"Theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

RUNNERS-UP:

1st Runner Up

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

2nd Runner Up

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

3rd Runner Up

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

4th Runner Up

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Could explain your increasing dizziness...

Finally Honorable Mention:

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

Don't you just love science?

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I learned something: it is not enough to not buy the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. It is important that you not want to buy it. It is crucial for your ranking as a domesticated male that you actually hold the entire enterprise in bemused contempt, like a eunuch dropped in Salome's lap.
-- James Lileks

 

That, however ... is MESSED.

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"Telling the truth was his death sentence" - Maria Theresa Tula
 

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"I AM THE SPIDER!!!!"
- Vic Reeves

 

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I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer. (McCoy in "Devil in the Dark")
www.uni-siegen.de/~ihe/bs/startrek/

 

Can you tell i'm bored.

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Down for Upgrade

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Brandon "Enterprise" Grasmick
Commanding Officer, USS Sovereign (NX-74222)

"Captain, the Sona crew are willing to negotiate a cease fire. It may have something to do with the fact that we have 3 minutes of air left."
-- Worf

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges
-- In time of war the law falls silent.
 

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To make an apple pie from scratch, we must first invent the universe.

~Carl Sagan
 

I have one word: 'strange'

BTW - I hate cats, can't stand them.

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It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

Er, ahem. No. Cats are great. They own you, you see, not the other way round :]
 

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It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

CAT DISSECTION?!?!!?!. .. *GROWL!*

I can't BELIEVE they would dissect CATS! .. I think i'm going to be ill now....

*loves her cats* *her cats are her familiars and she couldn't live without them* *hates the thought of them getting abused at ALL, let alone dissected*

*SHUDDER*

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"Telling the truth was his death sentence" - Maria Theresa Tula
 

I prefer dogs. They are much more demonstrative, but I can get along with cats okay. With cats, however, I don't get as much overt affection as I like.

--Baloo

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That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

[This message was edited by Baloo on April 24, 1999.]
 

Cons of Cats: They give you condescending looks when you don't do what they want.
They sleep when and where they want, which could be your face, 4am in the morning.
They're better at getting into food, eating goldfish, and getting stuck in areas where you can't get them out.
Cons of Dogs: They have an odd smell(most of them at least).
You have to give them a bath.
You have to walk them, or clean up after them.
Barking is louder than meowing.
They tend to mess on the floor if you don't walk them.

Pros of Cats: Change the kitty litter once in a while, instead of daily.
They clean themselves, and rarely smell.
They don't paw you when you're trying to feed them.
They can actually be quite loving, if you're patient.
They purrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Pros of Dogs: You can teach them how to do tricks.
Unconditional loyalty.
They're good at cleaning up things you don't want to eat on your plate at dinnertime(only applies to kids).
They will always act like you are god.

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Jeff Raven - Having more fun than any human being should be allowed to have
 

Cats are a higher life-form. No other animal is so perfectly adapted to mooch off of mankind.

They get food, shelter, and petting.. and all for catching bice, jumping in laps, playing, sleeping half the time, puring and acting standoffish, things they'd already do in the first place!

PS, Diane Duane, author of several Trek novels, has written two nice books about a group of cat magicians who are the guardians of magical gates, and band together to save the world.

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*I only SEEM Normal*