps
Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3