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Bashir suprised) We’re approaching an interspacial anomally. Paris:Move over Julian,I know interspacial anomallies better than anyone.(banging at door, everyone turns around.) Cardassian:Sisko surrender your vessel or prepare to die. Take all of these scum to brig. Worf:No!(He takes out a bat’leth) Sisko:Worf don’t!(It’s to late Worf starts tearing through the Cardassians like loaves of bread.) Chakotay Disgusted)I think he’ll need a little help. Set your phazers to maximum.(Him, Tom, And B’Elanna run out after Worf.) Sisko:Bashir,O’brein you heard the man. Bashir and O’brein:Yes captain!(They go out to find Worf and the others) Sisko:Guess I’ll try to contact Voyager. Voyager, Voyager! Janeway:You rang. Sisko:We need your help the Cardassians are on the ship. Worf went out there slashing around with his little sword. Kathryn:Kim,Tuvok. Tuvok:It is illogical that we- Janeway:That’s an order. Tuvok sigh)Yes,Captain. Janeway:I’ll beam them to where Chakotay and the others are.(message ends)
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
(on the Defiant) Worf:Why don’t we wait in the Jefferies tubes and then attack. Tuvok:Good plan commander. Worf on’t flatter me. (back at bridge) Sisko:Kathryn! Kathryn:Janeway. Sisko:We will try to land on your docking ports. Kathryn:You have authorization.(message end)Insign Williams acces docking ports.(she nods at Janeway.) Janeway:Benjamin Benjamin:Sisko. Kathryn:You are clear to use docking ports. (back in tubes.) Tuvok:Why don’t we meditate to pass the time. Worf:You Vulcans are so senile. Tuvok:That is an unethical thing to say. Chakotay:We have an estimated 347 Cardassians following us,this is not the time to argue. B’Elanna:Time! This is not the time, to argue about time, we don’t have the time. Paris:I think Neelix gave you to much to drink. B’Elanna:Remember, this phazer is set at maximum setting. Paris:I’ll take that into consideration. O’brein reading scanner)Sensors detect a gas leak down the next tube. Bashir:Hold you breath, I’ll treat you later. O’brein:What if you pass out. Chakotay:We’ll activate The Doctor. (Tuvok is behind everyone, something grabs him) Tuvok:A Cardassian is pulling me. (Everyone turns to see Harry Kim) Harry:What?! O’brein:Hold your breath we’re entering gas territory. (on bridge of Defiant) Sisko:Kathryn, can you scan our ship from the outside and count the Cardassians? Janeway:Neelix. Neelix:I’m still getting used to this,47. Janeway:Looks like Worf killed most of them, 47. Sisko:Can you check their health status? Kathryn octor Doctor:It seems that there is a gas leaking in the Jefferies tubes,reason unknown. Sisko:My crew is in there! Janeway:We’ll try to transport them onto the ship. Sisko:The Maquis,Kim, and Tuvok as well. (Sisko sends a message to Chakotay) Sisko:You are about to beam aboard- Neelix:A phazer has been fired in the Jefferies tubes!
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
(in tubes) Paris:I’ve been shot! Worf:It’s a Cardassian! Chakotay:Chakotay to Sisko there’s a Cardassian at our rear. Sisko yelling)Energize!(energizing) (They are aboard Voyager) Janeway ’brein, you and B’Elanna go to engineering, Worf,Tuvok on tactical. Chakotay, take the bridge, Mr.Kim and I are going on a little stroll. Oh, and take Paris to sick bay.(Doctor and Bashir try to take Paris) Paris:I think I can manage. Kathryn:That’s an order,come on Harry.(they leave) Chakotay:Let’s see if we can get into slip stream. (out on the hull) Harry:I never been Cardassian hunting before. Janeway:There’s a first time for everything.(yelling behind them) Harry:It’s a Cardassian Army!(thousands of Cardassians come out of nowhere) Kathryn:Fire!( they fire their phazers) Cardassian:You will never beat us. Janeway: Krel! Cardassian: Me and my Army will shatter you! Harry:Who’s- Kathryn:Never mind, keep firing.(presses insignia) Chakotay we need you to beam us to the bridge,then raise the sheilds. Chakotay:Wh- Janeway: No questions asked.End transmission. Chakotay:You heard her.Energize.(Janeway appears) Kathryn:Move over Chakotay, I’ll take the bridge.(Chakotay moves over) Mr.Worf how many Cardassians are left on the ship. Worf:3,450 captain. Janeway:Status of life. Worf ead. Kathryn:Good, take the sheilds down now.
[ July 27, 2001: Message edited by: Dr Phlox ]
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
(back on Defiant) Sisko:Chakotay there are several Cardassians on my bridge beam me up. Doctor(serious)We’ve lost Sisko’s lifesigns. Voice:Hello. Chakotay:Sisko. Worf:Good to see you,captain. Tuvok:Sensors,detect Cardassians in engineering. Kathryn:More!How many? Tuvok:3-wait the number keeps rising. (back in engineering) B’Elanna:B’Elanna to Chakotay there are hundreds of Cardassians coming into Engineering.,we’ve lost five engineers,three are injured. Janeway:Transport them to sickbay (back in sick bay) Doctor:The Cardassians are injuring more people than we can cure. Bashir on’t worry,I’ve handled way more patients than this before. Doctor:That’s because thousands of people visit you each day. They just sent us some more, secondary EMH online. (back on bridge) Worf:Sensors detect a federation ship in orbit.(pauses)It’s the Defiant?! Chakotay:Shot the left warp nacelle.(they fire torpedes at ship) Tuvok:The Defiant is falling towards that nearby planet. Kathrryn:Move over Chakotay, I think Sisko can at least be second in command. Chakotay:I’ll go check what’s going on in engineering. Tuvok:A shuttle has just left docking ports. Sisko:Alien or human? Worf:Cardassian. Janeway:Self destruct it. Tuvok:We made need that- Kathryn:There will be plenty of shuttles when we get to the federation(with force),destroy it. Tuvok sighs)Yes,Captain.(the shuttle explodes) (back in engineering) Chakotay:What happened? B’Elanna:The Cardassians fled, must of left on a shuttle. Chakotay:What happened to O’brein?
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
B’Elanna:He’s was injured in the attack, he’s in sick bay. Chakotay:Need help? B’Elanna:Get over and stop asking questions, I need to recalibrate the plasma coolant holders, they were tampered with during the attack. Chakotay:I’ll get more people to help. (back on bridge) Janeway:Have the Cardassians landed the Defiant. Worf:Yes, it seems that they are exploring the planet. Kathryn:Harry, orbit around the planet, Sisko you have the bridge,Tuvok get The Doctor for any injuries. We’re taking the Flyer.(door opens behind them) Paris:Your going to need a pilot. Kathryn:Tom, your suppose to be in sick bay. Tom:Let’s just say I healed. Janeway:Alright.(they walk out to the Delta Flyer) (back in engineering, O’brein walks in) O’brein:I heard you needed an engineer. B’Elanna:Get over here and help me recallibrate these things. O’brein:All you had to do was ask. Chakotay:Now that you have help,I’ll go back to the bridge.
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
(on planet) Tuvok:Sensors detect, the Cardassians are somewhere in this area. Kathryn:Are they trying to fix the nacelle? Tuvok:Yuh- Doctor:You don’t need sensors to detect that, their over there.(everyone turns) Paris oesn’t look like they know much about warp mechanics. I could of- Doctor:Give us youre lecture on warp mechanics later, we’re in the middle of trying to apprehend the bad guys. Paris:EMH offline. Janeway:Tom. Tom:We don’t need him untill there’s an injury. Tuvok annoyed) Settle down(whispers)illogical humans. Paris:I heard that. (back at bridge,Chakotay walks in) Chakotay:Where’s Kathryn? Sisko:Her,Paris, and Tuvok went out to get the bad guys. Chakotay:How did they get there? Harry:Took the Flyer. Chakotay:Guess I’ll check sick bay. (on planet) Tuvok:They’re leaving the Defiant. Paris:I’m going in.(he walks out of bushes) Kathryn:Tom Don- (Cardassians start coming out of nowhere) Paris:I’ve been shot. Tuvok whispering so Cardassians don’t hear)Tuvok to flyer,access EMH and transport Tom. (on Flyer) Doctor:State the nature of your-(turns around to see Paris)Oh it’s you,what do you want. Paris:I’m sorry about earlier, I’ve been injured. Doctor takes out tool and injects Paris) There better? Paris:Yeah,I should go back to the front.(gets up) Doctor holds him back)Now, Now. You’ve already been shot twice today, you should stay here.(Paris thinks than sits back down)
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
(back at front) Janeway:We have to find a way to get to the Defiant. Tuvok:We could ambush them,like Worf did. Kathryn:That’s not very logical. Tuvok:Now is not the time for logic.Why don’t we acces The Doctor and have him pilot the Defiant. Janeway:That’s a good plan, now all we have to do is do it.(presses insignia) Defiant Paris:Yes Captain. Kathryn:Access, the Doctor and have him pilot the Defiant to safety.(message ends) Doctor:My program is not equipped with piloting technique. Paris presses a couple of buttons)It’s just been added. Doctor:I hate being a hologram.(He fades away then is aboard Defiant) Doctor he turns to see control panel)Now let’s see how this thing works.(he goes over to controls,and lifts the ship off the ground.) Tuvok:There’s a Cardassian hanging onto the warp nacelle. Janeway:Shot him.(Phazer fires and Cardassian falls off) Kathryn:Tom,beam us to Voyager you take the Flyer back. Paris:At your command. Tuvok:Energize. (aboard Voyager) Janeway:Hello. Sisko:Kathryn?! Kathryn:Move over and show us how to-(something fires at the hull) Worf:More Cardassian ships! Sisko:Worf, get the others and met me on the Defiant.(Worf walks out) Kathryn we’ll give you all the we can. Janeway:No, go you barely have a ship. No warp nacelle. Who knows about your weapons. Sisko:Bu- Kathryn:But, nothing. We’ve taken on the Borg and many other species. The Cardassians are nothing compared to them. Worf over com)Captain you were suppose to meet us minutes ago. We’ll beam you up at your command. Sisko takes one final look around)Energize.(fades away) Worf:Hello, Captain we have torpedoes ready at your command. Sisko:We’re not fighting. Worf:Wha- Sisko:Get ready for slip stream,Mr.Worf. Worf confused)Ready. Sisko looks down to think)(sadly)Engage
-------------------- President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're all collectively da man, sir.
Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something? ----------------- The West Wing
Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged
posted
You used that script from school??? David, you have a lot to learn about this forum. To Dr. Phlox: That is the script you used from school, right? My God...
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"Worf starts tearing through the Cardassians like loaves of bread" This is terrible! Even for me! And Chakotay follows him, with phaser set to maximum??? They'll never eat kebab again!
And Sisko says: "Worf, don't!" He sounds more dissapointed than alarmed. Like, "Oh no, just like last year's christmas party!!!"
[ July 28, 2001: Message edited by: Nimrod ]
-------------------- "I'm nigh-invulnerable when I'm blasting!" Mel Gibson, X-Men
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Okay, I'll give this a shot at a real honest-to-goodness critique. This won't exactly be easy, though. This story needs A LOT of work. Seriously, dude, it does.
First, the characterizations are way off of the actual characters. Janeway wouldn't flagrantly bump Chakotay out of his executive officer position to make room for Sisko. Likewise, I don't think Janeway would put Sisko in command of the bridge as she leaves in the Flyer. If this were to happen, Chakotay would not simply say "I'll be in engineering" as his captain dumped him for Sisko. Tuvok would not sigh or argue with Janeway over every little decision that Janeway makes. And B'Elanna would not simply allow O'Brien to just jump into messing with her engines. We know how touchy she is about those engines. Worf also would not disobey Sisko's order in order to go galavanting around the ships slashing Cardassians. In short, you need to study the characters you're writing about a lot more before you actually begin writing about them.
Second, there are some discrepencies between the series and this story. Torpedoes would not be launched by Tom Paris from the flight control station. That would be Tuvok at the tactical station. The Defiant, to the best that we know, cannot land on planet surfaces. From DS9's "Meridian," we know that the Defiant can crash on a planet. However, this is best a discussion for the Starships forum. It's also doubtful that a Defiant class starship lends itself easily to being modified for slipstream travel. The Defiant is a hardcore warship with tried and true systems. No jury-rigging allowed except under the most unusual circumstances. Also, why would Chakotay and the other Maquis on Voyager know about the Defiant? Tom Riker and a small band of his comrads did steal the Defiant once, but that was just them and not the entire Maquis. This leads to another characterization issue: Sisko has a severe dislike for the Maquis and I doubt he would specifically request that the Maquis could fight with him.
Third, the story itself is confusing and contrary to itself at times. For starters, what was the Defiant doing with slipstream technology? How did she get the technology? Why were the Cardassians chasing her and how did they get into slipstream? There was absolutely no exposition. Next, how did Worf manage to kill 300 Cardassians in a short amount of time? Worf could in no way handle that many opponents even if they attacked one-at-a-time from a single-file line. He'd be exhausted swinging that bat'leth to slash them let alone with the Cardassian fighting back. And one most realize that Worf is using a sword-like instrument against plasma-weapon carrying Cardassians. It didn't work for the Klingons in "Way of the Warrior." The entire middle section is confusing as to which ship the action is taking place on. You gave indications that things were happening on the Defiant under to have someone been to the other side and start that section with "aboard the Defiant." Add to that, there was a lot of unnecessary and unsatisfying attempts at building suspense. A prime example is in the beginning. No one can find O'Brien and then he magically turns up in the Voyager's engine room. Was he who he really was? As it turns out, yeah actually. Another scene is the "I can't find the ship" from the middle section. Where did the Defiant go? Oh, she landed on a planet nearby. There is little reason to use these dramatic ploys when there is no development on them.
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My friend David (the real name of Dr. Phlox) doesn't know enough about Star Trek to write a script about it. I'm soory, Dr., but that is the truth. You've only seen a few DS9 eps, and you're using things you've seen from Voyager eps as a story. Maybe you should try to tape a few of the good episodes, to get a better understanding of the series. Of course, Dr. Phlox thinks he is always right the first time, and he'll most likely say "Screw you, it's good." He doesn't like being told something he made needs work. (Sorry, David, it's the truth.)
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Well, then, if Dr Phlox isn't already at the age to be thrust into the so-called "real world," then he's in for a surprise. Everything anyone does will be open to criticism from others. Most of the time, it will hopefully be helpful constructive criticism that will deserve a better response than "Screw you, who asked you anyway?"
Not accepting any sort of criticism defeats the purpose of posting it here. Flarers post their ideas, stories, and designs here in order to gauge the reaction and listen to the comments that people make about their work. Almost all of the time, those criticisms are positive and serve to improve the work. How else does one expect to get better if one does not listen to one's critics?
suprised) We’re approaching an interspacial anomally.
on’t flatter me.
’brein, you and B’Elanna go to engineering, Worf,Tuvok on tactical.
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