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I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live... "Right here".
-- Steven Wright
Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :
Here's some more:
16. "France" is synonimous with "Europe"
17. Six-shooters contain at least twenty rounds.
18. Ugly people do not exist.
19. Police officers only eat donuts.
20. People only marry people from the same ethnic group.
21. Men and women have orgasms simultaneously :]
22. Cats say meow at least once every scene.
23. Dogs are always called boomer and are usually golden retrievers.
24. One bullet cannot kill a human being.
25. Defibrillators are used to resu..whatever..a person. (scary, this IS what they suggest)
26. Every old police investigator has a young assistant they can't get along with.
27. Having sex is usually done with a blanket in between.
28. Scandinavian women are all blondes and invariably have big breasts.
29. All bad guys are ex-employees with a grudge.
Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
Sounds about right to me! Anyone else?
--Baloo
Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :
30: The young farmer who has never handled a gun before will always make direct hits, while 20 trained sharpshooting soldiers will miss every time.
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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have
Posted by Jeff Raven (Member # 20) on :
31: The bad guy knows he's evil, knows that what he is doing is evil, and his intentions are to just spite the good.
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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have
Posted by Aethelwer (Member # 36) on :
#9 only applies to Macs, BTW.
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http://frankg.dgne.com/
Quintesson: "You are the Autobot named Kup. You are Cybertron's chief of security."
Kup: "Nah, my name's Teaspoon, and I'm Cybertron's chief dishwasher."
Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this?
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I get to drive against real drivers, one of whom is named Dick Trickle. I think that explains why that gentleman went into the world of high-power automobile combat. A lifetime of taunts, no doubt.
-- James Lileks
[This message was edited by Baloo on April 20, 1999.]
Posted by TSN (Member # 31) on :
32.) During a shootout, one good guy can kill twenty bad guys w/o once being hit.
RW: You can spell "defibrillator", but you can't spell "resurrect"? *L*
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"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."
-George Orwell's Animal Farm
Posted by Xentrick (Member # 64) on :
33. In any fight scene, the bad guys will attack the hero one at a time.
34. Any action film set in or around San Francisco, California will incorporate a chase scene a) in Chinatown, b) on the hills of SF, c) both
35. Anyone falling from a high place will land on stacks of conveniently placed cardboxes, none of which contain solid objects.
36. In an action movie, any second-rank character nearing a wedding, birthday, or retirement is marked for death.
37. Half [if not more] of all serial killers are sharp-dressed computer geniuses.
38. In an action movie, the more beautiful a woman is, the more likely it is that she is an expert in hand-to-hand combat, helicopters, and demolitions.
39. Whenever possible, pistols should be held sideways.
40. In any "buddy picture," the more the two characters hate each other at the start, the more likely it is that they will save each other's lives by the closing credits.
41. Never steal anything small. Jet-setting international cat-burglars or heavily armed terrorist groups must never settle for any amount of money less than their own weight.
42. Any local paper will have a story about a recently killed character on the front page, no matter how unimportant that person was in the local area.
42a. At any time a radio is turned on, a "special news bulletin" will interrupt the regular program to provide us with vital information that couldn't possibly wait until the regular news segment.
43. Whenever a character is down to one last bullet, arrow, or air-to-air missile, he is guaranteed to hit.
Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :
I wanted to type "resuscitate" but I had no idea how to spell it. Very embar..er..hang on..
embarrassing. Sorry.
44. Every police officer nearing retirement should prepare for a major case.
Posted by Bernd (Member # 6) on :
45. There is a ramp behind every parked car, so a crashing car will jump over it.
46. Computers don't use Windows or another common OS, user surfaces have giant fonts, a 1.44MB disk is sufficient for any data volume, the data is read out and displayed letter by letter, a compatible program is always available and runs without any problems, and moreover it starts as soon as the diskette is inserted, the bad guys always have very simple and obvious passwords, not requiring more than three guesses.
47. It is possible to zoom into ordinary videos without losing resolution.
48. The bad guys always leave the keys in their cars, so the hero can steal it and escape.
49. The bad guy always hesitates to kill and gives our hero a last chance.
50. Evil Americans have German names, good Americans have Irish names.
51. If a longer absence of a character is required, he/she flies to Europe (i.e. to Paris).
52. Every action movie reveals the existence of another new small country in either Western Africa, Eastern Europe or Central America.
53. Children say nothing but "Yes, Mum" or "Yes, Daddy" all day.
54. Everyone working on a computer wears glasses.
55. The age of a man is proportional to his professional experience, and it's vice versa with women.
56. Any attractive woman involved in a criminal case conceals something, but turns out essentially not guilty.
57. American cars have a double security system: fire the airbag in a normal crash, fire the fuel tank in a fatal crash.
58. If the hero is in urgent need of a car and finds one, it is either tiny, slow, old and rusty, or it is big, fast, brandnew and expensive (but not for long).
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I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer. (McCoy in "Devil in the Dark")
www.uni-siegen.de/~ihe/bs/startrek/
Posted by Bernd (Member # 6) on :
59. Breakthroughs in science and technology usually take place in high school courses.
60. If someone quotes a phone call, this takes much more time than the call itself.
61. Time dilatation occurs if a bomb is about to explode.
62. There's always a red wire and a blue wire.
63. All young female inhabitants of California not fulfilling the requirements of >1,78m, several silicone implants, tanned skin and long blond hair are locked up in a secret place.
64. Every boy has the following items in his room: a football, an aircraft model, a triangular school team banner pinned to the wall 30� oblique, a baseball collectible card, a basketball team poster, a telescope.
I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer. (McCoy in "Devil in the Dark")
www.uni-siegen.de/~ihe/bs/startrek/
[This message was edited by Bernd on April 21, 1999.]
Posted by Montgomery (Member # 23) on :
62A. The red wire is never the one to cut.
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"I AM THE SPIDER!!!!"
- Vic Reeves
Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :
65. Computers make beeping noises.
66. Internet connections are fast.
67. High school people are 25 years old (average)
Posted by RW (Member # 27) on :
68. Fires won't hurt you unless you're inside it - one inch distance is often enough to avoid burns.
69. Nobody smokes.
Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
70. In the event that a car's brakes fail, it will always occur on a windy mountain road.
70a. If the Good Guys are driving the car, they can always jump to safety no matter the speed of the car (and without injury).
70b. If the Bad Guys are driving the car, the door handles on the inside fall off and their seat belt buckles will fuse shut, preventing them from escaping the car.
70c. In any case, a car departing the road via a cliff will invariably explode, often before it hits the ground below.
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I get to drive against real drivers, one of whom is named Dick Trickle. I think that explains why that gentleman went into the world of high-power automobile combat. A lifetime of taunts, no doubt.
-- James Lileks
Posted by Bernd (Member # 6) on :
71. An advanced computer has no user interface, but is a huge box with many blinking lights.
72. While a craftsman is in the house, women are always tanning at the pool. The craftsman is never older than 40 years.
73. Appointments in a restaurant ar always possible the same evening and there's always a table free.
74. Any revolutionary invention can be expressed in a single formula.
75. Machines are usually constructed by physics professors, not by engineers.
76. The capital crime rate among scientists is extremely high.
77. The more expensive the furniture and artifacts in the office of a company boss are, the more probably he is involved in criminal activities and the more probably this office will be devastated.
78. The bad guy has a black hat/car/cat.
79. As soon as at least three Americans under 35 are together, they talk about nothing but sex.
80. The availability of women for a relationship is proportional to her attractiveness.
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I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer. (McCoy in "Devil in the Dark")
www.uni-siegen.de/~ihe/bs/startrek/
Posted by Simon on :
81. No one ever forgets what they are going to say, nor do they mess it up.
82. Weather is always nice unless it has important ramifications on the plot, or it is co-operating with the current mood of the movie.
Posted by Simon on :
81. No one ever forgets what they are going to say, nor do they mess it up.
82. Weather is always nice unless it has important ramifications on the plot, or it is co-operating with the current mood of the movie.
Posted by Trinculo on :
Gentlepeople, this is a very interesting thread. I am sure that it holds true for many movies. There is one problem-I don't watch movies on a weekly basis, actually rarely at all. For our family, the price of seeing a movie, going to a ball game, or visiting a museum is a luxury. Could someone present a list of the movies that are being mentioned in this thread? Thank you.
Posted by Baloo (Member # 5) on :
Trinculo: It would be easier to list all the movies (made within the last 30 years, anyhow) that dod not contain most or all of these elements. The American ones, anyway.
One of my fave movies is an English oldie: "the Private Life of Henry VIII". It starred Charles Laughton and was considered quite risque when it was released in the '30s.
--Baloo
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I learned something: it is not enough to not buy the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. It is important that you not want to buy it. It is crucial for your ranking as a domesticated male that you actually hold the entire enterprise in bemused contempt, like a eunuch dropped in Salome's lap.
-- James Lileks
Posted by Saltah'na (Member # 33) on :
83. If the movie involves a natural disaster, there is always a rival who is always male, who usually says "Oh don't worry about it", then dies a horrible death.
84. If the good guy is wounded, his wound tends to be not serious. If the bad guy is wounded, his wound is always fatal.
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I can resist anything.......
Except Temptation
Posted by PsyLiam (Member # 73) on :
er, what number were we up to?
Oh yeah.
85. If a good guy who is listed as Also starring is shot, he will still have the ability to speak, but know instinctively that there is no point calling for an ambulance.
85a. If the person lives in the Wild West, he will cough and splutter a lot while dying, and say 'Tell momma...'
86. If an Also Starring person IS shot, they will wait until 4 seconds before they die before actually telling the hero any vital information.
87. Good buys don't need to lock their carns. Slamming the door while looking moody is good enough.
88. During a car chase, piles of boxes will suddenly become commonplace.
88a. Failing a pile of boxes, a fruit & veg stand will do.
88b. The road will suddenly become very bumpy, and cars will be able to achieve momentary flight.
88c (special case). If the car chase occurs in London, the car will always swerve to avoid one red bus, and one black cab, unless the chase is occuring in a black cab.
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'Those are the headlines. Happy now?'
-Chris Morris.
[This message was edited by PsyLiam on April 23, 1999.]
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