posted
Hey! I've thought of that first one a few times myself!
"Theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
1st Runner Up
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
2nd Runner Up
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
3rd Runner Up
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
4th Runner Up
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Could explain your increasing dizziness...
Finally Honorable Mention:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
Don't you just love science?
------------------ I learned something: it is not enough to not buy the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. It is important that you not want to buy it. It is crucial for your ranking as a domesticated male that you actually hold the entire enterprise in bemused contempt, like a eunuch dropped in Salome's lap. -- James Lileks
posted
The next thing in Genetic engineering. Four Cats, back toback to back to back. All the world power problems are solved.Or, one piece of toast buttered on both sides.
posted
I don't understand these jokes. I know two things- Omni Magazine hasn't been in circulation for years. I love cats, have five cats, and hate any mention of cats being tossed by their tails or being strapped to any asinine contraption. They are my "children".
IP: Logged
Orion Syndicate
He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
Member # 25
posted
I've finally decided to see what Baloo's cousin has sent him.
I have one word: 'strange'
BTW - I hate cats, can't stand them.
------------------ It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
I can't BELIEVE they would dissect CATS! .. I think i'm going to be ill now....
*loves her cats* *her cats are her familiars and she couldn't live without them* *hates the thought of them getting abused at ALL, let alone dissected*
*SHUDDER*
------------------ "Telling the truth was his death sentence" - Maria Theresa Tula
posted
My sister had 2 siamese cats for 10 years. One had to be put down last year because of failing health. The other is getting along okay.
I prefer dogs. They are much more demonstrative, but I can get along with cats okay. With cats, however, I don't get as much overt affection as I like.
--Baloo
------------------ That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
[This message was edited by Baloo on April 24, 1999.]
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