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The return of....THE FNN!
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by JeffKardde: [QB] <h2>GOD ADMITS TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR</h2> by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN <small>God admits to playing pranks on humanity for millennia</small> "The Bible? Hell, I had it transcribed when I was half drunk," Q told reporters yesterday when asked about the creation of the Bible. He freely admitted that it was written "on the seat of my pants. Wait, I'm God, I don't have pants." He continued to say, that "over the years, the Bible -- both Testaments -- have been so badly mistranslated and misinterpreted, that it's totally different. I like Jews! My son is a Jew, but some people have used the Bible as an excuse to kill Jews. Or homosexuals. Hey, I happen to like homosexuals, they're really good artists." God went on to bash various religious faiths. "What a bunch of morons. Worship the Protestant way or you'll go to hell! No, it's the Muslim way! You know, it's not the way you worship me, it's that you follow the message." Asked what that message was, God smiled and replied, "well obviously, I want to be entertained. War! That thing back in the forties was pretty good, but then you came along with nukes and that just sapped all the fun out of it. It took me six days to create the world and you're all ready to blow it up in five minutes. Have you no respect for my work?" When asked to comment on his "believe, the end is night" statement, God looked surprised. "Good me man! You've only got a life-span of a little over one hundred years! You'll be gone really soon to my perspective anyway ... so, yes, the end is night. Er ... what did you [i]think[/i] I meant?" Responding to charges made by Starfleet Captain Jean-Luc Picard (specificly, that Q/God had taken him back in time to the start of life on Earth), God replied by saying, "how f***ing arrogant to assume that one of my days is equivilant to one of your days. Yeah, that's right, my day is made up of about sixty-million of your [i]years[/i], so there. And you know, that creationism crap is exactly that. I can't just snap my fingers and stuff appears. Well, okay, I can, but yes, your world 'evolved' in a sense -- the theories were correct up to a point, but they fail to take into consideration that I was there at every stage of this so-called 'evolution' making the shit happen. What, you think that fish just walked out of the ocean and grew legs? Nope, I had to entice him with a worm. And it took fifteen thousand trillion fish and a few thousand years before they even got more than a few feet onto the ground." Told that many beliefs refer to God in texts as "He", God laughed and pulled down his pants. "See? I got both. I'm a hermaphrodite. Both male and female are shaped in part of my form." Asked why he doesn't have any breasts, God replied that he did, but "they're very small and this is a very sensative subject for me, okay?" When asked what he was most proud of, God replied: "titty bars! And weed. And Simon Sizer's member, of course." When asked for specifics, God replied that he just wanted to see if it was possible for one man to be as big as the Empire State Building. He refused to comment on further speculation of how women felt after experiencing Simon "Empire State Building" Sizer. <small>(This reporter conducted additional research and discovered that a hospital exists for women who can no longer walk due to soreness. Strangely, it is populated by those known to have had a "close" relationship with Simon "Empire State Building" Sizer)</small> [/QB][/QUOTE]
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