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Yesterday I was walking from Salisbury, North Carolina to the local dairy mart when a huge metal gopher can up to me and hit me on the head. I was really annoyed so I took his tail and turned it into a swordfish. The huge metal gopher was really angry so I told him he should appreciate swordfish and then I ate his tail. He screamed and yelled and shouted about filing cabinets so I killed him. At first he started to evaporate but I killed him several more times and finally he moved to New York City. Then his twin half-brother Phillip Alfinthorpe III told me to pay for his bicycle and so I took out his brain and ate it. Phillip Alfinthorpe III wasn't happy about that either so I replaced his brain with the hamburger I had that cost half an aitofie. Continuing my journey to at least several destinations I jumped off the universe and landed in a huge vase of chocolate marbles. They weren't really made out of chocolate, though, they were made out of marbles. I complained to the owner and he gave me a free flight to anywhere in the continental United States, but I wanted to go to Arkansas and he let me go there instead. When I got on the plane, though, they asked me not to bring all my assault rifles and atomic grenades. Enraged, I took an assault rifle and fed it to my pet snake who has been with me the entire time except the part about the highway. The snake jumped up and down until he hit his head and exploded but luckily he wasn't atomic like my grenades. Unfortunately he was atomic like my grenades and after the explosion they had to repaint the plane. I told them to paint it the same color as the window on my car but I didn't have a car so I realised they couldn't do that unless I yelled really loudly. Then I went out to buy a car but I made a mistake and became the president of the National Otter and Organisation Association. But since our initials were QERB in an alternate universe I had our named changed to the United Stated of America but then everyone in southern Mexico sued me and I had to retire and after twenty years of living in the center of the earth I built the perfect cheese sauce and it was lavender and everything. Unfortunately by that time the Emperor of the center of the earth outlawed lavender cheese sauce so I killed him and became Emperor of the center of the earth. Now I am Emperor of the center of the earth! By the way, I don't know if there's really a Salisbury, North Carolina. Aaron Allston says that life is like an analogy. Thank you.
This story is illustrated very badly:
------------------ Frank's Home Page "He's Satan. And not the good kind. I hate him. If there is a god, I hope Jebus has him fry in hell." - DT, in reference to me
[This message has been edited by The Shadow (edited March 09, 2000).]
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Hm... I'm in a picture w/ a mass of incadescent gas, and a thing that doesn't look like a spaceship, but claims to look like a spaceship, but isn't a spaceship. But q is there, so it's all good. However, due to a typo I just almost made, everything was almost "goos", which is almost almost "goose", which is like "duck", but not.
And, by incredible coincidence, the sea urchins are on the move again.
------------------ Homer: "I can see what's happening. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me." Marge: "Are you comparing yourself to our lord?!" Homer: "Well, in bowling ability..." -The Simpsons
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I had a dream once that Eric Idle was working on the construction crew that's remodeling a building on my college campus. Lots of hilarity ensued, and then the bookstore people forced me to get rid of all my books before they would let me study. It got strictly pornographic after that. True story. Well, true dream story, anyway.
------------------ "You are stupid and evil and do not know you are stupid and evil." -- Gene Ray, Cubic
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...which later was revoked by emperor Augustus as high treason of the oh-so-serious lunacy. Following this filthy event, a mine-worker with 120 children and 30 wives to support had to sacrifice his life when he was to behead the rooster whose ancestor was the goat whose head to this day adorns the fallen walls of the monastery.
------------------ -At least I can get it up without biomechanical pumps. -Try falling into a pit of lava, Moffy. Then see how horny you feel.
Once when I was in grad school after meeting my first female best friend over again having previously summercamp counseled with her but not having known it having been a bit distracted from what was going on from having been very nearly killed by an imploding window during the training session which didn't help because I shouldn't have been staffing a church camp in the first place given my feelings toward the religious institution anyway I was walking over to her off campus trailer in a dreadful mood because i get kind of depressive on long weekends and it was about 8 pm and a cold wind was blowing and I was really quite insane and walking without my jacket in jacket weather and slowly chilling my body temperature down to zero and she wasn't home anyway so I walked home and as I was walking Princess Delerium of the Endless came upon me with her eyes all different colors and a little blue kitten which is an awfully strange color for a kitten but what the hell it fit and it was just for me and I was so happy I went all spoggly and we played hide and don't seek but stumble over rather and we had a laugh and a cry and a squeak from the kitten and then I noticed that I was casting seven shadows which was fairly odd because it was dark and that spooked me and so I started to run but I was going nowhere fast so I switched directions and went tsaf erehwon instead which hurt my legs and then the whole universe started to melt and reform and she said it's not a fit night out for man nor beast and I said too true and she said nobody sane would come out in this weather and I said oh yes so what does that make me and don't it make the wee folk glad to see poor Tom o'Bedlam mad and what the hell does that mean anyway and she disappeared,
------------------ "Nobody knows this, but I'm scared all the time... of what I might do, if I ever let go." -- Michael Garibaldi
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That's nothing. I composed a poem based on the previously-stated experience (yes, that REALLY happened, sort of -- it's part of a night that I spent while clinically insane) and am currently working on selling it to a literary publication. o_0
------------------ "Nobody knows this, but I'm scared all the time... of what I might do, if I ever let go." -- Michael Garibaldi
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My favorite part about your story, Frank, is that it makes more sense than your arguments against the inevitability of cultural amalgamation.
All the rest of you, please form a nice, orderly line, very good, thank you. Now take these bricks of Velveeta cheese and put them on top of your head with these velcro straps and run around wearing nothing but these palm leaves... WAIT, no, here, wear nothing but these miniature cardboard cut-outs of Captain Caveman. And shout, "I am the thirteenth Beatle! Woo hoo!" Really loud.
When you're finished, refer yourself to my signature quote for re-education.
------------------ Dane
"Mathematicians have long held that a million monkeys banging on a million keyboards would eventually reproduce the collected wisdom of the human race. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true." -- Robert Silensky
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One of my favorite "Infinite Loop" Rants, presented here line-by-line.
"Worms? I HATE worms! Worms make me crazy! Crazy? I was Crazy once. They put me in a home. I died there. They buried me. Then the worms came. Worms? (etc)"
*First of Two uses subliminal suggestion, and convinces you that it would be GREAT fun to strip naked, paint yourself blue, and run around the neighborhood screaming "I'M a TURNIP!!!"*
------------------ "Nobody knows this, but I'm scared all the time... of what I might do, if I ever let go." -- Michael Garibaldi
------------------ Homer: "I can see what's happening. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me." Marge: "Are you comparing yourself to our lord?!" Homer: "Well, in bowling ability..." -The Simpsons
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